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(transcripts) Episode 106: "Filings"
🕑 Added 2020-06-02 21:24:53 +0000 UTC Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? Tell me more about your special bird powers. Welcome to Night Vale.#####
It's been a long couple of weeks, as the city-wide emergency sirens that signal illegal public acknowledgement of angels have been blaring almost non-stop. But, in spite of these archaic laws, I've been shouting "YOU'RE AN ANGEL" at beings who look like angels and then making my most friendly finger-pointing gesture.
The beings who call themselves angels, because that’s what they are, have begun filing the paperwork for official existence. The angels are still at the Hall of Public Records downtown waiting in line.
They have made it to the front of the line three different times, but each time they were told they were missing a key form of ID or pre-application paperwork or that the cameras could not record their image. They weren't told this using words. The Records Hall clerk just stabbed their paperwork repeatedly with scissors and then got a massive nosebleed, which is how they know their application was declined.
Other citizens waiting have grown restless. As they do not acknowledge the existence of angels, the next person in line keeps walking up to a seemingly empty window only to be brushed away by a clerk or an angel. These citizens have begun shouting and grumbling and curling into little balls and sobbing, as large glowing cracks appear in the ceiling.
It's been several days of waiting in line for the angels. We'll check back in on them soon.
#####
Oh, I have a new intern listeners. He's a fine-looking young man with a beautiful voice. I think he'll have a great future in radio.
I've been trying to ask him his name or who hired him. I certainly don't remember beginning the search for a new intern. He just appeared this morning and started working without a single word, which is the most professional behavior for anyone beginning a new job.
Well, he seems hard at work even if every time I address him, he doesn’t notice me. It's great having a competent replacement for Kareem, even if I have no idea how this new intern got here or who he is.
As long as the filing is getting done.
#####
Alondra Ortiz, daughter of Josefina Ortiz, who passed away last month, has carried on her fight against the angels. The angels are claiming ownership of Old Woman Josie's estate, since they lived with her and helped her build the many artistic monuments and cultural foundations around town.
Alondra said she doesn't care if angels are acknowledged or not. If they want to be recognized, fine, but Alondra and her lawyer Emilio Tavares have filed motions to maintain ownership of Alondra's mother's home, belongings, money, and memories. Just because a bunch of imaginary tall people with wings helped Josie change lightbulbs from time to time, Tavares said, that's no reason they are considered next of kin. Tavares told Judge Siobhan Azdak, "If they don't exist, you must get kissed."
Judge Azdak replied: "Emilio, it's been 4 years. I'm remarried. We're done, okay?"
The angels have hired five-headed dragon Miriam Adelman as their counsel, who issued a literally scathing response. Alondra is now suing Adelman and her team for medical bills resulting from second-degree burns.
Alondra has already put Josie's home up for sale. She is willing to offer rebates for pre-existing damage, such as a series of large glowing slits in the walls that lead to rooms that aren’t possible according to the official floorplan nor the laws of physics. These rooms range from a 17th century ballroom to a crow’s nest on a modern navy destroyer to the space shuttle. Plus, anachronistic people keep wandering in and out of those portals.
She added: on second thought, since the house has more usable square footage than originally anticipated - and because there appear to be current renters - she's raising the sale price.
#####
So I just sent my new intern to go pick up some lunch. Or at least, I said "Excuse me young man whose name I don't know yet who I only think works here, can you go grab me a Cobb salad with extra whipped cream and pencil shavings from the Missing Frog Salad Bar?"
He didn't say yes, nor did he ever seem to see or hear me. But he did look really frightened and ran from the room crying, which was such a polite and respectful gesture to his superior. What a nice young man. Dresses kind of weird though, so early 80s with his double-windsor striped tie, polyester coat, and aviator goggles, just like we all wore back in the day. I suppose most things eventually come back in fashion.
Well, I can only assume he heard my lunch order. I'm starving.
#####
FOW: You're starving? Try not having a mouth.
CECIL: Oh my god. You scared me. Listeners, we have an unplanned visit from the Faceless Old Woman Who Secretly Lives in Your Home, or I guess in this case Your Radio Studio while you're still on the air.
FOW: Cecil we need to talk about the Distant Prince.
CECIL: Few dare to speak of him, so as not to draw his attention. What do you know?
FOW: His Harbingers are here. They are preparing to announce his arrival with their long, toothy beaks. Their stomach-eyes see all. They’ve been rehearsing this announcement in their room at the Hampton Inn on Route 800. They've been writing and rewriting their grand pronouncement and teaching it to the Court Shriekers to shriek out to all of Night Vale.
CECIL: What does that mean?
FOW: What? shriek? It's like a painful yell. Like this.
[horrifying scream - mara's scream and/or sound effect]
Meanwhile, the Mangled Servants are gathering the ears of important Night Vale politicians....
CECIL: Gross.
FOW: Right? And they will sew the ears onto the walls of the Hampton Inn Continental Breakfast Bar and use them as portals into many dimensions at once. Their plan is to destroy time itself, and collapse Night Vale into a dense singularity.
CECIL: Why do they want to do this?
FOW: It was suggested to him by a nice young woman from out of town.
CECIL: What young woman?
FOW: She….she….she...
[in woman from Italy voice - listen to episode 39 at around 3:45 and 23:00 for example]
The woman from Italy brings fun and jest.
Consuming all souls until none are left
Distant Prince and she planned a terrible plot
Destroying all that is, until all is not
I met her in dreams and found a dear friend.
A woman a mortal mind can’t comprehend.
No god controls her, no physics can hold her
She'll set the world afire, but leave you all colder.
[normal voice] Yeah, she and I are best friends now. She's a lot of fun, really good poet. I gotta go. Steve Carlsberg is back home, and I want to stand behind him in the mirror when he bends down to wash his face. His shrieks are the funniest.
CECIL: OOoh, haha. Dumb ol’ Steve. Be nice. Okay?
#####
We're getting reports that a dense fog is now pouring from a giant glowing slash in the sky above the Rec Center. Some pteranodons have flown out of it, as well as a commercial airliner. And those who enter the fog reported hearing shouts, blood-curdling screams and even the echo of drums, but there's also the battle of the bands sound check happening right now at the Rec Center. So it's probably just that. Either way, keep a close eye out for these apparent tears in the fabric of our reality. Also go check out the Battle of the Bands. I think Diane Crayton's son, Josh, and his boyfriend Grant are organizing that event.
#####
And now a word from our sponsors. Today's show is brought to you by a gray pigeon, whispering to you from your neighbor's back yard. The pigeon - his name is Alfonso - is telling you that you are “the one true god" and that he wants you to bring it a body part. A human body part. Doesn't matter which part, just do it soon. Time's almost gone. "The Bible was wrong," the pigeon added, suddenly from your right shoulder. "There never was a beginning."
This has been a word from our sponsors.
#####
Reports continue from the last few weeks of people all over Night Vale experiencing false realities. The most believable visions are those of tall winged beings roaming the streets and asking to borrow ten bucks. City Council is issuing daily press releases claiming the existence of angels is impossible and illegal. City Council is threatening to no longer speak to anyone who acknowledges the so-called angels.
“You are uninvited to our birthday party,” today’s press release reads. “Too bad. There will be karaoke and mini-golf. Your loss, angel-acknowledger.”
A series of fissures in reality have begun to open up, revealing truths that should have never existed, like the 12th Century Scottish Castle sitting atop the Staples over on Galloway. Frances Donaldson, at the antiques mall, reports suddenly knowing how to play the piano when before she only knew how to play keyboard. Larry Leroy, out on the edge of town, came home to find his wife Chrisette mowing the lawn, but he was never married. He last saw Chrisette in high school, when they were both in the Lurching Band together. And Fire Chief Ramona Encarnación said she found a rock in the shape of Harry Styles' liver.
"I don't know how Harry is getting by without his liver," Encarnación said. "Or given how much mud was on this thing, how he was ever getting by with it."
Night Vale, beware the untruths which attempt to dismantle our town. Stay vigilant. Read your journals. Look at your photographs. Do your best to remember what is real.
#####
Oh man, speaking of real. I'm real hungry. I wish my intern would get back soon with my salad.
It's been forever since he.... Wait. He left his wallet behind. Well, strike one, new intern. How're you supposed to buy lunch if you don't take any money? Hope he has some cash in his pockets. I'm gonna be so annoyed if lunch is late.
This is a pretty nice wallet. Tri-fold. Photo pages. Human leather. Money clip. I used to have one just like this. Maybe let's find out more about you, kiddo. Bowling league card. Ooooh. I love bowling. Young Reporters League membership. Wow, kid's after my own heart. Photos of him with a young man he could probably be related to. And is that my moth.... Who are you? Where's your driver's license? Oh god. This can't be. Listeners, here, just... here is the weather while I sort this out.
#####
WEATHER
#####
My new intern never made it back. He never left. Or maybe was never here at all. Or maybe still is here after all these years.
After finding his...my ID in his wallet, I ran out after him. But before I even got out of the building, I found him in the restroom. The door was cracked slightly, and the light was on. I heard a voice. A familiar, young voice.
"Leonard said if I work hard, maybe I’ll be a radio presenter myself some day" said the voice.
I was so frightened, but still I looked into the washroom. He was standing in front of a mirror, looking right at himself. I never look into those things. Or at least I haven't in a long long time.
"I think the radio station is fun," he said. "I think the radio station is hidden. I think the radio station is like a dark planet, lit by no sun. I think, therefore I soon won’t be," he said.
I wanted to cry out to warn him. My mother told me to stay away from mirrors. And I knew he was in danger. I opened my mouth and tried to step into the room, but I could not speak, could not move forward.
"I’m looking in a mirror," he said.
"The mirror is not covered," he said.
"Stop. Don't look into the mirror," I tried to say. But nothing came out of my mouth, only spit and inaudible wheeze. Tears stung my eyes. I waved frantically, trying to catch his attention.
"The flickering movement is just behind me," he said. And then he looked right at me in the mirror. His eyes grew wide and wet. He said "I-.
He said again "I-" and then he choked. Then he screamed. Then I screamed, only again no sound came out. He fell to the floor, and for a moment I remembered. I remembered blue lights and blood in my throat and a dark planet lit by no sun. And then I forgot it, or at least what it looked like, only that it was. Or never was. Or still is.
His wallet was no longer in my studio. His...my driver’s license was no longer in my hand. My familiar teenage intern was no longer lying on the ground. The mirror he was looking into is now shattered into thousands of intersecting cracks like parched desert dirt. I approached the mirror, hoping to see a face I knew. A young man's face I just barely remember. But I only saw a multiplicity of me, a man divided, unrecognizably, under razor sharp lines. And behind me a glowing slash in the bathroom wall.
When I turned, the hole in reality was gone, only plain gray subway tiles.
I don't know what is real. Myself as a younger intern? The Woman from Italy? These holes in reality? Harry Styles' liver? Harry Styles? Are any of these things real?
One thing I know is real are the angels. After hours of waiting in line, their paperwork has been officially filed with the Hall of Public Records and a hearing date scheduled sometime between the last Friday of this Month and the last Friday of 2023.
Night Vale, reality is failing us. And strange forces are gathering: the Distant Prince, The Woman from Italy, the Dragons. Huntokar.
I don't know what we can do to save a failing reality. I only know we can make real that which we acknowledge and accept. Angels are real Night Vale. The actuality of people we rarely see or interact with may seem unimportant, as fissures in our world threaten to collapse everything we know, but if you see an angel, tell them you see them. Tell them they are real. Point at them and shout "YOU'RE AN ANGEL!"
We can only make real what we accept as real. Tell them, okay?
Good night, Night Vale. Good night.
#####
PROVERB: Good things come to those who wait. Good things come slithering down the unctuous brown stone walls to those who wait alone in the dark pit.
