rikolo
patreon
Some thoughts on mental health
🕑 Added 2022-11-26 17:40:08 +0000 UTCHey guys,
I swear I won't make a habit of these TL;DR posts. I've been contemplating if I should make this post or not but I figure that some of you might be interested in the person behind the art. I also think it could be a relevant topic to some people and mostly I think that you deserve an explanation why my last project took so long where in the past I was able to pull off two projects in the same amount of time.
Basically for the first part of the year, I was depressed. It actually started several years ago, first it was pretty mild where it was just more and more difficult for me to be happy or excited about stuff, until eventually I couldn't do anything without immediately getting... bored? It's hard to explain, it wasn't exactly boredom but I couldn't go through almost any activity, I couldn't even stomach 20 minute episode of tv show so I just basically watched youtube where I could sit through <10 minute videos and slowly whittle the day away.
You can imagine that this made it pretty hard to work. Fortunately last year I was working on DDO, with pretty streamlined episodes - 4 poses for each character, very little story, very little transitions. I could do this almost without thinking and fortunately over the years of doing this job I could just autopilot these episodes. I still take pride in my work, so I wanted to have in some dialogue in them and overall I think the project turned out ok under the circumstances.
Btw if you go back, check out the tracer episode, I was basically a zombie while making that one, huge thanks to Silkymilk for adlibbing the lines and making it more than the glorified GIF sequence it was.
Anyways, DDO was right at the level of difficulty where I could comfortably make the episodes without too much effort and thank to the power of Overwatch IP they had great reception. I released the project and my patreon, OF and subscribestar surged and at least my work life was pretty sucessful.
I was somewhat energized and started a new project. I really wanted to push my art forward with more story and I had this idea for size difference movie. I was however unsure of my animation ability and was heavily counting on mocap. I started preparing the models and testing the mocap setup and it was working ok. I saw that it would be a huge undertaking but I felt I could make it work.
Then I brought in the actress and I couldn't record even a simple walk animation. To this day I don't know what went wrong but the whole thing just literally stopped working. Suddenly I couldn't make the movie I commited to and it hit me hard.
Some days I could barely get out of bed, I was dreading the days where I had to make an update for you guys cause everything moved at a glacial pace and I was pretty embarassed. Honestly the right thing to do would have been just to pause the patreon, OF and SS until I get my head right, but you can imagine I was terrified of that.
Somehow, the Youtube algorithm eventually recognized my mental state and started serving me psychiatry and self-help videos (which is honestly a terrifying thing that it can do that). I stumbled upon Dr. K ( https://www.youtube.com/c/HealthyGamerGG ) - Harvard psychologist and former monk turned twitch streamer who dealt with problems like parasocial relationships and loneliness.
One video in particular stuck with me - It's hard to be of sound mind if you don't take care of your body. So I started going to bed at 11pm, eating healthy and working out. If you are depressed it probably sounds like an insurmountable challenge, but you gotta take it easy and step by step
If you want to try this approach, just start with better sleep, go to bed early, set an alarm so you don't spend all day in bed and just get the rhytm going. Then start eating better, cut out junk and fast food and eat more veggies and protein. If you drink heavily or use drugs, try to cut it out - I have my issues with alcohol, fortunately even when I was pretty low I recognized that drinking would make everything worse so I was able to avoid falling into that.
Go outside. Just go for a walk or even just sit on a bench. Eventually you'll have excess energy and you'll probably want to do more - I started jogging and working out. Lost weight, gained some muscle, I looked better and felt better about myself, that gave me confidence and people notice that.
Also if it's possible, go to therapy. It won't be an instant fix but at least for me each of the conversations made me realize some thing about myself and left me more hopeful. Or at least talk to friends. Not gonna lie I didn't tell almost anyone about my issues, it just felt like was being a bother and I wish I wouldn't have kept it to myself.
Right now I am feeling much better, obviously still have my demons and worse days but it's always going to be a work in progress.
Also maybe none of these might not be applicable to you, it helped me but everyone is unique. I also understand that stuff like therapy can be out of reach for lot of people and I can see the irony of me complaining about anything. After all I am making my own hours doing what I love, working as much or as little as I want. So yes, I probably should be the last to complain but hey, it can happen to anyone.
Anyway, this kinda turned out into an incoherent ramble lol. Hopefuly at least something was insightful or helpful to any of you. I just want to say that I am grateful for your support and in the future I want to do better. I want to do better art for you and for me to be proud of.
Comments
ExoReborn
I deal with being bipolar and depression with adhd on top I can relate. Did not know I was bipolar to my 30's when I had been committed to a mental facility. Worst 6 days of my life but I got the help with the bipolar but the depression I'm still dealing with day to day but thanks to close friends I manage it well enough.
Desert_Walker28
no problem man. you aint alone. i am on a same boat as well. we'll get through this. could be hard but hey, it is so good once we pass it. we continue the battle and keep fighting and winning.
Agent Red Girl
nothing gets a girl harder than a man with mental health
Kghostrider
Important points and things to keep in mind, dealing with some of this currently so I know where you're coming from. I'm trying to find a way to get back in the gym, but it's going to take some time to figure that part out.
Libra
I just want to say you are not alone. I have been through something similiar, and your advices are really good, it actually helps. It's also great to hear that you are doing better.
hades6
thank you for confiding in yourself, this and never simple, you are the best, glad you are better,😘😘
Billie Stroope
First- you are an artist- and they are all a little bit crazy. Study art and it seems to go hand in hand with mental illness. There is some really good advice in these comments about depression. I live in a Northern state, and tend to get the blues this time of year as we spend most of our days in the cold and the dark. I might suggest to everyone using wide spectrum light bulbs - plant grow lights- in winter months. It really helps us here in N Dakota.
Elmer-Plox
It is also important to have fluid goals. It doesn't have to be anything specific. Like living healthy and maintaining it. One step at the time. Make little goals to reach bigger goals. Goals that are important to you. I.E. lose 10 pounds in a month. So you can reach that bigger goal. Which is be healthy. What I have discovered from my goals is that. They help me structure my weekly life. Having routine and schedule to follow. My current goal is to get a trades degree and then get a job. Along the way I have met new people, interacted with them, expanded my social life and so on. Having a excuse to leave the house is a great way to fight against that urge to just sit at home and waste away, in my case. If you have doubts about your goals in life or you feel like falling into your old habits. Talk about them with your therapist or close friend/family member and try to find solutions to them. Never be alone with your problems. No matter how small it might be.
Rikolo
Honestly reaching your goals can sometimes be disheartening as well, because what is the point after that? It's important to have more fluid goals - instead of trying to lose 10 pounds, just try to be healthy etc.
Rikolo
Yeah I thought about using it for sleep
Rikolo
You're welcome
Rikolo
From what I understand, the major qualifier for almost any mental health issue is just that - is the condition bothering me or preventing me from living my life as I want? But generally if it's not too expensive it doesn't hurt to get checked out.
Rikolo
Oh that's good to hear
Rikolo
Oh I don't know about that, but thank you 🥺
Elmer-Plox
I'm in a similar journey like yourself and I can relate to what you are dealing right now. Every person use the tools that they can get to improve their lives. You don't have to feel shame or guilty if you have better tools available than others and you can make a living by doing dick girl animations for some perverts like me :D. Depression is serious illness. It can hit anybody. No matter what their status, job or income is. It can take years or decades to heal from it. I know, because I have suffered 20 years from it and still wip in my recovery. There has been highs and lows, mostly lows. But in these couple of years I have going towards more positive direction. Setting yourself goals to work on have been big help for me and removing toxic elements from my everyday life. I'm glad that you have found your way of recovery.
Mr Cannoli
You may consider CBD oil , it has helped quite a few people/ friends with anxiety and depression. It’s not psychoactive so you don’t get a”buzz”. If you are interested I can recommend a brand that is available online. Be well
Niblet The Cat
Thanks for sharing your journey and I'm happy to hear that you're doing better 👍
rtpoe
I wonder if one of the more difficult things is trying to decide if you're just going through a sad phase or you really are seriously Depressed. I've had the occasional "down" times, but they never last for long. I'm kind of afraid to take one of those "Are You Depressed?" surveys, because I might get a "false positive".
Mellocean
Wow, thank you for sharing! This is more valuable than you realize :)
Futanarium
You are the best!🤩😍
