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A Soldier's Life - 231 Beta Edit -
🕑 Added 2024-07-18 17:41:12 +0000 UTCSo I listened to the comments and did a rewrite of 231 below. Note that instead of knocking the legionnaire out in chapter 230, his blow would have cut the neck. I havent changed that but will get impressions for this edit first.
Chapter 231:
My question hung in the air. “Your voice sounds familiar. I remember you—but I forgot your name,” Helena finally said with trepidation.
“Really?” I said in disbelief, a little hurt echoing in my voice. “Well, I guess I was the one who was always talking, so it is understandable. I see you became a legionnaire like you wanted.”
“And you became a Hound,” she said with some vitriol. “Are my companions dead?” Did she think I was gloating by talking to her?
I looked over at the other legionnaire. I couldn’t lie as the blood flowed freely from the neck wound. “The other legionnaire is dead. The mage has been paralyzed. She surprised me with her invisibility, though.” Okay it did sound like I was gloating.
“Sylph is dead?” Hearing the emotion in her voice and knowing the other legionnaire’s name made me twinge in guilt. Helena seemed to deflate, facing the inevitable, and she stopped trying to clear her eyes. “If you are a Hound, why haven’t you killed me? Are you to bring Mage Selene back alive then?” There was some hope in her words that her charge might live.
I turned over my response in my mind and finally said, “I am curious. What did the mage do to become a traitor to the Empire?”
“Traitor!” She spat the word in disgust. “She was the one betrayed. She was told Orc Pathfinders killed her parents, and she was being sent to the war front to fight the Esenhem elves. She should have been raised to a baroness and taken over the estate. Duke Octavian wants to control her family’s gold and silver mine.”
Her response had me pause. I felt like I owed Helena something for teaching and getting me through legionnaire training. Without her lessons, I may have fallen below the cut and been exiled to the regular army. I was going to try to convince her to flee and forget about the mage. Now that Duke Octavian was brought into the conversation, it gave me pause. He was an enemy of Castile and, therefore, myself. “There are Orc Pathfinders within the Empire. I have fought them myself.”
Helena laughed, her tone turning dark, “The Pathfinders only kill to achieve a purpose. Baron and Baroness Greco had no value to the Boutan Caliphate. Duke Octavian wants to control the gold and silver mines on their lands, and First Citizen Selene is the only remaining Greco in the line of succession. He staged their murder, and you Hounds confirmed the farse. Selene should be raised to Baroness and instead is being sent to fight the elves with just two legionnaires instead of family’s entire household guard. She would have been dead within the week.”
I could tell Helena believed what she was saying, and knowing Duke Octavian, it was the probable truth. I didn’t understand why the only remaining member of a family would be ordered to fight, especially a First Citizen. “If she is a First Citizen, how can she be forced to fight?”
“Where have you been, Hound?” Helena spat angrily, getting bolder as the conversation extended. “The elves have landed, and the Bartiradians are surging from the south toward Macha. They have formed an alliance. The Emperor has ordered every battle-trained mage to the front!”
My mind raced, and I cursed Centurion Sergius for keeping me in the dark. “When did this happen?”
“Seven…no eight and half days ago.” Helena relaxed her defensive stance and loosened her grip on her staff. I stepped back anyway, as she might be trying to lure me into a false sense of security.
“So, she is a traitor for fleeing the Empire in its hour of need,” I said evenly.
“What would you have done? If you buried your parents, and the next day, a steward arrives to handle your estate while you are sent with just a fraction of your household guard to fight an elven invasion? Selene isn’t even a war mage. The only thing she has killed in her years is a bottle of wine.” Helena said accusingly.
I took the question seriously. “I would have taken all my gold and fled the Empire,” I said truthfully.
Helena grasped at the thread. “Is that what you want? The gold? We dropped our packs when we rushed you. Three hundred in gold and silver and more in jewelry.” I stepped back to look, and with my night vision goggles, I could see the packs in the distance. I remembered the thuds before they rushed my position.
My mind played with options as my conscience battled itself. Finally, I pulled one of the paralytic arrows and shot Helena in the leg. She started cursing me, but the poison quickly silenced her as her muscles relaxed, and she could only gurgle. I bound, blindfolded, and gagged her while feeling the hatred pouring off her. I forced two oblivion pills down her throat to force her into unconsciousness.
When I had enough aether, I pulled the magebane from my space. I channeled aether into the blade, and the intricate relief work of spiders filed with the aether toxin. Then, I removed First Citizen Selene facing away from me. The mage was still invisible as I cut into her thigh. She squealed in pained surprise as she became visible with my goggles grasping at the wound.
I could tell the woman was reaching for her aether and was confused when she couldn’t utilize it. The poison worked fast and made using aether like trying to sail a ship in a hurricane. Realizing the futility, she reached for her dagger but I was already behind her, sweeping her legs, and forced her to the ground. She struggled with futility as I bound, blindfolded, and gagged her. She struggled fearfully, but it would do her no good. I then sat down and wrote in my notebook.
“I caught the mage, killed one legionnaire, and the other legionnaire fled. The First Citizen told me the elves have invaded. Should I bring her to you so she can be sent to fight the elves?”
I wasn’t expecting a quick response, so I checked on Rusty and fed him while I waited for morning and a reply. The magebane toxin wore off in an hour, so I continued to dose her. Maybe the mage thought I was torturing her, but it couldn’t be helped.
I went through the three packs as I waited, watching my two prisoners. Inside, I found some food, insufficient camping supplies, and lots of coins—more than three hundred gold for certain. Finally, Centurion Sergius sent me a message.
“Excellent work, Hound. Kill her, and bring the traitor’s ring, amulet, and any other artifacts you found to Brapo. Hercule will take them from there.”
I watched as the words scrawled across the page, and when they stopped, I asked again, writing:
“Have the elves invaded? Should I pursue the other legionnaire?”
I didn’t have to wait long before he responded.
“Yes. The elves landed a week ago, and the Bartiradians surged across the border. The Empire spent all winter preparing. They have not advanced far. Forget the legionnaire. She is of no consequence. Bring the artifacts and burn the mage’s body.”
I waited for more, but no other words appeared on the page. Relief flooded me as I wouldn’t have to kill Helena. Maybe I wouldn’t have to kill the mage either. I spent the morning setting up a pyre and started a fire to burn to ash. I searched Selene for artifacts, removing her ring, amulet, and a runic dagger.
The perfect gold ring was a dungeon artifact, but the amulet and dagger were artificed by hand. Selene struggled as I searched inside her clothes, but I was quick about it and only found a small secret purse with a few gold coins that I returned where I found it.
Selene returned unwillingly to my dimensional space, and I waited for an hour before I wrote in the message-sending book, “The mage has been burned.”
A response came back immediately, “Good work, Hound. Get the artifacts to Hercule.” So, my dimensional space did fool him. It was also clear that Helena was correct, and they only cared about the death of the last of the Greco line. I stepped on the coals and spread the ash while I waited for Helena to wake.
It was midday when she did, and she jolted awake, the blindfold and gag now gone. She took in her surroundings. Her dead legionnaire companion and the clear pile of ash in the shape of a body. “I am sorry, but I was ordered to burn the mage. I used alchemist’s flash powder, and she did not suffer.”
Helena’s face had sorrow, and her vision was fixed on the dead legionnaire. “Am I next, then?”
“No. I owe you for your past kindness. My name is Eryk,” I reminded Helena since she had forgotten. I tossed one of the packs on the ground near her head. “Run, Helena. I was not ordered to kill you. Get as far from the Empire as you can.” It would take her some time to cut the bindings, but she would have a chance if the other Hounds were not hunting her.
Helena was not done with me. She needed to curse me one more time before I escaped earshot. “You killed good people, Eryk. Sylvia and Selene didn’t deserve to die for another man’s greed. The Empire is rotten and eating itself alive.” I heard her spit in my direction but ignored it and focused on my task of getting Rusty ready.
It would be three days of traveling north to reach Brapo, but it would also take me into the region where the owlbear had been attacked.
My dimensional space was also getting crowded. Although I definitely had the free space, at this rate, I was becoming an ark for people who were supposed to be dead. Centurion Sergius might still have Selene’s sample in his blood compass as he had confirmed her death only a few hours ago, so she would be in residence for a while. I swung up onto Rusty’s back and started trotting north, not looking back. I had no question that I had done the right thing, but it felt like I was cornering myself. What was I going to do? Put every innocent person I was ordered to kill in my dimensional space?
I took my time riding north, in no rush to reach Brapo. I camped in an ancient, overgrown stone structure. My earth speak told me the cellar had filled with debris over time. Several silver coins were down there, but I was not motivated to dig through a few feet of centuries-old detritus. Rusty was happy to get a full meal of grain and apples. I was pretty low on horse grain and would have to get some from a village or city.
At sunset, I had no messages from my Centurion and settled in for an uneasy night of short naps. I had gotten enough rest by midnight, and dry, cold air made me use the thermal stone for heat. When morning came, I found a disturbing message in the book.
“The orc war fleet entered Kraken Bay last night. Race to your lookout and report their movements.”
My blood chilled a little. It was happening as predicted. The orcs were using the war in the east to press their claims here in the west. I started asking questions in the notebook. “How many ships? Is the Empire sending soldiers? Where are they landing?” No responses appeared on the pages, and I closed it in disgust. I was being kept in the dark, a low priority for Sergius to keep informed.
Kraken Bay is three hundred miles long from north to south, and a third that wide at some points. It is more like a massive inlet sea than a bay. At the very end of the bay, Varvao was the closest city. If the orcs were going to carve off a chunk of the Empire, that would be their target.
I had no illusions of being able to stop an armada. I rode northwest and was no longer headed for Brapo. I reached the coast, and thought I was south of my lookout. I camped in the rocky terrain, not risking an injury to Rusty in the dark. Neptune’s Tear was hidden behind the clouds this evening, and the ridge line overlooking the bay was unforgiving.
I scanned the waters every hour, and cursed when the specks of light in the distance confirmed the orc fleets fleet arrival, far to the north. With my spyglass I counted thirty-seven ships but there could have been more. I scribbled in the notebook.
“Thirty-seven large ships sighted. All sailing south.”
It wasn’t until an hour after sunrise that my book had a response written in it.
“Shadow the fleet from shore and continue to report.”
That was it. I didn’t know how far south of my lookout I was but guessed about a dozen miles. The armada was bravely sailing through the center of the bay as if daring anyone to challenge it. I suspected the Empire had nothing to stop it. The high rocky ridge was too dangerous to ride along. So I was going to have to descend into the forest, ride south, and then climb the ridgeline again to track them. The good thing was I could ride much faster than the fleet could sail.
I led Rusty down the slope, and we raced through the forest for three hours before climbing again. I was ahead of the fleet and scanned them again, trying to count them in the light of day. I didn’t have the spyglass stand, so it was difficult to get an accurate count. I ended up with thirty-eight this time and wrote it in the message-sending book. I still had no more orders from the Centurion.
We descended the slope again, and this time, I planned to run Rusty for only two hours before spotting the fleet again. Rusty sensed something was wrong long before I did. He slowed, resisting my urging to continue and dancing in place. He was trying to warn me of something. I didn’t see anything, so I dismounted to use earth speak.
As my feet hit the ground, I didn’t even need to use earth speak to feel the vibrations. My earth pulse returned to a horrific image, and I rolled away, releasing the reins, and yelled, “Rusty, run!” Rusty couldn’t process the shouted command quick enough as the earth softened under him and then erupted up.
A massive antlike head seized his neck while long arms ending in four dangerous claws racked his body. Rusty’s body was eviscerated, and his internals spread across the ground. The bipedal insect-like creature extracted itself from the ground while its jaws finished decapitating poor Rusty. It had been lying in wait nearby and moved to intercept us.
By the dangerous-looking claws, I assumed this was the creature that had forced the owlbear to flee. What concerned me was in all the lessons from Hearne and all my bestiaries in my dreamscape; I still had no idea what I was facing. “Whatever you are, I am going to avenge Rusty.” The ten-foot monstrosity turned to my voice, its bug-like eyes focused on me while its mandibles dripped with blood. Its mouth moved erratically as it pulled flesh and blood into its mouth. I pulled the black spear to my hand and announced, “Let’s do this.”
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Comments
Robert Biederman
I agree the original was better
Nikolaus Sheehan
I also prefer the original chapter pre-edit. Doing everything he can to preserve good people, true strength.
Erick Thiemke
You still have the final edit…
C
I prefer the original, I prefer the man who is doing everything he can to keep his humanity, morals, and fights as best he is able, to actually be just and kind. I dont like him willingly partaking in an evil role when he has options to not, even if it comes with risks.
sam
I prefer the original chapter, if he kills someone innocent let it be his decision rather than an order
Fortunis
I prefer the original version. It fits the MCs character much better. This is just the blood thirsty murder hobo version. I mean, the dude literally goes out of his way to help people every chance he gets.
Chachi
prefer this version feels more realistic
SodaBoBomb
Oh no! Not going out of your way to save someone's life! The horror! How dare he have morals?!
SodaBoBomb
Unfortunate that the bloodthirsty type readers got to you. Sylphs death is fine, as it was in the heat of combat. Him making Helena think he killed the Mage and his callous attitude about all of it does NOT make sense and doesn't fit his character.
Justin Golenbock
I don’t understand the rewrite. This is to make Eric seem more grimdark embittered or something? Killing characters just to kill them feels disingenuous, Eryks never been soft but him hesitating to kill a familiar face and coming up with ingenious ways to save someone he didn’t have to save is in character for him. And it was a nice reunion with an old character under difficult circumstances, where his kindness created more problems for him. Changing all that up to have him kill a character for no reason and create a silly anime-esque misunderstanding with another feels tacky and pandering. I much prefer the original chapter
Deliver roo
I would add that he could be so strong that in a life or death situation he could kill another legionary by reflex. Being physically overwhelming doesn’t translate into unparallelled battle control in my opinion, it actually makes casualties easier.
momo2009
i like the added info for the background added to the first citizen. The disarming of the mages also made sense and was well written. But i still prefer the first chapter better but a gradual hard Eryk seem as a great possibility when he escapes the empire and become a mercenary. And ask the mage what each item does for her life to be spare.
Karnnie
Overall, I like the edits. This makes it so that Eryk is not going out of his way to save someone, again. Even killing the other legionnaire purposely or accidentally, we will have to wait for your edit. One thing I would change, as Eryk is not an idiot is, when he took the artifacts from the Mage, he should ask what they do. Depending on what they do, Eryk might just decide to keep them for himself, especially the dungeon ring. Afterall, if she took as much gold and silver as they could carry in order to flee, it is not a far stretch to think that the mage might have sold off or traded off those items in search of protection, passage or sworn secrecy. Then Eryk would have more gear/loot for himself or his friends in the future and he could simply report that the mage had no such items on herself or her belongings. Since he also stated that Helena ran off, he could explain that she ran off with the bags when she left, adding hundreds of gold and silver to his increasing wealth as well. I scanned the waters every hour, and cursed when the specks of light in the distance confirmed the orc fleets fleet arrival, far to the north. I scanned the waters every hour, and cursed when the specks of light in the distance confirmed the orc fleet's arrival, far to the north.
sdf
I also like that the next time he runs into Malveith (sp) or the elf, he's going to actually have a half-dozen women in his storage space. That will be a fun conversation.
Deliver roo
The second version feels heavier and slower but it gives important infos and seems better to me overall. One thing that should be clear in my opinion is that Sylph dies because shit happens in a fight not because Eyrick goes out of his way to kill her. Surprised by the fact that he suddenly smartens up and decides to trick Helena but honestly it is better than waiting for his pocket space to get full before he has to make choices.
Lemes
I like the first one more. Something good about this chapter was the part where he searches and takes the magician's artifacts, it seemed like something he would do. Otherwise, I prefer the previous chapter.
Jordan
I like this latest version more. Not killing sylph just makes it seem his skills make fighting so easy he can Willy nilly take on anyone he wants to and not worry about the consequences (doesn’t even have to kill them!). He’s good, but not that good yet IMO. Also, bashing someone’s head with a sword doesn’t make sense unless you specifically hit them with the hilt.
theend
I know that Eryk is one of the strongest legionnaires. But as the training with the emperor's legionnaires has shown, there are still other legionnaires who can take him on. Hound Hercule is certainly worse than Eryk, but he had experience and ruthlessness on his side and still got wounded and had to retreat. Like I said, Eryk faced three enemies who worked together and he had to held back to spare Helena. Neither do fights always go the same way. Just because Eryk won against nine pathfinder orcs once doesn't mean he'll win against nine the next time. That's why I think it contributes to the realism of the story when one of his opponents dies or is injured so badly that he can't save them.
Broke Boy
What you don’t realise is Erik is probably one of the strongest legionnaire or hounds out there rn with his essence collector and dreamscape amulet he’s stronger than most people he comes across he could kill all three very easily without breaking a sweat. So him cutting off her arm and immobilising the other two is very realistic and works with the story.
M.S.McGowan
I like the fact he saves people when he doesn't have to. I think this preserves his humanity not allowing himself to justify murder.
larback
Hey author, follow your heart and your thoughts, you are the author of the work and not the patrons. If you keep changing your story to satisfy some people you may end up getting lost in the original script of YOUR story. You didn't need to edit the chapter, Erik's space would fill up and eventually he would be unable to save people and would be forced to do what he doesn't want to do. As for the chapters, I don't have any preferences, they were both good and I'm just here to have fun reading the story.
Da Worst John
I know like the first chapter better too
Laura Hall
Definitely prefer the first. The sudden change to a “harder” Eryk seemed much more of a caricature than before (not that I completely agree with the caricature assessment). This came across in the writing which for the first time ever reading anything by you felt dry and disjointed (a feeling so strange I was actually prompted to post when I never do). Maybe he does go down that road but I’d need to see something that actually causes that to happen. For it to happen at this point was jarring and I couldn’t follow the logic. I agree with others that the hard choices he’s going to have to make come now his storage is full. Thank you for the effort though! It was interesting to see a different take.
Roberto Dias
Is better when cruel things happen TO him. He paying for his good deeds, but still being a moral person, is more relatable than he becoming cruel.
Roberto Dias
Like the first better The second is he being unnecessary cruel. I will prefer a more naive Erick that get betrayed and pay dearlly for his good actions, but keep a clear moral compass than this UnErick version
JollyRodger
I like both myself. Eryk definitely needs more "crap sticks" handed to him. One's where there are no good outcomes, only less bad or what you're left with after trying for a better one. I also really like him not being a murder hobo just to fit in and play a role. Life generally doesn't let you role through and not get something on you. Seeing that struggle to limit the damage he could be doing gives the story depth. Not everyone get the happy ending though or fighting for one would have no worth and hinder character growth. In my humble opinion. Loving the story dear author
theend
The second version is definitely better. A few of the readers note that Sylph's death is unnecessary or too cruel, but I think it adds to the realism. Eryk can't hold back too much or underestimate them. These three already escaped from another hound and injured him. Fights are always unpredictable and chaotic, especially when Eryk has to hold back to save Helena. I don't really care whether the legionnaire or the mage dies, but not everything can always end on a happy note, just like in real life.
Joshua Summerville
I like the first one, feel like it is the is more in line with his personality.
Reid
I wasn't necessarily left wanting for a chapter rewrite when commenting on the previous iteration, so either one would be fine. The only issue though is if the first one is used there would have to be consequence to his flippant actions. The story began with a real character in a fantasy world and is now turning into to a fantasy character in a fantasy world; a shadow of its former self. Mistakes have consequences and in a real setting Eryk would be making them in spades. He keeps threatening his life, the lives of the only friends he has, and now the true mission he is fighting for with his actions and complete disregard to risks and consequences. All it would take to ruin everything is for Helena to snitch or get captured and be questioned by truthseekers to possibly ruin everything. Would he really risk all that he has for someone he barely knows and without a sure fire way to communicate with his true allies? Would he really spare supposed enemies if if greatly limits his storage space and by extension himself? Will he ever have to make any REAL choices? The answer could be yes or no, but regardless of either choice we should be able to see how those thoughts would tear at him. (And for the people who are saying that Eryk is breaking character, I had a very pleasant conversation with my brother about his actions in a few select FOBs while he was in Afghanistan and questioned him on why he "broke character" 😂 as he's probably the nicest and most empathetic person I know (he also enjoys this story btw and we had a few laghs on the sensibilities present is some of the comments). For those people, please do keep in mind that the person you are and the person who you have to be are sometimes diffrent when it comes to stressfull or threatening situations.)
Victor Skaarup
I like this version better.
Mugatu9
I liked the first version better
Daniel kanevsky
I like both, either way, you can't please everyone. Go with your gut
sdf
I preferred the first. The interactions seemed more in line with who he is, where he comes across as a bit of a callous jerk in this one.
Noah
I do prefer the first chapter, doesn‘t make sense to me for him to kill Sylph. Feels very out of character…
Cícero Daniel
a outra versao foi melhor.
ParaParadox
I preferred the first version even though I didn't comment. Eryk rejecting the easy "kill them all" route is the Eryk that let a hostile Elf and a Goblin live in his storage space. Plus, we're setting up an inevitable conflict with the Duke anyways.
Caledon Smith
A lot to unpack here, I’ll start with that given both chapters, I would prefer a mesh of the chapters. The first chapter was better, though I say that as I would need to see how the fight transgressed. If Eyrk first dis-handed her but then she came back and tried to kill him again forcing a reflex that had Eyrk kill her that then leads to this new chapter then I would like this version better. I would like to see Eyrk take a moment to try to puzzle out how he could salvage this event to have the best ending, but finding that there was little he could have done with his current powers. I would like to see him burn the body of the guard he killed with helina help before knocking her out and storing her. But if the only major change from the previous chapter is that he cuts her throat instead of her hand then the first renditions are better. The best change here though is that you added Eyrk taking the mage out and writing that he captured her before telling them that she is dead. I hope that gets put into which ever version you keep. The point that I was trying to make in the comments was not that Eyrk needs to kill everyone, but that there should be consequences for his actions. Sometimes he needs to forced to pick between two bad options, or fail when trying to create a good option from a bad scenario.
1536539
This chapter fixed some errors, he still shouldn’t have killed the other legionnaire as neutralizing her would have been relatively easy with his current skill in combat, and it goes against his character to aim for a killing blow in this situation. Thank you for the chapter
Prinny Knight
First chapter version is better.
Shade
I like this one, it feels that Eryk is changing and that is expected to happen.
Trenton king
First chapter is better, makes it harder to save more people In the future since he has no space gives a bigger Dilemma on to how face the future with out the pocket space.
Angus
Not sure about this change. He captures the mage, disables 1 of the legionnaire (which happens to be Helana), but decides to kill the other (Sylph?) Considering he was the hunter in this situation, it seems strange to decide to kill 1 of the 3 but spare the other two, one of which was his target. If he was ambushed and acted in self-defense because he was surrounded by multiple individuals it would make sense to thin the number of attackers before taking prisoners. The mindset to kill 1 (not the target) and spare the other two feels off.
Ben Walker
I also like it shows however much he has improved in combat skills, can still have unintended consequences and it’s dangerous. Needs that amulet.. wonder if it’s the type he has been looking for.
Michael Nau
I like parts of the beta better but would be more happy if sylp lived. Eryk should be wastly better because of his hound training and the usage of his magic and tools (paralytic poison etc.) I don't think it's that unrealistic he can take them on in this setting and clear the facts before doing something irreversable because his scumbag boss and coworker told him so. I like the idea to keep Helena in the dark about her mistress. It would also be possible for him to drop something like... I heard "that place" is nice this time of the year... it opens up to a future Reunion. Rusty was a damn fine horse maybe a kick in defiance of the end would have been nice.
Mason W
I was surprised you changed this, the first chapter was more in character for him. This feels off base for some reason.
Kbzzy
Feels out of character. Not sure why everyone was complaining but him saving all three felt much more natural
Thresher
I like this edit. Looking forward to a harder Eryk, though not a heartless one.
Alex
This whole confrontation, both versions, has left a sour taste in my mouth. It feels out of character for him to kill the Legionnaire and trick Helena, who he admitted to owing, into thinking that someone she obviously cares about it dead. He saved a random mother but won't save two trained Legionnaires and a mage who have been burned by Octavian just as he and Castile were? He also knows that Centurion Sergius and Octavian are rotten -- he never should have gone into the encounter looking to fight. What's more likely an order from Sergius: a real traitor to the Empire or someone he and Octavian are framing for political reasons? It feels like needless drama to show how "dark" the world is, but it's not in keeping with your character.
yohan gu
This edit is great. Let's recapitulate: Minor continuity issues have been fixed: - Helena seeing despite having been blinded, fixed - Rusty the warhorse being scared, fixed, now he may even have saved his rider's life, which is great. Rusty, you're a good horse. The backstory of the mage Selene has been fixed: She is no longer just a despicable deserter, she has better reasons to refuse her duty, and Octavian's role and Sergius's complicity have been made clearer. - She is not trained to be a mage - She legally should be granted a larger escort - They plotted to reduce her allowed escort and hide the reason of her family's death Also, Octavian and Sergius' plot is more sensible now, since the prior elimination of the family is an instrument for sending her to war without her host. The events of the chapter make more sense: - The killing of the first legionnaire makes the story more grounded: they were fighting and it would feel odd that everyone gets away unscathed. - Despite the reasonable event of the death of one of his foes, once he controls the situation, Eryk tries to do the right thing, like in the alpha version, but here it is more rational. - He tries to get the information from Sergius to evaluate if he is acting according to his duties and to know what latitude of action he has with Helena - Since Sergius wants the mage dead he makes the moral choice of saving her. - Since he has clarified that Helena is not an issue he can let her go without encumbering his space, he just has to bear the brunt of her reprobation. This is a hard decision, but the right one morally and practically. - He learns from his past mistakes with Raelia and checks the mages belongings before sending her back to his space. Good usage of magebane. So, I'd say this version is vastly better. It feels much more real and the characters are better defined.
Silver Beard
2nd is better setup for a mercenary arc. Still think keeping Selene is the wrong move. The Centurian, Octavion and everyone else who was in on her removal would need to die so when she inevitably turns up alive somewhere nobody will question it. Eryk leaving the Hounds and the Legion is not quite the same has being branded a traitor and possibly hunted himself. This is where slow aging will bite him the ass. It's not like his appearance is going to change anytime soon. He also should have equipped the Amulet and ring...one he might actually be about to need. Could have spent the night charging it. Perhaps the ring gave her the invisibility or drain?
visigoth
I like this edit better. He's already been informed twice that he's not going to like being with Sergius by others before this. And it's just the world he lives in - where he can't save everyone. Both Helena and Sylph came at him with every intention to kill, so it seems kinda cheap to keep skirting deaths to appease some more squeamish readers. Sure, killing two kids and a mother in front of one might've been a little too dark, but a random legionnaire? At least he didn't kill the other *and* seriously maim Helena before he recognized her. You've painted a brutal world with pockets and bubbles of kindness. No need to sugar coat it. It's not like he hasn't killed before.
Maximus Terror
I think either chapter is fine I think it depends on what you are going for. The Beta edit is a harder Eryk than I think we are used to, but it reflects well the impossible decisions he is having to make. When backed in a corner what will Eryk do? Flee, make morally ambiguous decisions, become a bad guy? When being the good guy is easy then of course Eryk is going to be the good guy, but what now? Where is he headed? Personally I like the edit better because it better highlights the impossible choices he is having to make and puts more weight on Eryk's shoulders and on his decision making. If you are writing the story of an always does the right thing hero, then stick with the first chapter, but if you are trying to show that good people some times have to make the best of multiple bad options (more realistic IMO) then stick with the edit. My two cents anyway...
InfernalDrake
Eh, I kinda like the first more. Him having a conflict between “Orders are orders” and wanting to be a at least a decent person is good material. Filling up his storage to force a choice faster is a good wall for him to be put up against.
Broke Boy
I say u leave it the first way. If he can get away with being good natured then let him.
Andrew
I like this more, thank you!
Broke Boy
Yh might not fit if u went with killing her friend and also telling her the mage was dead
Erick Thiemke
yeah I thought about him telling her where Castile was planning to go when she escaped teh Empire but dropping that info seems stupid
Broke Boy
I don’t think I like it. Would’ve loved too see them develop more of a relationship as it was kinda foreshadowed that she was gonna be a bit more important from the beginning
