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REGAL BLOOD: Vestige One
🕑 Added 2021-03-17 19:17:04 +0000 UTCThe text is divided into two completely independent parts. I would like you to imagine it in the following way: the first part corresponds to an archaeological effort to recover the textual sources of the world that I am creating. In this case, a contemporary writes a biography of Vesra (logically after the story). The second part is a theatricalization of a small piece of what is referred to in the first part.
In general, I would appreciate all kinds of feedback, but especially related to the grammar and style of my British English (I am not a native speaker).
I hope that this way of approaching the plot and the world seems original and awakens your interest in order to discover little by little everything that happened in the lives of my OCs.
NOTE - 'AZDEN' is The White Queen, I changed her name.
Azden: https://www.patreon.com/posts/white-queen-46081569
Misse: https://www.patreon.com/posts/black-queen-45881046
Vesra: https://www.patreon.com/posts/cold-spring-01-48783859
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Part One.
[...]
I finally got Abby, a maid of the queen, to agree to meet with me.
I went personally to her humble abode on the 9th Calendula and on the 12th Nemesia. Fountain pen in hand, I completely filled two notebooks, which, looking them over now....
[Fragment lost]
Vesra had stormed angrily into the chamber, demanding explanations she didn't need....
[Fragment lost]
It seemed to me that Abby sympathised with the princess. The maid spoke of a "daring" that would be "fully justified" for anyone who had suffered a similar outrage.
The incident occurred in the heat of an imperial decree amending the Act of Rights and Duties of the Diarch Families - Imperial Family after this reform -. I did not learn until much later that it involved clipping Princess Vesra's wings... literally. Certainly an episode whose impact I find it interesting to investigate for this biography, as...
[Fragment lost]
Abby was aware - and an admirer, I would say - of the many years that Vesra and some of her masters had invested in quirky and sterile affairs, which led to Vesra's systematic neglect of her training as a ruler.
Few are conscious that Queen Misse put an end to much by edict, though she will always be remembered for her diplomatic skills.
Abby dismissed statements I obtained from Master Nobmiis that they were very close to discovering "something big" when the queen unilaterally severed relations with Vesra, whose work - and funding - was indispensable.
I quote below the maid's words:
"Yes, that was important because it was a life's work, but if you had known her as I did you would know that her teary eyes and broken voice only projected the anguished helplessness of knowing that she could never again open a book on transmutation."
[...]
Part Two.
[...]
MISSE: You have no choice. If you rebel, the kingdom will use all its power to force you.
VESRA: You mean you will try to use all that power in vain.
MISSE: That's what you still don't understand. I don't have a choice either.
VESRA: And if you accept it then you'll be withered in life, what's the difference between dying and being forced to be a person you're not?
MISSE: It is a fair sacrifice in exchange for achieving a great good for many.
VESRA: I can't.
MISSE: You can.
VESRA: You don't understand. I am not you. And you can't tell me I haven't tried. At best I've been a pathetic candle in front of a dazzling sun.
MISSE: You don't try hard enough.
VESRA: Can't you see that your intransigence is useless; if your words don't persuade me, how will sabres and arrows make any difference?
MISSE: Don't be naive. Violence will only serve to keep you cloistered until the passage of time moderates your judgement.
VESRA: I'd rather take my own life.
MISSE: ...
VESRA: Aargh, what do you think Azden? As an elf.
AZDEN: We value life above all things. No suffering lasts forever.
VESRA: Immortal life, but what about the rest?
AZDEN: I don't know.
VESRA: Don't you value human life?
AZDEN: Yes.
VESRA: You're contradicting yourself.
AZDEN: I think you'd say the same thing about something you've never thought about, what do you think about the life of an ephemera?
VESRA: What is that?
AZDEN: An insect whose life is extinguished before it realises that it doesn't have to fear that the star that gives it warmth will disappear forever.
VESRA: It's not the same thing, and you should know that by now. Elves beware of suggesting such ideas in public.
MISSE: Don't you dare utter such impertinence again or....
(Azden interrupts).
AZDEN: We don't. I think I'm in confidence.
VESRA: ...
(Vesra leaves)
AZDEN: I think she isn't ready. You're exposing me recklessly.
MISSE: Don't worry, she's just frustrated. I guarantee she'll ask for your forgiveness tomorrow.
AZDEN: I hope you're right. We all need her.
...
Were you like that too?
MISSE: You may go, Abby.
ABBY: Your Majesty.
(Abby bows and exits the chamber).
[...]
Comments
Stoia
Out of curiosity, do you write on a MacBook? I do sometimes and the double space comes from the screwed up keyboard....
SupremeVoid
I like your suggested change. It sounds a lot better. Now it sounds more understanding and accepting for her people. I think the intention comes across really well with this change.
NIXEU
Thank you very much for your comment. I edited the post a couple of times to remove all the double spaces, but I see that there are still some left. What do you think of this? "It is a fair sacrifice in exchange for achieving a great (or greater) good for many." What she meant is that it was a "fair deal", rather than saying that it was "not so bad."
SupremeVoid
Dont really have an opinion on the actual content of the story. I need to read more to build an opinion. What I noticed however is that you have A LOT of double spaces in your text. They are so present, to the point, that you can tell where you edited the text a lot. You should check double spaces with the programm you are using. Almost every text tool has this feature. MISSE: It is a just sacrifice in exchange for achieving a great good for many. -> "It is just a sacrafice [...]" Word order -> "[...] for achieving a great good" I might be wrong here but in general I think you would say "greater good". Actually, I must say that I am impressed by your usage of words and grammar, espacially since I know that your english can be a lot worse. I am looking forward for more written stories from you.
