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Book 2, Chapter 32 - Catharsis
🕑 Added 2022-09-05 16:38:34 +0000 UTCThey were back in the caravan, Derivan and Vex seated across from Sev and Misa as it chugged along the road. They'd given breaking through the barrier into Fendal a few more tries, but every attempt they made simply failed, and so they had decided it was time to move on.
Not before Anton had sent them an update through the glyph, though: Time dilation has been failing. Fendal and Teque now operate at a 1:2 dilation.
Which had been a relief. If nothing else, Teque wouldn't have months or years to prepare for them to return, which might have proven disastrous.
And so, with nothing else to talk about, Vex had taken a deep breath, and explained what had happened to him when he was only six; the forcing of mana into his body just to increase the stat, and all the trappings that followed. How his love for magic had been used against him; how he'd been shut away from others, so he couldn't know how different other childhoods were.
How pain didn't register to him on the same scale as anyone else, now.
There was a heavy silence after Vex was done. He hung his head slightly, feeling oddly ashamed — not that he thought any of what his parents did was his fault, necessarily. He'd long gotten out of that mindset. And yet... the shame was still there. Maybe he did blame himself, if only subconsciously.
Sev was mostly quiet, though his apparent calm hid a certain amount of anger; Vex saw the way his fists were clenched.
Derivan's expression was more unreadable than it usually was, but the armor's hand was stilll gently clasped over his own. He had noticed Vex starting to tremble while telling his story, and slipped a hand into his in response. This time, there was no blush, no rush of anxiety and instinctive worry. Vex had seen it for what it was — a small comfort that his friend felt he could provide. He had squeezed that hand back appreciatively, not knowing if Derivan could even really feel the pressure of his touch, and continued.
Misa's reaction was perhaps the most overt. She took a moment to gather her thoughts, still, but she was the first to speak after Vex was done. "I'm going to kill them," she said simply, and Vex felt a certain horror at the way she seemed entirely serious.
"Misa," Sev said quietly.
"What," Misa snapped once, rounding on the cleric, and then stopped when she saw the stricken expression on Vex's face; she sagged abruptly. "Fuck."
"This is why you mentioned kidnapping your brother," Derivan said; it wasn't a question, but Vex nodded anyway.
"He was three when I left," Vex said softly. He let himself get lost in the gentle reverberations of the caravan; it helped, the sensation of something smooth and rhythmic, pulling his mind away from the memories. "They start the process when you're six. I tried to get them to stop, to at least wait for him to grow older, or something, but..."
He trailed off, and let the gentle hum of the caravan take over. Misa was the first one to speak.
"Elyra just allows this?" she asked. "There's… no fuckin' way they just allow this."
But the anger in her face said otherwise; she didn't believe what she was saying. She remembered just as well as Vex did, what had happened with the scientists back at the dungeon — what had happened to Kestel, simply because he had tried to delay reporting back, worried about what would happen to the soldiers.
He still needed mana crystals to be cured. They hadn't had the chance to gather any; not yet. The hope was that they would get some while in Elyra's Prime Dungeon; hopefully enough to heal Kestel and more.
"Noble houses can do whatever they want," Vex said, shaking his head; Misa snorted, but she seemed like she had more or less expected his response. "It's... that's the core thing Elyra is founded on, or at least what they tell us. Anyone can become nobility, if they discover something important enough; nobility is awarded on merit, not blood. At least not entirely. And they don't ask that you share your secrets, only that the results of those secrets are used to benefit the Kingdom."
"That's..." Sev frowned, like he wanted to say something more, but eventually he sighed and shook his head; maybe he'd decided it wasn't worth saying. Instead he gave Vex a small, pained sort of smile - the kind of smile that wasn't really a smile at all, but was the best comfort he could offer. "Thank you for telling us, Vex," he said, and his words were genuine.
"Where do you want to bring your brother?" Derivan asked him softly. Vex wasn't sure when it had happened, but he found his one hand clasped between two of Derivan's; they held him gently, as if afraid he would break.
"I… don't know," Vex answered honestly. "I haven't thought about it that much. I just… anywhere that's not here. Maybe not in Elyra at all. I want to bring him with us, but…"
"Adventuring is just a bit dangerous for a child," Sev agreed. The cleric hesitated for a moment, as if debating whether he wanted to say his next words or not, but then he closed his eyes and exhaled, and said them anyway. "Do you… if you want to take care of him, we wouldn't blame you."
Vex felt Derivan's hands tighten over his own, though the armor didn't say anything. He didn't need to. Vex felt the same way; the thought of leaving, even to take care of his brother, made him blanch.
"I can't just abandon you guys," Vex said, and then he paused, trying to find the words. "I didn't - I don't think you understand what you did for me. I was just going to try to figure everything out on my own, you know? I was going to try to discover something big; big enough to be recognized in my family, another secret for us so Helis doesn't have to suffer. I was alone for a year, just looking for something, ignoring everything that wasn't magic.
"It's so easy to get lost, even when you're doing something you love." Vex fidgeted slightly as he spoke, his claws digging into the wooden floor of the caravan. "I didn't think it would happen to me. But it did. I had idea after idea, but nothing worked, and I...
"I forgot why I loved magic," he said, the words coming out in almost a whisper; the thought was almost sacrilegious to him now. He bowed his head, ashamed.
His memory of that time was a blur, in truth. He had little notes and research papers filled with theories, a desperate search for a secret he didn't know was there. He remembered night after night of checking off his ideas, one failure after another, each one feeling like his only chance at giving his brother a better life was slipping away.
Slowly forgetting why he cared about magic at all. Vex shook a bit, feeling his eyes fill with tears, and the worst part was that he didn't even know why; this was over and done with!
"You guys insisting on coming with me on that quest was dumb," he said, the words coming out fiercer than he intended; it was what he had felt at the time, irritation and exhaustion. The idea of needing to adventure with other people felt like it was something that would slow him down. But...
"I was dumb for wanting to go on that quest at all," he admitted. It wasn't something he could have done alone. "But you came with me, and you kept asking me questions, and you were so kind, but you never asked for anything in return the way my parents did-"
Vex's voice cracked, then, and he curled a little up into himself; he didn't know why he felt so emotional, only that he did. These were the first true friends that he'd had, and he'd met them at the age of twenty. Before that he had his family and no one else, really, and now…
"Vex," Misa said quietly, and before the lizard knew what was happening, she had pulled him into her arms, tugging Sev along with her. Derivan followed by dint of not letting go of Vex, and in a short instant they were in an awkward pile on the floor of the caravan, hugging his still slightly-trembling form, and he did cry, then.
Because he knew he wouldn't be judged; because he knew nothing more would be asked of him. Because he knew they were grateful he had shared, and just wanted to show him that they cared.
And he'd never put it into words before, how much he genuinely loved them; what they had done for him, just by virtue of being there for him, even when he hadn't known he needed it.
"Thank you," he said eventually, because he didn't know how to put everything he felt into words, and those two words seemed to encompass everything he felt; the caravan hummed quietly beneath them, a gentle white noise to make the silence a little more comfortable. "I made more progress with you guys than I ever did without. You made me believe in magic again."
"I'm glad," Misa said, and then just to cut into the mood a little, she gave Vex a playful sort of smirk. "Even if it did mean that you blew up the cauldron a couple of times."
"I had reagents I wanted to test!"
"You also blew up your room."
"I was testing out a spell!"
"And that one poor innkeeper."
"He was a fire elemental! He was fine! He ate the explosion!"
Vex was protesting, but he felt a little warmer than before, and he could tell his friends felt a little better, too. He'd been so afraid of telling them all this for so long — not because he thought they would judge him, or because he was worried about what they would do. He just... hadn't wanted to revisit those memories.
But revisit those memories he had, and it turned out it wasn't quite as scary as he remembered, when he was doing it with his friends.
A few minutes later, the four of them untangled themselves to go back to their seats; as nice as the moment was, the wooden floor of the caravan just wasn't a pleasant place to be spending their time. It jostled and jerked with every movement in a way that the seats didn't, magically stabilized against the walls as they were.
"Now you know why I'm nervous about going back to Elyra," Vex said, trying to smile, although he thought he mostly failed; if he did, no one acknowledged it.
"If your parents try anything, I'll beat their skulls in," Misa said bluntly. "I have a mace for a reason."
"Please don't," Sev sighed. "Not unless Vex gives you permission."
"Thanks," Vex said, a little wryly. He appreciated the thought, at least. It was just... He had a hard time divorcing himself from the idea that his parents were kind, even now. He resented them for what they had done to him in his childhood, and would do to his brother, and yet...
There was that small voice in his head, telling him it could have been worse.
And it could have been, certainly. They could have been crueler, withheld even a single drop of kindness, forced it to go longer. They were themselves victims, after all, of the same treatment from their own parents.
But no. The choices they were making now were their own.
Vex leaned back in his seat and sighed.
The situation in Fendal wasn't gone from his mind, even with all of this; far from it. There was an air that hung around all four of them — a little bit of tension that didn't quite go away, even in moments like these, because for all that they weren't done — for all that they planned on finding a way back in, and on finding a solution —
It still felt like they'd lost.
Because they had.
But losing didn't mean that things were over. Vex had learned that from this group of friends, too, the same way he'd learned how to care about his magic again. There was always something new to do; always another path to take.
"Hey, Derivan," Vex said, glancing at the armor. He tried to keep his voice casual; he didn't know why he felt so nervous. "Let's train a bit tomorrow? I want to see if glyphs still work out here. And maybe we can figure out how your new stat works, too."
"Of course," Derivan agreed easily, with that signature tilt of his head and shift in his eyes that signified a smile. "I look forward to it."
