Robert Vlaho
patreon
[update] I believe it's time for me to be acknowledge it
🕑 Added 2024-02-20 21:53:30 +0000 UTCNo beating around the bush or stalling.
I have an anxiety disorder.
There is no chapter today. That's because I didn't finish it. I've had a particularly nasty episode these past few days, and it's reached a point where I believe it's time for me to be more clear with myself and my audience.
I'm generally rather terrified about sharing stuff in regard to my health, especially mental since I am always afraid of encountering backlash or being called out for whatever random reason anxiety likes to conjure up. But if I'm already going to be keeping my audience updated, I believe that being fully transparent is the best way forward. Because, you know, can't really solve a problem unless you acknowledge that it's there.
So, you might remember that I mentioned getting my health checked up. I did. I'm fine. Healthy across the board with no serious health problems (other than IBS, hehe xd). Which leaves a glaring question that I just have no answer for: Why in the flying fuck do I feel so bad all the time?
I have a stress disorder. This is something I have a diagnosis for from when I pulled up to the ER with hyperventilation due to breathing problems a few years back. But reading more about it and learning about the differences between stress and anxiety, I can only conclude that it's well past the time to see a mental health professional. It's very likely that I have problems with both.
And this has also likely been true for a long time.
It might be strange that the fact I near-constantly live in existential dread casually flew over my head, but mental health issues have this way of sneaking up on you.
"I can't have an anxiety disorder. I'm in a good mood today," said me like a braindead moron. Well, probably shouldn't be too harsh on myself for this one. I've studied psychology, and I know that failing to seek help is just something that people with such problems tend to do.
When it comes to realizing that it isn't normal to live your life constantly in fight or flight, we all turn into Skyrim NPCs and blame the wind or some shit as soon as we feel fine for a moment. Must have been the weather. Sigh.
I'm gonna be 100 with y'all. I'm a man. I also live in Bosnia and Herzegovina. Finding quality mental health treatment will be a challenge, and it will likely take me some time to figure things out. And while this is very unpleasant to come to terms with, a lot of the responsibility falls on... me.
So what have I been doing?
... Not much, unfortunately. I've relapsed into heavy social media use to cope with it, and... yeah. Haven't even really been walking or exercising or anything, either. But I did start drinking less coffee! That's not nothing. Yay me.
As for the part that concerns you guys... Look, my ultimate goal is to increase my overall writing output. But keeping up with constant deadlines is killing me. And I ain't kidding; stress gonna give me a heart attack at this rate, bro will log out by 30. I'm literally balding (not a joke, although that might be unrelated to this).
You'll still see chapters at more/less the same rate, and with time, the frequency of releases should increase as I get a better grasp on my condition. But they might not be as consistent. Sometimes, I probably will have days where it just hits me like an 18-wheeler, and the last thing I need at times like that, as I've learned over the course of the past few days, is additional stress from having to force myself to shit out slop I won't be happy with.
Thank you guys an absolute ton for everything. In the last few updates, you folks have shown me nothing but kindness and patience. I promise that what goes around comes around, and I'll do my absolute best to ensure that you get the best goddamn writing you've ever seen in your life. Y'all inspire me and drive me forward. Thank you again.
And cheers. Have a good one :D
Comments
Kyle Cunnane
Hey! First time commenting on any one of your stories but I’ve really enjoyed what I’ve read so far. I’ve dealt* with very similar issues, and had problems with social media as well, it sounds stupid but follow a bunch of puppy/cute animals pages, so that they show up in your feed somewhat consistently. It was a nice break from the chronic scrolling* I was doing, at least for me.
Kuraiji
Both jester and 1% are so good I could read them both all day long without break. I hated Freddy so much at the start but you developed him so well I am truly amazed. Take care of yourself and come back when you're better with all the motivation you will ever need. We will patiently wait for you and wish your quick recovery.
Robert Blaise
Hvala legendo :D. Bgm nisam očekivao ovoliko naški da ispadnu iz makije kad se oglasim bahahahahaahaha
PA-JO
Drži se brate! Tvoje fikcije su među najboljima koje sam čitao. Ko jebe raspored uploada chaptera ako ti nisi dobro? Samo naprijed!!!
Raganash
Medication might help, and Journaling might not. Experiment and find out what works for you.
Robert Blaise
Yeah, I do feel like I have constant negative thoughts, and it's really hard to not identify with them. I'll try journaling maybe, but I also heard that meditation helps
Robert Blaise
It's not great, but Ive heard ok stuff about some people. If I can't track someone down IRL, I'll resort to online
Robert Blaise
That's why I do these updates :D jkjk.
Robert Blaise
Yeah, cold hands, IBS, and I also got sensitive skin :(
Raganash
I got diagnosed with an anxiety disorde several years ago. What worked for me is separating my emotions, the ones from me, and the one from the disorder. Being able to ground myself, and realize that the emotions I feel aren't really coming from me did help. There are a lot of useful tools online for management, try to find something that helps you. If it's just you Journaling about fine, if you need more go look for it. Take your time, do what you can
Isaac Boyles
I have no idea what the mental health care system is like there, but take all the time you need - it's pretty hard to get good mental health care in the US, even
Gerald Monroe
No worries, you know most patreon authors get into periods of akrasia like this. One thing that might help is to try starting a new story that excites you more. Another is to try to write outlines, or ask an AI model like the long token Gemini to suggest some text. Just make sure to prompt it better than Neon Dragons does.
Tryptic
Have you considered stressing out 100 other people in order to recover one percent of your sanity from each?
SirReality
I'm a primary care MD who treats anxiety, and also has anxiety. Know that we just want you to be well, and you don't have to apologize or anything. Do what you need to do to feel better.
Corey Paulson
Hey Robert. Same guy from Royal Road. I felt like sending you some money for Patreon. I am an LPC and I specialize in Trauma and Anxiety. I'm happy to help you sort through what type of therapy you're looking for or if you have questions about certain methods and how good they are. Also anxiety causes IBS. Sorry dude. All the blood redirects into your muscles because of the panic and it pulls it from the intestines when you're digesting after a meal making it not work as well. You hands also get colder. So if you been walking around with an icy touch that's also anxiety.
Lorevi Q
I understand how this thing can come as a surprise. When you live in your own head you tend to just assume everyone else thinks like you do and finding out that subjective experience you have is not in fact something shared by everyone else can completely blindside you. I wish you the best in dealing with your disorder.
SomeRandomGuy
Take care of yourself! We can wait xD The fiction isn't as important as your health Anyone who says otherwise can meet my favorite baseball bat~
Markel Creek
I'll be praying for you, stay strong and I know everything is going to turn out well for you in the end.
Alexander
Glad you are taking steps to take care of yourself and your well being
