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Handbook of Erotic Fantasy: Oil of Slipperiness
🕑 Added 2023-04-21 04:39:20 +0000 UTCA warm fire burned low. Two half-drunk flutes of effervescent wine fizzed upon the sideboard. From the unseen horns of some ethereal band, the smooth sounds of cool jazz wafted about the chamber. This music did nothing to drown out the cursing of a lubed up tiefling.
“Perhaps if you tried just one more time?” suggested Wizard.
“It won’t do any good. I’m a gods-damned statistical impossibility.”
Their special evening had been going so well. The ambiance and the cuisine and the company were all perfect. The Guildhall was empty but for them. Warlock was off communing with his patron. Cleric had lined up for the pre-release of Splatbook Saison, freshly imported from the Homebrew Highlands. And this privacy had proved to be a problem. For something special had been uncorked, and no one answered their calls for assistance.
“It is admittedly improbable that you would fail 78 consecutive Dexterity checks to stand up,” said Wizard. “The question of whether you are ‘gods-damned’ in the sense of being literally cursed by divinity does represent one possible explanation.”
“Not helping.”
“Ah! That does give me an idea. Might we not ask Goldie for help? Surely a bladed weapon of her intellect could —”
“Goldie is in the sex closet.”
“The what?”
“The sex closet,” said Thief, using the barely-patient tone of one explaining the very obvious to the very simple. “Upstairs with the broom of sweeping. I got tired of her offering pointers during. She’s banished during couple time.”
“I see,” said Wizard. “Then what of your tail? Perhaps you might lasso some nearby convenient furniture?”
“Zero. Coefficient. Of friction,” said Thief, once again in that same tone. “That applies to tails, feet, fingernails, and everything else slathered in your goo.”
“I thought you would enjoy being slathered in my goo,” mumbled Wizard.
The pair looked miserably across their mutual nakedness. Thief sighed a heavy sigh. In so doing, she moved ever slowly in an equal but opposite direction.
“Eureka!” said Wizard.
“Blow me!” exclaimed an excited Thief.
And thus the game of erotic air hockey was invented.
Comments
Laurel Shelley-Reuss
Dang it, I should have animated this!
Laurel Shelley-Reuss
Instructions are there for a reason!
Kelbaron
I'm just imagining that thief is constantly gliding on the floors and bouncing off the walls like she is a DVD logo on a black screen.
Michael Zemancik
And that's why you read the label. Use only the recommended amount when engaging in an encounter a creature one or two size categories larger (especially ifnyou're taking it up the bum.)
