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Handbook of Erotic Fantasy: The Language of Love
🕑 Added 2024-02-11 06:59:10 +0000 UTCIf you find yourself dating someone with an orcish heritage, there are a few important rules to keep in mind. Here are 10 important rules to keep in mind.
- Do not invent “cute” names for your partner’s junk. Nobody thinks that "thunderous thumper" or "berserker's bonecrusher" is sexy.
- Do not slip a little tongue into your makeout sesh. The tusks are a grim reality, as any number of lovers with impromptu tongue piercings might attest.
- Do not compare battle scars. You are calling your lover's prowess into question when you do. And if you happen to have more (unlikely) it will result in an honor-duel.
- Do not go vegan. Hearty meals are part of traditional orcish culture, and you do NOT want to take meat off the menu.
- Do not challenge their physical prowess. It’s all well and good to discuss tops and bottoms in your relationship. But unless you're ready for an arm-wrestling match to settle the question, you’ll want to proceed with caution.
- Do not mock their warcry. It can be intimidating the first time your lover shrieks at the height of ecstasy, “By the bristling balls of Gruumsh!” Take it as a compliment though.
- Do not complain about the smell of leather. Orcs love the scent of well-worn leather – it's the smell of battle. For many, it also happens to be the smell of love.
- Do not order a light beer. Orcs prefer ales with some punch. Light beer might be seen as an insult.
- Do not mention a fear of the dark. Darkness is an orc's friend, and they will waste no time reminding you that they have dark vision. Just remember that the hulking shape in the dark is with you rather than against you.
- Do not ever show weakness. Orcs respect strength. Revealing vulnerabilities is a sign of immense trust. Doing so too soon might be premature though, and risks a loss of respect.
Comments
Laurel Shelley-Reuss
These are great!
Laurel Shelley-Reuss
It's true
Michael Zemancik
See Gruumsh's blessed longspear, the tusk in your trousers, the green giant. You may be half-orc but you're *all* where it counts. Bloodrager, more like Bonerrager.
Michael Zemancik
Quick Femfighter, go fuzzy. Ranger shouldn't be able to resist her Teddy Bugbear.
