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Right to a Bear's Arms, Ch. 5
🕑 Added 2022-08-18 16:00:04 +0000 UTCHera hitched up her backpack upon her broad shoulders and stoically kept her rugged marching pace along the forest trail. It was not the Gym park; she had driven a fair ways out of town to reach a natural hiking trail that ran up into the thick forest and mountains outside of Arknought city limits. Here, the terrain was wild, rugged and untamed, just as it had always been before civilization had been forcefully planted in the valley down below.
Peering through the thick undergrowth, one could almost see the shimmering tops of skyscrapers glittering like fangs that pierced the sky. She inhaled deeply, the natural air filling her lungs and making her feel alive. A light breeze tickled her thick fur, and she rolled her arms again, joyful to have the stitches out and the medical wrappings taken off. She wasn’t even using her crutches. Behind her, she heard the dramatic puffing of breath and turning, she looked back with an amused twinkle in her eye to see Kelin’s black hair rising slowly up the trail.
It had been weeks since their first meeting, and the days had flown by so naturally and happily that she could barely believe it had been such a long time. Every time she walked into the gym for her therapy, there he was, eagerly waiting to hang out with her.
They frequently went on walks around the park, sometimes chatting other times in perfect companionable silence, but as she steadily continued to recover her strength, they also shared time together doing other activities around the Bear’s Arms. Rock-climbing, jogging, spotting one another for weight lifting, every single one had been more fun than she had remembered ever having when going for a work out.
She sometimes felt guilty that she wasn’t as good showing it, but she did work hard to make sure she kept in constant contact with the human. He had even convinced her to start talking with the counselors at the gym, and while she wasn’t a fan, she knew that his advice came from a desire to see her better.
They hadn’t gotten into the heavy stuff just yet, but the more work she put into her therapy, the more freedoms she was allowed. This hike was one of those, and when Rico had finally agreed to let her do so, obviously with periodic breaks and calls in at rest stops, she hadn’t wasted time in inviting Kelin along.
Always in high spirits, Kelin had agreed immediately; his energy was always something she could count on nowadays. She had even been finding herself moping less, and ever since they had traded phone numbers, she was constantly texting him or reading some funny article he was sending her.
His sense of humor made her smile even on the days when her memories seemed the heaviest, and he still gave her the space she needed when she got into the darker moods. He almost seemed to know, because that was when he was sending her the little jokes and memes the most frequently. Even if her response to them was a simple “Ha” it made dealing with her darker feelings a little easier.
Still, despite his exuberance, she couldn’t help but feel a little amused to see how hard he was pushing himself to keep up. The trails here were meant for Anthros, and so the physical challenge was perhaps a bit more than any Human would have bargained for when planning for a long hiking trip away from the city. He finally caught up next to her and bent over, panting for breath. He was wearing thicker clothes she had often seen him in, cargo pants and a sturdy jacket over an insulated shirt, along with hiking boots and gloves on his hands.
She had snickered loudly when he had first shown up at the gym at 6 AM, although to be fair it had been a little chilly so he had supposedly packed for that. It had not heated up much throughout the day, perhaps 70 degrees out, but it was such a perfect day nonetheless. She had started off in exactly what she wore now, a crop-top workout shirt that clung to her fur and kept her feeling free and flexible, as well as knee-length tights and thickly-soled boots. Her paw pads were tough enough that she needed no gloves, and unlike Kelin who had brought a survival knife, she had claws and teeth in case the need arose. Other than that, she hadn’t bothered to bring more than a spare t shirt, snacks, and her camel-pack for water.
“Going to survive?” she teased him lightly. “No one else out here, perhaps little Human needs to be carried down the next trail.”
“What?” he panted as he stood up a bit taller, sniffing and wiping at his nose with a sleeve. The air here was brisk and cool but still warm enough that it complimented itself perfectly. “And shoot the rest of my remaining dignity with a gun? No thanks, I’m still good for more.”
“Your endurance is impressive, for Human,” she slyly commented, sipping at the cord of her pack before reattaching the stopper and looping the tube back through the shoulder strap of her croptop. “We still have several miles of trail left, but can always call day when you can no longer walk. Is important to know limits, after all. Otherwise, will be carrying you back down mountain regardless.”
He reached down and took a deep swig of his own water bottle, swishing it around in his mouth and then swallowing it. Capping it back off, he sighed. “Ok, maybe a small break then.”
Once again, he looked up at her with that twinkle and smile that she had grown used to, and yet always made her want to viciously punch a nearby tree. It was something about the way he smirked at her, as if there was nothing in life but things to look forward to, and she wanted that feeling. He looked at her the same way, as if every interaction was a joy to experience.
She felt...guilty again. While he was great to be around, as much as she liked spending time with anyone, she almost felt like she was just using him. Before all of this, she had not been the most personable Ursid on the planet, and she worried sometimes, late at night, that their friendship was her half-hearted attempt of adapting back to a normal lifestyle, and after she failed to do so, she would abandon him for his own good. He had more to look forward to in his life than taking care of some broken creature like her.
And yet, even as she thought those things, a dark cloud looming in her mind's eye to obscure the bright, clear sky of her otherwise pleasant morning, a swift breeze was there to blow it back behind the mountains she formed inside her head. That breeze came in the form of Kelin, slumping down on an outcropping of rock, rubbing at his nape. He had his eyes closed, breathing deeply, and leaning back on the palms of his hand. The glow of the sunlit trail seemed to illuminate him, dark hair tousled by the breeze, and his entire being at peace. It was something that she wanted, so badly. It...or…?
She shook her head, violently dismissing the thought, but it clung to her, like a burr, or a tic. It burrowed deep into her fur and stuck to her skin. How long was she going to let things pass her by? It wasn’t like she deserved them, but she still wanted them. She still had urges, feelings, and even as painful as her memories got, weren’t all the storm clouds worth it for the ray of sunshine that came between them? Was life always rain? Or was there a lining to those clouds?
She sat down without meaning to, beside him, and she felt him shift on the rock. Their arms touched and remained touching. His skin always felt so strange against her fur; it wasn’t exactly a texture unless she was using her paw pads, but it was smooth. She could never tell if she liked it or not, at times it was very disconcerting but at others… She sighed and she felt him stir beside her.
“Bored?” he asked. “I only need another minute or so. I’m just appreciating the weather for the most part, you never get to appreciate nice days like today when you’re in the middle of the city. Even at the park, you don’t get this real, raw exposure. It's surreal, don’t you think?”
“Yes,” she responded softly. “But days like today, they make me nervous more than relaxed, no matter how calm, or pleasant it may be.”
“Nervous? How so?” She heard him undoing his water bottle again, her sensitive ears actually able to hear him swallowing.
“Look at sky,” she responded. They both looked up at her bidding. It was a perfect and completely blue sky, without any cloud coverage. The sun was so bright it hurt her eyes even in the peripherals, warm, but also cool. The perfect mixture of temperatures, humidity, and only a simple breeze to abate the uncovered heat of the sun.
They waited a minute or so, and then Kelin said, “You’ve...lost me here. I look up and I see a day of limitless possibility, where you pray for these kinds of days all year and almost never get to enjoy them.”
“Yes, limitless possibility. Look closer, tell me what you see.”
He leaned forwards a little, crossing his arms across his knees. “No clouds, but the faintest shading in all that blue. The wind picks up every now and then, the sun is incredibly bright, and I can feel the entire world just being at peace. I don’t…”
She cut him off. “The shading,” she said. “You do not see clouds, but they are there. Perhaps they are weak, or maybe just building slow, might be storm rolling in from mountains. The sun hurts the eyes, so you do not spend it looking up. You look to the horizon, and wonder. What storm comes next? Is this weather, so calm, the precursor to the bad? You spend all the year, hoping, waiting for this kind of day, but you spend it inside when it does come. You do not remember the day. You remember what came after it, the grey to the silver. You think you hear, but faint, rolling of thunder far, far away.”
She heard him sigh, deeply, and it almost sounded frustrated.
“What?” she asked.
“You don’t count the day by the clouds, Hera,” he said softly. “You don’t count the breezes that are stronger than others. You can’t live if all you do is expect the worst even when nothing is going wrong. Your heart wants to feel the warmth of the sun, but something tells me you really do spend the day inside. You don’t want to feel it, because...maybe you don’t deserve it. Am I right?”
Her silence seemed to answer him. How did he always know? She hated that anyone could so easily read her. Was she such a textbook case? Was there anything to her anymore? Was she even her own person?
“Maybe something else is bothering you,” he offered then. “You gave the clouds an idea, and they represent, even absent, that idea to you. You let the sky run rampant and darken itself with a storm of pain and doubt, never minding that the rain that falls is but a part of the cycle. Where there is rain, there’s also sunshine to follow. But you can’t spend the storm looking at the puddles and expect an answer to come from seeing your reflection get distorted over and over. You have to stand over it, get your face right in there, and see who is staring back. You might even like what you see, even if it hurts. I know I do.” Her eyes swung towards him, and he was deliberately looking away.
Damn. She hadn’t wanted that thought. She hadn’t wanted to hear that. “You don’t...know me.”
“But I want to. It isn’t my business to know, but when my friend is hurting, I want to understand why. I want them to know that they aren’t alone, and even if there’s nothing I can do, they can always lean on me. They don’t have to deal with it all alone. Dealing with things by yourself is different than being all alone. I won't ask you to let me help you deal with whatever is bothering you, but I do want to be there for you no matter what it is.”
“Except if I lean on you, you might be crushed.” She tried to make it sound like a joke, but she had never been that good at faking humor.
“I’m tougher than I look,” he retorted proudly. He leaned against her arm again.
She couldn’t stand to look at him, so she gazed out across the hiking trail. Her face felt tight, teeth grinding, and her shoulders went tense. A headache was forming where the scars on her temples were. “Forgive if that I doubt,” she growled out sadly. Gods, she sounded like such a judgmental bitch. She needed to let things stay as they were.
“Try.” His voice was calm, self-assured. “Just try. If you don’t like it, if it hurts, stop wherever you want. I won’t ask for more than that.”
“This is sounding more than little like innuendo,” she growled, a bit of a bark of humor coming to her voice in the form of a snort from her long muzzle. “I mean, we are all alone.”
He actually laughed, and she glanced at him to see his face was flushed and he was chuckling now into his hand. “Oh gods, yeah it did there for a minute.”
They stayed quiet for a minute, and then, steeling herself, she took a chance. It hurt to drag up from the bottom of her chest, burned like acid coming from her mouth. Her ears folded down and she bit her lip, trying to make herself just say it as it bubbled upon her tongue. “You...are the sky.”
Silence. She took a deep breath and peeked over at him. His nonplused expression stared at her, one of his notched eyebrows raising a little. He was going to pretend to be this dumb wasn’t he? Make her go ahead and say it.
“You are the sky,” she repeated, more firmly this time. “The day that I am nervous about. Sky, sun, wind. The clear sky, with haze of clouds that I know not if are fading or building, never knowing if storm will come and rain upon me or break and destroy me if I dare stand in it. The rumble of thunder to scare me, make me want to run back to cave and hide like animal, but also roar back at because it is not allowed to be scaring me. The sun burning with intensity too bright to look directly at, warming me nearby but always drawing the eyes once again. Breeze bringing it all back to calm and coolness, making it real, but also making me doubt if real, as if going to wake up at any second.”
His face slowly went from its fair shade to a darker, flushed color, his eyes going wide and showing off those bright crystal orbs. His hands clenched on his knees and he seemed unable to move, as if a small prey caught in the gaze of a predator who didn’t know if it was hungry or not. If it fled, would the predator chase it out of instinct, or let it go? If it stayed, would the hunter decide on an easy meal, or keep walking. “I…” was all he managed to utter.
She leaned harder. “You are just a man, young man, who knows not what my pain is, where it comes from, but fears me not at all. No matter the past, the history our races have, the violence, and rumors, and stereotypes. I do not feel as Ursid all the time around you, but you always is reminding me that we are different. Reminding me of why I served, of why I did what I did. You are special, weird, strange. You make the day seem more than just something you wait your whole life for, but hide from because you either do not deserve or that is not real or is going to change. You are not Ursid. You are not even Anthro. But around you, I am calm. I hate the calm, I hate the uncertainty calm makes me feel. But I don’t...hate you.”
His eyes were locked on hers and there was a complete stillness to everything around them at that moment. Birdsong faded, the breeze trailed off to nothing, and the rustling of leaves permeated the absence until there was nothing else but the way he looked at her, and she at him. She felt all the hate and loathing, all the fear and uncertainty warring against what she wanted to say. It colored her, filled her, but it poured out, like from a broken bowl. She felt empty while she looked into those eyes, but not as if he took from her, but as if he was taking it away before the hole could be fixed and refilled with something new.
“I know...that you are Human,” her voice grated in her own ears but she forced out the words anyway. “I know that you are not...in the thinking of that Anthro is desirable. I am the same way, once thinking of Humans as… But that was as child. I grew, I learned, I shared, I experienced. World is not so black and white, not all Human and Anthro, and instead is confusing, jumbled mess, that what scares and repulses you like exotic food until you just make yourself try it. I tried it, and it did not push me away. I made friends, I joined the Army, I served with no mind as to the hate but instead to protect. And when it came to doing the duty I was asked of, when I took stand to safeguard that what was important, it was not your kind that took what I treasured away from me. It was not just your kind that hated, but mine as well.”
Tears welled up in her eyes as memories came rushing back. Pain blossomed in her head, her neck, arm, and leg, and if she had been standing she might have crumbled. She smelled the burning street again, heard the screams, the roars, the choking air of Frenzy, and that horrible churning metallic sound as rotors came to life and metal death blazed through the air like seeking hornets. She clutched her head in her hands, bowing forwards and beginning to pant, breath growing more ragged, blood thick in her nose. A hand touched her arm.
Her eyes opened, and she saw him looking right at her, standing now and their faces level for one of the first times. She felt the tears burning on her cheeks, soaking the fur, and her teeth ground against one another as her muzzle trembled. Her claws had dug furrows into her scalp and temples, reopening old wounds.
Without a word, Kelin leaned forwards and linked his arms around her neck and leaned hard into her, head buried into the side of hers and face obscured by her thick mane of hair. Her ear twitched as he pushed against it and his grip was surprisingly strong, although his arms trembled a slight bit, telling her that he was purposefully exerting himself to make sure she felt it. His arms wrapped around the back of her neck and he just held her.
It was her turn to feel her face flush beneath the fur, eyes wide and ears folding back. He didn’t say anything at all, he didn’t move, he just stood there, leaning hard against her and hugging her as tight as he could. Her paws slowly lowered from her bloody temples, claw tips stained, and then she shakily lifted her arms up and warily around him in return.
Making sure she didn’t exert real pressure at first, instead just rested her arms against and around the Human’s back. At that touch, however, he seemed to redouble the embrace’s intensity. And she understood. This was how Ursid hugged. And he knew that.
She leaned slowly back but kept her arms around him. Her back went perfectly straight and she leaned her head down across his shoulder and forearm, teeth unclenching. Her paws tightened into fists across his shoulder blades and she hugged him tighter, trying to not crush him.
Hera heard him give a grunt of exhalation, but when she tried to slacken off her grip, he just hung on, so she resumed. He was cool to the touch where his skin was flush against her fur, and his scent, light and flowery from the stuff humans used called “deodorant”, tickled her nose, and kept trying to overpower his more natural, sweaty smell which she preferred. She felt some trembling coming from him, only to realize that with her leaning back like she was, he was hanging on by the tips of his toes to remain standing.
So she leaned back farther, and picked him up fully. He gave a single noise of surprise and then tightened his grip and hung there. A deep breath came from both of them unanimously, his of calm, and hers of rocky faces crumbling down. She felt the walls falling, and right on que, a fresh breeze through the trees around them gusted into the valley of her self imposed mental isolation and hate. Out went the bad smells and spirits, replaced by the new, the uncertain, and the gentle.
Finally…
“I…” came his voice from beneath her ear. She focused on him over the breeze inside her head and around them. “I’ll admit. When I approached you, saw the pain you were in, and knew that you needed help, I wasn’t doing it just because of why I said. But I also had never considered that you’d...feel this way too. I thought mine was just because of ignorance on my part. I never looked at an Anthro and dared to think, ‘what if?’ because...you’re right. Society colors us against one another, and the ones who tried to go against that view were labeled as weird, or worse. I sometimes, during the last few weeks, tried to ask myself why I felt this way.
Sure, you’re beautiful, but you’re not Human. We have so little, biologically, in common that I wondered, and doubted, if it would even work. I’m not this big, hulking male Ursid who can treat you right, and give back exactly what you do. I’m not even an Anthro, and I’ll never be able to keep up with you as you recover. I sometimes worried that...this friendship, our friendship, would fade once you got better. It made me scared to see you, to feel...deeper. Just like I did every time I walked into the gym and you were there waiting for me.”
Too? Beautiful? Her paws trembled from the way she was clenching them and she knew he could feel it. Her ears burned and she felt him trying to pull away but on instinct she kept holding on, worried that he was coming to his senses.
Spirits, please just let this last a second longer, let me feel like there’s something to this way I feel that isn’t just me attaching myself to the one constant I have before I push it away. Even if it hurts, let it hurt less just for a second longer…
At long last, she finally let go, feeling a weight falling in her chest as he leaned back, getting his feet beneath him again, now standing awkwardly with one foot on her thigh and one between them. She couldn’t look at him; she felt ashamed of her weakness, repulsed by her own self-denial. Humans couldn’t, wouldn’t overcome these boundaries, in fact Anthros failed to do so as well more often than not. She knew from personal experience.
Gaze kept upon his shoes, steeling herself grimly. She flinched when he touched her chin, but allowed him to lift her face up to look at his. The sun shone right behind his head, framing his black hair, and highlighting the few stray strands that had escaped his customary man-bun/ponytail, his stubble-covered cheeks that made him look like a boy pretending to be a man and yet remained so wise and masculine without being a stereotype.
He looked so imperfect, and perfect at the same time. On instinct, her claws dug into her arms, as if to try and dispel this dream-like reality, return her to the real world where things hurt, but less than realizing this could never be true. He immediately reached down with both hands, with almost lightning speed, pried her claws from her flesh, and then, purposefully, lifted her paws up with them, clasping them tightly together. He smiled, eyes sad.
“Please…” he uttered in a choked voice and she heard tears behind his words. Her ears went straight with shock. “Please don’t hurt yourself anymore. You are beautiful.”
He had felt when she reacted to him saying it before. She hadn’t thought it obvious enough, but he had.
“Even if you’re not Human. Even if I’m not an Ursid, not even an Anthro. You are, inside and out. I know...I know it hurts. I know you did your best back then, I know you tried to save as many people as you could, that you served to protect people and bring them together, not take one side versus the other. You don’t have to punish yourself like this, hate yourself because you couldn’t do it all. What you did mattered, and the world is better for having you in it. Don’t take yourself away from it. Don’t take yourself away from the people who still care about you.”
His hands shook from how he clasped her paws between them, and his expression was fervently fixed upon her. Her ears folded back, cheeks burning, and eyes tight. “You do care then?” she asked, feeling like a teenager, stupid and insecure, but needing to hear it. She hadn’t ever needed anyone to tell her anything, was confident and self-assured her whole life.
“More than I’ve ever cared about anyone else,” he intoned.
She closed her eyes, and leaned her head down towards him, pressing her forehead against his firmly. They shared a deep breath. “I don’t…”
He shook his head. “You deserve it, maybe you deserve better than me, you DO deserve better than me, but I’m all I got, and I’ll give you 200% if you let me.”
Damn him. The pain would destroy her, but maybe this would make it worth it in the end, even if only looking back to one perfectly imperfect memory. She shook her head.
“I don’t...date.” She made herself say it, trying to figure out the best way to explain everything she was feeling. She opened her eyes, fixing him with an intent stare that he was not to talk until she was done. “I have not dated much in entire life, and only ever Anthros. I know nothing of Humans' dating habits, customs, or anything of the like but I want to learn. Standards are much the same, I imagine. This is second date, can count all walks in park as date one."
Kelin's surprise and rapidly building joy was enough to nearly feel its heat radiating from him. She kept going.
"I like to text over phone calls, I do not enjoy theatres, restaurants are not sized for us so special occasions only. I do not wear dresses, I am handsy but also need my space, and I am not good with the emotions for the lovey-dovey when showing, but I mean them. I say what I mean only when meaning it, and I take what I want, unless you are saying to stop. You have seen that.” He laughed, making her feel a little better, although she fake flashed her teeth at him for it. “Good?”
“So good,” he managed, still chuckling, and wiped at one of his eyes with the heel of his hand. His black wristbands stood out to her vividly and she caught one in between two clawed pads. She thumbed over the material, and she felt him flinch. She knew why. He knew she knew.
“This will not happen,” she all but announced, meaning his wrist. Her eyes softened and she looked at her claw tips. “For me either. Good?” He nodded again. She slid her paw pad of her thumb along his palm, tracing the lines there. “Last of all,” she resumed and she leaned back from him, again at her full sitting height. She knew she had his attention utterly.
“You are owing me one hell of third date, and will be one. Because after it I will be taking you home.” She narrowed her golden eyes down at him, rolling her lip and her grip trapping him there. She felt and smelled his prey instinct taking over, wanting to flee but he was caught in the bear’s arms now and survival was at stake here.
His face went first pale, and then back to that bright flushed color. He tried to play it off with a smile but it seemed weak, giving way to his obvious trepidation and nervous excitement. “You aren’t going to eat me are you?” he joked.
“Like porridge from fairytale,” she responded curtly, and she saw him blanch again, swallowing, but unable to hide the exhilarated smile at the corners of his mouth.
“I...don’t suppose what with all this pressure I also owe you a kiss for this being a retroactive second date?” he asked. He tried to make it come across as self-assured and confident, but he only succeeded in giving away his small, fervent hopes. She rolled her lip more. More Anthros needed to date Humans; the expressions were priceless.
“If you feel brave enough to try,” she growled. Her arm slowly lifted behind him and trapped him firmly against her, face level with hers as she leaned in a little bit. “Maybe I bite, maybe I don’t. Human will have to try and take this honey and see what happens.”
He grunted a bit at her tightened grip around him and he took a deep breath. He made to lean in, but she leaned back immediately, eyes twinkling. He looked confused, flustered.
“You still are needing to ask me, is proper.” She winked.
“Ask what?”
“Etiquette demands the knight ask the lady fair for such favor, so as to maintain his chivalry,” she wiggled her ears and snout at him as she grinned softly. “But the asking must be proper and just right.”
He flushed again, she really liked that color, and seemed to steel himself. “Would you mind...if…?”
“No,” she cut him off, grip unrelenting.
“May I…?”
“Nope,” she cut him off again, paw lifting to stroke the back of his head softly without disturbing his manbun.
He closed his eyes, as if trying to maintain his composure and stay serious. He took a deep breath. “Hera…” he began, voice resolute after he had regained enough confidence.
“That’s better,” she growled and yanked him forwards, paw pads wrapping around the back of his head and bringing him up to meet her. It had been too long. The symmetry was off but she wouldn’t have changed it for the world. The taste of something light and sour but pleasant, the aroma of his natural human scent, the smooth texture, the way they matched movements after his initial shock; all of it flowed into and through her as the Ursid and Human basked in that single, perfect moment. It was, in short, the best kiss she'd ever had.
She leaned back eventually, basking in the warmth of that perfect spring day. She had deserved that. So had he.
He took a while to get his breath back, while it had felt too short she knew it had lasted for actually a minute or more of such breathless exchange and she had liked him being unprepared. He loosened his grip from her fur and she leaned her forehead against his again, able to almost hear his thudding heartbeat.
“Did I break you?” she asked, voice lighter and freer than it had been in so long.
“Yup,” he responded, licking his lips and inhaling deeply again. “Lady fair is a barbarian, but I wouldn’t change a thing.”
She chuckled, deep in her chest and throat, and he joined in a second later. She felt him brushing a hand through the fur of her cheek. It felt nice, better than any person’s touch had in years. “Want to keep walking on trail?” she asked. “Or good to go back and get dinner. Date does not have to be over.”
“Dinner sounds nice,” he agreed quickly, eyes fixed on hers. “Sushi?”
She snorted. “Is that because I am bear and raw fish is stereotype?”
“Is that a no?”
She sniffed and looked away from him. “Was not saying that.”
They went back up the trail the way they had come, the sun brighter and warmer than it had been, and for the first time, she really felt it. His hand felt good in her paw.
