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Sketches and Annotations
🕑 Added 2019-11-27 03:37:30 +0000 UTCDear Insane Children,
I've been doing a lot of thinking about PTSD and Transformation. And much of this thinking - as with much of my creative output in recent years - draws on a personal encounter with Chaos I experienced a few years back. I won't go into detail other than to say these events resulted in a complete breakdown for me - emotionally, psychologically, and physically. Font Lord was there during the worst of it and can attest to how consuming, painful, damaging, and ultimately transformative the experience was.
So when I write of PTSD and its immediate and lingering effects, I'm drawing heavily on personal experience and all the literature I consumed in the process of trying to heal myself. "Out of the Woods" was an attempt to channel the experience into a creative endeavor. I wanted to retell those classic fairytales because they contain a lot of the original Rules for the Avoidance of Chaos. After my experience, I thought a handy, graphically illustrated reminder would be useful for myself and others.
And to this day I'm still struggling with the last remnants of that encounter. Triggers and pains which serve as daily reminders of the powerful lessons I was forced to learn and the transformation I had to undertake (and am still undertaking).
Despite those pains, I can say that the transformation has led to a place where I am happier, healthier, and more alive than I've ever been. So there is a reason to hope that these encounters serve a purpose and can lead to a better place. Keep that in mind if you're currently struggling.
It's no coincidence that Alice's confrontation with Chaos and the return to the Child Self is being presented here-and-now. All of this is strangely serendipitous. I could not explore this story if I had not experienced that awful recent trauma. And, strangely, this mirrors how I channeled my childhood traumas into the narrative of AMA and AMR. Those stories were of my inner child told through the lens of "adult" Alice. Now it seems I'm channeling my adult trauma through "child" Alice.
Well... they say writers are always telling their own stories.
What they don't say is that a writer's own story is always changing.
The Illusion of Control
Pain is the brain's way of protecting us from future harm. PTSD is the pain response pushed into relentless overdrive by exposure to an event so traumatic we're unable or unwilling to cope with it. Unable to "get over it" the trauma consumes and destroys us.
After an encounter with Chaos, we spend hours and days reliving the past, trying to make sense of what happened. Conversations and moments are relived over and over. It's in these replays that we jump between states - shock, anger, bargaining, depression - trying to regain our understanding of reality.
The problem is that reality is shattered. The rules no longer apply. What we thought we understood – the constants that defined our existence – are now violated and irrational. Everything on that side of the equation is changed. And our notion of grasping (let alone modifying) anything on that side of the equation is destroyed.
The illusion of control is gone.
If we’re lucky we might eventually realize that unless we change things on OUR side of the equation, we'll never establish a new reality.
But that sort of change doesn't happen with the common elements we carry around in our pockets. We can't sprinkle a bit of Salt on the situation and watch it transform into another common (and harmless) element.
The required change is more fundamental than that. It requires dissolving.
A Dissolving of Self
Dissolving is difficult and painful. It’s also described as “Ego Death” – a process in which we’re forced to face and dismantle the hall of illusions we’ve constructed around ourselves. So we avoid it…
One of the ways people avoid the fundamental transformation required to evolve after an encounter with Chaos (PTSD) is to busy themselves with new projects. They put effort into external problems over which they can feel some sort of control. But this only delays the required transformation. The Chaos elements are still scattered about the scene of the explosion. Ignored. Untransformed.
Occasionally we trip over them. A "trigger" sends us reeling back to the events and outcomes of that thing that blew us to bits.
What's The Story?
Those are the themes we're exploring in Alice's "Asylum" adventure. And here's how I imagine we present them:
Our story is told from Child Alice's perspective. It's the story of a young girl caught in a loop - visiting the various domains of Wonderland over and over, trying to solve a puzzle that can never be solved. This routine has gone on for years and years with no change until one day there's a great explosion.
Hatter's increasingly complex experiments have ripped apart the reality surrounding his domain. In his effort to understand the nature of Wonderland - its basic elements, dimensions, and constants - he's cracked open a gateway through which The Mystery is flowing.
We don't yet know what form The Mystery takes (hence the name) but we do know that it's dark, terrifying, and can't be trusted. Everything it touches is consumed in shadow and it will eventually consume Wonderland if nothing is done to stop it.
Hatter implores Alice to travel Wonderland, collect the necessary (alchemy) elements, and heal the cracks forming in their reality. If she fails in this all is lost.
Alice must now confront a combination of internal and external threats. Wonderland was already transformed into something broken and treacherous. And now this new external threat is seeping in and destroying everything.
An enemy within. An enemy without.
The core revelation elements for this narrative are:
- At age 13 Alice cleaved herself in two.
- The half that "got busy" is the one we know from AMA and AMR.
- That Alice ran forward, knife in hand, to fight the dragons and slay the demons.
- And she eventually prevailed in killing the antagonist (Bumby).
- But something remained broken. She must dissolve and reform to complete the journey.
- Child Alice must be rescued from the PTSD loop and reintegrated.
- But Child Alice is fighting from within against the forces of transformation.
- In her battle against The Mystery, Child Alice will eventually realize what it represents.
- A reintegrated Alice must finally fight to dissolve Wonderland so it can be reborn.
The Mystery
Alice's other half - The Inner Child - is trapped in the past, stuck in a loop, reliving the horrors of the encounter with Chaos. Her world is a place of disorder and confusion from which she cannot escape. She's been around and around the place, dozens of times - think "Groundhog Day" - and played all the scenarios from every angle.
Adult Alice's attempts to enter this place are frustrated by Young Alice.
The Mystery is the manifestation of Adult Alice attempting to reconnect with her Inner Child. But viewed through the eyes of a child, the mature, shadow self of Adult Alice is alien and scary. She does not recognize The Mystery as her adult self. And what The Mystery calls "integration" Child Alice calls "destruction."
The Presentation
Presented in this way, we're able to re-tell the story of AMA, AMR, and Asylum from a perspective (of Child Alice) that allows "discovery" of the elements veteran players already know. For someone coming to the franchise for the first time, this means they can play Asylum without first needing to experience either of the first two games.
This also means that Asylum is a self-contained beginning-middle-and end for the series.
But Wait! There's More!
There is more but I want to pause here while everyone takes a moment to think about what's been outlined. It will probably take me a couple of attempts to fully capture why what I've outlined above is important to constructing the narrative I think we need for this game. Your comments and questions will help me understand where to sketch in more detail. So...
You know the drill. Read. Think. And then drop your feedback in the comments below!
I'm very much looking forward to your thoughts.
From Shanghai with Mystery,
-American
Comments
Magic and amazing, you're really doing a wonderful job
Karolina Belomestnova
I love this idea. This is my favorite concept of the story I’ve read so far :) Hope you stick with it.
It’s going to take me a while to wrap my brain around this presentation of the story but the concept is exciting. A few questions have sprung to mind (perhaps they’re already answered in the post but haven’t yet sunk through my thick skull). Is the initial “loop” that Child Alice stuck in part of the stages of grief or is it a state of existence prior to traversing them? If the former, is she trapped in Shock, exploring Denial without care, or going through all the stages? Or is it the latter, and the Hatter’s experiment and the breaching arrival of the Mystery what triggers Shock? Does the fire happen, Child Alice goes through Shock (in which perhaps she loses her Shadow/the splitting of Alices), and then loops through Denial until the Mystery arrives? I wonder if endless loops through Bad Stuff wouldn’t leave the Child jaded to a point where they wouldn’t want to proceed through the adventure, would danger that threatens something idyllic be a good motivator for action?
I too am sorry for what you have gone through. I've felt that the Alice games have helped me work on my own traumas The adult Alice is able to respond to her fights with her blade and other weapons. As a child she may not be aware that she can fight back at all so I'm curious how child Alice will be able to respond to her encounters. Also, this may be obvious to others but not so much to me. Since this is self contained, is this like an adult Alice looking back at that child part of her that was hurt and working through the trauma as a child? To recognize that as a child, you don't have the same faculties as an adult so when dealing with trauma, especially at a very young age, there is all emotion and little logical thought. Sorry if that had been answered previously.
Angel Wings
OK we're going to need a chart. We'll work on that later, but for now we have a question. The loop, it is the prelude chapter world, yes? And then the explosion, or breach or shock is what tips it into the first chapter.
Wiki
I am deeply sorry for wht you've gone through, but am also glad that you're happy now and in a better place. I hope everything keeps on being good for you guys. I am liking the story so far and am excited to see how everything will turn out in the end.
Sarah Heist
QUESTION: So would we then- seeing through the eyes of Child Alice- view Adult Alice as the dark "Shadow Alice" ? Is the final battle between adult Alice and child Alice or is it both against all of wonderland for the transformation to be complete? Can/will there be multiple endings or one fixed storyline? Or can there be the illusion of free will choice in the game but with the same general result ? Would we be meeting Hatter before Bargaining then, accordingto the outline? When/how would that happen?
Tal'Ki
My feels AMA, seriously you hit my heart. I'm so sorry you've suffered but am glad to hear you found a silver lining where so few do. So far, loving it, living it, can't wait for more
James Allvord
I was wondering if you were going to do something after madness returns, it seemed like their would be more to her story after she beat bumby. And after reading this I Know you have
Hookboy
I’m retired military and have had many friends that deal with serious PTSD. I am sorry you went through that and suffered, but your situation provided a path as an example of how one can overcome those demons. It is so easy to crumble and withdraw into the silent shadows, but you fought and the result of that battle is so clear and inspirational. If nothing else, and there is a lot more, you proved the battle can be won. You have shown that even if one is surrounded by the darkness, a beautiful light can be created. Your story tells all that even when one doesn’t think they can overcome a monster, they can actually be victorious and, on top of that, successful. The amazing part is you didn’t just prove one can overcome, you came back stronger and brought many together making all stronger as you share the lessons you learned. Hmmm, I guess we should tell Alice that Wonderland can be restored. I, as well as others, have said we am grateful for your creations that we have thoroughly enjoyed...but I guess it’d be better to say we are grateful for you. Thanks, brother. 🤘🏻
I can’t wait for everything this game has to offer people!
Lucas Severin
That was very deep mr. McGee it had me flashing back to the times I encountered chaos in my young life, and it 1st came in the form of a loved one giving me a threat of violence. Let's just say that mom always had a tight grip on her wooden spoon when I was growing up, (she did use it one me) and dad couldn't stop arguing with mom. Even to this day they still can't stop saying that the other ones try to manipulate me. But what their initial shock back then did that still affects me to this day is that it's made me really bad at confrontation. Example I really hate it when someone says they want to beat me up or threatens me with violence or calling the police on me. What I usually do when that happens is I'll try to deflect it protect myself claimed it was all a misunderstanding and walk away or if that person threatening me is unaware I'm in the room I'll just leave. But in the days weeks in months coming afterwards when I'm by myself their threat will always come back to my head and so will feelings of hostility and anger, and the fantasy that keeps playing on repeat of me messing up the guy who threatened me was screaming in the phrase "threaten me now, think your so tuff, why are you sceraming i thought you where the tuff guy?" when I try to tell my family about it I usually get one or two responses 1 you did it right you handled it well, 2 you need to grow a pair. And that leaves me feeling very conflicted and unsure of what to do. So anyway at this point in my life I am about to graduate from design school but I don't know what I'm going to ultimately do with that degree. I'm thinking I'm going to put it on hold for a while and I'm going to try to do something like join the military or police force (I've mentioned this in the past) so I can hopefully learn to get good at confrontation, or find a better/ easier way to deal with people threatening me. As for the game I really do like the direction you are going in, and I can't wait to talk more about it at the design discussions and live streams in the future if I'm still around for them.
Jen
Thank you for taking such a deep and thoughtful approach to this game. I'm sorry you have had to live with PTSD and the horrors that that brings. I think your experience, and journey through such challenging times will build on this ever detailed Alice story line. Thank you for sharing and creating 💕
This is the exact kind if narrative outline that we needed! This gives us a better look at who shadow Alice truly is and understanding that Alice's wonderland is basically a nesting doll with different layers and each layer is a different part if her story and at the very center young Alice remains in the same loop since the beginning while shadow Alice tries to work her way to the center in the first 2 games! It all comes full circle! I love how you make these emotional connections between yourself and Alice to create this rich story and gorgeous and horrifying world!
