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Reviewing lines from the scene I'm currently working on.

🕑 Added 2024-08-07 09:39:56 +0000 UTC

Comments

TheeBaconman

'Cassandra: Our front line has been overrun by the enemy's war machines. Both flanks have fallen back, and even the 1st Recons are retreating.' I'd change the line 'Both flanks have fallen back, even the 1st Recons are retreating,' to 'Both flanks have fallen back. Even 1st Recon's retreating.' 1st Recon is the name of the battalion, but the soldiers within it are not called 'recons.' Which the original phrasing implies. Removing 'the' sounds more natural.

Archeota

"Rangers! We got work to do!"

Archeota

Small change. "Yes sir" to "yes ma'am"

Piper

The rangers are based off the desert rangers from the wasteland series which is made by interplay / original fallout creators, it’s nothing to do with Texas rangers or anything

Oscar

Ik my stuff 🫶

Oscar

Yeah, I think using war machines as an expression to show that the NCR isn’t all it’s shown as a “professional military” as they draft more and more wasters and regular ncr citizens into the NCR army.

Stario

All great suggestions so far which cover most of what I would say. If I'd make a suggestion then, while I know the rangers in Fallout were based on the Texas Rangers they are more military in nature. If you want, you could have them make reference to the US Military ranger's history, there is a common motto they use which is "Rangers lead the way" referring to events in WWII during D-day. [You could alter this in this scene from:] (looks at the map for a few seconds, looks back at her, then turns and walks away) Ranger Leader: Rangers, prepare your weapons! [Changed to:] (looks at the map for a few seconds, looks back at her, then turns and walks away) Ranger Leader: Rangers, lead the way! Weapons ready! ---- I am not sure how prevalent this is actually in real military culture, though it is often depicted in media and could be a fun reference. This is just a suggestion of course, keep up the great work!

Bartender

Agreed with this, I might even use "Armor" or "Heavy Armor" more often instead of "War Machines". "War Machines" definitely strikes me as a sci-fi term and not something an actual military would use for easy recognition in the field.

Lord Bacon Fat the Third

This is an outstanding edit. Keeping things short and to the point especially during crisis, especially over comms, makes things urgent and feel real. The added bits about Baja and overall Nevada Campaign are chefs kiss.

Oscar

Here’s a little rewrite. It now sounds more native and military than long drawn out sentences. Furthermore, it gives Col. Cassandra a more accurate depiction as she takes command over the battle and forces the troops to stay on the line. It also cleans up the English so it doesn’t sound too awkward especially in a military setting. It also changes how the rangers dialog as Helios one is technically the Nevada campaign, so it refers to the Baja Ranger Campaign and that they may have fought sentry bots in Baja (a region in California). ———————————— Cassandra: (Shocked) “Huh?” Radio Soldier: (troubled) “HQ! We are being over run! Enemy has Heavy Armor, I say again! They have fucking war machines!” Cassandra: (Demanding tone) “Interrogative, What War Machines?” Cassandra: (Snobby, angry tone) “Major, what fucking war machines do these pricks have?” Major: “I’ve got no intel on this, must be what ever the Brotherhood was looking for at Helios One.” Cassandra: “I want that Lieutenant in the field shot, retreating with AT teams still on the front, we need those weapons recovered!” (She stares at the map) “Major, I’m taking command of this operation” Major: “Yes Ma’am” Cassandra: (to the radio operator in HQ) “Tell them to hold the rear line, not one trooper steps back. Have them shot if they do. (She slaps the map at the climax of this line). ———————————— Cassandra: (To rangers): “Rangers” Ranger Lead: “Colonel.” Cassandra: “We need this battle won, both our flanks are gone and the enemy is pushing us back. We need these machines out of the picture. Can you do it?” (She puts the Ranger token on the map) Ranger lead: “We’ll get it done.” (He turns to his rangers) “Ranger Company, Make ready.” ———————————— Ranger 1: “what’s the plan boss?” Ranger Lead: “Like in Baja, these are sentry bots, we can take them, use the Anti Mat.”

TrueBlob

My suggestions, commentary on my changes are in brackets: Cassandra: Major, you didn't say anything about the enemy having war machines. (It's a conversation so drop the major part and have her look at him.) You didn't say anything about there being war machines Cassandra: They're retreating when there's still AT on the field, those weapons must be recovered. Major, as of this moment I am taking direct command." Cassandra: Tell the remaining rear line troops to hold their ground and cover the AT team. Tell them the rangers are here. (I think Cassandra wouldn't use being shot as a threat to keep order, but instead would use the existence of the rangers to reestablish morale) --------------- Rangers enter Cassandra: Our front line has been overrun by enemy war machines. Both flanks have fallen back and even first recon is retreating. (Moves the red stone on the map). Our AT have been surrounded and we are going to save them, or failing that, take back those weapons. (She wouldn't ask if they could do this, she knows they can so she would lay out the plan)

JIngle

A lot of good suggestion regarding shortening the conversation. If you want to emphasize the poor relationship you might want to consider adding some voice lines for the rangers, maybe an amused "Colonel" acknowledging her when they enter followed by an "Of course, 'Colonel' " when they leave, empathizing that they acknowledge her rank but not the person. I wouldn't worry too much about "proper" military jargon since this is a post apocalyptic setting.

CensoredGrunt

Hell yeah NCR Super Mutants Rangers. I can't wait to see that.

본선 구

무어 대령은 대체로 매우 감정적이고 과격한 인물로 묘사되는 점, 누구와도 친하게 지내지 못하며 NCR에 속하지 않은 외부인에게 특히 무례하는 점을 감안하면 NCR에 완전히 동화되지 않은 레인저들을 배척하는 것도 당연할지 모르겠네요. 그렇다면 원래는 무어 대령이 베테랑 레인저를 전투에 활용할 마음이 없었다는 점을 강조하기 위해 레인저들에게 출동명령을 내리면서 주머니에서 검은색 돌을 꺼내 지도에 올리도록 연출하는 것은 어떤가요? 물론 단순한 건의일 뿐입니다만

Edward Buck

In an active combat situation the call outs should seem a bit shortened and sound urgent. Radio Soldier : “The enemy's war machines are breaking through the lines.” Change it to- Radio Soldier- “Enemy war machines’ breaking through the lines!” Cassandra : Major, you didn't say anything about the enemy having war machines. Change to- Cassandra : Major, you didn't say anything about enemy war machines. When the Major is speaking to Cassandra he should say “Yes ma’am.” Female officers are referred to as “ma’am.” Cassandra: Our front line has been overrun by the enemy's war machines. Both flanks have fallen back, and even the 1st Recons are retreating. (Moves the red stone on the map.) In the process, our ATs have been surrounded. We need to save them. At the very least, we need to retrieve those weapons. Do you think you can annihilate the enemy and save them? Change to- Cassandra: The front line’s been overrun by enemy war machines. Both flanks have fallen back, and the 1st Recons are retreating. (Moves the red stone on the map.) In the process, our ATs have been surrounded. We need to save them. At the very least, we need those weapons. Think you can do it? Hope this helps

SODAZ

네바다는 일단 임시로 넣어둔 것인데 베테랑 레인저가 활동한 지역들을 넣고 싶었습니다. 다만 잘 알지 못해서 여러분의 의견을 듣고 반영할 생각입니다. 그리고 베테랑 레인져와 카산드라를 거리를 두게 만든 건 베테랑 레인저가 등장하면서 전세가 바뀌는데 저는 그렇게 쉽게 바뀌는 전세였으면 미리 베테랑 레인저를 활용하면 되지 않았을까 라는 의문이 들게 되었고 그녀가 의도적으로 베테랑 레인저를 활용하지 않고 전투에서 명예를 쌓으려 했다는 정치적인 설정을 넣어서 NCR이 사용한 전술이 나름의 이유가 있었다는 점을 강조하고 싶었습니다. 그리고 말씀하신 대로 합류한지 5년밖에 되지 않았고 그녀라면 뭔가 그들의 압도적인 전투력을 존경하기 보단 의심과 질투가 좀 더 반영되면 어울릴 것 같아서 일단 캐릭터를 이렇게 잡았습니다. 그 때문에 기록에서도 베테랑 레인저의 활약이 기록되지 않았다고 가정한다면 전후 사정을 조금 더 맞아 떨어질 것 같습니다. 다만 이런 설정이 기존의 오리지날 설정에 너무 벗어난다면 역시 좀더 다듬을 생각입니다.

SODAZ

In fact, the song used when the Sentrybot appears is called War Machine, so it was intentional. However, if it's a little awkward, I'm willing to use War Machine for the lines in the previous scene but change the sentence to Heavy Armor in the future. However, if it's not too awkward, I'd like to use it as it is.

SODAZ

I also wanted to shorten the length of the dialogues. These sentences will be delivered to the voice actors and the scenes I worked on are short, which makes their recording more difficult. So shorter is better, but the translator translates them too long. Simplification of the sentences is also welcomed by me.

SODAZ

Yes, in Korean, it's semi-speechy and commanding, but when translated into English, it comes across as too friendly. I wanted to turn those sentences into narratives, but the translator had clear limitations. Nevada is a temporary inclusion for now, but if veteran Rangers tell me where they were active before Operation Sunburst, I'll change it to that region.

Collin King

Maybe it's just me, but war machines feels like one of those phrases. That's a bit clunky in this context that makes it sound like it was machine translated. Maybe "heavy armor".

본선 구

T-45d 파워아머의 등장을 기대하는 사람은 많아도 NCR편에 선 슈퍼뮤턴트가 등장할 거라고 예상한 사람은 정말 드물 텐데 팬들이 좋아 죽겠군요. 그건 NCR 기마대나 차량화 부대만큼이나 보기 힘들 줄 알았는데. 성우들이 모두 원어민일 테니 대사의 의도만 잘 전달된다면 문맥상 부자연스러운 부분은 바로 고칠 수 있을 거라고 생각합니다만... 레인저 리더가 "우리가 네바다에서 사용한 전술(The tactics we used in Nevada.)."라고 말하는데 헬리오스원을 포함해서 게임에 등장하는 모하비 황무지 대부분이 네바다 주에 속하기 때문에 좀 어색하다는 생각이 드네요. 적당한 지명이 없다면 동쪽, 북쪽, 남쪽과 같은 방위로 대신하는 것이 어떨까요? 그리고 카산드라 무어는 젊은 시절 NCR 레인저로 복무한 경력이 있고 그 시절을 그리워한다는 묘사가 있어서 필요하다면 언제든 베테랑 레인저들을 히든카드로 쓸 준비가 되어 있을 줄 알았는데 마지못해 그들을 투입한다니 의외네요. NCR 레인저와 데저트 레인저가 합쳐진 지 5년밖에 안 되어서 그런 걸까요?

Ryan Little

A few criticisms I have is the entire conversation being very formal and punctual. There’s a lack of simplification in Cassandra’s briefing. For instance, when she says “Our ATs have been surrounded” it would probably flow more realistically for her to say “Our AT’s been surrounded.” It would also apply to “ We need to save them. At the very least, we need to retrieve those weapons. Do you think you can annihilate the enemy and save them?” This whole line could be simplified to something like “We need to save them, or at least retrieve those weapons. Do you think you can do it?”

GiantBurger

“Do you think you can annihilate the enemy and save them?” (This line sounds a little off to me, I think it might flow better if it’s worded more as a demand rather than an ask, from someone in her position/rank) I.E. “you will annihilate/you’re going to annihilate the enemy and save them.” “Ranger Leader: The tactics we used in Nevada.” (This line while not an actual problem, sounds a little odd since Helios is in Nevada, and he’s speaking as if they currently aren’t in it) Those are my only current nitpicks that came off as off to me, but that is just my opinion.