Nixmare
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"My Reason" (Skip to the last paragraphs if you want context)
🕑 Added 2025-10-12 19:57:25 +0000 UTC(Notice: this is a personal venting text)
For as long as I can remember, I always lived in hospitals, there were nights where I was completely alone, only the noise of the machines that were connected to my body, when I finally left the hospital I remember seeing many children having fun with their siblings... And that made me want to have a brother, something I never had... Until you came into my life.
On August 10th, 2010, at my father’s house, was when I saw you come into the world, quite a peculiar experience for an 8-year-old boy, however, when I saw you I knew that you were that life companion I wanted, I knew that you were that brother I never had, a brother with whom I could play and laugh for hours, I remember they said “that puppy is not going to live, they always leave him outside, he doesn’t get food and he’s very dumb” so, together with my mother we fed you with a bottle and later with a bowl, we always had to put it in front of you since you never found it, days went by and you finally let me see your eyes, those brown eyes that I fell in love with just by looking at them, so we took you home where it was just my mother, you and me... And that’s how a life full of joy began, a life full of love.
I remember you got stuck under a cabinet and we were panicking because we couldn’t find you until I bent down and saw your eyes full of fear, you had gotten stuck, you were no bigger than the palm of my hand at that moment.
I still remember your first bark, your first mischief, your first toy, your first scolding... There are so many memories that come to my mind that if I wrote them all I would never finish... Because in the end, that puppy they said wouldn’t live, today is 15 years old, 15 years full of ups and downs.
In 2021 my father passed away, he was the one who brought you into my life and by fate I couldn’t keep any memory of him... But I didn’t care because there was nothing material more important than the most precious gift he gave me, you.
But life can cut like a knife, life has its whims, a small flaw among so much perfection that you were, there in your heart, you ask the world for an explanation but in the end it turns out there isn’t one, but I’m sure your heart was growing because it was full of love... Yes but love for chicken, your eyes seem to pop out and you won’t stop barking when you see a bucket of chicken.
But it turns out that having a big heart because of so much love is not as good as it seems, from that moment they warned me what could happen to you... I knew the treatment was expensive but I didn’t care because at that moment you gave me a reason.
When I started making renders many asked me why I chose to do NSFW, I simply answered that it was because I’m a degenerate who likes women with big features, others asked me why I didn’t take the time to learn how to use Blender to make animations instead of getting stuck with software that only makes images, I said it was because I never understood how Blender worked... And while that was partly true, the reality is that I needed to get money quickly.
I knew my mother couldn’t carry all the financial weight, so I sat down and on a laptop with 4 GB of RAM and an Intel Celeron I tried to learn how to use a software that I had been told was easy to understand... Needless to say, that laptop died, but then I invested in a computer, did 2 weeks of training and instantly went to war not knowing what the future held for me but I had a reason to strive every day, I would give my best to be able to give you the best.
Many ask me why I don’t upgrade my computer, why the hell I have no money in my bank account?, well... Because everything was for you, medicine, tests, checkups, transport, everything... Because that’s what you deserved from me, everything, because you are the reason for my smiles... The reason my childhood was more than just hospitals... I can’t give you less than 10000% of me.
My mother scolded me because I let you on the bed, I carried you and you filled my clothes with hair, my family and friends asked me if it didn’t bother me to pick up dog hair, I answered no, because I know one day I’ll pick up the last hair and that day a part of me will die.
And like a shooting star that passes one day when you least expect it, the doctor’s prognosis came true, today after 15 long years, your heart has grown tired, but I will never get tired of thanking you for everything... Thanking you for the smiles, thanking you for the moments, thanking you for the memories, even the tears.
Because tonight was the last time that your heart and mine beat so close to one another, the last night those brown eyes like chocolate more beautiful than gold looked into mine, a night when those soft little paws became hard to hold.
But until the day I die I will dream of you, in 1 million lives I will always choose you, I will love you until my last breath, you left physically, but something tells me that you and I will be together again someday.
Because you will never leave my side because I firmly believe that someone dies not when they are no longer physically here or when their big heart stops beating... They die when they are forgotten and I will never forget you.
Thank you for everything, this is not a goodbye... It’s a see you soon, I know that in the meantime you’ll be up there asking my father and my grandparents who loved you so much for chicken without stopping.
Meanwhile I’ll stay here, because you are the reason why I live.
The reason why I know what love is.
Thank you my brother.
Blacky 2010 - 2025
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If you took the time to read all of that I really appreciate it, I'm a person with very few friends, just 3, so I needed to vent somewhere, if you didn't read it, it's okay.
My 15-year-old dog has just passed away. As you can understand, it's a very hard blow since all the money I got from Patreon and commissions went directly to his health. Today his little heart couldn't take it anymore so he's now resting, I really can't express how grateful I am to all of you for allowing him to be with me longer, seriously, thank you so much, almost since the beginning of the month I was preparing for the impact, I was with veterinarians so that's why I was absent for so long, I'll take maybe the rest of the day to get my head together and come back stronger for him.
(Normally I wouldn't share personal things since I know you're not here for that, however I want to leave a tribute to him since without him I wouldn't be here)
P.S.: I'm sorry about how his nails look, but he didn't like getting manicures, but I did what I could.
Comments
Star.Va
Thank you, my condolences as well, it must have been hard to make that decision too.
rjdillard
Dont be hard on yourself, rest in peace and prayers to you and your family
Fallax
Take all the time you need, trust me. My family had to put our dog, Coco, down at only 6 yrs old (she was estimated for 12) because she contracted a stupidly rare auto-immune disease, targeting her mouth muscles. It’s completely and totally fine for you to need time to grieve, especially for someone so important, impactful, and present in your life. My condolences, love, and well wishes. 🫶🏻❤️
