Julie Hoverson
patreon
May Oysters Grieve - episode 10
🕑 Added 2025-02-27 18:00:04 +0000 UTCMAY THE OYSTERS GRIEVE - episode 10
STEAM WHISTLE OF A BOAT
SOUND OF WAVES AND SEAGULLS
ANNOUNCER Set sail for Excitement
Set sail for intrigue
Adventure is on the Horizon!
ANNOUNCER May the Oysters Grieve, episode 10
SHIP’S BELL RINGS FOUR TIMES – DING-DING DING-DING
ANNOUNCER We return to the blighted Schumacher mansion, honeycombed with secret passages… and riddled with murder! The staff have been stifled and the ballroom is benighted! What more could happen to the remaining family members – triplets Tim, Tony, and Lulu, Aunts Beatrice and Bethany, and whichever old man survived, be it Peter or Paul, in these last hours before dawn? And what about the mysterious person wandering around out in the storm, trying to gain entrance to the house?
MUSIC SWELLS
SCENE 1. MAIN FOYER
SOUND DUKE AND MAC RUN TO BODY, STOP
MAC Blast! Every time I let my mind wander, someone is attacked or killed!
DUKE I doubt me it’s anything to do with you, Mac. They’d keep on a‑doing what they’re doing even with your eagle eye on ‘em.
MAC Help me roll the body over, Duke. Carefully, now. Hmm.
SOUND BODY ROLLS LIMPLY
DUKE Is he breathing?
MAC I don’t see any movement. No pulse. I think he’s dead. [sigh] At least now we’ll be able to tell them apart.
DUKE Yeah, but the hunnert dollar question is, which one is he?
MUSIC
SCENE 2. BALLROOM
SOUND FIREPLACE IN BG
SOUND PAGES TURN
IDA Where did you happen across this journal, Bertie?
BERTIE In a very secret room Zorion and I uncovered far up at the top of the house, Miss Ida.
CECILE More secret than all them other secret rooms?
BERTIE I should think so, Cecile. It was up a stair and guarded by what I can only describe as a spring-loaded crossbow contraption that could easily have killed whomever tried to open the door.
CARSON Nasty stuff.
BERTIE Indeed. Inside, we found a plethora of stage magician’s gear. Vanishing cabinets and mystery boxes, and all that goes with them. As well as a poster for “The Great Ciabattini.”
CARSON I’m guessing the book was with them, then?
BERTIE Yes. Do you happen to speak any Italian, Carson?
CARSON Just enough to order pasta.
BERTIE And you, miss Ida?
IDA Italian? No wonder I couldn’t make any sense of it. I can read the handwriting, if that helps. I’ll never forget all those painful penmanship lessons of my youth.
BERTIE Could you perhaps copy out some passages for me? Preferably in more modern block letters. I can probably make out most of it, but right now, it might as well be in a secret code.
IDA I’ll have it for you in a jiff. Any passages in particular?
SOUND RIFFLING PAGES
BERTIE The glass box in this diagram, here, is what interests me, so any of the text in this general area would be most appreciated. I must find out how it is trapped.
MUSIC
SCENE 3. MAIN FOYER
SOUND MAC PACES
MAC If we assume the body is Gramps, simply because Paul was the more likely of the two to commit fratricide, then we still have Paul and Beatrice on the loose somewhere.
DUKE With everyone but us ‘n’ them corralled in the ballroom, there ain’t much chance for mischief, is there? No one left for them to pick off.
MAC I would still feel a lot safer – for everyone’s sake – if we could round up Paul and Beatrice and get them safely locked up.
DUKE That Beatrice is a high-kicking mare, to be sure, but you think she could really kill a body?
MAC I think we have to assume she’s the one who stabbed Bethany, and only failed to kill her sister through her lack of experience.
DUKE Hate does terrible things to folks.
MAC In her case, there may be other motivations at play. There are some emotions even stronger than hate. Particularly for that type of woman.
MUSIC
SCENE 4. BALLROOM
BERTIE May I have a moment, Lulu, privately?
LULU [a little worried] All right. Just over here?
SOUND THEY STEP AWAY
BERTIE I know how much trouble certain things can make, and want to leave it to your discretion who else should be informed about this.
LULU [still worried] You make it sound so very serious. Did you find another body?
BERTIE Nothing like that. No, upstairs there was [checks around to make sure not overheard] …an enormous black pearl. I am quite certain the box it is in is trapped, but--
LULU How big is enormous?
BERTIE – but even just gazing into the box, one could see that it had to be real. I wouldn’t want just anyone to know about it until you and your family decide what to do with it.
LULU But, how big is “enormous”?
BERTIE Ummm. I should say it was similar in size to a large walnut. I can’t say I’ve ever seen a pearl so very big in my entire life. It could be extremely valuable.
LULU Oh, my.
MUSIC
SCENE 5. GRAND FOYER
MAC Let’s assume the two people remaining at large in the house are Beatrice and Paul. And both are ready to kill.
DUKE Sounds like a right fine place to start.
SOUND MAC BEGINS TO PACE
MAC Beatrice wants the inheritance, so she can buy herself some long-desired fantasy of romance, while Paul presumably wants revenge on those who kept him locked up for so long.
DUKE Why would they a-done that, anyway? Ain’t the kinda thing you usually do - to anyone ain’t committed a crime.
MAC What if he did?
DUKE Did what?
MAC Committed a crime. Perhaps the family felt the shame of a public trial would be too much, and decided to handle it by keeping it in the family.
DUKE Din’t he say he was locked up for nearly thirty years? What coulda happened so long ago?
MAC [grim] Barbara Schumacher, identical sister of Beatrice and Bethany, and the mother of Tim, Tony, and Lulu – died.
DUKE [horrified] You think he mighta killed his own niece?
MAC [grim] Or worse. There are other factors to take into consideration, none of which are… savory. Either way, locking him up and making him disappear must have seemed like the right choice at the time.
DUKE Gramps musta been the one that done the locking up, too! But what’s all this got to do with the murders now?
MAC The way I see it, Paul wanted – or needed – to get back at those who locked him up, meaning Peter… and the servants, Gideon and Hilda. They must have been complicit in his care – feeding him and taking him supplies.
DUKE You gotcha something there, pal!
MAC He may also have it in for Beatrice and Bethany, if they were involved at all.
DUKE At least Lulu and the boys shouldn’t be on his “most wanted” list – they were barely born at the time.
MUSIC
SCENE 6. KITCHEN
SOUND KNIFE FROM KNIFE BLOCK
BEATRICE Oh that butter feels so good! I didn’t even notice how much damage I did, dragging off my dear Zorion, but it was worth it. He’s almost everything I always wanted in a man. And since I’ll be rich once I sell the black pearl, I don’t even need him to provide for us. Just to love me as I deserve to be loved!
SOUND SLIDES KNIFE BACK, THEN PULLS IT OUT
BEATRICE I best keep this. I might have to cut him out of the ropes I tied him with. [dark] Or defend myself against that woman that lays claim to his affections. I fancy that’s that actress – the wild one – from Tim’s idiot film. Too bad for him if I hurt her a bit. [chuckles creepily]
MUSIC
SCENE 7. OUTSIDE
SOUND SQUISHY WALKING, HEAVY STORM
HAKU Must get inside. Almost got blowed away more than once, but nothing gonna stop me. Bad luck she was here when the storm came. I don’t care who finds out about us, if it keeps her from being hurt.
SOUND STEPS MOVE OFF MUD ONTO STONE
HAKU [heavy sigh] Finally. Good thing I have a key.
SOUND JINGLE OF LARGE RING OF KEYS
MUSIC
FAKE COMMERCIAL
ANNOUNCER We've all had one of those trips: driving carelessly through luscious countryside, enjoying the fresh air and sunshine, far away from the madding crowd... and run out of gas.
SOUND MUSIC TURNS DARK
ANNOUNCER And what do you do if there's no help to be found for miles in any direction? When the last sign of civilization you passed was hours ago, and was one lonely Burma-shave sign, without a rhyme or reason?
SOUND MUSIC BRIGHTENS
ANNOUNCER If you planned ahead, you might have a full gas can, and wouldn’t spend more than a brief pause of inconvenience. Farwest Aid Society for Travelers F-A-S-T FAST! [fast effect] Is the best friend a traveler in the Pacific has. FAST [fast effect] won't buy you gas, but it is the backup plan for everything else. We’re there for you when your tank runs dry.
SCENE 8. BALLROOM
SOUND BOOK SLAMMED SHUT
IDA Bertie! I think you have some explaining to do.
BERTIE Whatever do you mean?
IDA I may not speak Italian, but there’s one word in here that even I can recognize – dynamite!
[EVERYONE REACTS]
BERTIE That’s rather what I was afraid of.
ROSE Dynamite? Who’s got dynamite?
IDA The Great Ciabattini [chah-bah-TEE-nee], for one. Or he wanted to get some. I don’t know which.
BERTIE It would have been before the law restricting the sale to professionals.
ROSE And Hawaii wasn’t even a territory back then.
BERTIE Pretty lawless, then.
KALEA Laws for poor folks and islanders. Not so much for rich white landowners.
BERTIE The rich always find a way to get what they want. Hmm… [thinks] Look, Ida, can you keep transcribing that book, while I go and find Mac and Duke and bring them up to speed on this turn of events?
IDA Of course, but there is one more thing you probably need to know first.
BERTIE I’m certain there’s plenty I don’t know, but I am all ears.
IDA Over here, where the others can’t hear.
BERTIE [serious] Indeed.
MUSIC
SCENE 9. GRAND FOYER
SOUND MAC PACES
MAC Paul may feel that his revenge is complete. All he needs to do now, is show up and claim to be Gramps, identify this body as the murderous Paul, and insist that he killed him in self-defense. He could be pretty much home free.
DUKE What a varmint!
MAC Besides, Gramps himself pointed out that since his brother was declared dead after being missing for seven years, Paul would be ineligible for the full inheritance anyway.
DUKE Unless he takes Gramps’ place.
MUSIC
SCENE 10. KITCHEN
SOUND CUTTING ON A PLATE
BEATRICE So glad I thought of this before I headed back. The way to a man’s heart IS through his stomach, after all. I hope he likes cold tongue and mayo. It’s all we had. I could wake up Hilda, but she would just complain, and I CAN make a sandwich or three all by myself.
SOUND WAXED PAPER RUSTLES
BEATRICE There. As neat a package as anyone could make. Wrapped in a nice towel, in a basket. He’ll see how much I care for him. What was his name again? Zero? Zorro? I can’t recall just now, but his face is etched in my memory.
SOUND BASKET CREAKS AS SHE PICKS IT UP
BEATRICE Oh, how silly of me! I almost forgot the knife! [giggles creepily]
SOUND KNIFE PICKED UP
MUSIC
SCENE 11. BALLROOM
SOUND FIREPLACE, CONVERSATIONS IN THE BG
BERTIE Secluded enough for you, miss Ida?
IDA Should be, but let’s talk quietly.
BERTIE You had something to say about dynamite?
IDA It was the mention of dynamite that brought it rushing back. In the catacombs under this place, when we were trapped, there was a place where we had to [shudders] uhhh… leap over a large hole, about 5 feet across. It was more of a clean gap in the corridor, than a sinkhole or animal burrow. And down in the bottom of it… [gasps]
BERTIE Go on. I promise anything you say is between us.
IDA Everyone saw the boxes, I’m sure, since someone mentioned that they might have cushioned a fall, if any of us failed to make it across. [haunted] They saw the boxes, but I – I saw the name on the boxes. [offhand] I’ve gotten a bit farsighted in my age.
BERTIE The name?
IDA All business, eh? [a bit less spooked] The name was “Hercules”. And I know the logo of the Hercules Dynamite Company all too well.
BERTIE You do? May I inquire how?
IDA I didn’t suddenly run off to Hollywood at my advanced age. I was a featured player - in serials, back in my heyday. Silents like “Dodie in Danger” – that was one of my biggest hits. Every other installment, I was tied to railroad tracks – the rest of the time, I was locked up with so many boxes of dynamite, I’m surprised I didn’t put it together sooner.
BERTIE [horrified] I say! They used real dynamite in your films?
IDA I certainly hope not, at least not while we actors were around. But they did use real dynamite boxes, if you know what I mean.
BERTIE I see. Is there any chance you might be able to lead us back to this trapped pit?
IDA [fearful] Not me, no! I’ll talk to the others while you find Mac, see if they can recall the way we got there.
BERTIE Cheers. And don’t worry. [lying smoothly] Dynamite that old is probably too decayed to do much.
MUSIC
SCENE 12. BALLROOM
SOUND CHAIR PULLED OVER, TONY SITS
TONY You doing ok, Marjorie? Rose says it’s not as bad as it looked.
MARJORIE [tired throughout] Which one are you?
TONY Tony. [self-mocking] The… evil twin.
MARJORIE Figures. I throw myself at a fellow, and he’s the evil one. [laughs, but it hurts]
SOUND TIM COMES OVER
TIM Rose asked me to check on you. But I can wait--?
TONY It’s fine. I mean, she’s fine, Tim.
TIM I know it’s not my place, and might not even be feasible, but if your movie is short an actress, Marjorie is very good.
MARJORIE I was about to say something like that, but it sounds better coming form you.
TIM [chuckles]
TONY Get Mac to suggest her. I doubt they want to hear anything from me except a guilty plea. But, if you can sing, I think you could do well in the role.
TIM Don’t worry Tony, we’ll hire you the best lawyers.
TONY Dying isn’t what scares me. No one’s been executed here in a decade.
TIM Still…
TONY It’s ok, Tim. I should be punished. [trying to keep it light] Besides, prison will give me plenty of time to write my next screenplay.
MUSIC
SCENE 13. HALLWAY
SOUND QUIET SNEAKY WALKING
BEATRICE [talking to self] It’s just perfect! My perfect man, a perfect pearl to pay for everything in my perfect life, and a storm outside the house. [laughs] It’s even a perfect storm!
SOUND SHE STOPS, CLICKS OPEN A LATCH
BEATRICE Now to start convincing him I’m the only one he needs. This lovely sandwich I whipped up after buttering my burned hand should satisfy any hunger cravings he has. And the way to a man’s heart… [chuckles delightedly]
SOUND DOOR SWINGS OPEN, SHE STEPS IN
BEATRICE I know a sandwich is a bit awkward with your hands tied, but I’m ready to hand feed you— [gasp!] No! He’s – where could he have gone?!!!
MUSIC
SCENE 14. SOMEWHERE IN THE HOUSE
SOUND ZORION’S BARE FEET WALKING
ZORION May be easy to move through hidden places, but they not go where I need. Some turn left, when I want right. And crazy woman moves through here, I can tell. I will not be fooled again.
SOUND HE CROUCHES AND TAKES A LONG SNIFFING BREATH
ZORION Many come through, not long ago. Rose and Amaya among them. But which way come and which way go? Choose, Zorion. Hmm.
SOUND DISTANT FOOTSTEPS SLOWLY APPROACH
ZORION Huh? [listens for a moment] Not the woman, then who? I will hide and watch.
SOUND HIS FEET PAD ACROSS THE FLOOR
MUSIC
SCENE 15. BALLROOM
SOUND FIREPLACE
ROSE Before he left, Bertie suggested we move everyone to the far wall of the ballroom.
LARRY Why?
ROSE I don’t know, Larry, but I suspect he knows something we don’t.
LARRY Why the far end of the room?
ROSE It could be any number of possibilities. Maybe he worries abut the house catching fire, or thinks that someone might come through that door, shooting. Ours is not to reason why…
AMAYA Get other end of couch, Larry.
SOUND COUCH MOVES, SLOWLY, ACROSS WOOD
LARRY [straining slightly] I’m not shirking! I just want to know what’s going on!
ROSE Move it over against that wall – that seems to be the remotest part from the house. Bertie’s not one to worry people until he proves what the problem is. Soon as he’s sure, he’ll let us know. Okay?
CECILE Well, Mr. Carson, they got Marjorie’s couch, how bout you help me move Aunt Bethany?
CARSON Count me in, Cecile. Ida?
IDA I’ll bring the pool cues.
MUSIC
SCENE 16. GRAND FOYER
SOUND MAC PACES
MAC We need to find Bertie and make sure everyone is secure. Then we can wait out the storm.
DUKE Oh, Mac, you know you ain’t letting go of a mystery like this that easily.
MAC No, but--
SOUND FRONT DOOR OPENS, HEAVY WIND AND RAIN
SOUND SLOSHING FEET ENTER
DUKE What in tarnation?
SOUND ONE DOOR WRESTLED SHUT, THEN BLOWS OPEN
MAC Here, let me help.
SOUND MAC DASHES OVER
SOUND MAC AND THE NEW ARRIVAL GET THE DOOR SHUT AND BOLTED
MAC [breathing a bit heavy from exertion] Now, tell us who you are and why you’re here.
HAKU I work here. Who are you?
PAUL [as Gramps, from top of stairs] Akamai? [ah-kah-mah-ee] Is that you? These are burglars! Shoot them!
SOUND GUN BEING DRAWN
MUSIC TO CLOSING
ANNOUNCER Can Mac and Duke reason with the groundskeeper, or will they have a fight on their hands? Will Mr. Akamai believe them if they tell him the man commanding him is not the real Gramps? Does Rose have enough bandages in that medical kit? And can Zorion get far enough away before Beatrice returns to have her wicked way with him?
END
