Julie Hoverson
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May the Oysters Grieve, ep 11
🕑 Added 2025-03-28 21:45:16 +0000 UTCMAY THE OYSTERS GRIEVE - episode 11
by Julie Hoverson
STEAM WHISTLE OF A BOAT
SOUND OF WAVES AND SEAGULLS
ANNOUNCER Set sail for Excitement
Set sail for intrigue
Adventure is on the Horizon!
ANNOUNCER May the Oysters Grieve, episode 11
SHIP’S BELL RINGS FOUR TIMES – DING-DING DING-DING
ANNOUNCER At the Schumacher mansion, the tropical storm outside must be passing, as a new face has arrived. Groundskeeper Haku Akamai [ah-kah-mah-ee] finds himself faced with a dilemma – the family patriarch commanding him to shoot some intruders – namely, Mac and Duke – in the foyer, and in cold blood. Meanwhile, Bertie has set off to tell Mac and Duke about the dynamite, while Rose and the actors huddle in the ballroom, hoping it will be safe. Finally, Zorion got away from the love-hungry Aunt Beatrice, but he is still lost somewhere in the house!
MUSIC SWELLS
SCENE 1. MAIN FOYER
SOUND GUN COCKED, FEET SHUFFLE
HAKU [incredulous] Kill them? You mean hold them until police get here, eh?
PAUL There’s no time for that. See over there where they killed … um... [thinks, great idea!] poor old Gideon? He’s right under that tablecloth, and yet you balk at stopping their rampage?
HAKU [shocked] Gideon? Dead?
PAUL Hilda’s been killed too. These men are ruthless.
MAC [calming] Mr. Akamai? [ah-kah-mah-ee] My name’s Sam MacDougall – Mac – and this is Ephraim Carlyle. We’re private detectives, and have no intention of making any false moves.
HAKU Good.
MAC That man giving you orders is not your boss. Don’t let him come anywhere near you.
HAKU What?
PAUL You’re crazy. He’s absolutely irrational, Akamai.
DUKE He looks jest like him, we’ll give you that.
MAC If you look under that cloth he so conveniently mentioned, you’ll see it’s your boss, and that man is an imposter.
DUKE [quiet] Mac, up at the top of the stairs like that, we can’t corral the old coot if he makes a break for it.
PAUL [commanding] Stop listening and shoot these housebreakers!
HAKU [loud] Everyone be quiet! [normal] I’m not going to kill anyone. Not like that.
SOUND PAUL STARTS DOWN THE STAIRS
PAUL Then give me the gun and I’ll do it. You don’t want to be out of a job, now, do you?
MUSIC
SCENE 2. BALLROOM
SOUND FIRE CRACKLES IN FIREPLACE
BETHANY [crying out in pain] Aaahh!!
SOUND ROSE DASHES OVER
ROSE [rushing] Darn it. It’s only easy to make crazy plans if I forget we have real injured people. Bethany? Are you awake?
BETHANY [gasping] It hurts.
ROSE I know, and I wish I could do something for you—
TONY I wish we could get her out of here.
TIM [hopeful] It does sound like the rain might be slacking a bit.
LULU Yes! If we’re just inside the edge of the storm, it may be passing.
ROSE Bethany, I’m going to roll you a bit toward the back of the couch, so I can take a look at the sutures. Lulu, can you take some pressure?
LULU Anything.
ROSE Hold her hands and let her squeeze as hard as she needs.
LULU Got it. Take my hands, Aunt Bethany.
BETHANY Uh-huh. [grunt of effort]
SOUND HANDS CLASP
ROSE I’m seeing blood. I’ll have to change the bandages, so I can see if the stitches are holding.
CECILE You need help again?
ROSE Thanks, Cecile.
TIM Can I do anything?
ROSE Oh, Tim. Um – Check on Marjorie. I can’t handle two crises at once.
MUSIC
SCENE 3. MAIN FOYER
SOUND PAUL’S SLOW MENACING STEPS COME DOWN THE STAIRS
PAUL [sharp] Akamai. [ah-kah-mah-ee] Haku [his first name, trying to be chummy]. You’ve worked for this estate for most of your life, haven’t you?
HAKU You know that, sir.
PAUL And you came all the way here, in the teeth of this fierce storm, just to do your duty and make sure that we’re all tucked away properly.
HAKU [sounds a bit like he’s lying] Of course. My duty. Is everyone else okay? Your daughters?
PAUL They’re around somewhere. These men haven’t gotten their filthy hands on them… [evil grin] yet.
DUKE [cutting in, speaking quickly] No you didn’t! Now, them’s fighting words, however old ya’are, feller. Don’t you even –
HAKU No!
DUKE Step up, old man – I’ll go ya with my good hand behind my back--
HAKU Stop it!
DUKE I’ll even take you blindfolded!
HAKU Shut up and let me think!
MAC [warning] Duke.
DUKE Nah, Mac, this ole varmint’s as good as called us—
SOUND HAKU SHOOTS GUN INTO CEILING
MUSIC
SCENE 4. UPPER HALLWAY
SOUND BEATRICE’S SLIPPERS WALKING
BEATRICE [fuming] I’ll bet I know what happened. It’s that woman – Amaya! She somehow knew I was stealing his love from her, and she came for him. Otherwise, how could he have gotten himself loose so easily?
SOUND DOOR OPENS, SHE PASSES THROUGH
BEATRICE Amaya’s one of those actors – that strange dark-haired girl. I bet that’s it. But he’s mine! I will not give up! This is my perfect chance! Good thing I remembered to grab a knife. I was going to cut him free, once I got him under my feminine spell, but now – I can put it to better use.
SOUND KNIFE DRAGGED ALONG WOOD
BEATRICE [creepy giggle]
MUSIC
SCENE 5. MAIN FOYER
SOUND GUN SHOT INTO CEILING, PLASTER FALLS
HAKU Everyone stay right where you are.
PAUL You’re fired! You will be off the property by dinner!
MAC That man is not your boss. Ignore him.
HAKU [suspicious] What about my wife and daughter, Boss?
PAUL [snide] Well, you’ll just have to take your damn wahinis with you. Unless you do what I say!
SOUND CREAK AND SCRAPE AS HAKU TURNS
HAKU Stay right there, old man! [a moment, then] Whoever the hell you are.
DUKE That’s the way, old son!
HAKU Neither of you move, either!
PAUL I suppose you figure if I end up dead, you can pretend you were never sacked. Hmph.
HAKU Why you look just like Mister Peter?
MAC This is his identical brother.
HAKU Mister Peter’s brothers gone long ago.
MAC We can explain later. For now, help us get him under control, Mr. Akamai.
SOUND DOOR OPENS, NEARBY
BERTIE Mac! You won’t believe what I -- Oh, dear, am I interrupting something?
PAUL [starts to cough, as a bluff] Aha!
SOUND PAUL RUNS BACK UP THE STAIRS
DUKE I’m on it!
SOUND DUKE’S FEET GO OFF UP THE STAIRS
MAC Don’t shoot Duke!
HAKU I still don’t know you fellas!
MAC Keep us covered, but will you please just look at something?
BERTIE What’s happening, Mac?
MAC This gentleman needs to know how serious everything is. [up] May I move over to the body, Mr. Akamai?
HAKU Okay. [reluctant] Mac.
SOUND A COUPLE OF STEPS, THEN SHEET PULLED BACK
HAKU Oh, man. Yeah.
MAC What made you so certain the other one was an imposter?
HAKU [quiet, but with some odd feeling] Mister Peter knows I don’t got a wife.
MUSIC
SCENE 6. HALLWAY
SOUND RUNNING FEET
DUKE [yelling while running] I understand revenge, old feller, specially for something like they done, but murder ain’t never the right answer!
PAUL [distant] You’ll never catch me!
DUKE What’re ya gonna do? Have ya thought of that? Gonna live in the walls like a rat til someone bulldozes the house? Run away and live like a darn beachcomber, at your age?
PAUL [distant] Better than being locked up in the dark! Again!
DUKE You can get yerself into a cushy mental hospital—
SOUND SECRET DOOR AHEAD SNAPS SHUT
SOUND DUKE PULLS UP SHORT, POUNDS ON WALLS
DUKE Dagnabbit! Doesn’t that just muck up the drinking trough! Guess I better get back, so Mac don’t think I’m lost again.
MUSIC
FAKE COMMERCIAL
ANNOUNCER We've all had one of those trips: driving carelessly through luscious countryside, enjoying the fresh air and sunshine, far away from the madding crowd... and run out of gas.
SOUND MUSIC TURNS DARK
ANNOUNCER And what do you do if there's no help to be found for miles in any direction? When the last sign of civilization you passed was hours ago, and was a ball of twine the size of a house?
SOUND MUSIC BRIGHTENS
ANNOUNCER If you planned ahead, you might have a full gas can, and wouldn’t spend more than a smidge of inconvenience. Farwest Aid Society for Travelers F-A-S-T FAST! [fast effect] Is the best friend a traveler in the Pacific has. FAST [fast effect] won't buy you gas, but it is the backup plan for everything else. We’re there for you when your tank runs dry.
SCENE 7. GRAND FOYER
HAKU Should we follow your friend?
MAC Duke can handle himself. Getting lost in the house, especially in the secret passages, would be the worst of it.
BERTIE I, for one, don’t care for the idea of being separated again.
MAC There is that. But we still have Beatrice to find as well.
HAKU [a little worried] She dead, too?
BERTIE No. In fact, we’re reasonably certain she’s the one who stabbed Bethany.
SOUND HAKU RUSHES BERTIE, SLAMS HIM AGAINST THE WALL
HAKU [panicky] Bethany? Stabbed? Not dead! Tell me she’s not dead!
MAC [commanding] Let him go. Please, Haku.
SOUND DUKE’S FOOTSTEPS RUN IN, ABOVE
DUKE I’m awful sorry, Mac, but that snake slid off into one of them hidden doors. [spotting Haku manhandling Bertie] Say, feller, what’s a-going on?
SOUND A MOMENT, THEN HAKU LETS GO AND TAKES A STEP AWAY
SOUND BERTIE STRAIGHTENS HIS CLOTHES A BIT
BERTIE Ahem. I think we need to take this gentleman to his… wife?
SOUND DUKE TROTS DOWN THE STARS TO JOIN THEM
HAKU [clearly lying] No, no, I said I got no wife. I just—
MAC [reassuring] She needs you. Come along.
SOUND THEY WALK
BERTIE [quiet, to Mac] I suspect this is part and parcel of those “old family values” that condemn Lulu, as well.
MAC No doubt. [louder] The ballroom is this way.
SOUND DUKE GETS TO THE MAIN FLOOR
DUKE Mac! We probly shouldn’t leave this laying around—
SOUND PICKS UP A CASE
DUKE Gramps ain’t gonna need it again, and might could be something in there we could use.
MAC Good idea, even if it’s just to keep it out of Paul or Beatrice’s hands.
BERTIE Let’s make our way back to the ballroom as quickly as we possibly can.
HAKU [anxious] That’s where Bethany – my Bethany – Is?
BERTIE Yes, sir. [turns to Mac] Mac, I’ll fill you and Duke in a bit along the way, but we may have fallen into some rather dire peril, again.
MAC Typical. Lets get a move on, Duke.
MUSIC
SCENE 8. BALLROOM
SOUND FIREPLACE CRACKLES
SOUND IDA WRITES
CECILE If the worst happens, Ida - I swear on my mama’s life I’ll grab you up and smash my way out a window.
IDA I appreciate the thought, Cecile.
CECILE You always been decent to me.
IDA [self-mocking] My Quaker progenitors would rise up and shun me if I didn’t treat everyone with respect. [hmm, thinks] Come to think of it, they’re probably already doing that for a variety of other things I’ve done in my life. Going to Hollywood, for one.
CECILE [chuckles]
SOUND KNOCK AT THE DOOR
BERTIE [outside] I say, don’t throw anything! We’re coming in.
ROSE [loud] It’s safe! We’re all the way across the room.
SOUND DOOR OPENS
SOUND THEY ENTER A BIT SLOWLY
SOUND HAKU PUSHES PAST AND DASHES ACROSS THE ROOM
HAKU Bethany!
BETHANY [noises of distress as she tries to move] Oh! My dear--
LULU [gently, to Bethany] Don’t move. He’s coming.
CECILE What do you know that we don’t?
ROSE Oh, how sweet!
SOUND HAKU DROPS TO HIS KNEES BY THE COUCH
HAKU I’m here. On the phone, you were – are you okay?
BETHANY [weak] Better, now.
ROSE She’ll need a real doctor once the storm clears, but she’s okay fpr the moment. Just stay there and let her rest.
AMAYA [indicating the three] Boys are talking, Rose.
ROSE Well I can’t resist an invitation like that.
SOUND AMAYA AND ROSE STRIDE TO JOIN THE BOYS AT THE DOOR
ROSE Secrets?
MAC [heavy sigh] Bertie was saying you’ve been keeping everyone alive. That’s good. You need to stay here and keep it up.
ROSE While you all run off and do… what?
DUKE You know Rose, Mac. She won’t lay off til ya fill her in.
MAC All too well. Alright. Bertie’s working his way through miss Ida’s transcript of this journal. It sounds like there’s dynamite somewhere in the house, set to go off if the pearl gets taken from the tower room.
ROSE You can tell me about this pearl later, dynamite seems more urgent.
BERTIE I’ve done what I can with this text, and it seems to say that removing the pearl will set alight a slow fuse that travels through the walls, somehow, and wends its way to a cache of dynamite in the lowest depths of the house.
ROSE But where in the depths?
BERTIE Ida said you had to jump a sort of trench…?
ROSE Oh, that? [remembering] There were boxes down there!
DUKE If Miss Ida described them right, then they’re chock full of some of the most unstable explosives around.
ROSE Are we safe in here? I don’t want to move Bethany or Marjorie, and there’s not really any place to go.
AMAYA Wait.
SOUND SHE STARTS MOVING AROUND, MAKING NOISES TO INDICATE FALLING, BREAKING THE GATE, WALKING, and JUMPING THE TRENCH.
DUKE [whispered] What’s she doing?
ROSE [whispered] I think she’s going through the route we took.
AMAYA Dymanite not close. You want go?
MAC I’d like to take a look. Whether or not the fuse has been set off, we really should intercept it and make sure.
DUKE Well, son, here’s the thing – anything that diary is about hasta be at least fifty years old. Including the dynamite, and the fuse, whatever they used for that. I don’t think we got too much to worry about.
MAC Old dynamite is particularly unpredictable.
BERTIE It sweats out its nitroglycerin, which, once loosed, could conceivably be set off by any impact.
MAC The fuse may be gone, but what about Paul and Beatrice, wandering the house? What if one of them finds the pearl, now that Bertie has opened up the turret, or maybe just decides to throw something in the pit?
DUKE Like evidence, for example?
AMAYA I will lead. I can find. Rose stays here.
MAC Yes. [warning] Rose?
ROSE Yes. [heavy sigh]
MUSIC
SCENE 9. BALLROOM, OTHER SIDE
SOUND FIREPLACE
HAKU [referring to their daughter] She’s fine. She knows to stay home. We’ll all be fine.
BETHANY I hate that you have to be here, but I’m so glad you came.
LULU I – may I – are you okay to talk a bit, Aunt Bethany?
BETHANY Yes. Haku, have you met Lulu, my sister’s child?
HAKU I’ve seen you around the movie set. Good to meet you.
BETHANY Sorry I waited so long, but—
LULU I understand secrets. That’s part of what we want to talk about.
BETHANY We?
LULU Tim and Tony and I have this idea, and want to see if you’re willing to go along.
MUSIC
SCENE 10. HALLWAYS
SOUND WALKING
AMAYA We go down first. Is a fall. Not sure how to open. Here.
BERTIE I say – that’s right where Zorion lost your trail before – oh, dear, it feels like days have passed, but it couldn’t be more than a few hours.
DUKE I’ll agree this night has stretched on a good bit, old son.
MAC Did anyone do anything other than walk across this area, Amaya?
AMAYA Mmm. [thinks] Larry was looking at painting, there.
MAC This one?
AMAYA Mm-hmm.
MAC Okay, clear the area, I’ll try a few things.
SOUND CLICK, CLICK, CLICK, THEN THUMP
MAC [sliding down the floor] Whoa!
SOUND THUMP, BELOW
DUKE You all right, Mac, old pal?
MAC [slightly echoey, from below] Yeah. Give me a second to check around, then come down, one by one. I suggest on the side where the floor falls away – it’s a gentler drop than just off the edge.
SOUND MOVEMENT BELOW
DUKE Hurry up, we don’t know how to open this up again, if it snaps shut.
MAC Okay, looks clear. Come on down.
DUKE Cowabunga! Here I coooooome!
[note Cowabunga originated on Howdy Doody in the 50s]
MUSIC
SCENE 11. UNDERGROUND AREA, NEAR PIT
SOUND FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING
AMAYA [from a distance, approaching] This way. Will be there soon.
MAC Bertie, is your ankle feeling any better?
BERTIE I’ll be perfectly fine. Just my luck to land awkwardly on it, coming down that pit.
SOUND THEY COME ROUND THE CORNER AND ARE IN SCENE
AMAYA Aha!
DUKE Yup, that’s a trench, all right.
BERTIE How deep do you think it is?
DUKE I reckon about 30 feet.
MAC I wish the light was better. Huh?
SOUND CLICK AS THE LIGHTS GO OUT
[everyone gasps]
DUKE Well, I guess you spoke too soon, eh, old pal?
AMAYA Where lights switch?
BERTIE I’ve got a lighter, hold on.
MAC Stay well back from the edge. The fire shouldn’t set off the nitro glycerin, but if you drop it in, the impact might.
DUKE How’re we gonna suss out how much dynamite there is, without any light, Mac?
BERTIE Did you hear something?
AMAYA Feet. Being quiet.
MAC Back up, all of you.
DUKE They may hear us, but they can’t see us in the dark, any more than we can see them.
SOUND CLICK, FLASHLIGHT ON, ACROSS FROM THEM
PAUL [on the other side of the trench] You certainly can’t see me properly, blinded as you are by my flashlight!
SOUND GUN COCKS
MUSIC
MUSIC TO CLOSING
ANNOUNCER Evil Uncle Paul has the drop on Mac, Duke, Bertie, and Amaya, and he’s got a gun! Will they be able to stay calm and negotiate - so close to the pit of unstable explosives? And what of everyone else? Will Zorion find his way back before Beatrice gets her desperate hands on him again? Is the ballroom as safe as they want it to be? Will the night never end? It will have to, since the finale is closer than ever!
END
