Julie Hoverson
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May the Oysters Grieve, ep 12
🕑 Added 2025-03-28 21:46:30 +0000 UTCMAY THE OYSTERS GRIEVE - episode 12
Written by Julie Hoverson
STEAM WHISTLE OF A BOAT
SOUND OF WAVES AND SEAGULLS
ANNOUNCER Set sail for Excitement
Set sail for intrigue
Adventure is on the Horizon!
ANNOUNCER May the Oysters Grieve, episode 12
SHIP’S BELL RINGS FOUR TIMES – DING-DING DING-DING
ANNOUNCER Zorion escaped Aunt Beatrice’s kidnapping attempt, but where has he got to? Where has she? The actors, along with the moviemaking triplets; Aunt Bethany and her secret husband Haku Akamai; Rose, Kalea, and photographer Drew Carson; are safe – or are they? – in the ballroom. Not so safe are Mac, Duke, Bertie and Amaya, standing over a pit of nitroglycerine under the watchful eye of wicked Uncle Paul and more importantly, his gun.
MUSIC SWELLS
SCENE 1. TUNNEL NEAR PIT
SOUND GUN COCKS
MAC No need for that, Mr. Schumacher. We can hardly pose much of a threat, on the other side of this five foot wide trench.
BERTIE And blinded by your flashlight, no less.
PAUL No threat at the moment, but you pose an ongoing threat to my plans for revenge! Move back from the edge, there.
DUKE I don’t think so, feller. You shoot any of us where we stand and we might just fall in. And you know what happens next… boom!
MAC You are well within the blast radius.
PAUL You’d all die as well!
BERTIE From what you’ve said, sir, you intend to kill every one of us. This way, at least we save all of those in the ballroom.
DUKE Not to mention taking you with us, feller.
MUSIC
SCENE 2. HALLWAY
SOUND WALKING – BEATRICE’S SLIPPERS
BEATRICE [to herself] I’ll wager they’re together, laughing at me. That little wench, stealing my man! I’ll show her. He’ll see what happens when he doesn’t give me my rightful due as his object of affection. They’ve probably gone down into the hallways under the house …together.
SOUND SHE GOES THROUGH A DOOR
BEATRICE What if they’re after father’s vault? He thinks I don’t know about it and the money there, but I’ve been pilfering from him for decades. It’s my money too, darn him! Yes! That’s where they must be headed! They want to strip me of love and fortune, all in one fell swoop! I’ll show them! Once I get back to the kitchen, I’ll slip in through the door there… and then I can’t help but find them!
MUSIC
SCENE 3. TUNNEL NEAR PIT
PAUL Where’s the woman? There was a woman with you!
DUKE [casual] Oh, she’s just back behind us in the dark somewheres.
MAC You probably scared her off. Waving a gun tends to do that.
BERTIE Mac? Amaya hardly seems—
MAC Sst. [“shush” noise, then loudly, trying to hint] You can’t hold it against her that she wanted to find somewhere safer, Bertie.
BERTIE [not sure, but taking the cue] I… see.
PAUL If you’re expecting her to come around and sneak up behind me, you’re sadly deluded. I’ll hear her coming. She will just become my hostage!
DUKE Say, I got an idea, feller – whyn’t you let me take the chance to jump acrost here and face you, man to man? I’ll still give you one hand tied behind my back!
PAUL One move, and I’ll take my chances with shooting you!
MUSIC
SCENE 4. VAULT
SOUND VAULT DOOR CLOSES, DIAL SPINS
BEATRICE I should have thought of this in the first place. Now I can afford to wait until I get a proper price for the pearl, rather than have to take what I can get right away. [gasp] What’s that?
SOUND QUIET DISTANT FOOTSTEPS
BEATRICE Oh-ho-ho! Could that be the interloper I’m after? That wench! I should hide and grab her when she goes by. Yes! [getting quiet as she ducks behind something] She won’t even see me coming. Good thing I still have the knife.
MUSIC
SCENE 5. UNDERGROUND CORRIDOR
SOUND QUIET FOOTSTEPS
AMAYA If I find way up, I can get to kitchen and come back down from door there.
SOUND SHE STOPS
AMAYA [musing] That way is cells. What is this way? [considering] Some light far over. But direction is not right. Perhaps is way to go up.
SOUND SHE BEGINS WALKING AGAIN
AMAYA [sighs] Rose will be much not happy if brother is hurt. I must go quickly, now have better light.
SOUND SHE SPEEDS UP
MUSIC
SCENE 6. TUNNEL NEAR PIT
BERTIE I say, uncle Paul, what is your end game here? Do you have a plan?
PAUL I’m working on it.
MAC Right now, we’re at a classic standoff. You may have the gun, but if you shoot any one of us, the others will jump the gap and take you down.
DUKE Unless of course one of us falls in – shot or not – and everything goes boom.
MAC We can’t stand here all night. Something’s got to give.
BERTIE From the looks of it, there’s enough nitroglycerin loose in the bottom of that pit to do a good deal of damage. Might not bring down the proverbial house, but will certainly pulverize anyone this close to ground zero.
PAUL Will you just shut your mouth? I’m thinking.
MAC [sudden realization] That pipe!
DUKE What?
MAC [quiet] That pipe, there. The one with the holes in it that we’ve seen running through so many of the tunnels!
BERTIE [quiet] What about it?
MAC [quiet] The fuse – it must run through the house inside that pipe.
BERTIE [quiet] Thus the holes. I see! Without air, a flame would burn itself out before getting this far. Ciabattini thought of everything!
PAUL What are you idiots muttering about?
MAC Mr. Schumacher, see this pipe coming down the wall here? I’m convinced that it contains the fuse to set off this dynamite. It may be old enough that it’s unable to get this far… but it may not.
DUKE [taunting] So that nitro might just go up, whether any of us wants it to or not.
MAC I’d like to take a look, just so we’re not surprised in the middle of any negotiations. May I?
PAUL Check if you like, but if you make a move to come across here or reach for a weapon, I won’t hesitate to shoot... [pointing at Duke] That one.
DUKE So I’m the hostage. Go ahead, Mac. Check the pipe.
MUSIC
SCENE 7. BALLROOM
SOUND FIREPLACE
LULU Rose, can we borrow you for a moment?
ROSE Sure, Lulu. What do you need?
SOUND THEY WALK TO BETHANY
LULU We’ve been discussing what to do after this, for the family. Aunt Bethany and her family—
ROSE Mr. – uh-
LULU [amused] Just Haku. He’s apparently my uncle, so it’s ok to call him by his first name.
HAKU Uh, yeah. Strange to be able to talk about it. After so long.
BETHANY If anyone can understand wanting to go your own way, it’s Lulu.
LULU [smiling] Yeah. I’m just happy that it’s all out in the open now. I can’t believe you’ve kept it hidden for … well, about as long I’ve been alive.
BETHANY There were a few times I thought Beatrice might catch us, but we were very careful.
HAKU [warm] You outsmarted them all.
MUSIC
SCENE 8. TUNNEL NEAR PIT
SOUND SQUEAK ON METAL
PAUL What are you doing there?
MAC Trying to get my finger into this hole in the pipe to feel if the fuse is still in there. Would be a lot easier if it wasn’t pitch black.
DUKE Maybe you could toss us the flashlight, old pal.
PAUL You’re joking.
MAC He is.
PAUL How do you three remain so calm, in the face of certain death?
MAC Nothing’s ever certain.
DUKE Not til the cowboy rides off into the sunset, leastways.
BERTIE We’re rather used to being put in dangerous situations.
MAC I don’t feel any fuse. I think we’re lucky in that respect.
DUKE Makes this standoff a bit more even-sided, eh?
PAUL Don’t move. If I shoot you while you’re moving away, there’s less chance of an unfortunate …accident.
DUKE What’s that behind you?
SOUND [behind Paul] GROWLING OF A WOLF
PAUL Don’t try such a childish—
SOUND SOMETHING ATTACKS PAUL, SCUFFLE, GROWLS
PAUL No! Ah! Let go! Where did this beast come from?!
SOUND FLASHLIGHT DROPS, ROLLS, STOPS
BERTIE What the devil? Sounds like a dog or a wolf!
MAC I can’t make out anything - The light’s pointing the wrong way!
SOUND PAUL FALLS TO FLOOR, IS DRAGGED AWAY
PAUL Nooooooo!
SOUND GUN FALLS AWAY, KNOCKS OFF WALL, SLIDES
DUKE Dagnabbit! The gun! It’s sliding towards the pit!
SOUND DUKE’S RUNNING FEET
DUKE [yelling as he runs] I got it! Yaaaaah! [jumping noise]
MUSIC
FAKE COMMERCIAL
ANNOUNCER We've all had one of those trips: driving carelessly through luscious countryside, enjoying the fresh air and sunshine, far away from the madding crowd... and run out of gas.
SOUND MUSIC TURNS DARK
ANNOUNCER And what do you do if there's no help to be found for miles in any direction? When the last sign of civilization you passed was hours ago, and was a pair of mighty gates with iron bars, and no sign of what lay beyond?
SOUND MUSIC BRIGHTENS
ANNOUNCER If you planned ahead, you might have a full gas can, and wouldn’t spend more than a sliver of inconvenience. Farwest Aid Society for Travelers F-A-S-T FAST! [fast effect] Is the best friend a traveler in the Pacific has. FAST [fast effect] won't buy you gas, but it is the backup plan for everything else. We’re there for you when your tank runs dry.
SCENE 9. BALLROOM
SOUND FIREPLACE
LULU What we wanted to consult you on, Rose, is this idea we three had – Tim and Tony and I – that the boys will both sign away their claim to the inheritance in favor of Bethany, if she is willing to administer the estate to help us set up a real studio here so we can make our own films.
BETHANY I’m pleased that you’d trust me.
LULU You’ve always been the kindest family we have. But a lot will depend on what happens to Beatrice. Since she attacked Bethany, she might be amenable to a reasonable settlement and a promise that we won’t turn her in to the police, if she also agrees to forfeit.
ROSE You’d just let her go?
BETHANY We’re inclined to call a number of things “temporary insanity” and move on. We can also make sure Tony gets the best legal representation available.
HAKU I know a Mister Chu in Honolulu. Excellent defense attorney. Rotary brother.
ROSE Maybe he could also have a contract written up for this. Just so you can all be clear on the terms of your agreement.
LULU Good plan.
MUSIC
SCENE 10. EDGE OF PIT
MAC Dammit Duke! You fool! Jumping blindly in the dark like that!
SOUND THUMP AS DUKE LANDS, SCRABBLE OF HANDS ON DIRT
BERTIE [lets out a breath] Well, we haven’t exploded yet.
DUKE [straining] Dagnabbit, I halfway made it! Ung! [sound as he clutches the edge and bats the gun away]
SOUND HE HITS GUN, IT SKIDS AWAY
DUKE At least I knocked the durn gun back. [straining noise] But I’m hanging on by a thread here!
MAC What do you mean, Duke? We can’t see anything!
DUKE I need my breath for pulling myself up, jest now, Mac. [strains again] Almost….
BERTIE [quiet] Duke! You can do it!
DUKE One, two, three, Heave!
SOUND SCRABBLING NOISE
MAC Of course he can. [quieter, worried] As long as whatever got Paul stays clear.
MUSIC
SCENE 11. HIDDEN PASSAGE
SOUND AMAYA’S QUIET STEPS
AMAYA [to herself, but not too quietly] I heard howl. Must be he.
BEATRICE [noise of effort as she swings something heavy] Uwaaah!
SOUND WHOOSH, BUT NO IMPACT, SOMETHING HITS A WALL, SHATTERS
AMAYA Who is?
BEATRICE [exasperated squeal, then] You stole my man! Yaagh!
SOUND GRABS AMAYA BY THE HAIR
AMAYA My hair!
SOUND SLAPPING NOISES, BEATRICE SLAMMED AGAINST WALL
BEATRICE Ungh!
AMAYA I have [ungh!] things of import to [yah!] Do!
BEATRICE [breathing heavily] If I have to kill you to win his love, I will!
AMAYA You speak nonsense, woman! I am no one’s love.
MUSIC
SCENE 12. EDGE OF PIT
SOUND QUIET
BERTIE I say—
MAC Shh. [quiet] Listen.
[a moment of silence]
DUKE [yelling] You fellers all right, back there?
[startled noises from Mac and Bertie]
DUKE I got myself up on solid land again. And not a moment too soon. Found this, too—
SOUND CLICK, FLASHLIGHT ON
DUKE Whew! I do like a lil bit o’ light.
MAC Oh, Duke, you really have to stop worrying us like that!
BERTIE Before we begin the celebration, where did Uncle Paul get to?
DUKE Back around here somewheres. I can go look, but I don’t want to leave you’all in the dark.
MAC There has to be a switch somewhere up around the corner – that’s how he turned the lights off. Take a look and maybe you won’t have to worry about us.
DUKE Just a second.
SOUND HE WALKS AWAY
BERTIE [calling] I say, watch out for whatever was doing all that growling!
[a moment of quiet]
DUKE [slightly muffled] This looks like just the thing.
SOUND CLICK, LIGHTS ON
MAC Much better!
BERTIE [shuddery] Uh… No matter how aware I am that the pit is several feet away - in the dark, I felt I might shift my foot and fall in at any moment.
DUKE [up around a corner, ominous] Mac? This is… um….
MAC What? Duke? What?
DUKE It ain’t good.
MUSIC
SCENE 13. HIDDEN PASSAGE
[note: both are exerting and breathing hard]
SOUND FIGHT! IMPACT OF BODY, SOMETHING WOOD CRUSHES
BEATRICE Unhg! No!
SOUND SHE SCRABBLES UP
AMAYA I want not kill. You leave!
BEATRICE Ah…. Heh-heh-heh… But I forgot something!
SOUND KNIFE DRAWN
BEATRICE My knife! Now who’s gonna kill!
SOUND SWOOSH OF HER SWING
SOUND AMAYA JUMPS BACK
AMAYA You are stupid, think to kill for such of no matter!
BEATRICE No matter? Love is the only thing that does matter!
AMAYA Such pointless fight! Aaaaa! [she charges, but runs past and leaves]
SOUND AMAYA’S STEPS, LEAVING FAST
BEATRICE Where are you--? No!
SOUND BEATRICE CHASES AFTER
MUSIC
SCENE 14. DUKE’S SIDE OF THE PIT (around the corner)
SOUND DUKE WALKS SLOWLY
PAUL [whimpering and muttering] The claws! What was it! No fair!
MAC [voice coming from far behind] Duke? Do you need us to join you?
DUKE [yelling back, but kind of hesitant] No, no. I don’t think I need any help…
SOUND DUKE TAKES ANOTHER STEP
DUKE [quieter] Uncle Paul? You doing all right?
PAUL I – I give up. Just get me away from this horrible place!
DUKE What just happened? Who done this?
PAUL I don’t know, I just saw teeth, and fur, and – [cries and babbles] Oh my lord!
DUKE I’m gonna tie your hands behind you, feller, but I promise to make sure whatever it was ain’t gonna come near you again, okay?
PAUL Just get me out of this darkness!
DUKE [yelling back to the guys] I’ve got Uncle Paul. Why don’t you fellers see if you can find a way back out on that side, and I’ll see if I can’t get him up to kitchen this-a-way.
MAC Alright! Be careful Duke. And good luck!
MUSIC
SCENE 15. BALLROOM
SOUND FIRE IN BG
BETHANY I’m sure there’s plenty in the accounts to supply all of us with anything we need. All of us.
HAKU You three, and my wife and daughter.
LULU [delighted] That’s right! Lahela must be our cousin! Oh, but I’m not really included any more. I took that shot and am happy with my choices. I can just work at our studio.
BETHANY I see no reason to leave you out, Lulu. We both flew in the face of tradition to get what we wanted, and we should stand together.
LULU [sniffles a bit, deeply touched] Yes. I mean, thanks!
ROSE [touched] Awww!
HAKU Storm’s clearing!
BETHANY We must have just been brushed by the edge.
ROSE Clearing? How can you tell?
HAKU Smell. Air.
ROSE Even inside?
HAKU It’s still air.
MUSIC
SCENE 16. MAC’S SIDE OF THE PIT
SOUND DISTANT MOVEMENT
BERTIE What should we do, Mac?
MAC I say we follow Duke’s suggestion and find our own way out.
BERTIE We came down here by way of a sliding floor, as you may recall, so we cannot precisely retrace our steps.
MAC There has to be some other way out. We also have to make sure that we can find this place again, and bring down some munitions removal professionals who know how to handle old materials like we have down there.
BERTIE I expect they’re going to have to seal it in, rather than try to take it out.
MAC We also need to find Amaya and make sure she’s—
SOUND AMAYA RUNS IN, AND STOPS
AMAYA [breathing heavily] Mad woman wants kill. Catch her!
BEATRICE [off somewhere nearby] I’ll get you!
BERTIE What the Dickens?
MUSIC
SCENE 17. BALLROOM
SOUND WINDOW SHUTTER BEING CRANKED OPEN
ROSE Wow, you’re right – Dawn is breaking, and that sky looks perfectly clear!
BETHANY [fond and proud] He always knows when the weather’s changing.
TONY [rueful] I guess it’s about time to call in the police.
TIM I don’t see why was can’t all have breakfast first.
CECILE Um... maybe because the cook is… you know… dead?
TIM Oh, yeah. Well—
SOUND DOOR OPENS, IN WALK DUKE AND PAUL
DUKE Hey y’all! I got Uncle Paul here under tight wraps, and he’s ready to get took off to jail.
ROSE You caught him! Great!
DUKE Hold yer applause til the end, cuz I think I heard Mac and Bertie headed this way, too.
SOUND ANOTHER DOOR OPENS, IN THEY WALK
MAC You beat us by a minute or two, Duke, and we’ve got a captive of our own. Isn’t that right, Beatrice?
BEATRICE [defeated] I hate you all. You hit a lady.
MAC I just stopped you. You would know it, if I hit you.
BERTIE All that’s left is to find Zorion.
ZORION [on the other side of the room] I am already here.
MUSIC TO CLOSING
ANNOUNCER The sky is clear, the living are all in one place, and the night has been chased away by the dawn. There are plans to be made, and police to be called, but, for the moment, an aura of calm suffuses the ballroom. But can it last? It never does, so tune in again next week for the final episode of May the Oysters Grieve!
END
