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B3 - Chapter 3: Unfailing Protector

🕑 Added 2025-01-14 17:00:16 +0000 UTC

Comments

Andrew Simpson

Big awwww's all around this chapter. Crunch and Tania and rose. All of the cute reunions. Small critique: "... the desire" feels a little corny/artificial. The elipses imply hesitation or coyness, but that doesn't really make sense coming from the narration. Is this supposed to be Terry's hesitation? If that's the case, I would state what is being felt, and then show them being embarrassed/coy about this realization, but not include the affectation of elipses in the narration itself. If this is supposed to be like a transcription of Terry's thoughts then getting rid of The elipses, and replacing "desire" (a word with a lot of pulpy romance novel connotations) with a more euphemistic/youthful/personal description of the feeling would help.


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