BrianJNordon
patreon
Re-Write / Retcon - Chp 40 & Chp 41 - Complete
🕑 Added 2021-01-18 15:09:59 +0000 UTCEdited 1:40am on 23rd January.
Everything is done now, hopefully you all like the changes to them!
Hi Everyone!
I'm going to be going back to Chapter 40 and editing the middle part and end part. I've had some good conversations and great feedback from Patrons and on the Discord, and I feel that it's a little disjointed at the moment. I'll have it done before the Chapter hits Patreon this Friday, but wanted to give you all a proper heads-up that I'll be working on it.
I need to explain all the things that he devised in his chat with Jackal, and explain his strategy. Thank you all for your patience! :)
James
Comments
reji
Much better! 40 chapter is great, and I found only one part in 41 which I would like to point for the future: "Instead of rushing forward, James studied the enormous creature, waiting for the opportune moment to get to the ship. His plan hinged on him getting to the ship. This was the greatest variable, so he didn't want to rush it. Instead, he was going to study its pattern until he identified the safest path to getting what he wanted.". Reasons: 1) too much talk, no show; 2) repeatedly saying about "instead", "rushing" and "plan", but previously there was no indication he's planning on rushing; we doesn't know background, so why "instead", I stead of what?; and we doesn't know his plan at all. It can be rewritten with less repeatedness to... Example: James stood and watched the enormous creature, studying his movement patterns. His plan hinged on him getting to the ship, but how to make it was the greatest variable, so he keep watching, scratching Otto's belly.
bruh
nice
