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Ch. 252 - Be the kitten.
🕑 Added 2022-05-27 05:26:29 +0000 UTC"So let me get this straight. You want me to go out there, where the battle magic murderhobos are. And you want me to distract them, so you can sneak into Fillory." Josh asked with incredulity.
"Be honest with me. Did you sneak one of my psychedelic carrots while I wasn't looking because you have got to be tripping on some major cabooz if you think I'm setting a single foot out of my fortress of solitude!"
Josh Hoberman.
In the books, he was comic relief.
In the show, he was part of the eight person main cast all the way to the end.
Part of the missing third year class, he was a gifted naturalist magician who along with his girlfriend Victoria had gone looking for Fillory.
And when they found it? He was the first on the bandwagon to get there.
Of course, as we know, their trip ended horribly, half the class died immediately, the rest died to one of the seven magic keys effects, and Victoria, his girlfriend got trapped in the Beast's castle.
And while he escaped to the Neitherlands, he also got trapped out here because of his chicken shit attitude and the mercenaries perennially lurking the fountains.
I can understand the hesitation, honestly.
He was in a library storeroom which the battle hardened mercenaries couldn't get to. He has a source of water from a library bathroom in the corner. There was a small fish tank garden with carrots and tomatoes and stuff growing in it. Josh was a naturalist after all. He can grow his own food magically to sustain himself. He doesn't need to go out at all. An ideal hikikomori setup.
But.....
"Pfft!" I snorted condescendingly, "More like fortress of pussification."
"Excuse you? I literally helped you out here dude. Shared my pizza radishes with you. Least you could do is not be a raging asshole." Josh said, taking a bite out of one of his magical pizza radishes. If the name didn't give it away, yes, they tasted like pizza. Like the abstract concept of pizza. For him it was pepperoni and olives, for me it tasted like double cheese with mushrooms.
How? Magic. That's how.
Naturalists are bullshit.
In the show, I remember he baked a cupcake that could let you see into the underworld. His cooking and gardening skills are broken as fuck.
Of course, cooks don't make great actions heroes, a fact he was keenly aware of.
So I can't logic him into a fight.
No. This requires an emotional approach.
To rile him up till he charges off the cliff for me.
"Look at you. You hid out here while the Beast had his way with your girlfriend. Pathetic." I mocked, "You know who does that? A cuck."
"Okay, I know for a fact you're wording it weirdly but my girlfriend ....is dead." His face hardened, his eyes caught in a thousand yard stare, "All my friends are dead. Everyone I know. That's why I'm telling you to not go to Fillory. It's like a magical North Korea ruled by Mothra."
"Which you and your class went to for your spring break without doing any prep work or scouting. Miami just wouldn't do huh?" I asked.
"Well Mr. Smartypants, not everyone gets invited to Encanto Oculto. Some of us have to improvise." Josh argued, "And we didn't know fucking Mothra was going to be there."
"No? Did the pantone 22 sky and the perennial embodiment of hot topic that was the land not warn you that something might be wrong here. Or did you miss the sour looks on the residents' faces in a world where the air is literally 0.2 percent opium? Did you need the dark lord to personal rub his dick all over your face for you to get the hint?" I taunted.
"Look we made mistakes, I'll admit. But we just wanted to have fun!"
"Yes, I know. You went to go get white girl wasted and instead you got GTA wasted. But here's your chance to undo that mistake. Your girlfriend is still alive. One of my friends confirmed it." I lied. "But she's trapped. She's begging for help. And this, right here is your chance to be a hero. The hero. One your girlfriend needs you to be. Me and my friends, we are working on a plan to kill the Beast."
"Mothra." He interjected.
I glared at him in return and he shrunk back, meekly adding a 'sorry'.
I continued.
"We are on a quest to kill the Beast and free Fillory from his evil clutches once and for all. And you can help us." I leaned in closer, towering over him, "Join the quest. For once in your fucking life, you can be more than just regular old Josh Hoberman. Be the main man for once. Be cool."
"For the small, small price of my life." He let out a self deprecating laugh.
"You know the japanese term for a hero, is Yuusha. The courageous one. That's all it takes Josh. Courage. Not some fancy sword, a 56 inch chest, a jawline that can cut gems, or even superpowers." I poked him in the chest, "All it takes is the courage to stand up in the face of adversity and do what is needed. Not what is easy, but what is necessary. The price for greatness is sometimes sacrifice. And it's a price you have to be willing to pay. After all, no one ever got remembered as one of the greats by siiting on their ass in a bunker, hiding from their problems."
I could see a ray of hope budding within his eyes and I smiled.
This shit always works on guys like him and Quentin. They're just asking for a call to adventure, for someone to tell them their life means something more and they'll jump off a clif like lemmings to get that destiny.
He was almost over the edge now. He just needs a little push.
"So tell me Josh, do you want to remembered as one of the greats or do you want to whittle your life away in a dingy old storeroom, drinking recycled piss water and eating the same stupid radishes for the rest of eternity?"
As if invigorated he jerked into action.
"You're right." He said, standing up looking into the distance with a glint in his eye.
"I don't want to rot in here. I want to be something...someone."
He took another bite of his radish out of habit as he turned to me and spat it out, tossing the radish behind him.
I grinned matching his own and extended him a handshake.
He nodded with resolution and grabbed it with a grip and pulled me into an epic handshake.
"You son of a bitch, I'm in!"
"Just one thing." He asked as the enthusiasm wore down a bit, "How are we going to get past the mercenaries between here and the Fillory fountain?"
I just smiled and wrapped my coat around me, and with a thought turned invisible, and Josh's eyes almost popped out of his sockets.
"Act out, dude! That is so cool!" He cooed.
.
We stalked past the mercenaries around in invisibility, my lab coat stretched over the two of us, strained, as we came to our destination.
The underbrush around the amphitheatre, behind Fillory fountain.
"Alright. You distract them while I'll go around. And remember, act natural. Just lead them on a chase and then duck into your hobbit hole again to wait. I'll come and get you once I'm done with Fillory, okay?"
Why did I need to do this?
Because those three missing mercenaries will be noted.
These guys report back to the Beast, probably on some periodic interval.
And if the Beast doesn't get his daily report he'll probably figure something was wrong and use his future key to find out what I had planned for him.
I can't have that.
Hence, I need a distraction.
One that will fly under the radar as a non issue.
After all, the fat, coward that's never done anything in the past loops running around this time?
The Beast will think it's funny at most and ignore it, ordering the mercenaries to just kill him.
Me, an unknown who killed his mercenaries easily on the other hand, he won't ignore, if it gets reported.
It was a classic sneak tactic.
Almost cliche in fiction.
The heroes are sneaking about the villain's camp. Then suddenly, one of them steps on a twig and it makes the most nuclear siren of a crackle just to be extra.
All the guards' eye the spot cautiously.
Then, a cat meows and walk out from the bush and everyone heaves a sigh of relief. The guards ignore the problem, and the heroes continue on safely.
Yes. Josh is the kitten. A very fat kitten.
I told Josh as much.
"Remember Josh. Be the kitten. That way you'll be safe and I'll be safe too."
He raised an eyebrow and snorted in amusement, patting my shoulder with a sympathy reserved for autistic kids.
Wait a minute!
Does he think I'm stupid?
Heh! That's kinda funny.
I shook my head.
No, focus.
"Weird ask but sure buddy. Gotcha." Josh gave me a thumbs up.
Oh he's definitely looking down on me
This punk!
Just wait till I come back. I'll hit you with a ten hour tickle serum.
See who laughing then!
"But what do you want in Fillory? I forgot to ask earlier...." Josh asked.
"Information. The Beast's powers, his attitude, his general position on any given day. Information is as important as weaponry in a battle and I intend to go in fully armed."
He seemed convinced by that.
Good. I didn't want to craft a more elaborate lie right now.
"Okay. And how will you get out?" He asked again, jittery about the whole thing.
I could feel the nervousness and fear from him.
"You don't need to worry about that. I have it covered. Relax." I assured him, "Just remember to run fast and don't die on me, will you?"
That calmed him down a bit, his expression softened, and his jitters died down as a small smiled formed on his face.
He let out a sigh.
"I won't." He said munching on a tomato. Apparently it gave him the same effect as a performance enhancing, pain dulling drug.
Truly, naturalism is bullshit. I gotta learn it myself.
Wpuld save me so much time designing serums and drugs.
"Alright go!"
He nodded and dashed out into the amphitheatre steps around the Fillory fountain, acting as if he had stumbled in by accident.
"Oh shit! You guys again!" He cried out to the mercenaries, grabbing their attention.
"Hey! Who are you?" One of them asked, while another grabbed the mercenary's shoulder, stepping closer to Josh as he made a run for it.
"He knows." The other mercenary said, "Get him!"
"Shit!" Josh ran up the stairs and out the other end, reciting the script as I had told him, "Why are you guys always chasing me? I have already had to deal with three of you just today! Thre those three idiots into a founatin, and I can do the same for you if you don't leave me alone!"
"Yeah right. If you could do that you wouldn't be running from us, fat boy!" One mercenary laughed as he chucked a fireball at Josh, one he narrowly avoided, jumping around like a bunny.
I chuckled as the mercenaries emptied the enclave, chasing aftera souped up Josh and offered a silent prayer for him, in case he didn't survive this.
Good job Josh. I'll remember you.
Scanning the surroundings, I made sure no one else was around before making a mad dash for the fountain, still invisible.
With a plop I jumped into the pool and disappeared into it's dark, abyssal depths.
Comments
Leonardo Sampaio
The funny thing is I just finished Terreria last week so I know who Mothra is xd. Great chapter.
