SimplyTsuperb
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Vent - What you chose to ignore --
🕑 Added 2019-01-09 10:49:07 +0000 UTCI opened up to people when it first happened, I trusted them, to help me, to do something, it took so much courage to fight through my fear and reach out to the people that I thought could help and they didn't.
His mother, who I went to in tears and shaking with fear did nothing, didn't even try to contact my own mother who didn't know at all what I had been through. Instead she ignored it.
Mutual friends I thought I could trust, who told me, to my face as I held back tears, never to tell anyone and who actively made sure I was never alone with other friends I might open up to.
And when I left, even when that rapist ex of mine tried to keep me there as he dated a friend of mine I confided in, the police talked me out of pressing charges, because what he had done happened, at the time, seven years ago they asked me why I never told anyone or tried to leave.
I was raped, I was bruised and bent by a man who claimed to love me, who told me he loved me so much that I needed to be punished for his paranoia. A man who read my emails without my consent, who kept me from my family, who kept me locked up and isolated, but continued to abuse me.
He knew what he was doing, I was never allowed my own phone and the house didn't have one, I wasn't allowed to see my family, even after my father's surgery and tumor removal, I wasn't left alone with other woman or allowed my own friends.
He told me what he did to me was my fault, that I deserved it. I was living in terror, even after he did this to me he still demanded why I would interact with other men, told me I was cheating on him, threatened to slit my wrists, I shut down and thought I was going to die.
I believed I had nowhere else to go, that my family wouldn't want me, that no one else could ever love me, so I stayed.
He continued to mentally, emotionally, and physically abuse me. He demanded sex and I developed a repulsion to it, even having panic attacks when he initiated it. He is a monster, used me, abused me, and threw me away when there was nothing left to take.
John Ely raped me, a predator who groomed me from the age of 16, he never loved me and used me for anything and everything.
People knew and they did nothing to help me. So excuse me if I'm bitter about it.
I'm sorry for this, a friend suggested it may help to draw out how I feel, since at the time I was terrified to even remember what had been done to me. A lot of people chose to ignore me when I went to them for help, now my rapist is telling everyone I lied about what happened as a way to control him.
I really really REALLY want to hurt him.
I want to stop the emotional pain but I'm still working through so much and it hurts so bad, sometimes I still want to die just so I can truly stop feeling. But I'm too stubborn to let these monsters win in watching me falter.
If this is too heavy I'll make it private. For now I'll make it public. ;A;
Comments
Nice :-)
Thank you. Yeah, only a year, it feels so minuscule in comparison to how long I was trapped by him. I naturally want to ignore what happened, because that's what I did to survive through it, now I'm allowed to remember and share without fear and it's a huge weight off my soul to be able to tell everyone but also so painful. I want people to know because this pitiful excuse of a man doesn't deserve to get away with it, it just triggers my anxiety and panic so much lately when I do talk about it. Which I know I shouldn't blame myself for either, sigh, at least soon my medication situation should be taken care of. Thank you again, it's not as though I'm surrounded by people who want me to shut up but I know they don't understand how healing it is to open up about it.
I've been able to focus much more on my own happiness and self worth, I have a long way to go but any progress I make is amazing. I know, the officer who I reported it to was pretty blatant in how she spoke, that he would be believed over me since I had no evidence. They said all they could do was put it on his record and if he ever did anything in the future at least he would have a record. Sigh, my town isn't known for having a good police force.
Thank you, I'm so happy to be away from him, I hope to never, ever, be in a situation like that again.
Maxx001
Honestly, I've never had to go through anything as serious as you and I cannot imagine what all of this must feel like. Really all I can say is that I'm glad you're free of that abusive relationship and are finally allowed to get your life back together again. To my knowledge, I believe its been a about a year since you broke the news that you finally escaped him, so naturally its going to be some time before something as traumatic as that heals so I don't see any reason why you should feel that you need to bottle it up, let alone keep self-vent art like this from public view. By all means, do what you feel is best.
I just hope that you can find happiness now that your away from this man and know that the police officers that spoke with you were complete jerks and should loose there badges for talking you out of pressing charges against a person that abused you for so long, If he has placed a hand of you within the last 10 years it is still within the statute of limitations and be reported.
Serph Bravin
There's not really anything I can say to this that will sound earnest and sincere. Perhaps I'll just say I'm happy you're no longer trapped with him.
