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VORDHUSBAND (AVRIL SWAN SONG)
🕑 Added 2021-05-01 03:52:10 +0000 UTCThis is my new name. I will not change it for a long time. The name is a tribute to Richard D. James, my father. I love him with all my life. The name comes from the song “vordhosbn” which is one of the most beautifully complex difficult and expansively emotional songs I’ve ever heard. It’s made me cry so many times. I hope one day I become talented enough with computers to be able to arrange something so powerful with no words.
Deer Avril,
It has been quite an adventurous month. I’ve finally started to write down all these characters and their lore and some people seem to like it. I got arrested under the baker act law in florida and it was a turning point in my life. But i always feel that everything happens for a reason. There is order in chaos. I realized how smart i am. And that doesn’t make me better then anyone its just a fact. I think that people that get offended by someone who states something about themselves is always envious at its core. Since I’m not a murderer or a cult leader by law they had to let me go a week after. I don’t like the feeling of being in handcuffs or being physically uncomfortable so i saw being in prison again for a week as a test to see how good my people skills and how strong i could make myself without a gym or anything. I always have so much to say but its rare to find someone who likes to listen. Even my wife and husband don’t like to anymore. I think that’s why i use my para social privileges and talk to people in my server when I’m lonely. The position I’m in is one I never looked at without the filter of self hatred and suicidal thoughts. I have a lot of power. 49.1K people is nothing to be shy at. I should be proud of that number. But I’m not. Numbers make me miserable. That’s why i want to be wealthy. Not to be better then others but because anyone who cares about numbers is a doctor, a predotor, or poor. And I don’t care about numbers. I’m poor right now. I’m homeless. There’s actually a song that describes how I feel right now. It goes
I wanna go home.
I’ve given up on being happy.
I think that I’m sad.
I’ll bet heaven is okay.
I don’t have a job.
I don’t have a house to call my own.
I’m so fucking bored.
Don’t have a future anymore.
It’s a very special song to me. Ive heard it numerous times and it always makes me cry. I discovered it when i was with an abusive relationship with a sexy bear as usual. He made me feel useless ugly unattractive. I was always so bored. It’s hard to make me cry outside of art. I’m a very emotionally disconnected person. I think by technicality I’m a sociopath. But who cares. Life’s hard all I need is drugs and sex. And there’s nothing wrong with that. Drugs and sex are awesome. But i am a scary person without sex and drugs. The things I’ve done in the past are terrifying. I haven’t physically harmed anyone but when when i think of situations it kind of scares me how well arranged i can do something to make something play out exactly how i wanted to. I know this is psychotic talk and it may sound a bit narcissistic but narcissism really only applies when it speaks in terms of entitlement. And i have no pride. So i know ill never do something as bad as be a cult leader or a rapist. If i was gonna be i would of done it by now. The worst I’ve done is lie on twitter and pretend that i stole a guys musky towel for clout. And i got bit back very hard for that one. It was one i deserved so i wasn’t all that upset. Well… i was but. You know. As upset as i can be when i feel cornered. The values of right and wrong aren’t real, its just called reading a room. And when i tweeted that stuff i was a stupid teenager lifting at a gym and i saw a sexy huge bear and saw he was wearing a polar bear shirt. The polar bears is a swimming team in New York sitting that swims in the winter. Self explanatory name. But the synapse of seeing an anthropomorphic animal crossing with my Juvenal insecurity of wanting to be accepted in the inner circle of the friends i had. I got my phone and tweeted out the few lines of text that destroyed my life. I’ve been raped. I’ve been beat. I’ve fought. I’ve been through so much physical torture that it isn’t much to me. But what happened on January 16th destroyed me. There’s still out there online, The day after at my job i had this thing called juries where i would be judged to see if what i was doing contributed to the company. It was the first year i was working there since i was young. I was already an intern for a couple months. When i tweeted out the “i stole his musky towel while he was showering in the locker room” thing i didn’t get hit with back lash. I have terrible social anxiety so peer pressure fueled everything for me. Since i tweeted out about the sexy bear i was looking at the perverted 30 year old men or the same as me at the time stupid minors, they all encouraged me. They were all like “woof. That’s so hot you should sniff his seat and tell us how it smells~” if anyone followed me at that time before i deleted the tweets after getting canceled for it you would of seen how eager people were. But that doesn’t deflect the blame. The person who pulled the trigger is always the one most responsible. Unless you’re a child.. and i was so. I think i just need to forgive myself. I was a stupid kid who wanted to famous and wanted my favorite artists to let me into their inner circle. The amount of stuff I’ve gone through in this fandom is worse then every single time i got punched, had a gun in my face, sliced or shanked. I have a terrible fear of vomit so my ptsd is amplified by it. When i went on my phone and saw all my favorite artists unfollowing me and blocking me and avoiding me and tweet out stuff like “the world isn’t a sexual playground for your fetishes” it really struck deep. Usually when i get hit with an uncomfortable situation i analyze it enough to develop a solution that outcomes with the least amount of damage. I knew the internet. I had seen people get canceled. Canceling is a very fun thing to do for the masses. No one likes to admit it but everyone. And i mean every single person is a rioter. People love big crowds. People love feeling right. And what better place to express that on the news capital of the world? I wouldn’t lie i had my fun when it happened to others but i happened a few more times to me for other times ill either make into an animated show. But yeah so anyway. I started losing followers at a psychotic rate. I had around 3-4k at the time but i dropped to 2k. But i knew that i was in the wrong. Even though it was all those perverted adult sona guys encouraging me. I was the one who tweeted it. Just to get likes. Just to belong. I was such a stupid kid. I just wanted friends. I wanted a safe space. And the fandom was that for me at first. But it quickly became a living hell for me. I made a stupid lie post pretending that i really did do it because i knew no one would believe me if i said it for attention. They’d say “that’s exactly what a sex predator would say” and someone who’s been raped so many times that i can’t even be sad about it anymore. It was either that or saying I’m a minor. And I know that if i did…I would have no place in the fandom. So in the eyes of most of my favorite creators, I’m a towel sniffing sex predator. And being called a sex predator has always been so much worse for me then all the time I’ve been raped.
If you spent the time to read this you learned a lot about me and i love you. You may never meet me but if I’m ever in your town we can have a coffee together and we can talk for hours. I love to travel. I love to meet people. Currently I am in Georgia. But I found out Mike Lazzo retired from Williams street so I’m very depressed. I was excited to meet him or to come across him and elevator pitch to him. I have so many ideas. I need a team of people to animate and do the small stuff. Cause i can animate i can paint i can draw but I don’t have the time to do it all myself. I want to have my own company one day. My plans for tomorrow is to see how much money comes in from Patreon and ill plan accordingly. I have a friend in LA who I may be able to stay with but its so expensive.. its so expensive its psychotic. For now i want to say i love you. Anyone who listens to me or reads my work is more of a friend to me then every man i ever fuck. Sex is meaningless. Relationships are meaningless. Nothing means anything. So i need to do everything my way.
The panda you see above is a character i made to symbolize my constant state of confusion. Struggling with the balance of my psychotic evil thoughts that are just.. natural when you’re a teenager. Western society is always so eager and aggressive to push people to go out into the world even when they’re not prepared for it. People who are smart are punished with extreme standards to live by. I’m glad I didn’t try in school. If i gave it my all I’d be in Harvard right now and I’d end up like the unabomber. I just know it. So I’m glad I’ve suffered and learned. As paarthurnax from Skyrim said “what is better? To be born good or to overcome your evil nature with great effort?”
Goodbye April. Everything I didn’t say about you today i will write a story about later on. I love you very much. You have destroyed me and made me build myself back up. I am a new man and i am eager for what life throws my way. For I am greatly prepared.
-Bruce
