Muhammad Shafiq Mohd Nizam
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Chapter 370: SNL (1)
🕑 Added 2025-05-16 22:17:50 +0000 UTC[General POV]
Dressed in a green suit with a white vest, Edward stood backstage at SNL five minutes before the show started.
“Remember, let the music finish playing before you speak,” the staff member said as she fixed his microphone and adjusted his suit. “Keep direct eye contact with the camera if you can,” she added.
Edward nodded and replied, “Got it.”
He shook his hands, feeling nervous about his monologue. The cold open was currently playing, featuring an exaggerated skit about his interview with Larry King.
Kirsten Wiig portrayed Beverly, Bill Hader played Edward, and Fred Armisen took on the role of Larry King. Edward wrote Beverly in a way inspired by The Big Bang Theory, making her an incredibly cold and brutally honest woman.
Sheldon, Leonard, Penny, and even Beverly herself, who were watching the show, were in awe of how similar the character was to Beverly’s real-life personality.
“It’s like Edward has an omniscient viewpoint and can see through the fabric of reality himself,” Sheldon muttered, uncomfortable with the similarity. Sheldon looked around the room, and found himself to be alone.
The cold open usually addressed current trends and events happening in the country, and Edward’s ‘incident’ was too significant not to create a skit about it.
As the staff moved away, Vanessa stood in front of Edward. “Good luck,” she said, kissing him on the cheek.
“Thanks. I really needed that,” he replied, acting as if her kiss gave him strength. Vanessa blushed and playfully hit his chest, trying to cover her embarrassment.
“LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! EDWARD NEWGATE!!!”
As his name was announced, Edward walked confidently onto the stage. He was greeted with thunderous applause, almost drowning out the loud jazz music accompanying him as he took his place in the center.
Edward acted like a musical conductor, perfectly timing the moment the music would end. The live studio crowd cheered wildly at the sight of him, and some of the younger girls felt lightheaded. As the music stopped, Edward immediately addressed the crowd, “Thank you! Thank you so much!”
The cheers grew even more fervent when he began to speak, prompting the SNL staff to hold up a cue card instructing the crowd to calm down.
“Thank you!” Edward said to the straggler who was still cheering for him.
“I LOVE YOU, EDWARD!” a loud girlish voice shouted from afar, completely breaking SNL rules. “I love you too, random citizen!” Edward pointed at her, eliciting laughter from the audience.
“Wow, what a crowd! What an infectious energy! It’s great to be here on SNL! This is my first time hosting, even though I’ve been here twice before.” Starting sincerely, Edward's tone turned flat at the end, making it seem like he was holding a grudge against the crew.
Everyone laughed at his delivery, and Edward continued, “But I’m fine with it... totally. Today, I will be your host and also the musical guest.”
“I just finished up my world tour—”
The crowd cheered and applauded his achievement, which made Edward chuckle slightly.
“A very successful world tour. I made some headlines, became the topic of some conspiracy theories, and have yet to become a sex symbol in the United States, no matter how many times I take my shirt off on screen.”
The crowd gasped in amazement and cheered for him. “Speaking of being shirtless on screen, my new series, Psychopath Diary, just hit 300 million views on Netflix in the United States alone.”
The crowd reacted again, showing overwhelming support for everything he said without even needing the cue cards.
Edward smirked and playfully said, “Which confuses me because the subscriber numbers aren’t even half that.”
The crowd laughed again.
Edward paused to let the audience calm down before continuing, “The internet theorists— as I like to call them, which is basically just two people on social media—accused me of casting Emma Watson in the series just so I could kiss her.”
“To the two of them out there, I just have one word to say… Are you jealous?” Edward mocked, giving a teasing look at the camera, which made the entire crowd burst out laughing.
“Since I have the opportunity, I’d like to address some of the conspiracy theories about me and settle this nonsense once and for all—”
While Edward took a deep breath to continue, Keenan, the African American comedian, walked onto the stage and stood right next to him, causing him to fall silent.
Edward was startled and turned to him in confusion, asking, “What are you doing, Keenan?”
Keenan replied, “Hold on, I just need 10 seconds. Also, what’s my name?”
“Keenan?” Edward was genuinely confused.
“Again.”
“Keenan…” Edward was baffled, and even the crowd was confused. Keenan smiled in satisfaction before saying, “Thank you. Now I can go viral online.” He shook Edward’s hand and left the stage.
Edward watched Keenan leave and then said slowly, “That wasn’t in the script?”
The crowd burst out laughing, as no one had any idea what had just happened.
“Alright then. Moving on to conspiracy theory number 1.” Edward jerked his head slightly, Jim Carrey-style, which caused an intense reaction from the crowd. The list was taken directly from the internet, which made the net-sleuths excited.
Edward opened the folded paper and read the theories: “As long as you’re in the frame with Edward for 10 seconds and he says your name three times, your entertainment career will explode—OH.”
The crowd erupted with laughter, finally understanding Keenan’s intentions. Edward shook his head slightly in disappointment as he turned to look at Keenan again, which made the crowd laugh even harder.
“Second theory: ‘Edward Newgate is part of the government supersoldier program’—which isn't true at all. I mean, did I grow up in a super-secret military lab located right next to Area 51? You know, just 20 miles away? You have to get to a weird-shaped rock in the middle of the desert to find the opening, walk two more miles in the tunnels, and finally reach an elevator to find the super-secret breeding site? This one is just baseless. Wait…”
Edward pretended to realize something, which made the crowd giggle. Max and Caroline were given tickets to attend the show, and Max kept laughing at every jokes Edward made.
Caroline asked her while holding her laugh, “Why are you so happy Max? You told me before we came in that this isn’t your type of comedy.”
Max cackle and said, “I know. But when others are laughing, I feel like laughing too.”
“Third theory: ‘Edward Newgate is part horse.’” Edward’s face fell flat and he looked directly at the audience, “This may have some truth to it. I’ve been wondering the same thing, but it’s only when I look at one part of my body.”
Vanessa was laughing until she realized that many people might want him to prove it, causing her happiness to fade and be replaced with annoyance.
“Yeah, my glorious mane,” Edward said as he shook his wolf-cut hair seductively. He smirked and turned to a girl in the crowd, “What did you think I was thinking about?”
The girl he was looking at blushed and covered her face instantly. Everyone gasped in bewilderment and embarrassment, feeling like Edward could see right through them.
Taylor narrowed her eyes as she watched the show from her private jet, finally finishing up with her tour. “He’s flirting again. Now he’s doing it live on tv with a random bitch.”
In Palisades, Jay Pritchett’s house, the entire family gathered to watch Edward’s live performance.
Alex grimaced and said, “He did that on purpose, just to make us feel like we’re perverts.”
The show continued: “Fourth theory: Edward Newgate is actually an angel in disguise. Oh, this one’s pretty nice,” Edward exclaimed, flattered by the comment. “Maybe humanity is worth saving after all.”
“Okay, last one,” Edward said as the crowd melted at his charisma. Every eyes in the studio was glued on him, even the cameramen were mesmerized.
“Edward Newgate is a robot. Apparently, people can’t believe one person could achieve all the things I’ve done without being a robot.” He squinted his eyes with disbelief.
“Sure, I bought a few companies and created a few techs, but I’m not a robot. Can a robot do this?”
Dance music played in the background as Edward danced like a robot on stage, earning amazed exclamations from the audience. But he slowly became more sluggish and then stopped right in the middle of the dance.
Keenan returned with a battery, telling the audience, “Sorry, I forgot to charge him this morning.” He flipped Edward’s suit to reveal a battery pack.
The audience laughed in disbelief at the bit, and the monologue finally came to an end.
“We’ve got a great show for you tonight!” Edward said, raising both hands after the battery was placed. The audience cheered in excitement.
“The guys and I combined our brains together and prepared a special performance. So stick around! We’ll be right back!” Edward said, pointing at the TV audience. The camera pulled back as the music played, and the program cut to a commercial.
Phil, Luke, Cam, Gloria, and Haley clapped their hands, enjoying Edward’s opening monologue.
Claire smiled softly and said, “I still don't know how he does it. He has a very strong mentality to perform stand-up like that in front of millions of people, live on screen.”
Mitchell added, agreeing with Claire, “Yeah. If they pre-recorded it, maybe it would be fine—”
Jay interrupted Mitchell and Claire, saying, “It doesn’t matter if it’s pre-recorded or not. He’s done thousands of concerts in front of real people. I don’t think a short skit will bother him too much.”
Alex suddenly chortled, making everyone look at her. She held back her laughter as she said, “Oh no, Grandpa. He was definitely bothered. He was so nervous that he even butchered his grammar when we were talking in the group chat before he took the stage.”
Haley scrunched her eyebrows, feeling a little jealous of Alex’s connection with Edward.
Back in New York, Edward hugged Vanessa as he arrived backstage.
“You’re all sweaty,” Vanessa said, taken aback when she touched his shirt under his jacket.
Edward closed his eyes and placed his chin on top of Vanessa’s head. “I thought you liked sweaty people.”
“No, where did you get that idea?” she asked, pulling away and giving him a bewildered look.
“Well, yesterday when you were licking—”
Startled, Vanessa immediately cupped Edward’s mouth, not letting him finish his sentence.
An SNL cast member walked up to the duo and said, “Sorry, am I interrupting your romantic moment?”
Jason Sudeikis snickered as he teased Edward and Vanessa with a grin. Edward wanted to speak, but Vanessa had forgotten to remove her hand. He sighed, rolled his eyes, and gently moved her hand away, finally snapping Vanessa out of her dazed state.
“Yes, you’re definitely interrupting,” Edward replied to Jason.
“Ah, sorry about that. I just had to make sure you were in the right place for the musical portion of the evening. But I guess I was wrong to do my job, huh?” Jason smirked, slightly sarcastic.
“Yeah. Why are you doing interns work anyway? Did I not pay you enough for your role?” Edward pretended to be serious, but his smile betrayed him a moment later.
Jason was playing Phil in the Modern Family series Edward was producing on Netflix. Technically, he was working for Edward.
“I always need more money. Oh yeah, I’ve heard you’re looking to get into a wrestling event. Are you going to fight or just sit in the audience?” Jason asked, slightly mocking.
Vanessa widened her eyes and turned to Edward. Sighing, he told Jason, “That’s definitely something you shouldn’t say in front of her.”
Jason seemed confused at first, then realized his mistake. “Oh—OH! I’m so sorry. I just wanted to tell him that my friend knows a club. I didn’t realize it was a surprise.”
Edward turned to Vanessa and said awkwardly, “Well, surprise?”
“Did you find the ticket for me because I told you I wanted to see a wrestling match live?” Vanessa’s eyes sparkled with affection, and she didn’t seem bothered by the botched surprise at all.
In fact, her affection made Jason feel a bit uncomfortable, as if he were third-wheeling.
“Um, I’m really sorry to kill the mood twice, but there are two minutes left, and Edward still has to change his clothes,” Jason said, pulling Edward out of the locked gaze he had with his girlfriend.
As the five-minute commercial ended, Edward was ready at the center of the stage to host tonight’s show.
“Tonight, we have something special planned. But it’s not an easy road to walk to get there. Here, take a look,” Edward said, pointing at the screen.
The show cut to a pre-recorded scene of the writers' room a day before the live show started.
-SNL Writers Room Sketch-
[8:43 PM, Friday]
Colin, Josh, Kate McKinnon, and Keenan waited inside the conference room.
“Knock, knock,” Edward said happily as he greeted them and walked into the room.
“Oh hey! Edward Newgate, we're huge fans of yours,” Colin said cheerfully.
“Thanks… Who are you again?” Edward asked politely, confusion etched on his face.
Colin became awkward and replied unconfidently, “Colin—I'm Colin Josh, the head co-writer.”
The crowd snickered at his delivery. Although Colin already had some fame, he wasn’t on the same level as Seth Meyers and other SNL figures.
“Oh, I’ve never seen you before. Don’t be discouraged; I’m 17. There are a lot of things I don’t know yet,” Edward said as he sat in front of the three writers.
“But you do know how to make a great song,” Kate McKinnon said. “And you also produce new and exciting shows,” Keenan added.
Colin interjected, “Self Made, Draculein, Juvenile Revenge, Breaking Bad, Arcane, Frozen, Modern Family, The Big Bang Theory, House of Cards, Black Mirror, Queen’s Gambit…”
“And the most recent one, Psychopath Diary. Basically, in the last two years, you’ve been at the center of everything in pop culture,” Keenan commented.
The crowd cheered in amazement, and some people were truly shocked by the number of shows Edward had a hand in creating.
At Jay’s house, Alex continued listing what was left out. “Community, Suits, Amazing Spider-Man, Night Witches, Pitch Perfect—”
“Alex, shut it,” Luke said, annoyed as he wanted to focus on the skits.
“Which brings us to our problem with your sketch pitch for tomorrow,” Colin said, sounding pitiful.
Keenan and McKinnon chimed in simultaneously, “There are too many ideas.”
The crowd laughed slightly at the sudden dramatic zoom on the comedians’ faces. Edward kept his straight-man persona as he faced the bizarre pitches the writers threw at him.
“We picked the top three. First is a Frozen Let It Go song, the rap version,” Keenan pitched.
The video cut to a frozen landscape where Edward was wearing Kristoff's clothes and Keenan was dressed as Elsa, complete with a wig.
The beats from Chris Brown’s Look At Me Now played in the background as Keenan parodied Busta Rhymes' part in the song. “♫♪ Hey Anna, let me show you how to keep the ice rolling when you’re doing that thing over there, homie. ♫♪”
“♫♪ Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye! ♫♪” They sang together, then Edward shouted to the camera, rapper-style, “♫♪ Let It Go! ♫♪”
Keenan joined in with the rap, “'Cause I’m feeling like I can’t turn it back anymore, anymore, anymore. Turn away, slam the door. I don’t care what they’re going to say— the cold never bothered me anyway.”
The clip cut to Keenan biting his golden chains while Edward threw carrots to Colin, who was dressed in a reindeer outfit, like throwing money to a stripper. Kate McKinnon, as Anna, gasped upon seeing Kristoff grinding with Sven and ran away crying.
“Stop! That was…” The video cut to real life, where Edward stopped Keenan from his pitch. He broke the silence by chuckling and saying, “…pretty good.”
Every writer in the room laughed together. Colin muttered, “Yeah? You like that one? Should we proceed with that?”
“O—OR!” Kate McKinnon interjected quickly to pitch her ideas before anything was decided. “We could do a fusion of Arcane and Modern Family.”
The camera cut to a scene where Powder (Kate McKinnon) and Vi (Colin), both with blue and red wigs, fought over a t-shirt near the stairs before their mother (Keenan) walked down with a basket full of laundry.
“Powder, stop trying to take Vi’s clothes! You’re either going to cut it or draw on it with neon paint! Last time you did that, the entire laundry turned neon!”
“Ugh! I hate you!” Kate McKinnon shouted at Keenan before huffing up the stairs.
[Powder’s Commentary]
With perfect Jinx-like mannerisms—slouched, holding one arm, and looking like a mental patient—Kate said, “I didn’t mean what I said. Sometimes… there are voices in my head that make me lash out at everyone.”
[Commentary Ends]
“So, what do you think?” As the video cut back to the meeting room, Edward had a fish-hook lips expression and looked at Kate with confusion.
“That’s… fascinating,” he said flatly.
“If we’re going to do a fusion, then we can do a Breaking Bad and Frozen fusion,” Keenan said urgently.
Edward smiled again and said, “Oh, instead of Anna, Walter White was the one who knocked.”
The camera cuts again to Colin wearing Walter White attire, knocking on Jesse Pinkman’s door, played by Edward.
“♫♪ Jesse! Do you want to build a meth lab~~~? Come on, let’s go and cook~~~! ♫♪”
Edward looked at the trio, brimming with excitement. Colin, Kate and Keenan said flatly, “That’s interesting.”
“But!” Colin interjected with his idea now. It was Kate Mckinnon as Taylor S., singing a country song about a vampire while Edward lurked behind her.
Kennan pitched a skit again, this time, it was The Big Bang Theory where Colin and Kennan watched Edward easily picking up Kate McKinnon as Penny.
“Yeah, he’s too handsome to play a nerd. We didn’t think this through,” Colin as Sheldon said.
They started arguing about what idea was best for the sketch before Jason knocked on the door, face full of confusion, “Edward. What are you doing here?”
Edward too was confused, “Should I not be here? I’m listening to the sketch pitch for tomorrow.”
Jason said with a sigh, “You’re a musical guest and the host. You don’t need to join in the sketch part too. Just prepare a new song to sing for tomorrow.”
“Oh.” He exclaimed flatly before he turned to the three people, “Sorry guys.”
As he was walking out, the three followed him urgently, “Wait! Wait!”
Colin begged, “At least listen to my movie idea!”
Kennan shouted, “Mine too! I need my own Atlanta. Donald Glover isn’t the only black guy who knows how to make a show!”
Edward’s voice sounded from afar, “Do I need to write a brand new song? I’m still going to hold the copyright for the song, right?”
The video showed an empty room for a while before Andy Samberg rushed into the room, “I’m here! I’m here! Edward, you should collab with The Lonely Island–” Andy realized the room was empty and his voice turned shaky, “Mr Newgate? Where are you? The LONELY ISLAND NEEDS A COMEBACK!”
Julio Torres was finally relieved when the sketch had a positive reaction. They almost didn’t make it with filming the various skits needed for the video. Edward basically lived in the SNL building in the last two days to prepare for the show.
The sketch ended with thunderous applause. The camera immediately cuts to Edward on the stage, with a synthesizer next to him. It was time for the half-show performance.
Comments
Muhammad Shafiq Mohd Nizam
Yup lol
Leo Santos
Was that a megamind reference 🤔. Cuz I loved it lol.
Fraül
❤️❤️❤️
