Stuart Millard
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Bonus Post: Occasional Beach Diaries 2019
🕑 Added 2019-04-30 12:51:38 +0000 UTC
I've been rooting around in a few old notebooks, looking for Beach Diaries scraps I never got around to posting. Here's a selection, and hopefully I'll be able to get out more this summer and gather some new material.
A child's hat floats along the river. Some men in a boat steer towards it, but apologise to a dad because they can't reach. “We'll get you a new one,” he says, leaning over the railing.
An elderly woman moves along the prom on a walking frame, with her husband tottering along on a cane about 15 feet ahead of her. She calls out to him, moving slightly quicker and gradually catching up.
“John!” No response, he doesn't hear
At 12 feet away, “John!”
10 feet, “John!” By now she's chuckling.
8 feet, “John!”
6 feet, “John!”
Eventually, she's caught up, almost at his side, and virtually yelling right into his ear for the final – “John!” Turning to finally notice her, he says, with some bemusement, “where on earth have you been?”
An extremely Scottish man screams into, and then punches his phone.
I marvel at the incredible crudeness of a piece of graffiti chalked on the site of the shelter, depicting a jizzing cock and bollocks, except the balls are boobs. Does that mean it's cumming milk? On a lamppost nearby, someone's vandalised one of those signs telling you to pick up your dog dirts, by adding an enormous cock to the dog; so big that it snakes out of the frame, like Freddy Krueger's glove coming to get you in a 3D movie.
A young guy wearing big headphones loudly raps along to his music. As the noise of passing footfall and conversations increases in volume, so does he. Strangers exchange looks at his rhythmic volley of fucks and bitches and crooked-fingered gesticulations.
A 10-year-old boy points me out to his mother – “It's a Russell Brand lookalike!”
Overheard conversation snippets:
Mum to a small child – “It hasn't got wee wee on it!”
Panicked dad to 12-year-old girl – “Oh shit, it's grandma's birthday today! Wanna give her a call?” He takes a phone from his pocket and thrusts it at her.
Exasperated mum threatening a grizzling, heels dragging child – “Do you wanna go to the Grinch?! Well then!”
As I walk past the lifeboat station on the way home, I'm behind a mother and her small daughter, in turn behind an elderly man and his wife. The man's using a walker, and hobbling along very gingerly. The kid asks their mum – “Why is that old man so slow?”
The man says to his wife – “Did you hear that? 'why is that old man so slow?'” adding, in a louder voice so that everyone can hear, “my knees are bad, not my hearing!”
A fishing boat tootles upriver. An old fisherman sits asleep on the deck, woolly hat pulled down over his eyes like Daredevil.
Comments
The Ukulele Teacher
That's crazy - I was literally just wondering *yesterday* if there were ever going to be any more Beach Diaries! Thanks for this.
