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Draft Update 27/11/24
🕑 Added 2024-11-27 18:20:31 +0000 UTC(I seem to be getting sick and experiencing brain fog as a result, so I apologize if this chapter feels a bit off, either on sheer typo quantity or something more fundamental. I'll see what people say and revisit it later.)
Inner Sanctum Underground | 9:33 AM | β Day
'Made it'? I thought. What does she mean, 'made it'?
"...what do you mean, 'made it'?" I asked, in a rare instance of actually acting immediately on my own introspection.
"To this world. The 'promised land', so to speak." She spoke the words sardonically, and chuckled to herself after doing so, though the sound was pained. "I can't recall ever seeing you before directly, so it wasn't out of the question you'd been somehow left behind. Yet, here you are." She raised her eyebrows. "You're giving me a funny look."
Obviously I was giving her a funny look. For a second, that turn of phrase had made me question all my revised assumptions about the situation, that maybe the note really had been intended to lead me to Dilmun after all, despite that making zero sense with what I understood of the metaphysics. Part of me still wondered if she really did mean that, regardless of what she said.
"You just don't seem very surprised to see me," I commented.
"Mm, I'm afraid my physical state may be... interfering somewhat, in regards to my thinking. You'll have to pardon me... a little." Her voice had a heaving, labored quality, and the process of speaking was making her body move up and down as she breathed a little more, causing drops of blood to fall to the bucket at a slightly faster rate. "Well, that, and a little bird did tell me that you've been about recently."
" A little bird."
"A friend of mine in the Waywatch," she said. "Apparently you caused... a bit of a fuss, over in those parts."
I frowned. Just how many people here are spying on or gossiping about me?
"But yes," she continued. "This is a pleasant... surprise, nonetheless. After all this time, I'd all but given up hope that we'd meet again." Though she seemed to be struggling to stay conscious, she cleared her throat, broadening her smile. "Let's at least greet one another properly. Hello, Utsushikome."
"...hello, grandmaster," I replied cautiously.
She chuckled affectionately. "Ah, how refreshing. It's been a long time... since someone has called me that."
I was silent, staring at her uncomfortably. This reunion would have been awkward enough without the utterly bizarre setting, but factoring it in, it felt almost impossible to respond to emotionally in any sort of serious way. This woman, who had once been my mentor and who I'd admired perhaps more than anyone in the world, who had disregarded all sense of good conduct to enter into a vaguely-predatory relationship with her much younger student, who had persuaded me to go against some of my most fundamental convictions at the time by recognizing my moments of vulnerability, who throughout was very possibly using me as a proxy for my dead grandfather. Strung up mid exsanguination, like a piece of meat left to age.
What the fuck was my subconscious even supposed to do with that?
The smell in the room didn't help. Other than just the blood, her body had all the typical scents of someone on the brink of death. Putrescent sweat, the solvent-scent of the worst places in a hospital; just utterly foul.
"I must admit, though, I'd... hoped we might reunite under somewhat different circumstances." Neferuaten heaved a heavy breath, shivered, and then glanced towards Ptolema. "I assume you're the one who brought her here... Miss Rheeds?"
"Yeah," Ptolema replied aloofly. Her arms were crossed, and she wasn't even looking at the two of us, instead having wandered halfway across the warehouse to stand in what passed for the light.
"Beggars shan't be choosers, but it is perhaps a little... embarrassing," she commented. If there was any passive-aggressive intent in the statement, it wasn't audible. "Plus the lightheadedness and necrosis make it... somewhat of a challenge to concentrate."
"Uh." I tried to assess the right scope at which to address the situation. "Why exactly are you up there, grandmaster?"
"Physics, of course," she explained. "Gravity, and an absence of pressure on the feet... increases the blood flow, and of course causes muscular strain, enhancing the sensation of pain, while also making it harder to lose consciousness." She smacked her lips, so dry they sounded like sandpaper, together. "Along with stimulants, the process can supposedly drag on for more than four hours, though at the moment, it... feels as though I might get three at most."
One failure of scope. "Well-- I more meant, like, why are you doing this generally," I clarified. "Why are you bleeding to death through your toes while chained up."
"Oh." She groaned, closing her eyes for a moment as she considered. "I saw it in a crime drama," she explained. "A group of mobsters had captured a shopkeeper alleged to have tried to sell them out to the police... so they brought him to a warehouse and strung him up like this to try to make him reveal his co-conspirators. After he gave them a name... a false one, the accusation was misplaced and he was just trying to appease them by validating an existing suspicion, but that's getting into the plot... they went back on their word and left him to die." She smacked her lips again, a sickly desperation briefly crossing her features, Tantalus languishing under the fruit tree. "And I thought it was an interesting sort of death, so, I decided... I'd see what it might be like. Though the setting they built is... a tiny bit off, perhaps."
Two failures of scope. "...why, though. Why would you see that and want to experience it."
She laughed again, weaker than the last time, her throat sounding brittle and weak. "Mm, so it was true. You are a fresh instance." She looked to the side again. "Didn't you... explain all this, Miss Rheeds?"
"Not really my business to," Ptolema spoke grumpily.
"I see," Neferuaten replied. "Well, Utsushikome..." She let out a heavy breath. A few drops fell down into the bucket at once. "I suppose the apt question is... are you the type to consume a lot of pornography...?"
If Ptolema had reacted in amusement or annoyance, it might have been a funny moment-- The punchline to a joke that had been building from the moment we entered the building. Unfortunately, the chamber remained deathly silent save for the dripping and occasional metallic creak. My face flushed.
"Are you saying," I spoke slowly, "that this is some sort of fetish thing?"
This time, Neferuaten's laugh failed to produce any sound at all, creating little more than a wheeze. "Perhaps, but not in the way you're probably thinking," she answered. "You see, Utsushikome, if one consumes any amount of erotic content... one quickly comes to understand that immersion into a fantasy is part and parcel with its novelty..." She let out a sound that might have been a cough if she had more strength, her features contorting in obvious pain. "Regardless of content, the mind finds it easier to accept as real a fiction that it is unfamiliar with, and to respond accordingly... once it becomes a known thing, yet still unrealized consequentially, the artifice is revealed, the curtain pulled back on the magician's trick. And then belief in the moment is lost. Even if we can never know the thing, we can believe in its approach... yet are driven to ever-greater extremes in pursuit of that illusion." She craned her head upwards, blinking rapidly as she seemed to struggle to stay awake, and her voice became little more than a mumble. "The greatest contradiction of human nature, perhaps... is that any change to reality is so hard to accept... but in fantasy, the opposite is true. Don't you think... Utsushikome?"
"Grandmaster, I can barely understand what you're saying."
"Nn." She shivered again - or maybe it was more of a convulsion. "Excuse me. It's a little difficult to think."
"You sure you wanna be here, Su?" Ptolema asked, more reticent than considerate. "If this stuff is too weird and creepy for you, we can get outta here. I've got some other stuff to do in town, but you can head back home." She stole a glance at Neferuaten. "I'm sure you can find her somewhere more normal later."
"It''s, uh, fine," I said. I removed my glasses, rubbing my eyes. "I've spent my whole life working in medicine. After seeing you chop a piece of yourself off the other day, I'm not about to lose my nerve over something that seems a little strange." A little strange.
Ptolema grunted, seeming put-off by this response. She obviously had asked more for her sake than mine. Not that I could really blame her.
"So... judgemental, Miss Rheeds," the not-so-older woman commented. "I know it's not to your personal taste, but... you're the one who brought her here."
"Only 'cause she insisted," Ptolema retorted, jerking her thumb in my direction. "Didn't know where else you'd be on the regular."
"I'd say that you're leaking, but I remember the conversation we had at the summer festival eighteen years ago... that we're alike in that we find that sort of thing disagreeable." She gasped for air painfully. "But I wonder if it suits you... you always seem to be trying to hold yourself back, avoiding all that tastes, well, bittersweet. It worries me, a little..."
I furrowed my brow in confusion. "What do you mean, 'leaking'?" I looked to Ptolema. "What does she mean by that?"
"Don't worry about it, Su," Ptolema stated, more forcefully than she might normally.
I stared flatly. Getting pretty sick of all these ambiguous proper nouns.
"I can explain later... if you like... Utsushikome. It must be so difficult for you to understand... anything about how people behave here, if..." She trailed off - it seemed to be becoming more and more difficult for her to talk - then, after a few moments, shook her head violently. "Forgive me... lost my train of thought." She sucked in air hungrily; at this level of blood less, her lungs were probably failing. "I suppose I ought to ask... did you seek me out today just to get reacquainted, or... was there something specific you wanted?"
"Uh, actually, I was hoping to ask you a few questions," I explained. "About the conclave, and some of the stuff that happened afterward."
Her eyes drifted. There was something odd in her expression for a moment - she looked pleased, somehow, but also pensive. "Yes, that... makes sense," she muttered. "After all, for you it would still be... fresh, wouldn't it?"
I bit my lip. Well, not exactly. I guess she didn't know everything about my situation.
"Well, I'm... happy to oblige, of course," she said. Her smile had grown crooked; it was difficult to say if this was intentional or the result of her starting to go into shock.
I looked her up and down. "...forgive me, but it doesn't really seem like you can hold a conversation in this state, grandmaster."
She was silent for a little while, save for the occasional wince of pain. For a little while I wondered if she'd lost consciousness altogether, but eventually she let out a sigh. "Yes... I suppose you're right. I'm loath to end a death before I've rode it out to the end, but... even though you're the ones who tracked me down during my recreational hours... I can't help but feel I'm being somehow impolite..." She glanced upwards. "Besides, this one... is a little bit of a let down anyway."
Her gaze traced the ceiling from one end to the other, and as it passed over the chains, they snapped, crumbling to dust. Still floating in the air as if her bonds hadn't just dematerialized, she stole a glance down at the bucket - its bloody contents vanishing instantly - then defaulted her form, her body flickering for just a moment as it was reshaped before my eyes. Now her body looked truly fresh, her eyes and skin brimming with the same vitality as almost everyone else in this realm. Her clothes had changed, too - now she was clad in a sundress, bright yellow with a green shawl around the shoulders, with sandals of pale lace that one might wear to the beach.
She let out a second sigh, tinged with a mix of disappointment and relief, which then transitioned into an elongated yawn in the back half, like she'd just woken up from a good night's sleep.
"Yes, that's enough hanging around for one day." She curled her lip pensively. "Mm, forgive me. That felt a little forced."
As Neferuaten descended to the ground, the room around us began to vibrate slightly. Starting at the corners, the walls, machinery, and even the ground beneath our feet all began to dissolve into a chalky-grey substance that was somewhere between solid and liquid-- Reminiscent of plaster, perhaps. The boundaries of the chamber beyond were a stark white, directly contrasting the building's exterior, and seemed to be spherical, with the substance pooling at the bottom like an ice cream dessert left too long unfinished.
"What's happening?" I asked, glancing around.
"Just the place cleaning itself up, now that I've aborted this venture prematurely," Neferuaten explained. "A bit redundant today, admittedly, but they have their busy days where they can't afford to leave a room vacant needlessly."
The process happened quickly, with the melting floor quickly approaching the point we were standing. I panicked for a moment as I realized I ought to have been casting the Form-Levitating Arcana, but it turned out to be needless, the room still maintaining a level 'ground' for us to stand on somehow despite it appearing as empty air.
"Now then," she said, clapping her hands together. "Did you have somewhere in particular in mind to do this?"
"Uh, not really," I said.
"In that case, I had a few errands I was planning to take care of in the city center," she said. "You can accompany me, and if that's not sufficient to catch up, we'll play it by ear." She looked to Ptolema. "You said you had some errands as well, Miss Rheeds? We could all go together. A little reunion."
Ptolema ignored her altogether, instead addressing me directly. "I'm gonna go, Su," she said. "Lemme know whenever you're done with this."
I blinked, thrown off by the suddenness of this development. "Oh... okay."
And then, without further ceremony, she went directly for the door and left. Possessed by the sense of having been somehow thrown to the wolves, I looked back to Neferuaten, who was checking her resonator - pale silver - and shaking her head. "I suppose I must have touched a nerve with that assessment of her character. Well, a few lapses of social judgement with an oxygen-starved brain can't be helped, I suppose." She pocketed it as quickly as she'd taken it out, looking at me with bright eyes. "Well then. Shall we?"
I nodded slowly, wondering if I ought to have stayed in bed eating snacks.
π
As I mentioned earlier, if the City was a tower, then its capitol was situated at its apex; the only part that obeyed conventional, up-down gravity. Despite being of course ridiculous compared to anything in the real world, the vibe was nevertheless a little more subdued and professional than I'd expected. The central square (or rather squares - appropriately, it was laid out like a crossroads) was dominated by what I understood to be the headquarters of the assembly, which looked like it could plausibly have been a real government building, if somewhat oversized. It resembled a cathedral - or maybe a storybook palace - with grandiose pointed spires and flying buttresses. The roof was plated with emerald, but the rest was wrought of some indefinable and seamless material that straddled the line between wood and stone, seeming to grow out of the very tower itself. Hanging from the archway at the entrance was the same cross emblem I'd seen everywhere else.
Most of the remainder was occupied by four massive towers that appeared to have been later additions, though knowing how this place worked that was presumably an intentional choice. They looked, from left to right (with the assembly at the center), like: A stone pyramid, a modern Old Yru office building complete with hanging gardens, a giant tree with smaller wooden structures in the boughs, and finally one of those strange dark, angular towers I'd seen in Governor Cyrene's office. All of them were of course hyper-deliberate and beautiful, but do I even need to tell you that at this point?
While still quite lively, I noticed that the bustle seemed not only somewhat lessened compared to the downtown area surrounding it that I'd visited with Ptolema, but also significantly more, well, normal. While there were still no uniforms in sight and quite a few people with bizarre outfits and hair, I only spotted a couple (an anthropomorphic mouse and a skeleton) that appeared outright inhuman, with the atmosphere also being a little more subtly professional. The former made sense - it was a government district rather than where people actually hung out - but the latter a little less so. Were the kind of people working the presumably somewhat-more-serious jobs here just less inclined to morphological indulgence? That felt like a bit of an overly-simplistic explanation; in my experience, plenty of hard workers were also total weirdos.
Neferuaten noticed me looking around curiously as we landed. "First time?" she asked.
"Yeah," I said, as I looked around. "Ptolema only took me on a tour of the spiral."
She pointed in reverse order to how I'd observed them. "Ministry of Security, Ministry of Culture and the People, Ministry of Domain Planning, and Ministry of Knowledge. The first doubles up as the headquarters of the Waywatch, and the last is where I need to pay a visit to today." She folded her arms idly as we walked. "There's also technically a Ministry of Diplomacy, but it's much smaller than the others, so it shares space with the assembly proper. Not a lot of concern for cooperation when you're the Hegemonic Domain, I suppose."
"Why are they all so different?"
"A relic from the days when the Domain was less centralized, I believe. They weren't always 'ministries', but mere organizations of citizens with different goals regarding the improvement of the Domain. No one expected the Magilum to implode so badly and the Crossroads to balloon in popularity so suddenly, so much of the social foundations here are a little slapdash." She shrugged. "Or so I've heard. I've never given up on the Keep since its hegemony, so it's all just hearsay to me."
I scratched my head, nodding as I continued to look around. Something about this place reminded me of Itan's city center of all places, though I couldn't put my finger on why, exactly. "Not many governmental departments, for a society that's so old."
"Well, people here don't have a lot of concerns. No need for the state to worry about food, healthcare, education. All circuses and no bread, so to speak."
I nodded, then realized with some concern that it had taken all of five minutes to slip into the old dynamic of me casually asking questions and her explaining things in her standard, friendly-casual way. With Ptolema that was one thing, but with Neferuaten, it felt dangerous. Even if I was here to question her, I needed to keep my guard up and remember the situation. This was not 1409, and even if the people in this realm seemed in some ways unchanging, I had changed.
"...why are you going to the Ministry of Knowledge?" I asked.
"To ask if they have a particular astronomy book, one concerning a relatively undocumented region of the Reflection," she explained. "It also functions as a library, and a colleague who's blacklisted from the Domain wanted me to see if they still had a copy."
I squinted. "Isn't the Keep devoted to storing knowledge? Why would they have a copy that wouldn't be here?"
She smiled, unable - or unwilling - to wholly disguise the fact that she believed this to be a stupid question. "There have been many books written here, Su. It's easy for one or two to slip through the cracks."
I didn't understand the extent of the truth of this statement until a few minutes later, once we'd entered the pyramid. I'd expected a lot of books, but I suppose it should have been obvious it wouldn't be that type of library, being something run for utilitarian governmental reasons rather than attempting to cultivate some a vibe like Nora's place had been. There weren't even visible data centers on the inside, since apparently that could be stored on the 7 non-earthly dimensions of the 10 comprising prop, resulting in an absolutely ludicrous level of storage.
Instead, the interior was actually quite boring and modern (relatively speaking; many of the specific design flairs were still inscrutable to me), save for a neat transparent elevator at the center of the pyramid. Neferuaten made her request at the front desk, they'd told her to wait 15-30 minutes while they reviewed the archives, which seemed like an unreasonable amount of time for so sophisticated a facility until she mentioned that they had over 40 trillion books. Forty trillion. 40,000,000,000,000.
"There's everything across conventional human history, of course," she told me as we sat on the waiting bench in the corner of the facility's central chamber - no one even used the elevator, they just flew up and down themselves, sure it was cool but why did they have it? - "but most of them were written here. When you give people little to do and abundant access to information, books accumulate naturally, like a sort of mold." She chuckled to herself. "What they have here isn't anything approaching the true figure, of course-- The archive in the Keep is more than twice as large. But backups of information on such a scale are difficult to maintain. Certain texts are always prioritized over others, and every time a great Domain falls, information is lost. So inevitably, all notable Domains - even at the fringe - have some writings that can be found nowhere else." She shook her head. "It's funny. Even here, we're not fully free from the forces of entropy."
I increasingly zoned out during the explanation, staring at the other people milling about the institution, chatting and zipping between the offices. I'd been taken aback by the figure, but quickly that shock was fading. It was the same story with every part of Dilmun. Infinite everything, backed up forever, stretching into a forgotten history. Why had I even been surprised? It was the same answer I'd heard explain other things several times already.
It felt, strange as it may seem to say, dull. In the real world, questions had answers. Why was the Tower of Asphodel there? Because the Ironworker's built it. Who were the Ironworkers? Oh, these were their names. Where did they come from? The were scholars under the League of Empires and the Princes. Where had they come from? The ancient nations; Babylon, Tianchao, Wu, Aegyptus, Luwia, all the rest. Things meant things, had origins! Hearing about Dilmun was like falling down a bottomless pit, and just like when Ptolema had recounted the fall of the Magilum, there were no stakes. It was all just fluff, musical chairs, objects bumping into one another.
Maybe that was an overreaction, and what was really putting me off was having Neferuaten be the one to explain it to me. Forcing any sentimentality out of my mind, I was suddenly gripped by an inability to understand what I'd ever found so infatuating about her. All she ever did was ramble on about things in the same coy, I'm-so-humble-but-also-so-smart tone, making stupid little jokes and never saying anything decisively. This was the kind of way assholes who wanted to come across sophisticated and intelligent talked while disguising their complete lack of communication skills.
I should know, I mused. I've been doing it for over a century.
Eventually, Neferuaten seemed to pick up on my attitude, her smile fading a little. "You know, you seem somewhat aloof, Utsushikome."
"I suppose."
"It's painful to see you so cold," she spoke, not actually sounding offended, though who knew if this was a double bluff in the cockles of her heart, and she was actually devastated. "The last time I remember you, we were both quite close, weren't we?"
"It's been a long time since then, grandmaster," I told her bluntly, though in a quiet voice.
She nodded a few times, then turned away, leaning back against the bench. "I heard that you're an autospective dreamer."
I frowned. "You knew about that?"
She nodded.
"Why did you assume things would still be 'fresh' for me back in the Hall of Death, then?" I asked suspiciously.
"'Fresh' is something of a relative term," she explained casually. "No matter how long you've been Dreaming for, I assure you it's been quite a bit longer for me."
"You're not really acting like it."
She chuckled. "Well, you know me. I've never been one to get overly sentimental."
There it was again. Obviously this statement was a lie; Neferuaten was an insanely sentimental person. Whether the subject was my grandfather, politics, or what she had for breakfast that morning, she constantly talked about the past in this wistful, longing tone. Her entire career had been practically founded on sentimentality about her family! So the sentence could only be taken as a self-deprecating joke, even though what it actually was was a way to dodge the question that was difficult to call out without coming across as melodramatic.
Again, humble-but-smart, conveying nothing, superficially warm and meaningful but frustrating any actual communication. This was how it always was with her, in retrospect.
"Perhaps life here does engender a certain sense of emotional muteness," she continued, after I was silent for several moments. "Rest assured, though, I am pleased to see you." She smirked. "I wouldn't have dropped that death for just anyone, you know."
I continued to remain silent, staring ahead. The elevator just kept going up and down. Up and down. Even though no one was ever on it. The elevator was Sisyphus, but who was Hades? The workers? Dilmun itself? Me?
"Seriously, though," she further continued. "I do feel a little unsure of what to make of the fact that you wanted to question me, but have yet to ask any questions." She clapped her hands together in her lap. "I'm sure that countless things could have happened in the Reflection to complicate our relationship, so I can't begrudge you if that's making this more uncomfortable than you'd anticipated, or else if you were seeking some manner of reckoning that now seems unappealing in the atmosphere of the moment." She arched an eyebrow, but didn't actually look at me. "Still, though, you ought to give me something to work with."
I wanted to scoff. Complicate our relationship. As if it wasn't 'complicated' right from the outset.
"I just don't know how to talk to you at all," I told her honestly.
"Why?"
"I--" I hesitated, breathing through my nose. "I can't answer that for the same reason. Too much stuff has happened, I've changed too much, and this is all too strange."
She nodded a few times, then responded quite quickly. "Well, don't, then."
I blinked. "Don't what? Don't talk to you?" For a moment, I was worried I'd actually gone too far and soured her as a source of information.
"No, just don't figure out a way," she clarified. "Don't bother establishing an interpersonal context for the conversation. Just ask me the questions, as if you were talking to a logic engine."
I glanced at her for a moment. What was she expecting from me in response to this? To laugh, diffusing the tension? To say 'that's stupid, we can't possibly communicate anything that way', getting into a tangent about the nature of communication as something inherently emotionally-weighted, resulted in me talking about my feelings and ultimately diffusing the tension?
I called her bluff. "Okay," I said. "Why were you and the rest of the Order trying to fake your deaths?"
She laughed. Not especially loudly, but for more than ten seconds. The lady at the desk gave us a funny look.
"In the Remaining World there was a secret organization of arcanists who had experienced assimilation failure," Neferuaten answered casually. "For reasons that I doubt are relevant to your question, your grandfather - a member of said group - seized control of the Order on their behalf two-and-a-half centuries before we came here-- That's when the original sanctuary was destroyed, in case you were wondering." She raised a fist to her mouth, softly clearing her throat. "Most of the other members of the council were also members at one point, save for myself and Zeno of Apocyrion. In any case, his commitment to their ideals and broader goals, and by extension our commitment, was limited, and eventually the relationship became strained to the point of crisis. After he contracted dementia, it was hoped that expelling him would resolve the situation, but at that point matters had already spiraled out of control. Additionally, the Oathguard had become aware of our relationship to said organization, and we'd started to feel the walls closing in around us, so to speak. There were some other motives involved too, but nevertheless Linos proposed the plan on that basis, and one thing led to another."
This information entered my brain and, combined with my frame of mind, instantly clogged the pipes. There was so much to unpack there, I didn't even know where to start. Secret organization-- Took over the Order-- So was Hamilcar-- I-- "...is this real?" I asked. "Are you doing some kind of bit?"
"I'm a ride-or-die sort of person, Utsushikome," she answered. "I don't do bits. Though-- There was a false premise to your question, which is asking why I planned to fake my own death. To be clear, I did not. Even ostensibly, I was not to be involved beyond acting as an accomplice and facilitator."
"But I... you..."
"Just ask whatever comes to mind first," she said with a small smile. "We have plenty of time. I won't cut you down if you need to digress."
"You did fake your death," I managed. "If not in the loop, then in the real world. Your body was found alongside them at the academy."
Neferuaten furrowed her brow. "Mm, that sounds correct, from the last time I looked into it in the Reflection." She shook her head. "I can't recall all the specifics in this moment, but if you found my corpse, I assure you it was entirely genuine. I do remember that most of the others - Anna, Zeno, Linos, even Durvasa perhaps - already intended to eliminate me as an non-compliant component of their plan, and that was when the date was set for the conclave." She sighed. "Yes, that sounds correct. They probably murdered me while fabricating the rest of the scenario."
"I-- And you would just let them?"
"Well, I'd like to imagine I put up a bit of a fight," she spoke dryly. "But there's only so much you can do for a surprise attack against a half-dozen people when your heart isn't it."
"Why wouldn't your heart be in it?"
She raised her eyebrows. "I mean," she raised her hands, then let them flop back down, "isn't that obvious?"
I stared at her for a few more moments, still stupefied, before I quickly remembered the question I'd come here to ask her to begin with. I was starting to feel a little bit frantic, although I still wasn't sure these were real answers. "You think you let it happen."
"Well, again, not let it happen," she corrected. "More that I was likely resigned to the outcome."
"Because of this place?" I asked, remembering my theory. "Because you thought you'd be here, as well?"
"That, and a combination of total despair otherwise," she said, with a small smile. "Again, though. Only a guess."
I stared at her, my face and mind both feeling blank.
"Come on, no need to get hung up on the specifics of my mental state," she urged. "Keep firing away. Stream of consciousness. Clean the mess up later."
"Right." I looked at her, wary. "...in my loop, you went to visit the Nittaimalaru in the middle of the night, before everything went wrong. What were you doing there, or intending to do there? Did you-- Are you responsible for all of this? Did you make contact with the entropic intelligence? Did you create Dilmun?"
Neferuaten looked confused. "Dilmun? You mean the historical region on the gulf coast?"
"I-Ignore that part of the question," I insisted.
She hummed to herself. "That's a bit more of a tricky inquiry, Utsushikome. In this case not because your premises are wrong, but rather that they're not linked in quite the way you seem to be implying." She clicked her tongue. "But in the spirit of the exercise, I suppose I ought to round towards the decisive, so: Yes."
My eyes boggled. "Yes?"
"Yes," she affirmed. "On the morning of the 30th of April, I disobeyed the consensus of the rest of the discretionary council, broke into the structure of the Everblossom and Apega in a way that I imagined would be less likely to be surveilled in the present tense, and manually activated it using a component that I'd had Jia Fang deliver the Order on the afternoon previous." She spoke the words with a hint of both pride and reluctant shame, like she was admitting to inventing a method to cheat on a test. "I did this with the intent of realizing the potential of your grandfather's research, and granting humanity eternal life. Because I was confident it would work, but mostly because I had particularly nothing left to lose."
There were a lot of questions raised by those last couple of remarks, but I forged ahead. "So you set the conditions, or rather demands, given by the Apega? The ones that caused the time loop?"
She chuckled. "You have such interestingly specific pieces of knowledge about all this."
"Please just answer me, grandmaster."
She shrugged. "I can't. Because I don't remember the real version of the weekend beyond that point. Only one loop, presumably like you, in which I attempted it."
"But did you plan to?"
"Well, that goes back to that comment about your premises," Neferuaten explained. "It's true that I wanted to contact the intelligence. And it's true that I had a result in mind. But..." She gestured her hand in a circle. "It would have been impossible for me to make contact myself. That's not how it works-- To cut a very long story short, the only way your grandfather and I discovered to communicate with the entity was to speak its own language."
I frowned. "What language?"
She smirked. "What do you think?"
