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✨ 🍵 Spilling Tea 🍵 ✨ [Why Romantic Love is Often Disappointing] [Monthly Newsletter] [March 2021]
🕑 Added 2021-03-11 20:38:18 +0000 UTCToday's topic: Why Romantic Love is Often Disappointing [In My Opinion]
So, in my humble opinion, love is a lot more complicated than we’re led to believe.
Love has many different forms, states, and expressions. It is not simply unconditional acceptance or support or adoration. Love, at its core, is a choice. An emotional, heavy choice. And, in my opinion, that’s partly why love, specifically romantic love, is often a little disappointing.
So, love is a choice. Choices are all about making decisions, taking risks, and gambling on a good outcome. However, the choices we make are not guaranteed, especially when it comes to the people we chose to share our lives with.
So, couldn’t this be said for any type of love? Parental, familial, friendships? Well, yes, those too, come with their own risks, vulnerabilities, and potential for disappointment. However, I believe romantic love is set apart from the others in a very specific way. Romantic love is the most conditional form of love. This is not a criticism, but rather just my own personal observation. Romantic love is dependent on more factors, compromises, and conditions than any other type of love. And therefore, perhaps, is the most fragile of all the loves.
Do you need to be attracted to your friend for them to be your friend? Does your parent need to want the same things as you? Does your sister have to be faithful to her partner in order for you to love her? Probably, not. If healthy, parental, familial, and friendship relationships are far less dependent on outside factors.
The most unconditional love usual comes from parents, I should preface this by saying, from good parents. Good parents don’t care how attractive you are, what you earn, or how you live your life, so long as you are alive and contented. This, in my opinion, is simply not as possible with romantic love. The conditions for each romantic relationship will be different: some people value monogamy, others not so much, some treasure physical attraction, whilst others not so much. The conditions are not one size fits all, but the conditions are still in place. Simply put, the basis of most romantic relationships is: “treat me in this certain way and we’ll stay together”.
Comparatively to the other loves, this can leave a lot to be desired. Chances are, even if you screw up big time, your parents will still stand by you. Chances are, even if it turns out you’re a cheat or a liar or even a criminal, your family will still stand by you. Chances are, if you let your partner down, in a real, impactful way, they may not stay with you. And in all honesty, I think it makes perfect sense.
Partners play a very distinct role in our lives. Partners are, in an ideal sense, our counterpart. Our equal, our number two, our first and most immediate ally. They are the person who joins us in our goals, wants, and journeys. They are, in the most pragmatic sense, the other half of our team. So, what happens, if the other half of our team seriously lets us down? Well, usually, we consider whether or not they’re the right person to be on our team at all. We evaluate their place in our lives, in our journeys, in our finite time on earth. We calculate what they bring to the table, we examine them as an overall product. And, if they come up short, we often cut them off and start again. Ultimately, we find someone more suitable. Ultimately, we are all romantically conditional.
However, even with all that being said, I still believe romantic relationships are worth said conditions. Let’s face it: people, even with the very best of intentions, are not “The Ideal”. We make mistakes, we fumble, we cave, we let ourselves and each other down. I think part of growing up is accepting that no one can live up to the idea of our “perfect other half”. This is not to say that we should accept abusive or cruel behaviour, but rather, we should empathise that everyone, even the best of us, cannot be “The Ideal”. We are a choice, we have benefits, we have cons, and we most certainly come with risks. And perhaps that’s why we’re best looked at as an overall product, an overall choice.
In conclusion, romantic love is not self-sustainable. It cannot be achieved then left unattended. It is not easy or unconditional, but it is, very much, achievable. So, if we want to make the most of romance, maybe we should tend to our relationships as if they were gardens: work the land, whether the storms, and treasure the harvests we make happen.
As always, I really appreciate that life isn't one size fits all. These are just my thoughts, I hope they can be of some use to you.
Best wishes,
Tea
Comments
Bear
Tea, the ancient Greeks split their descriptions of love along the same lines and I often find myself saddened by the english's use of one overarching word to cover them all. The lack of clarity makes expressing the feelings problematic, particularly where one person wants more and the other is expressing a more platonic form. I also believe that one of the major differences between generations past and current is the expectations and the personal commitment placed in relationships, particularly marriage. Without the commitment of staying together and working through the tough times, the shortening lengths of marriages is inevitable. Sad, but supported by the situation...
Wes H
Bleh, love. I just use asmr to replace it
Jared Chinchello
Once again, Tea goin' oops upside our heads with the wisdom stick.
Robuste Bonsai
This isnt related but your twitter and youtube seem to be missing. Everything okay?
Trooper118
The garden comparison is a really good way to put it! As someone who has been in a few romantic relationships it really was like that.
Black.Devil
Yes you do need attraction to be someone friend but romantic attention may be different but they both need attention
Agent M
Great article T.C, keep doing the damn thing ⚡
DrTaverner
It has always bothered me that people in happy, comfortable, loving relationships still have what I consider a strange list of unforgivable "sins." I've seen couples break up over an infidelity. Years of being together and they cannot forgive a moment's weakness? Honestly I really feel the same way towards partners, lovers, friends, and family. If the relationship turns abusive, it's time to pull back, or break off altogether. Abusive friend, parent, sibling, partner, it doesn't matter. Otherwise, if your love is conditional on the Other behaving only the way YOU want them to, then you're loving a projection, an imaginary person you place upon the other, and nobody can ever live up to an ideal you've invented in your mind. If you love, love a person flaws and all, and know that love is an INFINITE resource. Love has no limits, and loving a person does not take love away from anyone else. Tell your friends you love them! Tell your favourite celebs that you love them. Speak your love, don't hide it, it should never be embarassing to love. And real love requires nothing in return.
Dalin
I feel you on all of this Tea. No one is perfect or ever can be no matter how good of a person they are so we all take our chances with love. No one is capable of causing no amount of hurt throughout their life even to people they care about, but if you're with someone who causes so little hurt that it practically doesn't exist, those are people who are worth loving and hurting for.
NotMyName
Beautifully articulated, thank you very much for the read. Factoring in conscious choice and work seems much more realistic than finding "the one" who makes life a breeze. IDK if that's an impossibility, but probably an implausibility. Also, this reminds me of that one pop song where the singer promises to love the listener "Unconditionally". I never really bought that. Or the idea of unconditional support in general :/.
cpt_yakitori
Romantic relationships are, as you say, indeed different from other relationships. I also think when one feels lonely despite being surrounded, they feel as if they mis a certain type of relationship. A missing parent, a missing sibling or a missing partner. Also, perhaps it's noteworthy that healthy two-way communication is key in any type of relationship. If you don't talk clearly what you want out of this deal, you leave the other half of your team in the dark. That's a losing team, chief.
Jeremy Knight
Even though I've never been in a relationship I know that romantic love is different from family and friendship love. I always preferred friends to lovers because it seems to be the easiest to get into because you already know that person so you don't have to prove yourself that you're worthy of spending time with.
AudioFreak
You make perfect sense, Tea. Of course it doesn't make for a good movie, which is part of the problem today. Other than our parents relationship, we are being taught by Hollywood what relationships should be like. But most of those aren't even close to being real. Thanks for the dose of reality!
Razgriz770
Thanks for this TEA-Sama 💞💫💞💫✨✨
SeanH
Oh God, I'm a terrible gardener!! 😱
Arvel
in my opinion you are 100% on point Tea ^^ romance in relationships often dies out if we don't work on it. wether that's alone of with our partner. but if the conditions are met, and keep caring about another, it'll make for the best time of our lives. even if those times are short, we'll cherish them in our heart
C. T. Meraki
Eloquently put, Tea. In my experience, the line between fantasy/expectation and reality is often unclear regarding romantic love, as some deeper expectations are either imbalanced, improperly communicated, or subconsciously held. I’ve found a (paraphrased in my own words) idea presented in The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck especially relevant regarding romantic love, “Don’t pursue the idea of an endpoint at which there is no more struggle, pursue that which makes the struggles worth enduring to preserve.”
Marko
I lowkey expected this to be something along the lines of how romance or love is no more cause i keep hearing people say that, but boy was i wrong. This was well put and it makes sense, there is no ideal partner cause life ain't a hollywood movie. Plus, the best things in life are the ones that you work for to attain and keep. This Tea was well spilled, but that was a brand new persian rug i'll have you know
TeacupAudio
Perhaps I didn't communicate my meaning well. I actually meant that if someone seriously lets you down: they cheat on you, they steal money from you, they betray you, then you consider breaking it off with them. I apologise if that wasn't clear. Ultimately, we all have flaws, and we all let each other down in small and sometimes medium ways, but for me, the big stuff, would make me consider ending a romantic relationship. Again, I apologise if that wasn't made clear :)
EXNONI
I agree that love is a choice, the hard part is that it requires to match two people's choices, just one isn't enough.
Neil Winter
The comparison to cutting someone from the team that doesn't meet your expectations is a bit harsh, but I can understand where you're coming from. The decision to love a person is a very introspective and emotional one. You've got to learn to listen to your gut feeling
TeacupAudio
I respect your opinion, but that has not been the case for me. But that doesn't mean my way is the only way. These are just my thoughts and opinions. Your truth might be completely different to mine. Either way, have a wonderful day :)
J.T. Packer
Yeah, Love is a choice. I just wish I'd be chosen.
Jackson
I absolutely don't think love is a choice. The choice could be to accept it vs repressing it for instance but it starts with a spark, some spontaneous drive that can't be turned off and on consciously
Darkai
Busy rn but will read when I can, also thanks Tea for being you
June
Thank you
