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✨ 🍵 Spilling Tea 🍵 ✨ [Why It's More Than Okay Not to Want Kids] [Monthly Newsletter] [May 2021]
🕑 Added 2021-05-06 14:31:22 +0000 UTCToday's topic: Why It's More Than Okay Not to Want Kids [In My Opinion]
So, in my humble opinion, children are often portrayed unfairly. They’re placed at the peak of Happiness Mountain, just below Fulfilling Your Biological Destiny, right next to Married With a Dog And a White Picket Fence. They are social status and proof of “Look! You fuckers! I did it! My DNA is passed on! I AM NOT A FAILURE!”
And yeah, that’s a lot of pressure. And I can’t help but feel we’re doing kids dirty by keeping that up.
DISCLAIMER:
I feel at this point I should clarify that I am in no way trying to discourage anyone from having children. For all the work and exhaustion and emotional heartache these fuckers bring to the table, kids really can be the most amazing choice of our lives. They can help us to grow, expand our horizons, and ultimately just make us better, more patient people. So, if anyone is looking for an extremist campaign to get everyone to stop reproducing, sorry, that’s not for sale here. What I am offering, as the title suggests, is a look at why not having kids is totally understandable and actually pretty cool.
So, here we go.
Children Do Not Ensure Happiness:
As I was saying above, children really do get the pedestal treatment. They’re not just scared little squish bundles who shit themselves, oh no! “They’re these amazing, life-changing beings that elevate us to a higher plane of existence”. And whilst I’m sure there are many people who feel that to be true, (and I am in no way trying to take away from that), I think we need to acknowledge that won’t be the same for everyone. Heck, you need only look at the number of people who have kids and don’t rise to the occasion.
Children are not just a blessing, they are a life, and ultimately a whole lot of work. More than anything, they are the biggest responsibility a person could ever have. Once you have a child, your life is no longer about you. Your life, your whole purpose is to care for and raise that child. It is all consuming, exhausting, and often completely overwhelming. It is probably one of the hardest, most rewarding jobs in the world, and whilst many people prove time and time again that they are up to the job, that doesn’t mean it is the only way to achieve a happy, fulfilled life. Not by a long shot.
Kids don’t ensure anything, it’s us that ensures what happens. So, have kids, don’t have kids, let’s just make sure we take ownership of our lives and contentment. It’s up to us to make us happy, not anybody else.
Live Your Own Way:
There’s often this idea that if we don’t have children we haven’t really grown up. We haven’t passed on our biology, haven’t taught the next generation, haven’t come full circle in life. And that, couldn’t be further from the truth. Yes, at our most basic, genetic level, animals are here to reproduce, get their babies to adulthood, and then die. But, really, I think we’ve surpassed that merry little loop. We don’t live simple, survivalist lives. We live big, fat, complicated ones, full of diversity and alternative options. We live on a much grander scale - we live for ourselves - not our biology.
I can say sincerely that I wouldn’t have survived a society that expected a conventional path for me. I have no desire to be a housewife, a homemaker, or (at this point) a mother. And I don’t feel sad or less than for not wanting those things. What does sometimes make me sad is the implication from strangers, acquaintances, even friends and family that I might be “missing out”. I don’t need children to make me a woman, I don’t need to be a housewife to feel secure in my marriage - I am exactly who I am suppose to be. And if I ever decide to have children, it won’t be that I’ve seen the light or come to my senses, it’ll be because I feel I could do justice to being somebody’s mom. Because, in my opinion, a good parent doesn’t have kids to ensure their own happiness, but rather the happiness of the life they create.
So, if I could advise anyone who thinks they might not want kids, I’d say this - don’t be scared of doing what’s best for you. Only you have to deal with your choices. If you have kids, great, but have them because you feel it’s right for you, not for fear of “missing out” or being “left behind”. There’s a million things we won’t do in our lives, that doesn’t mean we didn’t lead a good life - it just means there were other things we preferred to do.
Please, don’t be afraid of being different. A life spent going your own way, is much better than one being pulled along by others. Take agency over yourself, and know that whatever you decide, you really can carve out a well-lived life.
And That’s Pretty Much It:
I don’t really have that much more to say on this topic, simply because I feel it’s not that complicated of a matter (at least, not for me).
Have kids, don’t have kids, get married, don’t get married, eat cheese at every possible avenue, lead a dull, dreadful existence - it's entirely up to you.
Kids are most definitely not for everyone, whether that be through lack of capability or sheer choice. Ultimately, a person’s life can be as meaningful without children as with. So, sincerely, you do you.
As always, I really appreciate that life isn't one size fits all. These are just my thoughts, I hope they can be of some use to you.
Best wishes,
Tea
Comments
CM
The majority of adults that want kids, is because. ........................
Coby-O
I agree, and it makes me feel better about this because my mom constantly pressures me and my brother to have kids specifically a girl when the topic comes up. I honestly don’t feel that I should have kids and may not have them at all. The closest thing to kids I have are dogs and from my experience and observation pets are a lot better. Unlike kids, they won’t back talk you, cost nearly as much as kids, and don’t go to school or college which you have to pay. That turned into a small rant but my point at the very beginning stands. It makes me feel better and more relaxed that I am not the only one who doesn’t want kids.
Avavago
Well said Tea. I'm tired of my family telling me that I'll change my mind into wanting kids (which I don't). Tbh I would be a crappy mother plus I want to live my life and not be held back by a sack of cells.
Elam
This is a much different take on the discussion of having kids that I've ever read, and really, it was refreshing. I personally look forward to raising children, but this really helps put things in perspective for me without it being extreme one way or the other. Thanks for the thought provoking post!
kaethis
Very insightful, regardless whether or not I agree. Personally, my goal has been to impregnate as many women I can in attempt to produce as many offspring as possible (see: "r-type reproductive strategy") with lots of genetic variability. This ensures the human gene pool is saturated with my DNA and thoroughly corrupted by my seed. Although I, myself, will surely be forgotten shortly after I perish, my genes will carry on my legacy, infecting this godforsaken Earth for generations. Possibly forever. My meme will die -- and rightly so -- but my gene is immortal. As it should be.
Robin
While I find this kind of a no brainer, it is stil nice to hear for those that don`t want children. I realized after you said it that, yeah, children are put on a pedestal.. I also believe people should decide for themselves if they want kids or not.
Image Incorporated
I mean my two cents on kids is that it incentivized people to (in my opinion) fulfill the biggest meaning in life, which is responsibility. Because people always want to say the meaning of life is just do whatever you want. But to me that’s only half of it. The other half would be to work towards it, where you give yourself some responsibility in achieving what you want. Because what you want, should at least be good for you. You should never have what you want turn you into someone that you can’t tolerate. Because that’s how you get self esteem issues and many problems. And people go to themselves “why should I feel good about myself, if I’m easily hurt, and easily overwhelmed.” Basically have what you want turn you into someone that you can tolerate. Because people look at themselves like they would another person. Where you have judgements on that person, and their character. And with children, as you said, is the biggest responsibility you can have. And that’s usually (what I can guess) why society holds kids on a pedestal, not because the mere presence of kids is a blessing, but rather what it took to raise up the kid right. because it is such a big responsibility, where it demands that people rise to the occasion. And when it’s all said and done, they can look back and have this big sense of achievement of “ I did that”. Of course kids isn’t for everyone as it is it’s own special load to carry. Because in life you can have what you want, but what makes what you want worthwhile? Because if what you want comes with no load to carry, little to no effort to achieve, then is it worth having to begin with?
David Frey
One of the reasons I'm not married is because at the time of getting engaged, my girlfriend wanted kids and we were 20. We were partying at least once a month (occasionally every weekend), and if we were going to be married, we were going to have to give up that lifestyle. I knew I liked the lifestyle we had and didn't think kids would be great to bring up in that situation, she didn't appreciate that point of view, so we broke up after that. Granted, now that I'm older, would I mind if I ended up with stepkids? No. But if this were 15 years ago, I'd have felt differently cause I still didn't have anything to worry about except a dog and myself. If you want kids, fine, as long as you raise them right. Otherwise, if you don't, who am I to judge?
Camilo Iribarren
Love the wisdom you placed here. Very true and I humbly take it to heart
Sheridan Dancer
my takeaway is to do me and eat lots of cheese. But in all seriousness a wonderful little tea spill.
Kit Riley
Thank you! 😊
TeacupAudio
The facts present here are ASTOUNDING!
Kit Riley
Thank you so much, Tea! 😭 I swear, this resonated with my soul. I'd also like to add that romanticizing children disregards every other relationship in people's lives. Can a person's family, friends and significant other(s) not be enough? Family isn't just there to raise us until we can be independent, friends aren't some temporary substitute to fill some hole in our hearts and our significant others aren't just sperm donors/incubators on legs. Thinking of a child being the only truly important person or relationship a person will have in their life really undersells our other relationships which can be just as meaningful.
Kit Riley
Yeah, I can relate. It's the same with me. I've never wanted to be a parent for the longest time and despite what others might think or even want, I don't think that's going to change at this point. Besides, I have too many goals in mind. And yeah, the dating world sucks for people like us. 😅
The Jolly Dane
There are also times when having kids isn't a choice you get to make. Whether it's from societal pressure, religious beliefs, uneducated expectations or coming from very, very unhealthy environments, some people have children forced into their lives, and they are NOT equipped to deal with that kind of responsibility, and both parents and child suffer for it. Ideally it should only be people who recognize the work and selflessness that goes into child rearing that actually have kids, but for so many unfortunate reasons, that's far from always the case
AudioFreak
Agree 100%. And for those that wanted or were expected to have children, but don't because life threw us a curve ball, it's okay, too. We have to take what life throws at us and be able to adapt to it. There are plenty of things to still enjoy out there and put our energies towards.
June
Thank you
peanutbutterxxx
Not all people have the ability to have a child and to have a father son of a bitch like mine would have preferred not to be born. And you are absolutely right, having a child is not the pinnacle of happiness.
sa r dran 24
I Appreciate you talking about this topic. 🤙❤️
Meadiocracy
Thank you! I've held firm that I don't want kids since I was 16. Everyone one I knew for the longest would say you'll meet the right girl and you'll change your mind. Took awhile but most have realized I was serious, my mom oddly enough was the first to back me after awhile. Does make it a bit harder in the dating world tho.
