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š To Clarify š [Personal Tea]
🕑 Added 2021-10-30 19:17:30 +0000 UTCHey Teacups -
I uploaded a post a day or two ago called āunpopular opinion: love should not be unconditionalā. Since then Iāve gotten a lot of interesting responses, and a few of them just made me want to clarify the intention behind the original post.
So, here I go. A vast majority of people felt that I made a reasonable argument for having healthy conditions to loving someone or being in a relationship (regardless of the type of relationship: family, friends, partners, etc). However, there were a few people who felt that my stance was either āunkindā or simply putting an unfair expectation on āunconditional loveā. After all, what is love but the conscious choice to care for someone, and in the case of āunconditional loveā, regardless of what they do or how they behave.
And to those few people, I have some further thoughts Iād like to share.
I think the trouble with tackling the subject of "unconditional love" is that a lot of people can't help but feel triggered by it. Most of us love the idea of unconditional love and why wouldn't we? "It doesn't matter what I do and you'll still love me?" Sweet!
And yeah, that sounds great. But the thing is, most of us think of "it doesn't matter what I do" as forgivable, reasonable things: occasionally being rude, forgetting date night, not always making enough time for our partner.
The problem is that that same rhetoric is used by abusers to justify unacceptable behaviour with their partners. "Well, if you love me, you'll forgive me", "hate the sin, not the sinner", "you said you'd love me no matter what".
When I say that I think love should be conditional, I suppose people might feel I'm being unkind or unaccepting of human flaws. But that's just not the case. The best people in the world have flaws. But there's a huge difference between flaws and abuse. And a lot of domestic violence thrives because abusers use the narrative of "it was just a mistake", "you're just so sensitive", "I can only be better if you stay with me". Putting all the responsibility of their actions and the outcome of the relationship onto the abused party. Simply put - āwell, love is supposed to be unconditionalā.
I'm not a psychologist or a doctor, but I am someone who's grown-up in a domestic violence situation. Domestic violence has not decreased over the last twenty years, it has risen. People are beaten, raped, humiliated daily by someone who claims to love them "unconditionally". And yes, it's tempting for us as people who might never have been in said domestic violence situations to think "but everyone knows that that kind of behaviour isn't love". But that's exactly why domestic violence is so successful. Not only does everyone not know, but in fact, people can be indoctrinated into accepting the worse kind of abuse as just part of the package of loving someone āunconditionallyā. Ultimately, abuse doesnāt present itself immediately, it grows, just like the abuser.
If you went out with someone on a first date and they punched you, you probably wouldn't go out with them again. Unfortunately, that's not the beginning of any domestic violence situation. It's insidious and it builds and builds like a pot coming to boil, and the abused parties don't know until it's too late.
In conclusion, do I believe thereās some instances of unconditional love? Yes, I think so. Do I think itās possible that some parents have unconditional love for their children? Yes, most likely. But the āunconditional loveā Iām talking about is in reference to adults in relationships (whatever kind) with other adults. Child abuse is a complex and unfortunately all to common subject, and it is an issue for another time, with a much more informed person than I.
This post is about adults being able to take ownership of themselves and how they are treated in relationships. About them having the right to say āthese are the conditionsā.
At the end of the day, Teacups, believe whatever you believe. I am a stranger on the internet. But please understand that I am not slating or undermining your desire to be loved despite your flaws.
This isnāt about a list of things on someoneās tinder profile. This is about knowing that abuse cannot be disguised as āflawsā. This is about (hopefully) educating people on what domestic violence is, how it starts, and how it thrives.
This is not personal to you, or what you look like, or any insecurity you have about getting into a relationship. This is about how my mom was abused for twenty years because she loved my dad āunconditionallyā. This is about making domestic violence go down, not up.
Again, fully appreciate that I'm someone who's come out of a domestic violence situation, fully appreciate this is something I'm passionate about on a personal level, and completely respect your right to disagree.
I just hope that explains my thoughts a little more in-depth.
Best wishes,
Tea
Comments
Jonah
Iām someone who disowned my own mother because for the first 16 years of my life she emotionally and mentally abused me. Right ahead of the summer after my sophomore year of HS, Iām made the choice to live exclusively at my dads, of whom is my greatest role model to this day. I still suffer from childhood trauma from my mother and being relentlessly bullied by teachers and students alike at school for being the quiet kid, and I still deal with this mental weight even today through the medium of depression, anxiety disorders and the lot. When I read that original post I couldnāt agree more and I knew exactly what you meant, an abusive person needs to be removed from your life no matter their relation to you. Flaws donāt give you permanent mental health issues. As you said, everyone has flaws, they are what makes up an individualās personality. Itās when a persons flaws become one too many and they are overtaken by them and take it out on others. Thank you tea for clarifying for people who maybe misunderstood, I agree with you and I feel it may be less unpopular than you think! Thank you for all your audios, it helps me deal with my aforementioned issues, even if itās just a little bit. Keep it up!
A relationship is only a good relationship if the other person cares about your best interests and wants you to have your wants and need met. But this does not mean that if a person loves you, they should sacrifice their own best interests, wants and needs for yours. What it means is that both of you need to master the concept and practice of communication, as well as each of you caring for the other's wants and needs; so as to find the highest and best win-win scenario in any situation. - Teal Swan
Altakiri
As an aside, my grandfather was a piece of shit. Nothing sexual but he was the picture beside the definition of Napoleon Complex. Drunk and violent. One day he swore off the drink, gave up smoking and swore to be a better man to his wife and kids. 45 years later he died as that better man. Admitting that his younger self didn't deserve the loving wife, son and daughter he had. He died with regrets, and a conscience far from clear but in the knowledge that he tried his ass off every day, and succeeded at keeping the demons in his life at bay. My grandma tells me what he was, and what he became, and I'm disgusted, and yet hopeful. People can change. But it's too rare to really count on. Look out for yourself, always. If something feels wrong, take a step back and consider why it does. Does it make sense? If not, then get out.
Altakiri
I love my family. They're blood and I would do anything for them. That being said I can't stand half of them as people, so I keep them at arm's length. Family you choose is family you can love with caveats. I will drop anyone who raises a hand to me or those I choose to call family. Because my chosen family is a family I can trust to do the same for me.
IEatBeef69
Unconditional love is worthless love. If someone values themselves and their partner they will love conditionally.
Mattygee
Nah i think you have a lot of good points tbf
Paschar Araton
Loving someone does not mean you have to put up with bad behavior from them. You can love your parents and still tell them you are going to reduce contact with them until they stop trying to control your life. Or love your child, and still say they are not welcome in your house until they stop doing drugs. In this, I mean love = wanting good things for them, but not to let them hurt others you also care about (including your self).
David Murphy
Well put! I completely agree with this statement. I'm so sorry that you and your mother had to go through that.
Iron Piedmont
Once more, I whole heartedly agree that there should be conditions when it comes to love. For example, if I get married one day, I would love my wife as any husband would. But if one day I discover that they've been cheating on me, abusing our child, or disowning said child because they came out as gay or trans or voted the "wrong way," then that love I'd going to disappear rather quickly. Lastly, I'm very sorry that your Mother went through that for such a long time. I hope she is doing well.
Scary Meunster
Having a developmental disability and poor social skills and awareness, conditional relationships have proven unsustainable. I donāt try to be cruel or antagonistic, and I always try my best to make sure my friends are comfortable around me and ask regularly, but every time they end up losing their patience and leave me out to dry. Iām just too much to handle for people. Conditional love and support, at least for me, has always been doomed to fail because people will always find a way to correlate your own limited flaws with whatever their conditions are. I asked all my old friends countless times if I was doing anything wrong and to avoid certain things and tried to make my boundaries as clear as I could, but it never worked. Did I ask how you were doing too many times? Disrespecting boundaries. Did someone bring up a subject I said I was uncomfortable with? Itās my fault for getting upset. Ask someone not to say or do something to me? Trying to control them. It always ends up with me, who had no expectations or conditions, doing whatever I could to please people who connected anything I did to me doing something bad. Even the example here is easily manipulated - if someone isnāt in the mood to interact or seems a bit on edge, it can easily become ātheyāre ignoring meā and ātheyāre abusing meā. Conditional love is the only way abuse starts, actually. Forcing someone to meet expectations in a relationship or demanding they tolerate poor behavior is how relationships become abusive. If one person has conditions and the other doesnāt, itās bound to happen. If both people love unconditionally, then no party is forced to tolerate any harmful behavior because you can always love someone even if you arenāt in a romantic relationship with them specifically. I donāt know. Maybe itās just me being stupid, but in my experience, having conditions for loving someone usually means the rules are bent until your flaws fall within the bounds and you can be blamed. Itās just how I feel.
Cullen Nash
Only two words, Tea: THANK YOU.
Brandon McNeil
To say love is conditional you would first have to define love which art philosophy and all of society has failed to do for the past 10,000 years. But my two cents of it is, the question you really be asking yourself is not if we love them but who they are to us in our lives. Because if you love somebody because they are in a position in your life you don't really love them You love the idea of what they are to you. Examples I love my mother because she is motherly, I love my wife because she's wifely. That is not the case You love them for who they are not who they are to you. Now once you set and define that you can love anybody and walk away. Loving them is not conditional upon them hurting you intentionally or unintentionally. We need to learn that it's okay to feel so deeply for somebody and to let them go because it's the right thing for them for you or for both of you.
Arvel
in proper relationships, flaws are normal, but you should work with your partner to fix the flaws or find a way to work around them. as no one is perfect, there'll always be things that don't work well. but in an abusive relationship, the abuser will use the flaws for their own good. and even if they say they love you unconditionally with all their flaws, they'll keep abusing those flaws to their own good and you won't realize it. when you do realize though, it'll be far too late. at least that's my take on it. I luckily have never been in an abusive relationship, but I've had a few good friends be in one for years and only talk about it after they've made it out. so no matter what, always make sure that you're not being neglected too much and give yourself some more priority. a good relationship should be even with you and your partner. and if not, you should always be able to talk about it with your partner. otherwise, if there's not much trust, it might not be true love, but more a feeling of need for having your partner around and wanting them.
Goldbrand
Of course people can show "unconditional love" in the form of compassion, like doing charity work for the less fortunate. Or the form of love parents (should) have for their children. Or pets. But that's different from giving love to someone who is your equal. If you decide to love someone, share everything with them and do all in your power to make them happy, it should be fair to expect the same in return. You've said it many times before, Tea; loving someone is a choice. If someone indoctrinates you to love them regardless of what they do to you, it's not a choice anymore - it's brainwashing. So I think we agree 100%. I might sound harsh, and other people are free to disagree. But I think that if you feel you have *no choice* other than staying in a relationship, that might be the biggest sign that you need to gtfo...
Spectral Dragon
No love should be unconditional. If a family member decides to murder someone in cold blood, I sure won't be on their side, no matter what my stance on them was before.
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Blindluck92
I can see how some may have needed further explanation. Personally, I didn't because I've BEEN there. I was the abused party, and my boundaries were not respected. Now, yeah, conditions. It prevents history from repeating itself. Anyway, thanks Tea. Sorry to hear you had to clarify in the first place, but for people who didn't quite understand, I appreciate that you did. Happy (slightly early) Halloween!
OrionTheCloaked
Wow appreciate the long response! We may have disagreements but I gotta respect the mutual understanding of each otherās views. Wonāt stop me from enjoying your content. We are more than our opinions š keep up the hard work Tea! ā¤ļø
I respect your opinion and stance, love should have terms that make it do that the love and relationship isnāt destroying you. A healthy relationship regardless of how the relation is should never hurt either person.
June
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Duke The Rebel
I have my own way of looking at love but I do believe in your way of looking at things,Itās always good to have perspective on things and look at the other variations of it
MalikTheRonin
Wise words Tea šā¤ļø
