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Chapter 36: Natsuki Subaru's Heart is Beating
🕑 Added 2025-12-07 11:39:00 +0000 UTCSo, before he was transported back to this parallel modern world, back when he was still in the fantasy world, Natsuki Subaru had never disguised himself. Whether he was a mass murderer or left rivers of blood in his wake, Natsuki Subaru had never once put on a facade.
Natsuki Subaru would never hide himself in front of those who possessed color just because he knew he was an irredeemable sinner. And now, it was even more impossible for him to guide Hiyori Shiina just to test her potential.
Natsuki Subaru showed his point balance merely to respond to a friend's concern and alleviate her worries. That was all.
Overall, Natsuki Subaru didn't set up tests or observe reactions. As long as someone asked, Natsuki Subaru would give an answer.
Whether or not she could possess her own color in Natsuki Subaru's world depended on Hiyori Shiina's own future, natural performance, and would by no means be the result of Natsuki Subaru's subjective guidance.
Nor would it be any trial he, Natsuki Subaru, had meticulously designed.
Although this multiple-choice question was not carried through to the end, and Hiyori Shiina did not get any closer to the colored image in Natsuki Subaru's heart, but…
Without a doubt, Natsuki Subaru silently increased Hiyori Shiina's weight and importance once again.
“Eh?”
“R-Really?”
Hearing Natsuki Subaru's solemn thanks, a blush visibly spread across Hiyori Shiina's fair cheeks.
Like the evening glow dyeing white jade.
For a moment, Hiyori Shiina became somewhat flustered, her gaze involuntarily drifting to the bookshelf to the side.
“I… I just thought, well…”
“We're friends, so I just didn't want to see you… troubled by points, Natsuki-kun…”
“So you don't have to be so formal, Natsuki-kun…”
This feeling of being so clearly and directly cherished was a bit unfamiliar to Hiyori Shiina.
But it carried immense weight.
Hiyori Shiina was not adept at facing such straightforward expressions of emotion.
At this very moment, in Natsuki Subaru's eyes, the Hiyori Shiina who could usually calmly analyze complex mysteries and eloquently discuss various literary works and detective novels had temporarily receded from view.
All that remained was an ordinary girl, appearing somewhat clumsy and shy because of a friend's excessive sincerity.
This pure reaction, this unusual reality, once again struck Natsuki Subaru's heart, causing an even greater stir in his soul, which had already been rippling faintly.
“Shiina-san.”
Watching Hiyori Shiina's rare, flustered appearance, Natsuki Subaru couldn't stop the corners of his mouth from turning up, revealing a smile completely different from before as he said, “I understand.”
Forcibly suppressing the somewhat turbulent emotions of that moment, Natsuki Subaru's tone returned to calm.
Only Natsuki Subaru knew what kind of transformation Hiyori Shiina had undergone in the depths of his heart today.
Hiyori Shiina, in Natsuki Subaru's heart, had changed from a girl who was 'a bit similar to Emilia' or 'had a bit of Emilia's feel' into Hiyori Shiina herself.
Hiyori Shiina was Hiyori Shiina.
Perhaps she had similarities to Emilia, but Hiyori Shiina was no longer Emilia's substitute.
Fortunately, Hiyori Shiina was a girl who was very capable of adjusting her own emotions. With Natsuki Subaru's cooperation, they quickly moved past this topic and returned to their state of quietly reading.
Hiyori Shiina didn't continue to ask Natsuki Subaru why he had so many personal points, and Natsuki Subaru had no intention of proactively explaining it to her.
The two maintained a considerable degree of tacit understanding.
......
Time quickly passed until evening.
After finishing his reading session with Hiyori Shiina, Natsuki Subaru did not return directly to the dorm.
Instead, just as he had on many nights over the past half-month, he walked toward the coast out of habit.
However, what was different today was that this time, Natsuki Subaru didn't choose his usual bench facing the sea, but instead casually walked along the coastline.
He found a slightly secluded, gentle grassy slope where the weeds were a bit tall.
Natsuki Subaru lay down on his back. It had been many years since he had last lain on the grass looking so carefree. The last time was the last time; he could no longer remember when it was specifically.
In any case, it was a very distant memory.
‘Hiyori Shiina…'
‘Will you possess your own color in the world within my eyes?’
In the depths of Natsuki Subaru's heart, there was a long-lost, almost luxurious sense of anticipation.
And, in the even deeper recesses of his heart, a fear he was unwilling to face. Natsuki Subaru's expectations for Hiyori Shiina were too high, yet he was all too familiar with the process of hope igniting and then being extinguished.
Compared to never having seen the light, having seen it but being unable to ever see it again was far more cruel.
‘Emilia was once a pure white, without a trace of impurity.’
‘Reinhard was once a dazzling, brilliant gold, and Ram a scorching, stinging blood-red…'
‘Hiyori Shiina, what about you?’
‘What kind of color will you be?’
Hiyori Shiina's concern was not utilitarian, and her shyness was without pretense. Today in the library, Natsuki Subaru had felt the beat of his own heart for the first time in a long while.
In that single moment, Natsuki Subaru could barely restrain himself from asking what color Hiyori Shiina was.
A drowning man will grasp at a blade of grass; a lover's eyes will be filled with wounds.
Natsuki Subaru saw himself as a man on the verge of drowning, and Hiyori Shiina was the straw he saw just before he went under, making him want to grasp it tightly with his last bit of strength.
This was also why, in the library, Natsuki Subaru's turbulent heart had been almost uncontrollable.
‘So, should I keep expecting things like this?’
‘Just like… the last time I had expectations for Reinhard, for Emilia?’
Natsuki Subaru closed his eyes, feeling the slightly salty sea breeze.
At this moment, Natsuki Subaru knew clearly that this hesitation of his was, in itself, a change Hiyori Shiina had brought to him. A small yearning for the life to come had quietly emerged.
‘No, I no longer need any expectations.’
Soon, Natsuki Subaru once again negated his own hesitation.
Because expectation itself is a distorted gaze, one that would make Natsuki Subaru unconsciously measure and judge, and ultimately lead him back into that old vicious cycle.
This is fine as it is.
Just like watching a tree grow, a cloud drift by. Don't apply any external force, and certainly don't preset any outcome.
