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❤️ Being Okay with Your Parameters is a Work-in-Progress ❤️
🕑 Added 2023-11-24 12:12:22 +0000 UTCI don’t know about anyone else, but I often oscillate between ‘I’m doing okay’ and ‘I am such a fucking piss-baby shit-head loser’. And one of the reasons that this often happens is because I hold myself to a standard that is probably just not possible for me.
Whilst I never want to use my developmental disorder as a ‘get out of jail free card', I feel like if I don’t recognise that I have a disability then I’m just living in denial. On top of being autistic, I have a mood disorder called premenstrual dysphoric disorder which means 1-2 weeks out of the month I can be anywhere between manic, depressed, self-sabotaging and just flat-out non-responsive.
And more often than not, I find my disabilities disabling. They're not pleasant to experience or be around. Hence why I spend so much time alone. I don’t want to inflict myself on people. I love my family, but when I feel unstable, I isolate because I don’t even wanna be around me - never mind have the people I love have to be around me. To clarify I am not demonising these disorders. Having these conditions does not make you good or bad. They just are and they are difficult.
What I’m trying to say is that, I’ve thus far tried to live as close to a neurotypical life as possible, and as such, often experience crushing disappointment and self-loathing. The fact of the matter is we are who we are. And a part of my current learning process is recognising that I don’t have to live in one particular way. Nor does anybody else. I’ve never worried too much about what other people think of me. At least in the sense that you have little to no control over that, so why waste your time. But I have definitely struggled with how I see myself.
If I’m being kind - I can see that I try. That doesn’t make me an angel or mean that’s all that matters, but I do feel that I try very hard. And that can sometimes be a part of the problem. I have always tried very hard and yet I have always found everything difficult. And I do mean everything. I find doing basic tasks exhausting, being around people draining, working can be soul-crushing, I even seem to suck at sleeping and eating. And so when people say you're doing great at work, it's all at once lovely and awful. People message me and say 'you can tell how much fun you had voicing this' and I just feel like a fucking fraud because I was trudging through making that audio and feeling like a fucking incompetent fraud the whole time. To clarify, this is in no way a criticism of any listeners or anyone who has sent me kind messages. This is just me feeling like me.
Ultimately, I think it can be a very healthy thing to recognise who you are, what you want and what you’re working with when it comes to your mind, your body and your energy levels. Over the years, I’ve had so many wonderful messages, full of support and kind words, and amongst them there’s often been this theme of ‘can’t wait to see what you do next’, ‘if you push yourself even harder, you’ll be able to do great things’, ‘can’t wait for you to blow up’. And whilst I know these were nothing but kindnesses, it’s always inadvertently made me feel how I’ve always felt - which is - “people want more from you and you’re never gonna be able to give it to them. You can't even do the bare minimum”.
I obviously don’t have everything figured out, but I am trying to charter a new course where I am a lot more authentic and honest about my capabilities and wants. I think this could be beneficial for a lot of people, but ultimately, you do what’s best for you. I can just see that me being unkind and abusive to myself is not a healthy coping mechanism and I'd like to do better for myself and hopefully showcase a better way for others.
All the best.
Comments
Darkspire
Teacup! What makes you amazing is that despite all that, you push forward. Perhaps a good goal would be focusing on keeping things on an even keel as much as you can? Being kinder to yourself? I think sometimes we are so busy reacting to outside things that we forget to make a goal of internal things, which are the most important. Doing our best to eat and sleep also can need to be its own goal. I've lost count of how many times I've been a cranky angry pain in the ass and stopped in the middle of it to go oh, I haven't eaten today. Not to imply that you are a cranky pain in the ass, of course, but it is an example that we are biological creatures, and it does have a dramatic effect on us. It can easily cascade and trigger a bunch of other things too. You don't have to do anything for us. You could quit this cold and go do something else. If you felt like that was what was best for you, then I'd hope you would. Every day is different, and our best is different every day. I hope you find a way to be kind to yourself, and become more comfortable. Don't be afraid to try different paths. I feel like work arounds are autistic bread and butter. Sometimes there's just a big ole roadblock for some things, and you have to do it differently. I hope you find you way to happiness, comfort, and freedom from anxiety. We can all strive for it within our own kingdoms.
rolotony97
This is a reality I'm also learning to accept lately. For the longest time, I felt like my shortcomings were something I had to put practice in to strengthen. Now, I'm realizing that no matter how much effort I put in, I just get burnt out. Maybe I don't have to adapt to struggle in order to adapt to the rest of the world but find ways for the world to adapt a bit more to me.
LPPrince
I relate so much to most of this Tea; thank you so so so much for putting this in your own words. I don't go through premenstrual dysphoric disorder(I am male after all) but so much of how it makes you feel is what I go through every day and no one around me seems to understand it. Hopefully I can find myself around people who get it and can make life a bit easier and more comfortable; I hope you find the same. *big hug*
Durni Kolin
Thank you for sharing. I too have been working through the standards I hold for myself. I found it’s not a matter of lowering your standards to make yourself feel better about what you’re doing. It’s actually looking at your accomplishments from the perspective of where you started. You reached a goal through all the adversities. That’s something to be proud of. Comparison to a neurotypical is the fastest way to negative self-talk. I hope my words are more helpful than preaching to the choir. I just relate to your struggles and hope to encourage you the way you encourage me. Thank you again.
CaliKodiak
You're doing the best you can with what you've been given. That's all anyone can ask. 🩵
Brandon
Do what is best for you tea. We love you no matter what you do!
Greenstrike
as someone with ASC (previously Asperger's Syndrome), I can relate to many of the things you said. specifically to the part about switching between being ok and hating everything. one thing that helps me is trying to stay active and do regular exercise.
Nutritious
Imposter Syndrome can be a bitch sometimes. But in my humble opinion, what you give us is fine work. So maybe just sometimes don't give your self the extra stress of trying to give your best but just have it be "good enough" and see how well recieved it will still be? I'm almost certain we'll still be happy with it 😊 Sure it might be extra stressfull in the beginning, but once the positive feedback still comes in you'll know that you can relax about it a bit more in the future. And in the unlikely event that it doesn't, at least you've proven yourself right, I guess? 😅 Anyhow, thanks for all you are giving us, as always! That you can do this despite all your life and body are putting you through is quite the achievement in itself, so please don't put yourself down for not doing even better. Who you are and what you do are good and worthy! Hope you have a good, relaxing weekend despite everything going on 🤞🧡🙏
Phoenix Brave Hideki
Thank you as always for a PoP Tea. Being true and authentic as hard it is a times is for the best.
Kojiro91
100% know what you mean. I don’t have a diagnosed disability (I’m somewhere on the autism spectrum according to my doctor but still waiting for proper tests) but long term depression and anxiety have kept me isolated for more than a decade. I have no self esteem or self worth and flip back and forth from suicidal to “yeah I guess I’m fine” at any given moment. Sadness and anger are too emotionally draining for your body to maintain constantly so as long as nothing is going horribly wrong you do get phases of just being “fine”. As far as I’m concerned if I don’t want to be around me then why would anyone else. So I’m just keeping myself as distracted from my own thoughts and feelings as possible until I don’t have to deal with them anymore.
Lost Puppy
💜💜💜💜💘💝💟💌💯💯💯💯✅✅✅🕛🕐🕑🕒🕓🕔🕕🕖🕗🕘🕙🕚🕛👍👍👍💜💜💜💜
deathmetal62
as someone with depression, autism and anxiety, I definitely feel this. It's difficult to feel like I bring any value to the people and world around me, and trying to live a "normal" life has been exhausting and unnecessarily cruel. Trying to live like that has been taxing and often feels like we're defective and come down hard on ourselves. but I can tell you this, Tea. While I do love your content and would love to see if continue for a bit longer if and when you feel comfortable, I'd rather you feel that you are you, and you are enough for us. It's difficult for that to sink in, I know, but I truly do think you are enough as you are.
DDR
I think it’s safe to say that a fair number of people here can understand the complexities and difficulties of living out day-to-day life. Especially as a neurodivergent and/or when dealing with depression/anxiety. We all have our own struggles and battles over the simplest of things. Personally, some days it’s so hard just to get out of bed and take a shower. I don’t say that to diminish your difficulties or disabilities. I have no true idea of how hard it is for you. Bear with me, I’m going somewhere with this lol What I’m trying to get at is that all of those little things you do each day as you work through life is a gift. Having the strength to get up and have that shower despite yourself is a miracle in itself. I’m sure it’s gruelling at times, but when you put yourself out there in these posts and audios, you’re doing so much more. I think a lot of us here can understand to a degree how hard you’re working just to express yourself to the world. We all appreciate it here. Of course, we all need a break to collect ourselves. I’m glad you’re someone who at times, is able to recognise that and give yourself that time. That’s a rare skill that I’m still trying to learn. I’m also glad you’re working towards being comfortable with being a more authentic you. That’s such a healthy step forward that I hope you achieve! It’s hard to work through that imposter syndrome, but I want to put it here in plain black and white. You are worthy. You deserve this because you’ve worked hard for it. No one can take that away from you. Keep being the brave fighter you’ve proven to us that you are :)
Jeremy Knight
I can understand the need to isolate, I'm legally blind and I constantly feel like all I do is get on someone's nerves. I want to live on my own so badly but at the same time I want some companionship. It is good to acknowledge that your weakenesses it's best not to use them as a shield. If you wing it that much in your audios you do a really good job at it, I get sometimes it can be such a chore.
Camilo Iribarren
I read this slowly and I’m glad you take everything as is, taking what you have to handle with a lot of wisdom and working on it at your own pace. You do a lot for us and the best we can do is be patient and send you our support. Please continue this path and thank you for everything
June
🖤
Mastervaz
Really needed that. Found myself loosing myself at work thismorning and ready to break down. What you described in the first part was exactly what I was dealing with as well. So thank you
Warden D.
💜💜💜💜💜
Nox Nemesis
Words of wisdom. We appreciate you Tea. And we are thankful you are here. 🫂
Rasmus
❤️❤️❤️
That_dutch_guy
What i read is beautiful, but one thing i saw was "trying to life is a neurotypcial" im not trying to argue here. You wont hold on long until a burn out. Please dont over do yourself💙
