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Original Story - Eidolon of Fantasy Prologue Draft
🕑 Added 2021-02-26 18:36:38 +0000 UTCYeah, this time no draft. Worked on an original story and finished a prologue with my friend. It is in the works so I want your honest advice on it. It is not the standard type of fantasy you knew and love. There is isekai involved but it isn't as you believed it would be like. The concept of demon lords and those of heaven is also original here as well with multiple main characters narrating the story from their POV as well.
I just need to get the prologue working correctly hahaha. Sorry for no activity. I have sleep problems :( Three to four hours per night and another three-ish hours in the afternoon nowadays. Anyways, I want your honest criticism. It is very new and rough in the works like I said.
The illuminating sun dawned over the black sands of the beach.
The island was small, yet not too small. It was a part of an archipelago, but this island was far, so far that no lens or eyes could see the small islands beyond the sea in between. Gentle waves reached the shores of ash and sand as winds billowed over the surviving palm trees and the current inhabitants.
One creature walked the sands. It was small, it’s color was that of flesh red and ugly brown, nine eyes surrounding its circular maw of fangs.
It took him many months to get this shape but he did it. He needed it to carry out his task, even if this form was uncomfortable to move in.
On his hands, he carried a clutch of small white objects. They bore a pearlescent sheen.
He reached the clutch in the center of the island and dug his claws into the fertile ash soil, covering them. The heat of the soil will help protect it for now. Most of their mothers and fathers were gone, but others were here, ready to defend and nurture them once they hatch.
The creature nodded for a moment before it walked back where it came from, his talons digging into the soil every time, tendons wobbling with the threat of imbalance toppling him over.
He needed to be here for her. She did not have that much time left.
The little ones were sad being here as they raised their heads and looked at him. Despite what he is, he could not accept that they were here because they gave their lives to save a dying land.
It was too painful to watch them pass away one by one, fading to bring back life.
There were not that many trees around the island, but soon a lush jungle will bloom forth, bringing life and variety for the little ones, bring safety and shelter for them in several or more years.
He was sorry he couldn't make the land more bearable for the little ones, making it more than a flat lang of black sand and flowing water.
Next, he must check on her. She must be with him for now.
There was a cluster of coconut trees around the edges of the shores. Beneath one of them laid a mattress of long palm leaves within the cooling shade. On the mattress laid a woman, one that was ailing with feverish breaths, looking ill, and her stomach was swollen with young.
Beside her was a man.
The man’s attire was out of place, luxurious leather and silk hugging his form with glistening gems snuggling inside the pendant around his neck. He was helping to wipe her sweat from her forehead, rinsing the towel into the sand.
“Djall.” The man called out to the creature that approached. “Did you unload all of the eggs ashore?”
The creature known as Djall nodded as he walked towards the woman. Her hair was short, recently cut, her eyes emerald as she breathed heavily weighted breaths as if her lungs were burning. Around her were little creatures by her side, all breathing their magical breaths to keep her healthy.
“Djall…” The woman slowly opened her eyes as she turned her head.
Djall quickly ran towards her but tripped, falling on the soil.
He slowly picked himself up, walking more slowly, one foot and the next.
“Haha… don't… give up… You can do it.” The woman smiled weakly at him.
The creature cried out with worry as tears leaked from its nine-reptilian eyes. It couldn't form the right words whenever it was in distress. The vocal cords were still new just like its legs.
It continued hobbling towards the woman. It could picture how unsightly its face was, but in the woman’s eyes, she could see the purity of its sorrow behind the flesh.
Once Djall reached her, the woman weakly stretched a hand, caressing the thing’s head.
“Djall… thank you… for staying with me.”
The creature couldn't find the words to respond as tears continued to flow.
“You are very kind… I don't… care what you are.” She continued as she continued caressing him.
“I know… you care for me… very much.” She said as she turned to look at the man for a moment.
“But I can't… let you waste your life here…”
Djall was confused for a moment. However, around his feet, a magical circle sprung to life.
He screeched in confusion, baffled, thoughts in disarray. He tried to move, but he was stuck, pinned in the center of the magical circle.
“I am sorry… I know you wish to stay with me.”
Djall could see the tears straying from her eyes as her voice broke.
“Goodbye… Djall. I want you… to live your life. To have a bright future…” She closed her eyes for a moment as she sobbed, sniffling as her gentle tone wavered.
“Please… don't forget me. And your family.”
Djall could barely muster a word before the magic circle activated.
“M-Mother-”
It was a hoarse attempt to cry at the one that raised him. The tone was a din of discord, the sound ugly. But the emotion behind it was pure.
The man watched the magic circle disappear after whisking the creature away.
“...do you believe you made the right choice, Renola?” The man asked.
The woman tried to smile, but she could only cry in return.
“I'm unsure… what is best for him.”
Renola panted as the little ones continued breathing their magical breaths on her. Their efforts were the only thing keeping her spirits up, keeping her strong.
“But… I'm sure… that staying with me… is not the correct choice.”
A pause hung in the air as the man raised his head to the perfect blue skies.
“You are too magnanimous for this world, Renola.”
“Haha… I think Djall thinks the same… Tiranus.” She smiled weakly.
“You should've at least leave him with a memento,” Tiranus mentioned. “Something for him to hold onto.”
“I don't think… I have something like that.” Renola shook her head.
“...he will come back.”
Renola remained silent.
“What will you do then?” He asked.
Renola remained silent as she stared at the little ones around her, trying to keep her alive and healthy as they could.
“...I don't know. I don't want to impose on him…”
“But he will gladly accept it. You are like his mother.”
“...if I live long enough… I will tell him.” Renola decided.
“And if you don't?”
“...I want you to leave a message for him.” Renola closed her eyes as tears began to stream down her face.
“And that is?”
“...I want…” Renola paused. “...I want him to give the little ones a place they could happily return to. In the mainland… where they can spread joy.”
“That is indeed a selfish request.”
“I know…” Renola smiled. “But making requests… is all I can do for now.”
Renola looked at the staff leaning at the bole of the coconut tree. It was nothing short of divine in craft and feel, the white marble sheening even in the shade.
“...though there is one more I can do before my life passes on.”
