Marlo Mack
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Blocked.
🕑 Added 2020-11-10 22:14:59 +0000 UTCDear friends,
I have known this day was coming for nearly ten years, ever since my three-year-old child first began to tell me that “he” was actually a girl. My child has been anticipating it, too, for all these years, asking me again and again, “When do I get the medicine to make sure I don’t become a boy, Mama?”
And for years, my answer was, “Not for a long time, sweetheart. Not until you’re much older.”
Of course, the years spun by. She turned eleven, then twelve. Her cisgender friends started to get curvy and their moms began telling me in whispered asides that their daughters were getting their periods. At the same time, the mothers of my daughter’s transgender friends began telling me that their kids were entering puberty, too. One by one, they announced, the time had come for their kids to undergo their own special version of puberty, our transgender tweens’ rite of passage into early adulthood: Blockers.
“Blockers” is the layperson’s term for the medications - delivered either via injections or a small implant embedded in the upper arm - that pause natal puberty, meaning that my daughter will not undergo the masculinizing changes she finds both abhorrent and terrifying. Blockers are safe (they’ve been used for decades on children who experience precocious puberty: 6-year-old boys who start growing beards, for example) and entirely reversible (stop the blocker medication and a person’s natal puberty will start right back up).
And yes, blockers represent the first in a series of possible lifelong medical interventions for our children. And yes, we take this extremely seriously. But for most of us, there has never been another choice (particularly when we learn that blockers might even keep our children alive). For parents like me, the “decision” about blockers was made long ago, when our young children - age four, five, six years old - cried themselves to sleep at the thought of growing up to look like Mom when they knew they should look like Dad, or vice versa.* And so we promised our terrified young children that it would be OK. We comforted them with the knowledge that modern medicine could prevent this, because it can.
That comforting knowledge has allowed my child to experience a joyful, remarkably typical girlhood, and one that has been largely anxiety-free. (And her Dad and I have benefited from the comforting knowledge that our family has the rare privilege of access to high-quality, trans-friendly medical care.)
Though this moment has long seemed inevitable, it also always seemed far off, a long way down our path. I suppose it’s often like that, for us parents: We’re never quite prepared for how fast our kids will grow up. I know I wasn’t. I got a little reprieve, because my child turned out to be a bit of a late bloomer: As her trans pals began, one by one, getting their blocker implants at age 10, 11, and 12, our pediatrician kept saying it wasn’t yet time, and so it seemed like my daughter was still going to be my little girl for a while yet.
But of course, one day she was going to grow up. A few weeks after regular life was shut down by the pandemic, I sat next to my daughter on the living room couch and was suddenly walloped with the knowledge that that day had come. There was nothing specific I could point to; it was a gut feeling. She was just... different. She was taking up a different kind of space in the room. My little girl no longer seemed little. I emailed her doctor right away. A blood test confirmed my maternal hunch: It was time.
The last few months have been a rough ride. First we were told that Covid restrictions meant that all “elective” medical procedures were on hold until further notice. I began to panic: Would the pandemic mean that my daughter wouldn’t get the medical care I had been promising her for a decade? After a nail-biting summer, we got the good news: We might need to wait a little longer, but her doctors would make it happen.
Everything came together last week, when my daughter - who is just shy of 13 - had a tiny cylinder (imagine a third of a toothpick) inserted under the skin in her left arm. For the next 2-3 years, it will secrete a medication that will prevent male puberty from occurring. When her doctor says it’s time, she’ll start taking estrogen and she will begin to resemble her increasingly curvy peers. Which is, of course, exactly what she wants.
The morning of her scheduled procedure to insert the implant, I asked her how she felt. “Nervous and excited,” she said.
She explained that she was nervous because she’d be getting a shot to numb her arm. She hates needles.
“And why are you excited?” I asked.
“I’m excited to be growing up,” she said.
And her mother is:
Relieved that my child is happy and safe.
Grateful beyond belief for this miraculous (and life-saving) medical care.
Full of that bittersweet feeling that occurs when something wonderful ends (childhood) and something equally wonderful begins.
With love and gratitude,
Marlo
p.s. Stay tuned for a podcast episode about our experience with blockers. We're working on it!
p.p.s. My daughter has read (and approved) this post.
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* It’s vital to mention that NOT ALL kids tell their parents when they are really little. Many trans kids don’t emerge and make their needs known until puberty, or years later. They still need our support at 14, at 24, or at 44 - perhaps then more than ever.
Comments
Judy Sohl
I am a Medical Assistant in a pediatrics clinic and want you to know that your podcast has helped me understand and provide care for our transgender patients. You are providing a remarkable service, and I do appreciate your willingness to be so open and honest about your journey. This goes for both you, and your daughter! Thank you so much
Marlo Mack
Hello Jamie! So happy to hear from you. Laverne (and my daughter) are both my heroes, too! :) Thanks for your kind message and for supporting us. Wishing you all the very best! Please keep in touch!
Jamie
Hey, I just found your podcast yesterday on google podcasts and I’ve been binging them. I’m a 20 year old transgender woman but I’m not out to anyone except my girlfriend and a select few friends. Your daughter is an absolutely huge inspiration and so much of this has resonated with me. Laverne Cox is also a huge hero of mine and to find out that 2 of my heroes have met is a very amazing thing. Your daughter is and always will be a girl. No matter what. Just like I am always going to be a woman. Even if I haven’t begun transitioning and I still “look” male. Thank you so much for what you do, I’m so happy it’s going well for you both xx ❤️
Marlo Mack
Yes, she is growing up so fast! But I think she'll still always be my little girl in my heart...
Marlo Mack
Thank you, Nathan! (Sorry for the worrisome title!)
Marlo Mack
Thank you, Ann!
CEH
Thank you for the update! I'm glad you have the good medical care you need, and the timing seems perfect! Your daughter seems like a wonderful kid! The photo you posted brought me to reality - she's growing up! I pictured her as the little one I "met" when we found your podcast at the beginning. Now, I will picture her as a teenager! Good teenage times with girlfriends are the best! Love and fun teen times,
Nathan Jones
How wonderful! Have to admit, it took me a moment when I saw the title of this post. "Blocked?! Oh no, what's wrong? Who blocked her?" Then I saw the word "blockers" and realised what a joyous, relief-filled moment this must be for her. The letting go aspect of parenthood is always bittersweet, but the flip side is the excitement of seeing them grow into themselves, so I can imagine it's a big moment for you, too.
Ann Charles
Thank you so much for this heartfelt post. I really appreciate the generosity you and your daughter have in sharing your story with us. It really helps wider understanding. I am quite certain you have changed lives for the better. Good luck for the next phase - and yes - growing up happens so quickly!
Alexandra Lilly
I'm not crying. You're crying! But being serious. It's so great to know that somewhere out there are children who get to have the childhood I couldn't. Even if that means growing up! And that makes me happy 💜
Marlo Mack
Thank you, Ariodne. Yes, I'm sure we too will have many discussions in the future about what my daughter needs medically, but she seems to know what she wants, so I'm just planning to continue to follow her lead!
Marlo Mack
Thank you, Jacob! She's doing great and is happy and relieved to have the procedure behind her!
Ariodne Lewis
So glad for you both. I had the privilege of being a part of another girl’s similar journey from when she turned 11. It took 2 years, i think but she got on blockers and has grown into this fun loving, intelligent, and tall 15 year old. Her mom and her are having to discuss some serious questions in regards to the future of that journey as far as medical things go. Nevertheless, I’m honored to be witness to both of these young people growing up and blossoming into themselves.
Jacob Ford
I’m 26 and needles are still the worst part of any medical procedure. Recently my doctor gave me some anxiety meds to shoot up 2 hours before getting shot which helps! But it’s still not fun, and thin things being precisely inserted into me freak me out. M is not alone! As for all the rod and stuff that goes after the shot, congrats! Wishing you the calmest of blockers and whatever comes next.
