AML4 Script - Feedback Requested

sKorpion

MUCH better and more in character for all three ... two words: yes please! still would LOVE to see the rougher version played out with Mary, Bella, ____ (not Mary)

sKorpion

agree with some others... though the scene is HOT in itself... very much so... would be better suited to different trio of characters... Maggie from first two episodes would NEVER be acting like that in front of her daughter! tooo extreme a change and MAJOR breaking of character... however... would LOVE to see that scene (or simillar) with Maggie, Bella, and _____ (insert not-Mary here) lol

Oops

This

Bella gets so much crap from them, good lord. She needs her own side story, lol.

Will J.

Bella should cum at some point and try to hide it so she doesn't get in more trouble

Axost

Agreed, seems like a left turn. I just feel like this theme would be best if used with different characters

Sgt Mac

Decadence And Voyeurism Along With Incest And Perversion Is The Matrix Of Red's Creation. Adding The Content Of S&M, A Long With The Rest Of The Secret Desires And Fantasies , Never Spoken, But Always Whispered, Is The Icing On The Cake"With The Cherry On Top"--Sorry Red, I Have Opened Pandora's Box, And Was Delighted With The Treasures It Held! Your Tracking In "My Opinion" Is Sinfully Delicious, And Dead On!--Cheers To You Red!--RS--Sgt Mac

Redd

I like that we are now seeing more of the dynamic between Bella and Mary. Although alot of people dont feel it goes with the tone of the first 2, i think it's supposed to be that way. The first 2 were just Mary and Maggie. Bellas relationship with Mary (even from the pic with Bella in the collar) seems to be more of a dom-sub relationship. So this goes right along with it. Especially since we can see (from the AML3 script) that Mary is trying to reward Bella. In the end, it's your vision Agent Red Girl, and I think it's awesome

William Cramer

Well, my feeling about the piss scene is to have both Mary and Maggie really unleash a powerful torrent of pee into Bella's face. That would make it really really erotic.

glrider

In and of itself, it's a decent scene. I am not so sure it fits with the tone of the first two episodes. Hear me out before criticizing. The first two parts were kind and loving, this new scene shows shades of S&M. It just doesn't seem to fit. Don't get me wrong, it's a good scene. And I'd like to see it some-day, it just doesn't feel right to be between these characters. It may be better in a different story, with different characters... three more mature, experienced adults. Not a Mother, a daughter, and another daughter-like character.

Futanari Fan

Really agree LiveG - in many ways a great disappointment

LiveG

I pretty much agree with your post. I became a patron because 1 and 2 were relatively unique, cute, funny and, above all, sexy. Now the plan seems to be "how disgusting and ridiculously porny can i go?" If it continues in this direction, there will be one less supporter, not that it matters. I'll wish the artist the best, but this plan for 4 is pretty awful.

Not Invader Zim

Yeah, way to much 'mean' for me in this script.

Potato

I feel "bitch" is a bit too much

Blazingsaddle

I think Bella giggles a bit too much for this scene and scenario. I also think Maggie should stroke Mary a bit longer making that scene more passionate since it appears Mary doesn't usually let anyone top her by Bella's reaction. Maybe have Mary tell Maggie to go slow "It's been a while" having Maggie then lick and finger Mary's ass to loosen it up a bit before she enters her. Major eye contact between them with Maggie climaxing after Mary tells her to spit in her mouth and kissing a little lol, and having Bella be forced to sit on the floor, shut up and watch. Sorry for the lengthy response

Agent Red Girl

Anna would be at the very end of part 5. To be honest though, I am not 100% sure I will do that scene. it really depends on how far along I am with the Amys Big Wish characters at that point

Gary Simpson

where does Anna come in?

This is gonna be the best. However I would like if mommy gets a taste of both their piss too. More like the baby girl making a request. Only if possible and if you think it won't ruin the script

Futanari Fan

Hi Agent Red Guess I’m going to be a minority report here. The script above will work and many patrons like it but I’m not sure that it is in tune with the characters as developed in AML 1 and 2 where within the love triangle there was affection, infatuation and almost adoration. I wondered about Bella being contrite at coming in Maggie’s arse, as Mary was for coming in Maggie’s pussy, and offering to suck out the cum as an act of contrition. The difficulty for Bella is that she enjoys it, as does Maggie so Bella asks Maggie for a golden shower. Again both parties enjoy it and it gets Mary very turned on. Agree with Gern re Bella calling Mary Mommy – doesn’t work for me. Throat fucking with vigour etc then works okay; but no need for such aggression. Guess I’m just not into the dominatrix bit in this triangle. But however it goes it will be good and probably great I’m sure.

bigwiggy

Poor Bella must have really done something really bad to make Mary so angry. Personally I think Mary saying "I don't want to hear your fucking excuses!" sounds better/more natural than "I don't want to hear your fucking thoughts!" but that's just my 2 cents. Also will we get to see Mary lay a *SEVERE* ass fucking into Bella at some point? I'd think that would be the punishment Bella would fear most, especially if Mary told her she's not going to be gentle like she usually is.

Gern L Blanston

Maggie calling her mother, “Mary” sounds wrong given she’s been calling her Mom all long. Other than that, works for me. 😎

Terry

Omg just love it! Please make the face washing pee nice and long. Maybe a long first blast a short break while she catches her breath and then more, and Bella opens her mouth to enjoy a mouthful!

Spaz strike

Just ask for ball sucking sometime in the future :)

Agent Red Girl

Yeah we will see a really nice bondage scene or two in the next series =) Tara is a bondage dominatrix afterall!

OrionPirate

Works for me. However, I am curious whether we will see some bondage at some point.

Tnekmeister

can't wait.... :)

Sgt Mac

Outstanding Red Girl! Points Are Made Direct! "Porny" Does Rhyme With "Horny", Another Good Point. Truthfully, This In "My Opinion"Is Some Of Your Best Yet! You Almost Seem To Be Loosing, Some Of Your Inhibitions, And Taking Charge Of Your Creation. Firm, But Gentile, Excuse The Pun! It Is About Time Someone In This Family Grew Some Balls, And Took Charge! Good Job! Love The Piss Scene Grea--------------------------------------t--Sgt Mac

Agent Red Girl

Yeah, I feel it is a little cheesy as well. I am just not totally sure how to convey some of the points I am trying to make with other words. I am trying to be a little "porny" too with this on purpose. But, if you have any suggestions on how to improve it, please let me know

AceQ

I honestly think the dialogs are kinda cheesy... My suggestion would probably be "less is more". But I support whatever choice you make

Silent_Bosmer

Seconded!

Jmac

I think Mary should piss on Bella too...

William Cramer

looks great Red.

Edison Lantigua

Perfect!

Ciarán M

Oh wow, Mary is very harsh to Bella here, makes me all the more curious to see what happens in AML3 to cause this. Overall though, I do like what I'm reading here and a lot of it is sounding like the scenes in question are going to be very hot, this line in particular is one that I must say that i like a lot "Put your dick all the way up mommy's big fat ass" 😍. At the start, when the alternate line is "I don't want to hear your fucking excuses", I think that this one sounds more natural, though at the same time, to me it seems like the harsher of the two lines. And one quick thing, after Mary cums in Maggie's mouth and asks if she's okay, Maggie says "Yeah Mary", should she not say "mommy" instead? Or is Mary allowing her to say "Mary" because she's feeling guilty and being nicer in this moment? Not a major thing, I'm just wondering. And I have to say, the description of Maggie asking to put her cock in Mary and then Bella being stunned by Mary's approval is hilarious to me, I'm looking forward to seeing that 😂

Agent Red Girl

I hope it will make sense! And I appreciate any support that you have to offer so no need to apologize at all! I wish you the best at academy =)

Agent Red Girl

Yeah most likely!

Hevinli

I see, Well, I guess only time will tell, we'll see after AML3. But this came as a little bit of a shock to me personally, and especially calling her a bitch in front of her daughter, that's borderline abuse. But regardless, I digress. It is just fantasy after all. By the way, I'm heading off to an academy for about a year, so my financial situation will drastically change/decline, So I'm very sorry but I'm going to have to opt for a smaller patreon pledge than my $5 pledge.

Agent Red Girl

EDIT: made a change to Marys line "Mary: Here you go sweetie. Put your dick all the way up mommy's big fat ass."

Agent Red Girl

Yeah, I know it seems really harsh. This is meant to kinda show a little more what their relationship is really like. Mary is a total dom when it comes to Bella. More of this, and why Mary is like this, will actually be explained in Amys Big Wish. But Mary is REALLY upset here as well (you will see why when I post AML3).

Hevinli

I think it seems a bit too agressive of Mary to call Bella a bitch, considering their relationship and all that kind of stuff.

Agent Red Girl

I think the alternative line is going to be "I dont want to hear your stupid fucking thoughts!"... slightly less harsh but still mean.

Cwolf

I think the alternate line of "I don't wanna hear your fucking excuses" works better. Also when Mary cums down Maggie's throat is there going to be any sort of cum inflation again? :D

Monkitar

Alternative line at beginning is better IMO. This sounds pretty good, and hot 🙂