Machinery of the Human Heart
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Thoughts and feelings behind The Grand Scream
🕑 Added 2025-12-03 05:26:22 +0000 UTCAs I prepare to release music, I'm thinking about and feeling everything there is too think and feel.
When I started to write these songs, there was a lot of anger. I felt I was in several overlapping situations that there was no way out of. A lot of things felt bizarre and unfair and deeply wounding, and my internal dysregulation was being mirrored in and manifesting in my external world.
I don't talk much about it anymore, but I have a biologically based mood disorder called PMDD. It is brutal no matter how you slice it, and just this year it has worsened, with new symptoms being thrown into the mix. One day I channeled the bottomless pool of feeling within me to create what would become one of the ballads on The Grand Scream.
"Let me keep the only thing that keeps me sane."
In early spring I got to work on arrangements, production ideas, and finished up with the Indiegogo rewards. The stress was a weight on me, and I got sick for 2 weeks and had to deal with 3 weeks of PMDD right before. Immediately after this, as well as during, the scratch-tracking/pre-production process began.
In the summer, things turned out for the worse mental health-wise, but I continued to show up for myself and my art. I fought through a lot to be present in the studio and to be able to make calls about my art and the way it was forming. I trekked through a worse autumn and was finally able to get to solid ground recently and have been trying to find a Something Beautiful each day.
Despite all this, I think I am insanely proud of the work me, Wyatt, and Doug did together. I'm proud of what I wrote. I can't wait for the world to see and hear it. Love, art, and passion combined have a better track record for prevailing and succeeding than many might think. <3
As an ending note, I have been posting mini home performance videos of songs from Surgery on Instagram and tiktok. I will be doing this thru Friday. Check out Remember Something Beautiful and Arizona Calling now!! <3
