Brent Stinebaker
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Rashclads (AKA THE AUTHOR’S SUPER LOW-EFFORT APRIL FOOL’S CHAPTER) CHAMBERS DATING SIM PROTOTYPE
🕑 Added 2025-04-02 16:19:56 +0000 UTCThe hells with this, I’m done with the grimdark and fighting and shit. It’s time to write a half-assed romance novel set in a high school. That’s where the money is.
-What Happens When the Author Gets Fried and Decides to Write an April Full’s Chapter
Rashclads (AKA THE AUTHOR’S SUPER LOW-EFFORT APRIL FOOL’S CHAPTER)
CHAMBERS DATING SIM PROTOTYPE
“Ahhhh, I’m going to be late,” screamed Chambers, as he struggled to shove his twelve-meter-long flaccid member back into his pants. A blush was painted on his boyish cheeks as he bounded down the street, away from the lightrail station. People and nu-dogs cried out in shock and horror as his whipping slab of meat struck eyes and swept ankles. “Damn. So sorry. Close your eyes, consangs.”
People cleared around him as he continued pounding down the street. He leaped over a railing, used his elongated fifth limb to grapple a passing aero, and let himself be pulled high up into the air, out of the shadows of the surrounding megablocks, out into the light shining down on the Warrens.
“Ah. Good morning New Vultun,” Chambers said calmly as he bounced back and forth in the air. A sound blasting something about the power of love rumbled out of the aero, and in the far distance, he saw that big, imposing structure that would be his life for the next four years.
Scale High.
It was kind of a weird name for a high school. It was pretty stupidly big too. Like, bigger than some Sovereignties. It was like an entire mountain made out of shifting blocks and shit. Why Jaus Avandaer, super president of all Idheim decided to have a single high school for the biggest megacity on the planet Chambers would never know. But hey, he was just a kid with a massive member, not the mega genius who beat up all the gods and forced them to be faculty.
After a good few minutes of flying, smashing into the back of the aero as it hit the brakes, and flopping in the air, Chambers finally unlatched his thing from the aero and crashed into a dense patch of shrubbery in the back of the school. Just in time for the bells to ring as well.
“Ring. Ring.” Mr. Techplaguer shouted. “I am making literal noises comprehendible to your APE MINDS GET IN CLASS NOW AND LEARRRRNNNN!”
“Oh, no, the bell,” Chambers loudly shouted, loudly telling people around him what could be easily inferred from subtext. “I’m totally late for class. I hope I am not going to be brutally punished for being late.”
Chambers twisted and struggled out from the messy shrubbery that blunted his fall. He clambered over the large black petals of an Ebontata, and bounded onto the main thoroughfare of Scale academy—the largest and only high school in New Vultun. Students everywhere were rushing to and from class, and Chambers stared at them wide-eyed as he began his naked exposition.
“Look, there are the eight big cliques. Wow, I hope I don’t make any of them bad. That would be super bad for me. And my massive peni—”
Just then, someone stomped down on his so-called massive penis. Cheap, shitty cartoon noises sounded as Chambers tumbled head over ass over taint, but went too fast, and so he smashed his nose with his rapidly bouncing sack and broke his nose. “Ah. My balls broke my nose!”
As a trickle of blood ran down his chin, he turned and gasped. “Oh, no. It’s New Vultun’s girls Gravball team. The Stormtree… ers.”
True to his words, a group of hypermuscular humanoids stood before him, sneering as one of them stamped on Chambers’ unfurled member repeatedly. Each of them looked like the bastard child of truck made out of meat that could do steroids or some shit. They were also wicked jacked and could cuck any man they saw at will. Like. There’s nothing a dude could do against their guns. Imagine fighting off a three-meter tall three ton monster.
“Hahahaha!” one of the Stormtreers. Stormtree-ers? Fuck it, I’m not going to keep this consistent. “Look at this man’s cock! It’s smaller than mine.”
The other Stormtreeers laughed, but quickly found themselves starring at the person standing on top of Chambers’ cock. “What did you just say?”
The cock-stander’s eyes widened. “Uh, I mean… I didn’t look at his cock.”
“Too late! This one’s a heterosexual. Get her!” Immediately, one of the other girl picked up Chambers length and brutally began choking the cock-stander.
“Ahhh! Ahhh!” Chambers screamed, trying to pull away. “Noo. I need to get to class!”
“RING RING RING!” The Techplaguer said. “I DON’T CARE IF SOMEONE IS HOLDING YOU BY YOUR SENSITIVE GENITALS! IF YOU ARE NOT IN CLASS NOW, YOU’RE GOING TO DETENTION… IN THE MAW!”
“Ahh!. Not the Maw!” Chambers cried, as began a tug of war with the Scaarthian using him as some kind of reverse cock flail. “LET ME GO! I CAN’T GOT TO DETENTION ON MY FIRST DAY! NOOOO—”
The next thing Chambers knew, he was in principle Infacer’s office, being chastised.
{Chambers. You fucking ape. You absolute fuck.} The Infacer said, their voice livid. {What made you think you could avoid class? And also have such a massive penis.}
“But I was born with it!” Chambers cried. A large backhand reached out of the black swirling mass of radiation and slapped Chambers. “Ah!”
{Silence, penis-haver. I now begin an unfinished diatribe that is vaguely disguised for class dynamics between the Citizens and Subjects and all the prejudice that entails, but the dynamic is now symbolically represented by the Citizens being small-dicked cuckholds while the Subjects are very muscular and have half-meter long cocks. At least. Even the females. Especially the females.}
Chambers clenched his fists. This was absolute injustice. It wasn’t his fault his cock was incredible. Everyone hated him for his massive cock. Especially his dad, whose cock was so small he was technically a woman. If that was how it works.
Just then, the door smashed out. In walked a girl who was shaped as a massive cunt—literally a slit in a suit.
{Ah. Student Council President Veylis. Thank you for responding. It is time to send this Subject to the Maw.}
Veylis sneered. Somehow. Despite being mostly just a slit with arms and legs. “Pathetic. You disgust me, subject. You and your penis.”
Chambers couldn’t take it anymore. He shot to his feet to defend his people. “Enough! I’m not taking this anymore! We all know you Citizens are jealous of our long, thick, and manly cocks!”
Veylis laughed cuntily. “Fool. You might have length, but a true Citizen knows what matters… width. Width over length. Width beyond length.”
That made Chambers gasp. “You like chodes.”
“Silence,” Veylis said, slapping Chambers with one of her flaps. “How dare you speak of Chief Sports Captain Naeko this way.”
Chambers slammed into the wall and made groaning noises. “Damn. She’s so strong. I need to get stronger.”
And then, he was brought to the Maw. The Maw was a really nasty, smelly classroom filled with all the worse students and deviants. Especially the hideous ghouls. They were supposedly so bad that the school had to hide them in the basement, because their grades were so horrible it caused everything below to them to collapse as well.
Veylis had her minions throw Chambers through the door, and his penis whipped around, fumbling out of his pants again. As he landed, he bit his lip and tried not to cry from humilation. All the Citizens always just bullied the fine-penised people like him.
Just then, a shadow hovered over him. “That’s a very fine penis you have.”
Chambers looked up, and saw a man with fine dark skin, deep blue eyes, and a calm smile. On his chest was a nametag. “Waltun.”
“You… you don’t judge my penis?” Chambers asked.
“No. I too am very well endowed.” Waltun smiled. He gestured at his class. “Come. Rise. Introduce yourself to the rest of the class. But first, let me show you my daughter.”
And just then, Chambers saw the most beautiful thing in existence. Her skin was pale. Almost translucent. Her body was long and her limbs were long, and her nails were sharp as fucking shit. That didn’t stop her from have edges and curves in all the right places. And to make matters weirder, she had like, eight dicks hanging from her back too. Chambers gasped. He hadn’t seen someone with more dicks than him before.
“This is my daughter, Ava—”
[MEM-SIM “SYMMETRY PROMO MATERIAL TEST-SEQUENCE01” QUIT FORCEFULLY]
Avo emerged from Chambers’ mem-sim like someone cast out from a hellish coma. He hissed and gagged. The world felt wrong. The colors of existence were twisted. Everything was wrong. He should have never… he should have never agreed to test this thing for Chambers. He turned, glaring at the man.
“So?” Chambers said, grinning. “What do you think? I think I can get the rest of your storyline done and have that spread across the lobbies in the city. It’s weird and unconventional, but it might net us a cult following against the Guilds.”
There were many things Avo wanted to do. Many, many things. But thanks to his recently obtained Conflagration, he managed to not murder Chambers immediately. Even if it was a near thing.
“Chambers,” Avo began.
“Yeah, consang?” He beamed.
“Regret giving you the ability to choose. Regret everything. Going to… going to remove these memories. Given me a trauma.”
Comments
David Darko
Oh my word! That was hilarious.
Jeremy Russell
I like how all the April fools chapters could technically make it into canon as side adventures
