Illusiveone
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151: Redoing my Life, Get Good
🕑 Added 2024-12-20 06:00:35 +0000 UTC“Batman can easily defeat Superman,” Matt declared confidently, leaning back on the couch.
“Let me guess: kryptonite,” John replied, already sounding exasperated.
“Yes, kryptonite!” Matt exclaimed, as though it were the most obvious answer in the world. “All Batman has to do is bring it to the fight, and Supes is done for.”
“Nah, man, I don’t think so,” John countered, shaking his head.
“What do you mean you don’t think so? It’s kryptonite!” Matt leaned forward, ready to defend his argument.
“He has a point,” I chimed in, sitting nearby with a smirk as I watched the debate heat up. We were in Joanna’s new apartment, distracting John because he was kinda freaking out since Dark Souls was released yesterday.
John raised a finger. “Okay, let’s say Batman brings a lump of kryptonite to the fight. You know what a Superman—who’s not constrained by the rules of a writer—would actually do? Or better yet, what I would do if I were Superman?”
“What?” I asked, intrigued.
“He’s going to blow it up with his heat vision,” John declared smugly.
Matt squinted, looking for a counter. “You can’t just destroy kryptonite.”
“Yes, you can!” John insisted, his voice rising. “Superman would vaporize it before it even gets close!”
“It’s kryptonite,” I interjected, siding with Matt. “It’s literally his weakness.”
John wasn’t having it. “Okay, but listen to me. Superman isn’t a total idiot. If he knows kryptonite is his weakness, he’s not going to just stand there like an idiot and let Batman use it. He’ll destroy it immediately. Kryptonite doesn’t just automatically weaken him the second it’s exposed.”
Matt fired back. “What if Batman shoots it at him?”
John clapped his hands together. “Faster than a speeding bullet.”
“Okay,” I said, jumping in. “What about kryptonite in gas form? Or what if Batman shoots it at him from a long distance?”
“Super hearing,” John said confidently. “And if it’s gas? Super breath. He’d blow it away before it even reaches him.”
Matt was visibly scrambling for an argument. “Okay, what if—what if Batman creates a box made of kryptonite and traps Superman inside it?”
John laughed, shaking his head. “Yeah, sure. That sounds like something Batman could totally do while Superman just stands there and lets him build a box around him.”
“Maybe he lures him in somehow,” Matt muttered, clearly running out of ideas.
John leaned back triumphantly. “See? Superman wins every time. Kryptonite or not.”
“Oh oh,” I said, leaning forward with a smirk. “Magic. Superman is weak to magic.”
“Yes!” Matt exclaimed, seizing the idea. “If kryptonite doesn’t work, Batman could totally get Zatanna to help or something.”
“Heat vision,” John said simply, cutting through the excitement.
“Superman is not just going to kill people,” I argued.
John shrugged. “Well, it’s a smart Superman. Besides,” he added, turning to me, “aren’t you supposed to be writing a Superman script right now?”
“Well…” I trailed off.
John crossed his arms and leaned back. “This is why a Superman movie is so difficult to write. He’s just too OP.”
Matt, who had been deep in thought, suddenly perked up. “Wait! Lead. Superman can’t see through lead. So, Batman brings kryptonite encased in lead to the fight. Superman won’t even know it’s there!”
John didn’t even hesitate. “Heat vision.”
Matt threw up his hands. “Fuck you!”
I chuckled and asked, “How did we even get here again?”
From behind us, Joanna’s voice cut through. “You’ve been at it for two hours.” She leaned against the doorway with her arms crossed. “I’d call you losers, but you guys all somehow became famous and rich by doing this… nah, you’re still losers.”
“This is an important discussion,” I said with mock seriousness.
“Yes, very important,” Matt added, nodding emphatically. “How else could Batman even have contingency plans against Superman? What’s he gonna do? Make a deal with Darkseid? Doomsday?”
Joanna rolled her eyes and stepped closer, a laptop in hand. “Have you guys even looked at the reviews for your game yet?”
John shook his head quickly, holding his hands up as if warding her off. “Nope. Nope. I don’t want to.”
Joanna smirked. “Don’t be such a pussy, John.”
John shot back, “You were the same way when your album came out.”
“No, I wasn’t!” Joanna snapped defensively.
“Yes, you were,” the three of us said in unison.
Joanna let out a frustrated groan and thrust the laptop toward us. “Just look! IGN gave it a 9.”
John paused mid-protest, now intrigued. “Really?”
“Yeah,” Joanna said with a smug grin. “Only some Swedish reviewer gave it a 6 because he said it was ‘too hard.’”
John snatched the laptop from her hands and began scrolling through the reviews. “Alright, alright, let’s see what they’re saying.”
Meanwhile, Matt leaned over his shoulder, also interested. I watched them dive into the reviews and turned my attention to Joanna.
“So,” I began with a sly smile, “I saw that you met Taylor Swift.”
Joanna’s expression soured instantly. “Gonna be honest, Danny, she’s kind of a bitch.”
“Oh?” I said, leaning closer. “Do tell me everything.”
Joanna didn’t need much prompting. She launched into a rant, spilling all the juicy gossip as I listened, thoroughly entertained.
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IGN Tweet: "Our #DarkSouls review is live! A punishing yet rewarding experience. If you have the patience, you’ll find a gem."
Replies:
@Eldeiabl3: "Picked up Dark Souls after seeing the reviews. They weren’t kidding about the difficulty. I’ve died 12 times in the starting area. What is this??"
@Soleiona2: "9/10? Get out of here! It’s not even a 1. This game is trash."
@Wede31: "@Soleiona2 Probably didn’t even get out of the starting level, huh?"
@Soleiona2: "@Wede31 Yes, I didn’t. Because it’s shit."
@Candidpete: "Bruh, this game made me rage so hard I threw my controller through my TV."
@Niceguy33: "Why is this game so hard? I lost $60 and my sanity. I want a refund."
@IloveSally: "I’m going to sue Daniel Adler for emotional and mental damage. Who even makes games like this??"
@Addict101: "Can’t believe I wasted my money. This game isn’t 'rewarding'; it’s pure torture. I’d rather play Pong for 12 hours straight."
@Hadrinww3: "Y’all need to chill. The game is amazing if you actually learn how to play it."
@CSlevin: "@Hadrinww3 Learn how to play? It’s a game, not a life lesson. It’s supposed to be fun, not soul-crushing!"
@SaltLord2000: "Dark Souls is the reason my wife is leaving me. Thanks, Adler."
@Jenkinns23: "IGN gave this a 9/10? Did Daniel Adler pay you for this review? No one sane would give this game more than a 3."
@BrokenDreams92: "Dark Souls taught me two things: 1) I suck at games. 2) Life is unfair."
@Mainman: "Delete this review before more people waste their money. I’d rather set $60 on fire."
@IloveSally: "Seriously, though. Anyone know a good lawyer? Asking for me and my broken spirit."
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Dark Souls Is A Fraud – Don’t Buy This Game
I’ve been hyped for Dark Souls since the first E3 trailer dropped. The visuals, the combat—it all looked incredible. I was already sold when I saw Daniel Adler was involved. And I thought, “This is going to be the game of the year.”
But guess what? IT’S NOT. It’s a FRAUD.
Let me start by saying the graphics are amazing, and the combat mechanics look great in theory. But none of that matters because this game is designed to make you hate yourself. It took me THREE HOURS just to get out of the STARTING AREA. THREE. HOURS. And for what? To immediately die to the next thing I ran into.
Here’s the kicker: the game doesn’t tell you ANYTHING. No directions, no tutorial worth mentioning, NOTHING. It just dumps you into this gloomy world, and you’re expected to figure it out like some kind of mind reader. Do I go left? Right? Is there even a right direction? I don’t know, and the game sure as hell isn’t going to tell me.
And the enemies? They’re impossible. Even the weakest ones can kill you in seconds if you’re not paying attention. Blocking, dodging, attacking—it all feels clunky because you’re just spamming buttons and hoping for the best. And then there are the bosses. Oh boy, the bosses. I finally got out of the starting level and ran into this giant thing with a hammer, and it killed me in two hits. TWO HITS. How is this fun? Spoiler: it’s not.
The developers think they’re clever with this whole “figure it out yourself” approach, but it’s just lazy. I shouldn’t have to Google every five minutes to understand what the hell I’m supposed to do or where I’m supposed to go. It’s not a game; it’s a chore.
I feel scammed. Duped. Betrayed. The marketing sold me on this epic adventure, but what I got is a sadistic nightmare. I wanted a challenging game, not an unwinnable one.
So here’s my advice: DON’T BUY THIS GAME. Save yourself the frustration, the time, and the $60. Dark Souls is nothing but misery wrapped in a pretty package.
Edit: Yes, I know I suck at the game. Thanks for pointing it out, you geniuses. That doesn’t mean the game isn’t also bad.
Replies:
u/CabbageKing97 : "THANK YOU! I thought I was the only one losing my mind over this. I spent FOUR hours on that damn bridge with a dragon and skeletons, and every time I finally made progress, I got killed by something I didn’t see coming. Why can’t there just be a damn minimap or some quest markers? Games are supposed to be fun, not this."
u/RetroSoup99: "Man, I feel this post in my soul. I’ve been stuck on that armored knight dude for DAYS. DAYS. I don’t even know if I’m going the right way because the game doesn’t tell you. It’s like being lost in a maze with killer traps at every corner."
u/WaffleWarrior24: "I actually love it. Yeah, it’s hard, but that’s the point. It feels like every victory is earned, you know? When I finally beat that gargoyle boss, I was literally screaming in my living room. It’s a breath of fresh air compared to the hand-holding in most games."
u/BigMoose420: "I hate how much I like this game. It’s frustrating as hell, but I can’t stop playing. Every time I rage-quit, I come back 30 minutes later because I can’t let it beat me. It’s like Stockholm syndrome."
u/SassyFrodo13: "OP, I feel your pain, but this game is my jam. It’s brutal, sure, but it doesn’t treat you like a baby. It forces you to learn, to adapt. It’s not just a game; it’s an EXPERIENCE. You’ll hate it at first, but when you finally ‘get it,’ you’ll love it."
u/ToasterBeard82: "Can’t believe people are defending this. The ‘no directions’ thing is just lazy game design. If I wanted to spend hours figuring out where to go, I’d play hide-and-seek IRL. Games are supposed to be fun, not a test of my patience."
u/CrustyBanana81: "Played for 20 minutes, died 15 times, uninstalled. Never again."
u/CloudyPenguin94: "The people defending this game are masochists. Plain and simple. Who enjoys spending hours dying over and over again?"
u/EdgelordSupreme69: "GET GOOD."
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Post by the same user a month later
I Get It Now
Alright. I’ll admit it—I was one of the haters. A month ago, I came here, screaming about how hard this game was, how unfair it felt, and how there were no damn directions. I was frustrated, angry.
But now? Now, I see it.
Dark Souls isn’t just a game—it’s an experience. The story isn’t spoon-fed to you; it’s hidden in every little detail, waiting for you to uncover it. The combat isn’t unfair; it’s precise, demanding you to actually get good and think about every move. Every death felt like the game mocking me at first, but now I realize it was teaching me. Slowly. Brutally.
And let me tell you... after hours upon hours of trying to kill Ornstein and Smough—those bastards—I finally did it. I actually yelled out loud when they went down. And the reward? Gwynevere. Her grace. Her beauty. Her... giant tits. Worth. Every. Second.
I was so wrong about this game. It’s not just about the challenge—it’s about overcoming it. It’s about the triumph. It’s about the journey.
Thank you, Dark Souls. I see the beauty now. I’ll never doubt you again. Praise the sun!
Replies:
u/GoldenChalice:
"Welcome, brother. You’ve been enlightened. You’ve gotten good. Praise the sun!"
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Struggling with Flamlurker? Here’s How to Beat the Hardest Boss in the Game
So, you’ve made it to Flamlurker—aka Pain Incarnate, aka Why Did I Even Buy This Game. If you’re here, you’ve probably been melted into ash a dozen times already. You need to beat him to advance further into Izalith, so sadly, you can’t skip him. Flamlurker might be fast, brutal, and seemingly unfair, but with the right strategy, you can take him down.
Prepare Your Gear
Fire Resistance is Key: Equip anything with high fire resistance. Look for armor sets like the Firewalker Plate or Emberhide Cloak. Rings like the Flameguard Ring can significantly reduce fire damage.
Weapons: Use a melee weapon with good reach, like a spear or longsword. If you’re a caster, high-damage cold spells like Ice Spear or Frostbite are your best friends. Flamlurker hates the cold.
Consumables: Stock up on healing items and spells like Flame Ward. You’ll need every edge you can get.
Upgrade Your Gear
Flamlurker doesn’t mess around. Make sure your weapons and armor are upgraded as much as possible. Every bit of extra defense and damage makes a difference.
Level Up Wisely
Focus on Vitality and Endurance. You need to tank hits and have enough stamina to roll, attack, and survive.
Learn His Moves
If you’re struggling, watch some fight videos online to familiarize yourself with his patterns. Half the battle is knowing what’s coming.
Phase 1: Controlled Chaos
As soon as you enter the arena, Flamlurker will rush you. Don’t panic. Panic is death.
Keep Your Distance: Kite him around the edges of the arena while studying his moves. His leaping attack is telegraphed by a roar—roll sideways just as he leaves the ground.
Wait for Openings: His two-hit claw combo leaves a brief window. Dodge through the second swipe and land 1–2 hits before retreating.
Stay Mobile: Never stop moving. His AoE ground slam can hit you even from behind. Stay in motion to avoid being cornered.
Phase 2: The Heat Turns Up
At 50% health, Flamlurker levels up into Pure Chaos Mode with faster attacks, more fire, and a penchant for destruction.
Roll Toward Fireballs: Rolling away from his fireballs will get you nuked. Roll toward him to minimize damage and stay close for counterattacks.
Beware of AoE Attacks: Flamlurker uses his fiery ground slam more often. When he rears up, back away quickly to avoid the explosion.
Manage Your Stamina: Don’t spam dodges or attacks. Always keep enough stamina for an emergency roll—Flamlurker punishes stamina breaks mercilessly.
Cheese Tactics (If All Else Fails)
Magic Spam: Stand near the entrance and use spells like Frostbite or Magic Missile. Bait his charge, retreat, and spam from a safe distance. Cowardly? Yes. Effective? Also yes.
Archery: Bring a bow and a ton of arrows. Stay just out of his range and chip away at his health. Slow and steady wins the race.
Summons: If you’re online, summon help. Flamlurker struggles to focus when there are multiple players dividing his attention.
Good luck. And as always: Praise the Sun!
Replies:
"Took me 4 hours to beat him, but when I finally did, I screamed so loud my neighbor knocked on my door. Worth it."
"GET GOOD. (Seriously though, this guide helped me a ton!)"
"Bro, just bait his leap attack and keep Frostbite ready. You’re welcome."
"Flamlurker made me cry, but now he’s dead, and I’m thriving."
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I was forced to stand on a desk to give a speech at Arcanum Studios. The entire team was gathered in the main office. We were riding the high of Dark Souls’ grand success—it came quicker than I expected.
After a slow start, the game had caught fire, and calling it a success would be an understatement—it was a phenomenon. Memes, word of mouth, and relentless discussions online had propelled it to the stratosphere. Despite its difficulty, or perhaps because of it, the title had cemented itself in the cultural zeitgeist.
Peter, one of the lead developers, grinned up at me, his voice rising above the celebratory chatter. "Speech! Speech!"
The team echoed his chant, and I had no choice but to oblige. "Alright, alright," I said, holding up my hands. "We did it."
Cheers erupted before I could say another word. I smiled, waiting for the noise to die down.
"It took a lot of sleepless nights, a lot of blood, and a lot of sweat, but we made it. Arcanum Studios is now on the lips of gamers worldwide. Sure, some of them are cursing us, but hey—that was expected."
The room broke into laughter, and I continued. "We’ve earned their trust, but we can’t rest on our laurels. Now that we’re here, we have to keep making games of this caliber. If we do that, we’ll not only stay relevant, but we’ll also join the league of the greats. We’ve proven ourselves with Dark Souls. Now..." I paused for effect, letting the anticipation build.
"Let’s make Dark Souls 2."
The room exploded in cheers and applause. I stepped down from the desk, and John was the first to approach, pulling me into a hug.
"We did it," he said, his voice tinged with disbelief and pride.
"Of course we did," I said, clapping him on the back. "Now we just have to make the next one even bigger and better."
John groaned, though his smile didn’t falter. "And so it begins again."
I chuckled. "That’s how it is, my friend. That’s how it is."
Comments
Illusiveone
Been on a binge of his videos.
Foxzen27
Love the solid JJ reference
Illusiveone
I wrote it, but it didn’t turn out the way I wanted.
The Great Gasby
Makes since I thought it was early 2010s in the story st this point
BaldRhaegar
JustinTV still at this time probably
The Great Gasby
Would've been funny if you added streamers in the reviews is twitch in this universe?
