Illusiveone
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167: Redoing my Life, The Batman pt.2
🕑 Added 2025-02-07 06:08:47 +0000 UTCI will post Part 3 today as soon as I finish my errands and complete the editing. The Modern Family part was originally much shorter. The next chapter will feature reactions from the internet and box office numbers.
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“Hey, don’t take that!” Haley said as she caught sight of her sister reaching for the bag of gummy bears on the kitchen counter.
Alex froze, her fingers just inches from the bag. “Why not?” she asked suspiciously, raising an eyebrow.
Haley quickly walked over, snatching up the packet before Alex could take one. “Because they’re mine,” she said defensively.
Alex crossed her arms. “I was just going to take one.”
Haley shook her head. “Well, you can’t. They’re... um... special gummy bears.”
Alex’s eyes widened. “Wait. You just leave that kind of thing lying around?” she asked in disbelief.
Haley waved a hand dismissively. “I kinda forgot where I put them. I’ve been looking for them all day.”
Alex shook her head, muttering something about irresponsibility, before walking away.
Satisfied that the crisis was averted, Haley took the gummy bear packet and walked towards the living room. Distracted by a text on her phone, she absentmindedly placed the bag on the small table by the stairs before settling onto the couch.
====
A few minutes later, Phil came down the stairs, adjusting his jacket. “Haley, are you coming with us?” he asked as he entered the living room.
Haley glanced up from her phone. “I already saw the movie, Dad.”
Phil sighed and shook his head. “Okay, fine. But try not to fight with Alex while we’re gone.”
“Uh, I’m not in high school anymore, Dad. I’m in college. I have a job,” Haley said, rolling her eyes.
Phil nodded. “Right, right. Well, don’t burn the house down,” he joked, then asked, “Did your mom call?”
“Oh yeah, she did,” Haley said, suddenly remembering. “She said the doctor’s appointment is done, and she and Luke will pick up Gloria and Manny and meet you at the cinema.”
“Great. Alright, see you later,” Phil said, turning toward the door. But as he was about to leave, something caught his eye.
“Oh,” he muttered, spotting the bag of gummy bears on the table. Without thinking twice, he grabbed a couple and walked out of the house.
=====
Phil arrived at the movie theater, spotting Mitchell near the entrance.
“I got the tickets,” Mitchell said, holding up the small stack as Phil walked up to him.
“Great,” Phil replied as they walked inside and found a spot to sit. As they waited for Claire and the others to arrive, Phil absentmindedly reached into his pocket, feeling the gummy bears he had taken earlier. He popped one into his mouth before holding the other out to Mitchell.
“Want one?” Phil asked.
Mitchell took it without much thought, tossing it into his mouth. He chewed for a moment, then frowned. “This tastes weird.”
“Yeah... yeah, it does,” Phil admitted, smacking his lips. “Maybe it’s some new brand or something?”
Mitchell shrugged. “Maybe.”
Phil glanced around. “Is Cam not coming?”
Mitchell sighed. “No. Cam and I are kind of in the middle of a fight.”
Phil’s eyebrows shot up. “Oh no. What happened?”
Mitchell exhaled, rubbing his temple. “My team’s head is leaving the company soon, and I want that job. So, I’ve been... maneuvering politically in the office, working a lot more, putting in extra hours.”
Phil nodded. “Why don’t you just ask Daniel to make you the boss?”
Mitchell scoffed. “No way. That would be completely unethical. I already have people in the office thinking I got this job just because I know him.”
Phil waved a hand. “What? That is poppycock.”
“Yeah, well, my rival at the office wants the job, too,” Mitchell said, rolling his eyes. “And we’ve been... competing.”
Phil leaned in. “Ooooh, workplace drama.”
Mitchell sighed. “You wouldn’t believe it. He straight-up told me to my face that I ‘don’t have what it takes’ and that I should ‘watch my back.’”
Phil gasped. “What a butthole!”
“Thank you!” Mitchell said, shaking his head.
Phil suddenly blinked a few times, swaying slightly. “Do you feel... weird?”
Mitchell frowned, shifting uncomfortably. “Actually... yeah, I’m feeling a little off.” He rubbed his arms. “Like... tingly?”
Just then, they spotted Claire, Luke, Gloria, and Manny walking toward them, chatting amongst themselves.
“Come on, we’re already late,” said Luke as he took the tickets from Mitchell’s hand.
Claire looked at them both, her eyes narrowed. “Are you two alright?”
“We’re fine. Fine. Totally fine,” Phil said quickly, nodding a little too much.
“Fine. Fine. Fine,” Mitchell echoed, blinking rapidly.
“Oookay... let’s go, then,” Claire said as they followed her, Gloria, Luke, and Manny into the movie hall.
====
They found their seats, and soon the movie began.
Sitting side by side, Phil and Mitchell’s eyes were wide, their postures a little too relaxed as they stared at the screen.
Claire, who was sitting next to Phil, leaned in and whispered, “The movie’s kind of slow to start. Where’s all that action you said there was?”
Phil, his eyes locked on the screen with a dreamy expression, replied in a slow, overly enunciated voice, “What do you mean? This is great. It’s like... I’m there.”
Mitchell frowned, looking around the theater. “Has the movie even started yet?” he whispered. “Why are we just sitting here?”
Phil suddenly let out a soft giggle—and didn’t stop.
On screen, Bruce Wayne’s parents had just been shot in the alley. The theater was silent, the tragic music swelling. And yet, Phil was chuckling, his body lightly shaking.
A few people turned to look at him, confused and slightly annoyed.
“Shhh!” Claire hissed.
Mitchell, however, was still completely lost. “I feel like we’ve been sitting here forever. Why aren’t they playing the movie?”
Claire gave him a look. “Mitchell. It’s playing.”
Mitchell gasped dramatically, whispering, “No way.”
The movie continued, and as the story unfolded, their state only got worse. Mitchell kept glancing around, convinced nothing was happening. Phil, meanwhile, kept randomly laughing at the most serious scenes, earning more and more suspicious looks from fellow moviegoers.
Then, suddenly, the lights came on.
Intermission.
Mitchell perked up immediately. “Finally, it begins!” he said, straightening in his seat.
Then he noticed something strange: people were standing up and walking out.
His face paled. “Wait... why are they leaving?!” His breath hitched. “Oh no. They hate it.” His eyes darted around frantically. “Poor Daniel... This is going to break his heart.”
“Don’t leave!” Mitchell called to the people walking out.
Phil gasped as the realization hit him. He gripped Mitchell’s arm, his lower lip trembling. “He can’t know about this...” His voice wavered. He paused for a moment, then blurted out, “Why did Haley have to break up with him?”
Mitchell turned to him, utterly confused. “Wait, what?”
Phil sniffled. “That poor boy!”
Claire, who had been talking to Gloria, Luke, and Manny, finally turned toward them.
“Phil,” she said, “go buy some more popcorn and drinks.”
Phil nodded aggressively. “Yes. Good idea. Popcorn.” He stood up, a little unsteady on his feet. “Popcorn... and drinks.”
Mitchell suddenly gasped as he stood up too. “I have to call Daniel.”
====
Phil and Mitchell stumbled out into the theater lobby, the bright lights making them squint.
Mitchell had his phone pressed against his ear, frantically talking. Phil, meanwhile, blinked at the crowd. His eyes suddenly landed on something.
“Oh, popcorn,” he mumbled to himself. He shuffled toward the concession stand and got in line, swaying slightly.
After a moment, Mitchell sprinted over, panicking, and grabbed Phil’s arm. “Phil! You have to help me!”
Phil looked at him, confused. “What? What’s wrong?”
Mitchell gulped. “Xander wasn’t kidding when he told me to watch my back! He sent someone to kill me!”
Phil’s eyes widened. “Wait, who is Xander?”
“My rival! The guy I told you about! You were right! He was threatening me!” Mitchell’s words came out in rushed whispers.
Phil looked around. “Okay, okay—where is this assassin?”
Mitchell subtly pointed behind him. “There!”
Phil turned his head slightly and spotted a man in a suit standing near the entrance of the movie hall they had just left, his gaze locked onto them. He looked scary.
Phil gasped dramatically. “Oh my God. We have to get out of here!” He grabbed Mitchell’s hand and bolted, dragging him away from the concession stand.
They ran through the crowded lobby, weaving between groups of moviegoers. Finally, they ducked behind a large promotional cutout of The Batman poster, pressing themselves against the wall. They stood there for what seemed like hours.
Phil panted, peeking out. “Okay. We stay here until he leaves.”
Mitchell, still hyperventilating, shook his head. “We’re going to miss the movie!”
Mitchell let out a strangled gasp. “Daniel will know we didn’t watch it! What if he gets mad? What if he doesn’t give me the promotion because he knows I missed it? What if this was Xander’s plan all along?! Maybe he doesn’t want me to watch the movie! Maybe that’s his play!”
Phil grabbed Mitchell’s shoulders and shook him lightly. “Mitchell. Then we have to watch the movie.” His face turned serious. “We need to get back without him seeing.”
Mitchell nodded, his panic temporarily overridden by their newfound mission.
They peeked around the corner, scanning the area. No sign of the man. They crouched low, sneaking their way past the arcade machines and the soda refill station. They were almost there.
Then, as they turned the corner—
“AHHH!”
Phil yelped as he came face-to-face with the man in the suit.
Without thinking, Mitchell punched him square in the face.
The man let out a surprised “oof” and stumbled backward, hitting the floor.
Phil and Mitchell froze for a moment.
Then—
“YES!” they both cheered, high-fiving each other.
“Quick! Let’s go!” Phil shouted.
They sprinted down the hallway and into the movie hall doors—
Only to see a wave of people walking out.
Mitchell’s face paled. “No. No, no, no. We’re too late. It’s over.” He clutched his head. “Oh my God. I’m going to get fired.”
Phil put a hand on his shoulder. “Mitchell, breathe.”
Mitchell inhaled sharply and plopped down on the floor, completely defeated.
Phil sighed and sat down next to him. “I didn’t even get to buy popcorn for Claire,” he lamented.
As they sat there, Claire walked out of the movie hall.
“Claire!” Phil and Mitchell both yelled at the same time, scrambling to their feet.
Claire furrowed her brow. “What are you two doing?”
Phil hesitated before quickly blurting out, “Sorry! We—we missed the movie, and I didn’t get the popcorn, and—”
Claire looked at them like they were insane. “Missed the movie? You’ve been gone for like two minutes.”
Phil and Mitchell froze.
“What? But we were chased by an assassin! We’ve been out here for hours!” Phil said.
Mitchell looked around, his senses slowly returning.
Behind them, lying flat on the floor, was a cutout of Liam Neeson’s Ra’s al Ghul in a dark suit.
“Oh,” Mitchell said in realization.
A security guard approached. “We got a report about a disturbance out here.” He eyed the cutout on the floor, then looked at Phil and Mitchell suspiciously.
“We don’t know anything about that,” Mitchell said quickly.
The security guard raised an eyebrow, then looked back at Claire for confirmation.
Claire sighed. “They were with me. We just came out to get some drinks.”
The guard nodded, seemingly satisfied, and walked away.
Claire turned back to them, arms crossed. “I don’t know what’s going on, and honestly, I don’t want to know.” She shook her head and pointed toward the concession stand. “I’m getting popcorn and drinks. You two, go inside and sit down before you embarrass yourselves any more.”
Phil and Mitchell both nodded quickly, rushing back into the movie hall.
As they walked back to their seats, Mitchell leaned over to Phil. “That was not a normal gummy bear.”
Phil nodded. “Yes… yes, I think so too.”
The movie started again.
Mitchell and Phil, still feeling the lingering effects of whatever that gummy bear was, remained mostly quiet—aside from the occasional whispered “Wow.”
The film played out, every major moment met with gasps, cheers, and murmurs of appreciation from the audience. By the time the final scene ended, Claire turned to her side and whispered, “What a movie.”
But when she looked over—
Phil and Mitchell were both completely asleep, heads tilted back, mouths slightly open.
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Daniel’s POV
YouTube Title: “Two High Idiots at the Movies”
The Video is Security camera footage.
15:32:17 – Phil casually walks up to the concession stand, humming to himself as he gets in line for popcorn.
15:32:24 – Mitchell enters the frame, looking around wildly. He spots Phil, rushes up to him, grabs his arm, and urgently whispers something in his ear. Phil’s eyes widen in shock as they both stare at a Liam Neeson cutout.
15:32:35 – The two suddenly sprint away from the concession stand, dodging between confused moviegoers. Several people turn their heads, watching them in confusion as they duck behind a promotional stand.
15:32:46 – They peek around the edge of the stand, scanning the area. A young couple walks past, eyeing them suspiciously. Mitchell presses his back against the wall, whispering furiously to Phil, who nods as though he completely understands the gravity of the situation.
15:32:58 – Phil and Mitchell crouch and attempt to sneak their way across the lobby, moving comically slowly, convinced they are being stealthy.
15:33:05 – A woman in her 50s stops walking and simply stares at them as they shuffle awkwardly past her.
15:33:08 – A teenager points at them and laughs.
15:33:12 – Phil bumps into the life-sized Liam Neeson-as-Ra’s-al-Ghul cardboard cutout.
15:33:14 – Mitchell lets out a panicked yelp and, without hesitation, punches the cutout square in the face. The entire thing flops to the floor.
15:33:16 – Phil and Mitchell cheer and high-five each other.
15:33:30 – They reach the entrance to the theater hall, only to see a wave of people exiting.
15:33:35 – Mitchell dramatically grabs Phil’s shoulders, looking utterly devastated. Phil pats his back comfortingly.
15:33:45 – They both slump down to the floor, sitting side by side in complete and utter defeat.
15:34:01 – Claire enters the frame.
15:34:05 – Mitchell and Phil instantly leap to their feet, nearly knocking each other over.
=====
Voicemail from Mitchell to Daniel
Voicemail begins…
“Hey, Daniel… It’s Mitchell. So, uh… listen, first of all, I just want to say that—no matter what happens—we can get through this, okay? I know it’s rough right now. Things might look bad, but hey! A lot of great movies didn’t do well in theaters! Some of them found their audience later! DVDs are still a thing, right? Like, people still buy those? Streaming! Yes! Maybe the movie will do great on streaming. You have a great relationship with Netflix. No, wait—you own Netflix? Or do you own Netflix? I don’t remember. What I’m saying is that we’ll just… we’ll just pretend that was the plan all along. No shame in that! People love a good underdog story, and—”
There’s a pause. Some mumbling.
“We just have to stay positive! People love Batman! They love you! You’re the golden boy of Hollywood right now. It’s fine, it’s totally fine. Just breathe, Mitchell, just breathe—oh wait, I’m talking to myself. Okay.”
Another pause. Heavy breathing.
“Okay, listen, I need to talk to you about something else. You know how I want to be the head of your legal team, right? I mean, obviously, I should be. Xander? He’s not good, Daniel. He’s just not. He doesn’t have what it takes to handle what’s coming. I don’t know what’s coming, but something’s coming, and he’s not ready. I am. I see the bigger picture. I think ahead. I—”
Suddenly, Mitchell gasps loudly.
“Oh my God, Daniel. Xander sent someone to kill me.”
“Daniel, tell Cam I love him.”
The voicemail picks up the sound of hurried footsteps, rustling fabric, and frantic breathing. Then Phil’s voice is heard in the background.
Phil’s voice: “Okay. We stay here until he leaves.”
Mitchell’s voice: “We’re going to miss the movie!”
Mitchell again: “Daniel will know we didn’t watch it! What if he gets mad? What if he doesn’t give me the promotion because he knows I missed it? What if this was Xander’s plan all along?! Maybe he doesn’t want me to watch the movie! Maybe that’s his play!”
Phil: “Mitchell. Then we have to watch the movie. We need to get back without him seeing.”
There are more running sounds. A loud thud, followed by shuffling sounds.
Phil: “We got him!”
The voicemail finally cuts off.
=====
“Well, that explains the video,” I said as I sat on the couch, playing the voicemail from Mitchell on my phone while the viral video of two guys at the movies played on Margot’s laptop.
“They seem…” I began.
“High,” Margot finished for me, casually munching on a bag of chips, barely holding in her laughter.
“You should really give that man the promotion after that heartfelt call,” she said.
“Oh yeah, definitely,” I replied.
