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Team Necromancer Text Exchange
🕑 Added 2023-07-01 21:53:21 +0000 UTCI wanted to post something new and fun this week, but I've been too overloaded to do an entire chapter. And honestly, I'm glad I did this? The text exchanges are so fun and this one does a call back to one of my favorites. (If you haven't read the Build-a-Bear Incident, you can do so HERE, which might be easier than going back through the posts.) Enjoy! --Lish
Birthday Surprise Text Exchange
Ramon: I’ve been putting a surprise together for James’ birthday.
Sam: Wait, its James’ birthday?
Ramon: He won’t tell me when it is, so I made one up.
Sam: Totally normal thing to do.
Ramon: Anyway, I had this great idea—I was going to train Taco to jump out of a cake.
Sam: That is…why would you do that?
Ramon: James will be in awe.
Sam: James will be in shock. That’s not the same thing.
Ramon: It will be adorable! We can put a party hat on him!
Sam: He will eat the entire cake, then zoomie about the house all looped out on sugar. We do not want Taco to zoomie.
Ramon: It wasn’t going to be a real cake.
Sam: This just keeps getting weirder and weirder. What’s worse is I’m pretty sure that out of the two of us, you’re the smart one.
Ramon: And the handsome one.
Sam: Smoking hot. I bring nothing to the table.
Ramon: Aww, don’t say that. You do that fun thing with the ghosts. People love that.
Sam: They do not, but thanks.
Sam: So what’s the problem with Taco?
Ramon: He keeps eating the cake.
Sam: I thought you said it wasn’t a real cake?
Ramon: It’s not a real cake. I made it out of cardboard and glue.
Sam: Oh no.
Ramon: At least it wasn’t the finished cake. That would have had paint and glitter.
Sam: Ooooh, James hates glitter.
Ramon: It gets everywhere.
Sam: Is Taco okay?
Ramon: He had a stomachache for about ten minutes, belched, and then tried to eat more of the “cake.”
Sam: I don’t think chupacabras are very trainable. They’re like raccoons or possums.
Ramon: Or Brooke.
Sam: I’m going to tell her you said that.
Ramon: Don’t. She scares me.
Sam: A little fear is a good thing. It keeps you alive.
Ramon: If I can’t train Taco, I guess it’s back to the drawing board. What am I going to do with a tiny, cardboard glitter cake?
Sam: Oh no.
Ramon: What?
Sam: I’ve had a terrible idea.
Ramon: Is it the gnomes? Because I already had that idea and it involved sequin nipple pasties, thongs and the Milkshake Song. I think the gnomes would be down, but I want James irritated, not homicidal.
Sam: …
Sam: …well, thank you for THAT mental image.
Ramon: I’m not sorry.
Sam: I wasn’t thinking of the gnomes anyway.
Ramon: Then what?
Sam: Do you think my sisters still have the bear they built?
Ramon: Salty bear?
Sam: SALTY BEAR.
Ramon: *hisses* yesssssss.
*later*
James: I would like to thank you both for the thoughtful gift.
Sam: Are you being sarcastic?
Ramon: I can barely tell if he’s being sarcastic when he’s in the room with me, but over text?
Sam: Impossible. James, use an emoji or something.
James: I would never. How dare you.
Sam: They need to create sarcasm font. I keep saying this.
James: I’m being sincere. Thank you for the gift.
Ramon: I don’t know what to do with sincerity.
Sam: It feels like a trap.
Ramon: So you’re…happy…with Salty Bear?
James: I’m humbled. A sentient necromantic creation? One in a million. A true honor.
Sam: …you’re welcome?
Ramon: Yeah. Happy birthday?
James: I will certainly keep this in mind when your birthdays come around again.
*
Haley: My brother just went white as a sheet and he’s muttering your name. What did you do?
James: Just giving myself an early birthday present.
Haley: Pretty sure he’s shitting himself.
James: Happy birthday to me.
Haley: Your birthday isn’t for six months.
James: A half birthday present, then.
Haley: Fair enough. How can I help?
James: Come plot with me. I need a stage two. I have a foul-mouthed stuffed bear and a desire to up the ante.
Haley: Let’s teach him sea shanties and have him sneak into their bedrooms at three in the morning.
James: …
James: You are diabolical.
Haley: Too much?
James: It’s perfect. I need you.
Haley: It’s a little unfair, us against them. Should we feel bad?
James: They started it.
Haley: Still…
James: I have snacks.
Haley: Be there in ten minutes.
James: *heart emoji*
