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Team Sam Text Convo
🕑 Added 2022-11-26 02:14:48 +0000 UTCEnjoy! -Lish
Pre-Gaming Thanksgiving
James: My phone has been suspiciously silent.
Sam: How so?
Ramon: Aww, are you sad that I haven’t been sending you sweet nothings this morning? Or pictures of pie?
James: Usually this is about the time one of you messages me to tell me Taco ate the turkey, or the gnomes did something horrible.
Sam: We do have a bit of a reputation, it’s true.
James: But the turkey is in the oven. The vegetarian roast is cooking, the sides are prepped and ready.
Sam: And once again the dining room looks like Pinterest had a baby with Martha Stewart. Those are Brooke’s words, not mine.
Ramon: Yeah, I’ve been meaning to ask, why do our plates have their own slightly larger plates? Are they lonely?
James: They’re called chargers.
Ramon: Why do they exist? To be pretty? Are they the Ramon of plates?
Sam: Awww, you bring more to the table than that, hot stuff.
Ramon: Thanks, Gorgeous.
James: They’re supposed to help keep the meal warm as well as protect the table from hot dishes.
Ramon: …and?
James: *sighs* and to look pretty.
Sam: They are very pretty.
Ramon: Let me get this straight, though—you’re upset because everything is fine?
James: I don’t trust it.
Sam: I actually totally get this. It’s suspiciously quiet.
Ramon: Oooh, yeah, like when you’re watching little kids and all of a sudden there’s no noise. It’s ominous.
Sam: Maybe I should check on the gnomes.
James: Please do.
Sam: Okay, I’ve got a classic good news, bad news situation.
James: Wait, let me get the antacids.
Ramon: See, this is why I got you the jumbo container for your birthday. You really go through those.
Sam: I can’t imagine why.
Ramon: I should get some more for James’ stocking.
James: Okay. I’m ready.
Sam: So, the good news is that the gnomes weren’t quiet because they were causing trouble. The bad news is they already caused the trouble. They found the root beer.
James: Oh god.
Ramon: Why is this bad? Don’t they get into root beer all the time? It’s part of their pay, right?
Sam: James got them a keg for the holidays. They drank all of it. In one morning. Or possibly last night.
James: I got them two kegs. I knew I should have waited, but the brewery gave me a discount for ordering early…
Sam: Well, from the looks of the place, I would guess they got into both kegs.
James: I’m going to need more antacids.
Sam: We’re going to need a hose and a wet vac. And possibly a priest. Do priests still do exorcisms?
Sam: Who would have thought the gnomes to have had so much puke in them?
Ramon: If you’re misquoting Macbeth, it must be bad.
Sam: I’m laughing and crying. And taking incriminating photos.
James: Which room did they destroy?
Ramon: Incriminating photos do nothing. The gnomes have no shame.
Sam: The gnome barracks. And the incriminating photos are for Frank.
James: We haven’t finished construction on the gnome barracks. The inside isn’t finished!
Sam: Which is good. It will be easier to clean.
Ramon: The gnome barracks will be the new party house. How bad off is Frank?
Sam: For some reason Frank has a beanbag chair duct taped to his stomach.
Sam: Which is a real shame considering he’s naked.
Ramon: Ooooh, that tape is going to hurt coming off.
Sam: Yup.
Ramon: Wait, if they were drinking root beer, why is Frank passed out?
Sam: He got into someone’s cider.
James: …Frank drank my cider?
Ramon: Oh, boy.
Sam: Frank is a dead man.
James: Okay, we’ll need to divide and conquer. Ramon, deal with Frank. Sam will hose off the gnomes outside before we let them into the house to bathe.
Sam: Dude, it’s 40 degrees out.
James: I don’t care. Company will be here in an hour, and I will not have them be greeted by the gnome version of the Hangover.
Ramon: Harsh, but fair.
James: Once they’re clean, they can scrub down the barrack floors.
Ramon: Aren’t you afraid to give the gnomes access to both a hose and a wet vac?
James: It’s their barracks. If they destroy it, then they have to live with it. But we can have Brook supervise them.
Sam: I’ll tell Brooke.
James: In the meantime, I need you to send me the photo of Frank.
Ramon: What are you going to do with it?
James: I’m going to get an oil painting rendition of it done and frame it. We’ll hang it in the barracks.
Sam: I can’t tell if that’s going too far or not.
James: My cider was labeled, Sam. It literally had my name on it. It was a special batch from a local brewery, and I was saving it for dinner tonight to share with our guests.
Ramon: Yeah, Frank’s lucky you’re not printing flyers of it and handing it out at the door.
Sam: We could tuck it under the chargers.
James: You will do no such thing.
Ramon: Fiiiiiine.
James: Enough. We have a lot of gnomes to hose down and a limited amount of time to do it.
Ramon: Not a sentence you read every day.
James: And now I’m out of antacids. I’ll see if Haley can bring some over.
Ramon: I’m definitely getting you some for your stocking. Santa’s got you covered, baby.
Frank: Does anyone know why I’m duct taped to a beanbag chair? Or where we got a beanbag chair?
Ramon: I don’t know, but we’re going to have fun finding out.
Comments
Thank you!
Love...just...ALL OF THIS! You're so, so good at capturing the hilarious chaos of Sam's household, family, and friends : )
This is good because I like writing James. 😂 He’s just really fun to put into situations that I KNOW will drive him batty and see how he reacts.
Erica
I've finally FINALLY caught up on all the chapters you've posted of BTLN and the text convos, and I need to restate for the record how much I love James.
