MarvinKnight
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Amazon Apocalypse (Rewrite): Chapter 1 version 2
🕑 Added 2022-10-03 01:35:18 +0000 UTCAlright guys, I'm sick of trying to figure out which chapter 1 you guys would like better, so I'm making you decide! I narrowed things down to these two, but I might do one more rewrite depending on what you guys say.
If you could, please read this version and tell me which of the chapter 1's is better! Thank you!
Original Chapter 1 here for comparison.
Amazon Apocalypse: Chapter 1
There's nothing special about me. Born in a small town to average parents of little means, I grew up in a public school getting above average grades but compensating with below average athletics. With average build and average height, I was quite an ordinary specimen of humanity throughout my youth. That was something a friend of mine liked to remind me of a little too often to be normal.
"Human! I have come from a distant world to study you and your kind! And you, as a completely average human, shall be the basis of my studies!" Myrina proudly announced.
I wasn't really sure why she took a liking to me. I knocked on her door a few times so she wouldn't miss the school bus, and I helped her out now and again with her homework, but all in all I hadn't done anything particularly out of the ordinary.
Unlike me, Myrina was a very exceptional girl. Her grades were abysmal, but every sport she tried her hand at she ended up as the best on the team. She should have been the pride of the entire school, but her odd personality had most of the other kids shooting each other odd looks whenever she entered the room, usually with a twirl around the temple as they tried to avoid catching the crazy girl's attention.
Also unlike me, she was a remarkable specimen of a person. She hit her growth spurt before me and for a few years I was barely tall enough to reach to meet her chest at eye level.
"With each day, my power grows stronger!" She laughed whenever I brought the subject up. "With this strength, I will crush my enemies. And yours too, if you'll point me at them."
One day when we were kids playing in the mud, I made the mistake of trying to wrestle her. When we were in middle school, and I'd been certain puberty would finally give me a leg up on her. But nothing could have been further from the truth.
"Ha! Trapped you! Now you have to be my husband!" Myrina laughed as she held me down in the mud.
"Okay, okay. I suppose I'll surrender and agree to your terms." I laughed.
"Promise?"
"I promise. Now let me up."
"Okay." A moment later the two of us were sitting ankle-deep in a pile of mud, each covered in filth and with a grin on her face. She sighed, then leaned against me. "Since you promised, I have a secret to share with you. A secret about why I'm different from all the other girls."
"Isn't that what all the girls say?" I raised an eyebrow, but seriousness returned when I realized she wasn't joking.
"For real though. I'm not supposed to tell anyone about this. I'll probably get in a lot of trouble for telling you this, but you're worth it." She wrapped her hands around mine.
"Alright, what's this big secret of yours?"
"I'm a princess."
I couldn't help it. I burst out laughing. "A princess? Really?"
"It's true!" Myrina pouted.
"Alright, I believe you." I forced my laughter to subside. "What are you the princess of?"
"I'm a minor princess of a faction called the Amazonian Empire. It's a sprawling nation of powerful warrior women. We live on a vast world far from this one where magic is real and people everywhere posses incredible powers granted to them by an almighty entity we call the system. It's not too unlike the video games you've shown me. I suspect some of those were created by the system to prepare your world and its people for integration."
"Oh, an Amazonian princess," I nodded, as though finally believing her. It did seem to suit her a little better than being a regular princess. "And you... what? Keep keep harems of men locked away in palaces while you fight, despoil, and conquer?"
"The other way around. Most Amazonian clans are formed around a single man. His capabilities often determine how large a clan can be. Some never grow beyond a single member, but others can have dozens or even thousands. But that's besides the point. The real reason I'm here on your world because the Amazonian Empire knows you're going to be integrated soon. Your world has a lot of strange weapons we don't really understand, and your ways are stranger still. We're supposed to figure out whether we should ignore you, befriend you, or try to capture as many of you as we can."
"And what are your thoughts about Earth so far, your royal highness?" I grinned mockingly and gave her a clumsy bow.
"Capture!" She wrapped her arm around my shoulder. "Well. At least one capture. After that we can fight or befriend you or something. It really isn't my call to make. My aunt is writing the report for the clan, which will eventually make its way to the Council of Queens, who will decide our official policy."
I sensed a hole in her little flight of fancy, at least a hole as far as I thought these sorts of things were supposed to go.
"I don't think that's right. Princesses aren't supposed to do the capturing. They're the ones who get captured."
She frowned.
"It's true," I insisted. "Heck, since you're an Amazonian princess, maybe I'm an evil wizard! I'll capture you and lock you in my tower, using all my dastardly spells to unleash unspeakable horrors on you!"
"What kind of unspeakable horrors?" She leaned forward in interest. She'd always loved things a lot of other woman might find icky.
"Dunno. Maybe I'll think of something when I'm older."
***
A few years passed and I spoke to Myrina in passing. I wouldn't say we were really friends, but the girl was always the odd one out. Not being the most scientifically minded, she usually needed a partner in chemistry class who knew what he was doing. Nobody else was willing to volunteer, so I ended up swapping my schedule around so I could be in her class and keep her company.
We were good school friends, but as the days went by we drifted a little further apart. I couldn't help but feel she wasn't as close as we used to be, and I wasn't allowed over her house anymore. At least, not until one day, she invited me to her birthday party.
"Are you sure you want a guy over your house for a sleepover party?" I asked her. "And are your aunt is okay with this?"
"Definitely! Make sure you pack your things for a long trip! Plenty of changes of clothes, a toothbrush, and anything you would want if you were, say, being kidnapped by aliens and brought to another planet," Myrina explained.
"Ha ha, very funny," I chuckled. "Remember that time you told me you were an Amazon princess?"
"Yeah... what a funny joke." Myrina blushed. The day after she'd made that confession she took it all back. It had just been a silly joke, according to her. No matter how serious she seemed.
I accepted her weird apology. After all, I'd taken it to be a joke from the very beginning. But I was happy she seemed to be opening up to me again. Maybe we hadn't drifted apart after all. Truth be told, I was curious to see her house again, since it had been so long since I'd been allowed over. Her aunt had always given me a strange feeling.
I arrived an hour after school ended, and Myrina was sitting outside her house waiting for me with an anxious look on her face.
"He's here! He's here!" She shouted as she rushed inside to tell her aunt, who she'd already told me she was growing up with.
Their house looked surprisingly ordinary for such an odd family. It was a suburban dwelling with a small fenced in yard. It was painted and shingled the exact same colors as the houses next door. It had been new construction when they moved in, though after a few years of living there the house was starting to show wear. The lawn hadn't been mowed in ages, but the local home owners association had shown a little mercy for once, since they knew it was must Myrina and her aunt, neither of whom were particularly handy despite both being exceptionally athletic.
"Hi Myrina," I said as I entered the room. I looked around and saw nobody else there. "Am I the first to arrive?"
That was odd. I planned to arrive fashionably five minutes late, since I didn't want things to be too awkward with me and Myrina sitting in her room alone.
"Uh... about that," Myrina ran her fingers down her ponytail and wore a bashful look on her face. "You're the only one I invited. And this isn't actually a birthday party. It's a going away party."
"You're moving?"
"Yes. To a place very far away. And..." She took my hand in hers "I want you to come with us. I want you to live with me at my real home."
I looked at her and saw the anxious, nervous expression on her face. It pulled on my heart, and for a second I thought I really would go with this odd girl to wherever she planned on going.
"For how long?"
Myrina shrugged. "Honestly? Probably for the rest of your life."
"I... I'm flattered, Myrina, but I have a life and family here. Sorry."
Myrina's shoulders sagged. "My aunt said you'd say that."
"I'd be happy to keep in touch though!" I offered. "We can be pen pals. And when I finally save up for a car, maybe I can even drive over for a visit!"
That didn't seem to cheer Myrina up all that much. "I'm afraid it's going to be longer than that. You can't drive to where we're going."
"You're moving overseas?"
"Back home," Myrina replied. "To the Amazonian Empire."
"Ah..." More of the story about being an alien from another planet. "Nice one, Myrina. You almost had me there."
"I'm serious, Carter," Myrina said as she looked me dead in the eyes. "When I said I was joking before? I lied. My aunt made me take it all back when I told her what happened, but what I told you was the truth. I'm from the Amazonian Empire. And I want you to come back home with me. Something bad is going to happen to your planet over the next few years but if you--"
Myrina winced, body shaking as though she'd been hit with a lightning bolt.
She scrunched her eyes shut and waited for the pain to subside. "--come with me, I can--" She froze up again, clearly in pain once more.
"Myrina? What's wrong?" I asked, rushing up to her side.
"I guess I'm breaking the rules for spilling the beans on the coming apocalypse." Myrina tried to laugh it off, but I could tell she got shocked again.
"You're saying... you really are an alien?" I asked.
Myrina tried to nod, but instead all that came out was a wince. Whatever was working hard to prevent her from telling me any more.
What exactly was going on here?
I tried to prod at the subject without causing her any more pain. "I can't come with you, but maybe we can still be pen pals though? I mean, is there any reason I can't come and visit?"
Myrina seemed to suddenly have an idea, and her eyes darted back to her house behind her. "Hold on, let me get you something."
She turned and darted into her house. "Auntie! I need a Patronage Token! I know you have one left."
I heard a few muffled sounds from inside the house. Myrina's aunt was a big woman. Big enough that most who saw her thought she was some sort of body builder. I'd seen her a few times, but she always had an air of distance to her, like she was looking at an anthill and watching insects scurry about. I'd always found it a bit unnerving.
The woman emerged from deeper within the house, greeting me on the steps. She looked me up and down, a furrow on her brow. I took an involuntary step back when I saw her. She wasn't scary, per say. But something instinctual way back in the primitive lizard part of my brain told me I was standing before someone dangerous. Like I was a mouse looking at a cat. My eyes only saw a particularly fit woman staring at me with something between mild curiosity and no opinion at all.
"I suppose if you really want to, I can give him the token," Myrina's aunt shrugged as she glanced back at her niece. "But you know the odds of him making it through the apocalypse are tiny, don't you? And his odds of becoming strong enough to even survive the journey to the empire are equally tiny."
Myrina's voice was small, and her eyes downcast. "I know." Her gaze darted to me, then the coin her aunt held out. It was roughly the size of a sand dollar, and it had a small hole in the center presumably to be strung into a necklace. She presented the coin-shaped thing to me. "Here, take this Carter. Keep it close. When this world ends and the new one begins, I can use it to help you."
"Okay..." I accepted the coin awkwardly.
"If you complete the Patronage Quest, I'll be able to give a tutorial that will--" Myrina's voice was cut off by her aunt clamping a hand over her niece's mouth.
"I won't be punished by the system just so you can give your mortal boyfriend an unfair advantage," Myrina's aunt said. "Just wish him the best and say your goodbyes."
"...Bye Carter." Myrina wrapped her hands around my shoulders. "And try not to die on me."
"I promise to do my best..." I chuckled, still not really getting it. What was going on here? I thought Myrina gave up on her pretending to be an alien thing years ago?
"Step back please." Myrina's aunt waved me off the porch.
Shrugging, I took a few steps back.
All of a sudden, Myrina's house started to change. The paint started chipping, and soon the shingles on the roof were falling one by one. Vinyl peeled off the walls and cracked down the middle, like the entire house was expanding and bursting out of its own skin. Wooden beams within shattered and splintered one after another, and they tossed debris into the yard as they opened up cracks as wide as I was in the walls.
The house didn't collapse in on itself though. There was something inside Myrina's home, just within the walls. It shimmered a metallic purple, and the luster was unlike any metal I'd ever seen.
Then the thing inside the house lifted, and I realized I wasn't looking at a house at all. The purple metal vessel shrugged off the last of the home it had been disguised within, revealing a vessel shaped much like an airship. Staring at it, I spotted a figure waving at me from the window. It was Myrina, but she looked absolutely tiny, as though the ship was far bigger on the inside than it was outside.
From the look of it, the thing was some sort of ship. A space ship, like the kind a pair of genuine aliens might have.
What? How! Impossible!
Did this mean... Myrina was telling the truth all along?
I could hardly believe it.
But whether I believed it or not, there was a massive alien ship hovering in the air in front of me. The ship glowed with a bright purple light which grew and grew until I had to shield my eyes. My jaw dropped lower and lower, unable to contain my surprise even when the spaceship. A brilliant blue bubble sprang into existence around the ship. It flashed one last time, and a loud boom rang through the area like a jet breaking the speed of sound. Air rushed over me, whipping my hair backward. My arm was already in front of my face, and I winced as the skin there burned under sudden and intense heat.
Then all noise and light ceased. The wind went still, and the glow was gone, along with Myrina and the entire space ship. Just like that, they were gone.
Note:
So, this version of the intro is a little less humorous and a little more serious. Carter also has a bit more of a narrative voice in this version, whereas the other is a bit of a dryer direct recounting of events.
It also introduces the character Myrina. She'll show up in the story one way or another, but this intro version introduces her right at the beginning instead of later on.
My main concern is that it takes away a bit of the everyman feel I was trying to make Carter feel like. Meeting Myrina is more than a chance encounter in this version, she's a childhood friend.
What do you guys think? Do you prefer this intro or the older one? I probably won't go with either exactly as portrayed, but it's past time I really got started on story if I want to have it in editing before the end of the year.
Comments
Paul Birchenough
Original is best for me, I love the whole death by snoo snoo impersonality of the Amazons.
Warren James
I like this version. I am really interested in what he does next! hopefully he takes everything she said seriously now and jumps inot the quest thing....lol.
DiabolicalGenius
I never said he had to be a completely pure everyman without a single outstanding quality or anything, just enough to be relatable. Haremlit genre is chock-full of male leads who were incredible before they got powers/isekaid/apocalypsed. I'm tired of ex-military ice-road truckers who firefight part time and never miss a day in the gym, to assert how super manly they are. While the opposite extreme of japanese isekai protags who have no personality and no self-esteem and are entirely carried by cheats got old even before that. I just wanna see a relatable guy with a regular job who rises to the occasion when world goes to hell. He can be a competent guy who's good at his job with a good head on his shoulders in general. That's plenty for a respectable male lead without needing to overcompensate by making him a retired mercenary or something.......
Michael Jackson
I was thinking he could be primed after he gets the system of the princess like you would prime a fuel pump on a car so no special powers just joe average maybe a bit healthier or eating less say he doesnt get fat can put on muscle more easily or that he just doesnt get sick from anything etc but once apocalypse happens his body goes into overdrive and things every one else is finding hard he finds it intuitive like he knows things like his muscle memory and fighting tactics and as he progresses it becomes apparent hes a step up like a knight to a commoner, thats why hes gone a bit shelter mad in the mountains as he has a bad feeling about the coming apocalypse.
Loukemia
I feel the more everyman response would be for him to not prepare. For Carter to not believe what he saw but always have that doubt at the back of his mind of what if it was real. Your suggestion about him meeting Myrna in college might be a good blend of v1 and v2.
DiabolicalGenius
Always happy to provide feedback. Hope it helps!
Marvin
Yeah, I could try that in the next version. Age them up and still have Myrina and have their encounter be more by chance like the first one. I will mull this over for my next outline.
Marvin
Yeah, I could see that working. Though I’m afraid of making Carter too special.
DiabolicalGenius
I'm feeling a little conflicted. On the one hand I rather did like the everyman feel to ver1 and I also liked that it showed what made the male lead different from normal, as he actually chose to believe what happened rather than going to see a pychiatrist like most people would and then seriously prepared for what was coming. He was a guy who could be anyone, yet also proved he deserved the chance he'd been given and worked to make the most of it without much beyond the forewarning. On the other hand it WAS pretty tongue in cheek and felt kind of random that these amazons took a liking to him just because. Also felt odd that they seemed to do all their investigating through media alone and he seemed to be the only local they spoke to properly, despite being there to investigate. It could use a bit of polish. With ver2 however, I quite liked getting to know Myrina and made me much more invested in him getting to the point he can use the token and get in touch with her again, as opposed to three random amazons from ver1 who we know nothing about beyond them being hot, fit and fun. None of them really lingered in my mind after the prologue in the first draft. On the downside though as you mentioned, it does detract a fair bit from the everyman feeling which I rather liked. For me system apocalypse is all about immersion, imagining what I would do if this happened to me. And it's kind of hard for me to pretend that I had an amazon childhood friend all along. Plus I liked the idea of the male lead getting by on his own capability and ingenuity alone, along with a little preparation from advance notice. Him becoming powerful and a major player among the people of post-system Earth on his own merits, showing you don't have to be "the chosen one" or be handed an unfair advantage on a platter to be the protagonist in this kind of story. And him having an amazon childhood friend from the start does feel like he's being given a signficant boost to being special from the onset. But I really want to keep Myrina though~ So yeah, having trouble making up my mind. Perhaps you could take the best of both? Him in college having lived a normal life until then like in ver1, then meeting Myrina and getting to know her by chance? Joining his class, or moving nearby? He builds up a relationship in a similar way as he did here, due to her being out of place and oblivious of common sense, the usual skirtchasers being too intimidated to try and get in her pants after she demonstrated her "freakish strength" and he feels bad seeing her confused in what to do with everyday stuff and just takes her for a cloudcuckoolander and helps her out a bit. She's a bit vulnerable to men since she grow up surrounded by only women and a few male relatives in the clan, so she gets won over pretty quick. After getting along for a few months she suddenly tells him her time is up and she needs to return to her home planet, much to his bemusement. Then things play out much as they did at the end of ver2. She could be a young amazon there to gain experience while her elders did the investigating. It may not sound like a big difference, but a whirlwind romance when they're both mostly grown and getting her favour that way feels more like it's his own achievement through charm, rather than lucking out with meeting her as kids and her imprinting on him before he knew it, leaving us feeling it'd be the same no matter which boy she met. That's my current impression. Either way, the warning and the token with it's quest to give him some direction, are plenty advantage enough without making it seem like he's being carried. I'd like you to stick with that and get anything else with his own hands. Also, no big deal but I don't really like the opening line. Emphasising that there's nothing special about himself from the start sound a little insecure. Not as much as someone who tries too hard to convince everyone how special they are, but he should have a little confidence. In a "I'm not much of an athlete, but my grades are pretty decent. I may not be top of the class, but I can do what I need to do" kind of way. Just because he's a regular guy doesn't mean he has to feel like a nobody, right? Might be just me being oversensitive though.
Michael Jackson
2nd is as good as the first what i would change is that the princess gives him a gift when he is very young that helps his young body go from average to athlete as he hits puberty and this could be a flash back that happens when the apocalypse starts that his childhood friend who went missing with the aunt had wiped his memory of them leaving and that on a girlish wim gave him a kiss and maybe that injected him with nanites to get a legup on the system, as she knows he has the brains but not the brawn. So like a rollercoaster hes at the beginning or half way up the track and everyone else is just beginning , it could play off like a six sense like he knew where the ball was in american football (its rugby with safety gear qlues in the name foot ball) so he knew it was in the air and could calculate how fast the trajectory etc without looking .
Marvin
Thanks for sharing!
Marvin
Thanks for sharing!
Freedcats
FWIW, I like this one better.
voidofsmiles
2 is good
Marvin
Yeah, that first high school line should say middle school. That should make it more linear. I've fixed it now. I also tweaked the line making it seem like Carter only thought of her as an acquaintance and added your idea about her later claiming she was joking. If you have the chance to reread it, let me know if that's what you were thinking.
Loukemia
Remember the apocalypse part is an allegory for a disaster. Carter's warning (which he believed) prepared him. In a disaster a warning and preparation are more than some people would have. I think this is more important than a magic weapon, bloodline, etc when it hits the fan. Confusion should be expected from everyone else. So when Carter does not act confused the reader would know something is up. One solution is starting the boss(soon to be oni) asking Carter in an employee review why he always seems so distracted. He begins to talk about his friend Myrna disappearing. Sometimes he finds himself looking around online for what happened. Carter's necklace (the pledge token glows) and the system event takes place. Power turns off and they look down the hallway to see a janitor taken out by an office construct monster. Carter doesn't hesitate he dashes for the fireaxe and takes it out. Towards the chapter ends with boss lady asking what's going on and Carter can reply "When my friend disappeared she told her faction was monitoring Earth before its System Integration. I know where she went, but if her faction was here I wondered if others were as well. I've been looking into evidence of who else has come here." When asked what group his friend belonged to Carter responds, "The Amazonian Empire". Next chapter, flasback!
Dr. Redbush
I kinda like the idea of starting off with character relationships, but I don’t like the way this was done. I feel like time jumps from Highschool to young kids and then back to high school in a kind of confusing way. Then there was the fact that when younger they were really close, but then in high school he felt like she was only an acquaintance and didn’t talk to her much. I don’t see how she can think the opposite and invite him over like that if he wasn’t that friendly with her. I guess in short, I like this direction but it feels overall a bit contrived, for a lack of a better term. I’d maybe do a linear progression of their friendship from kids until high school. They could be best friends the whole time, with both of them secretly wishing for more, she’s still always weird to everyone else, but once she is a bit older she stops talking about being an Amazonian Princess, so Carter only thinks it was her being an imaginative kid. Culminating in the departure seen where surprise surprise, she had told the truth. Sorry for the long winded response, and hopefully no offense taken on my story ideas. I just wanted to give my thoughts.
Marvin
So you're thinking Carter comes off a little too dense for not realizing Myrina was telling the truth? That was another worry of mine, tbh. I toyed with a flash back intro for this, but ended up not liking it. I might make another attempt at it, but right now I'm not sure it is working well for the story. Foreknowledge of the apocalypse is the key to Carter's decision making, so the intro seemed too confusing without that knowledge. If I had given Carter some magical sword, a powerful bloodline, or a super powerful spell, things would be different,
Loukemia
So I prefer this version more as we explore the characters relationship. It feels like someone who what grown up with an Amazon might find it more believable when they just disappear. That said overall it might be better to start with the apocalypse beginning and fade back to a story/memory with whichever chapter is chosen later on . That would jump us straight into the action but fill us in if this or the other were chapter 2 or 3.
Marvin
Or like this comment if you prefer the original version!
