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Amazon Apocalypse: Chapter 2

🕑 Added 2022-10-12 15:00:09 +0000 UTC

Comments

Marvin

I think Truk-Kun is only used ironically these days. The trope is from a decade ago at this point (though there are still light novels being made into animes from those days.)

Michael Jackson

Im thinking muscle head barbarian for craig but with a tiny winky (well steroids and roid rage), then sakura oni of course but a red oni as fiery italian blood, then bridget as an elf or cargirl if she was more voluptuous i would say succubus type, liked the way this was going and loved the comments as well, this i feel is getting into the meat and potatoes of the story. I hate the ones that go middle age overweight office guy gets hit by truck/bus/large obsticule kun and wakes up buffed and has sex a paragraph later then its fight sex build fight sex build nine women sucking cock then we win yay.

Marvin

I definitely have plans for Craig.

DiabolicalGenius

Cool. I had the feeling you might have been planning to add a bit more there later, but didn't want to assume. Then it's coming together well.

Marvin

Nah, you're right. I will definitely add some more stuff toward the beginning. I left this chapter intentionally pretty short because I knew I was going to be adding stuff later when I had the final version of chapter 1. But this is a good second reminder in case I forget.

Loukemia

I'm wondering if Craig will stay human-ish or become a goblin. I am hoping that Bridget actually finishes him off by the end.

DiabolicalGenius

Quite interesting. Establishing the relationship between Carter and Regina, now Sakura, where they're more than colleagues but haven't taken that full step beyond yet, though that invitation is telling that she would be interested in more. Even if she put a tough face on it and offered him overtime pay. Also made her a little more personable, if no-nonsense. And making him familiar with both Craig and Sarah, now Bridget, makes anything that happens with them a lot more personal now. Though with them both in the office and the System appearing during business hours instead of in the evening, means that things will go differently regardless. Unless they're separated in the chaos with only Sakura sticking with him as he heads for his hideaway only to run into them later, with Craig having dragged Bridget with him? Or something like that. I'm sure seeing the effect the System has on all the people there will help illustrate how differently he's handling compared to everyone else. Staying calm and focused where everyone else is confused and panicked, that kind of things. I agree that it's probably best to avoid infodumping at the beginning and showing us instead as he heads out to his hideaway and explains when he gets there. Still, the intro feels a bit bland. You should at least add a few lines about the aftermath once you finalise ch.1. Especially if you stick with the events of ver3, since unlike the first two it happened in the middle of town and had explosive effects. Would have made it much easier for him to embrace the reality of it, rather than 1 and 2 where the only witness to their departure was him. Just a paragraph telling us what people thought, "they said it was a gas main or a meth lab or something but no-one was sure since there were no traces of what caused it, but I knew the truth". "Few people actually said they thought they saw a spaceship, but you can guess how the public responded to that". Something like that. Maybe add a line or two of reminiscence of how he managed to keep believing and stick with it after all these years, since it must have been 5-6 years since. He's gotta be in his mid-late twenties now right? I'm sure he would have doubted once or twice if he had just gone crazy, only to grasp the token around his neck and recall that summer and feel deep in his gut that it was real, remember the pain in Myrina's face as she tried to warn him and then feel that he still wasn't doing enough to get ready. Not much, just an extra paragraph or two. Enough to let us feel that the events in ch.1 impacted him personally to the present day. Or not. I'm just ruminating.


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