Osamaru Ta
patreon
Tell me what you think of "We Lease the Kraken!" so far!
🕑 Added 2024-04-29 23:59:16 +0000 UTCWell! We're officially 5 chapters into the new story, and I'm really liking the flow so far.
As I said before, its a nice departure from the more goofy, sometimes chaotic and over-the-to story of Alpha Strike.
Not to say the Story is perfect, by any stretch.
Part of the reason I'm starting it here on Patreon is to get reader's feedback, gauge how the story is going, and make adjustments accordingly.
In a very real way, you're helping to shape the story as it's written.
That said, I thought now would be a good place to sit down and ask what do you all think of the story so far?
I'm aware its a bit of a slow burn, right now, even if things will begin to pick up more here soon. I still wanted to see what you all thought.
Particularly about the characters introduced so far.
My biggest worry is that Jeremiah comes off a bit to much like a downer edgelord type, rather than a broken man trying to put the pieces of his life back together.
Its a hard line to walk.
On one hand, you have to balance showing the character's vulnerabilities, that inner struggle, pain, and resentment, or you risk them coming off as unfeeling and uncaring.
On the other hand, show TOO much vulnerability, and he comes off like a woobie. Granted, it could be argued the Jeremiah has a REASON to mope. But He's not intended to be the type of Character that just gets kicked down by life at every turn.
This isn't just a story about grief, but how we DEAL with grief, and eventually heal from it.
I worry I might be dragging things out a taaaad to much (though the next few chapters will be more upbeat.) But that's the nature of a slow burn story too.
The Triplets, Stella, Mani and Alan, are another point of contention to for me.
Originally, they weren't planned to have such a prominent presence, acting more fun background characters. Not this early in the story, at least.
But they kind of took on a life of their own. Which I guess is kind of fitting, honestly.
That said, I worry they come off as a bit to bratty, rather than the mischievous, but well meaning pranksters they were intended to be.
They kind of the counterweight to Jeremiah's darker moods, and they have a knack for being able to pull him out of his thoughts when he needs it the most. That's something I hope to explore later in the story as well.
Anyway, enough of my chatter!
As I said, tell me what you think so far!
What do you like?
What don't you like?
What do you expect or hope to see in the future?
Etc etc!
Thanks in advance for your feedback! It really does help to improve the story!
Comments
Osamaru Ta
Thanks! Some good feedback there!
TheLostGolem
This feels alot like a slice of life story to me, so I'm judging it as such. First off, for the first chapter and the description, seems good to me. For the second chapter, the description of the area he finds himself in and how it got to be the way it was is fairly well done. The bit about how did it get to be this way was also fairly descriptive and interesting, though I am left a bit confused about whether Big Red was a devil, a demon lord, or some powered up mob boss type person. It feels a bit unclear. I feel like the paragraph describing the apartent the protagonist finds themselves at is a bit lackluster given that description of the area was so long and then the apartment description was a few sentences? My personal preference would be that they are balanced out more, but that's just my preference. I really like the character introductions and how the kids are shown to be a bit of trouble makers through example rather than someone just telling him the kids are trouble makers. I also like how the main character reflects on how he used to cause trouble for his sister all the time. I feel like a description of the trouble he got into could be useful to help people relate to him a bit better. You could also just describe the consequences of something he did and how his sister helped him out of it and leave what was done mysterious. It's fine as is. Just some ideas there. Other than that, it's good. For the third chapter, the introduction to Mr. Jones was great. All good there. I think the part with the investigation into the protagonists Sister should reiterate the crimes she was accused of. It describes how there is nothing to prove her innocence, but I feel like it should have more concrete examples. Since she was accused of blowing up stuff, it should have where she got the explosives from, where she built them , etc. She was accused of tax evasion. There should be bank records, tax forms, etc showing that that occurred. It should have the investigator cross referencing the testimonies of those who claimed she committed bribery and fraud. I feel like it does a lot of telling us that the investigator can't find any way to prove her innocence rather than showing us how difficult it is to prove her innocence, and I'd like that to change. For the fourth chapter, I like it as is. Hope this review helps you out.
