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Weekly Update - 118
🕑 Added 2022-06-06 19:14:48 +0000 UTCThis morning... I poured water... into the coffee grinder.
Why? I don't know. I was going about my regular routine, my husband was telling me about his weekend camping trip... I was on autopilot and was about to fill the coffee machine as per usual, like I have done every single morning for the past ~six years. The coffee machine was all prepared to receive the water, I had already done all that needed to be done for it. Instead, I took the lid off the coffee grinder and poured the water into that. It had the same kinda plastic funnel at the top. It was directly adjacent to the one I was supposed to fill... but like... why? It had a lid on it. It doesn't even have the same kind of lid as the coffee machine.
Honestly, it was a pretty benign mistake, since we live in a very dry climate with relatively pure water and it tends to evaporate very quickly here. It should air out and be good by tomorrow morning. Such moments of "I did a dumb thing" are thankfully infrequent, but gods do they make me feel stupid.
When I was at the very peak of my depression, it would be an event like this that would send me into a complete depression spiral. Following the train of thoughts like, "I'm so stupid and worthless I can't even pour water in the right place," and ruminating on it for the rest of the week. I'm pleased to report that is no longer the case, and I've wrested control of my emotions to the extent where a single minor mistake no longer causes me a complete breakdown... though it still is a shitty way to start off a day.
Comic this week? Yes, but it will probably be late Wednesday again.
Drawing: Riley Page 5, and when that's done I think I might take a week to do some further progress on Volume 1 before returning to the main story.
Playing: Animal Crossing, WoW and Outer Worlds? Never finished it. Started it up last night and thought I might give it another go.
Ramble:
Is this going to be another day where I ramble about Rambles? Is that metarambling?
This week I came up with three great topics for today's ramble. This morning I can't remember any of them. Now, whether that's because they were uninteresting to begin with or because I'm just a disorganized disaster is anyone's guess.
Part of the problem is that I worry these rambles are getting to be redundant. I think one of the topics I'd come up with was about Pure Evil and how, while I personally prefer to write complex villains, I do agree with OSP that the concept of Pure Evil has a place in fiction. But how many times can I talk about evil or villainy in fiction before you all get bored of hearing about it? How many times can I rephrase the shockingly few topics that repeatedly bounce through my head to make them sound fresh or interesting? I know a few of you are diligent readers of my rambles but do most people just skip them? As it stands currently I've only got 19 patrons, and that means that at most, only 19 people will ever see these rambles. They're supposed to be a perk, a way for me to share some of my most private and/or interesting thoughts with the people who care the most, and maybe even deliver some interesting tidbits of information pertaining to the comic that wouldn't otherwise ever be made public. Am I doing that? Or is my rambling becoming a bunch of uninspired, self-indulgent crap?
Some Mondays, the ramble IS literally just a "here's what's bothering me currently" dump. So I can deposit those thoughts onto the internet and make room in my brain for something new. Some Mondays, I know, I can spend as many as 3 or 4 hours on a single ramble. Writing it, proofreading it, editing it, proofreading it one more time, editing it again, then proofreading and editing it compulsively until I'm satisfied that it doesn't make me sound like a complete idiot.
I try to think analytically, and reflect upon various topics in each of these. I try to write in such a way that might get people to think about things in a new or different way. Binge-watching a bunch of Trope Talks this weekend, I fear I'll never be that insightful or interesting with my rambles, though. But on the other hand, I also kinda don't wanna be? Since the people at OSP have made a career out of analyzing stories and I'd much rather make a career out of telling them. It certainly isn't my place to analyze my own stories... at least, not until after they've been told in their entirety.
Writing is a lot of work. Some of it is intuitive, sure, but when you have a dozen different plot lines all tugging in different directions you need to know how to tie those most complicated of knots so that everything is neat and clean in the end. That's the part that most of the greatest authors, I think, excel at. Tying clean knots. That's the part that most of the rest of us suffer with. That's the part that, for the most part, has me banging my head on the desk every day. I've cast these lines in all directions, and now I'm trying to reel them all in without getting any of them tangled. And now I'm giving you mixed metaphors, neat. Wait, is that even a mixed metaphor? You wouldn't normally tie fish line in knots... I don't think... anyway... Boat lines though... is that more of a problem for colonial-era boats, though? There's a lot more rigging when you have three sails... Annnnnyway...
I have always intended to deliver unto you all the best possible story I can. One that is, ideally, knotted tightly at the end and leaves you without major questions at the end. Thankfully, I'm not intending to try and set up any sequels. While there's plenty of other stories to tell in this universe, I intend to wrap Kiva's up nice and tightly.
Spending four hours on a ramble feels like a colossal waste of my time. I should instead, perhaps, be writing lore, world building, working on my script or working to plug those elusive plot holes. Or I should spend it drawing. There's always more stuff to draw. Like those sketches I'm supposed to be doing every Friday? Or maybe the character sheets I still owe a few people? I used to stream on Discord every once in awhile... I'm just dropping the ball all over the place lately. This is supposed to be my job, and lately it feels like I'm only doing the bare minimum. I'm delivering a full page, colored comic each week, but that's it. (I guess I'm keeping up with the weekly updates too...) And I'm tired of just doing the bare minimum. I need to up my game. Maybe kick myself in the ass a few times while I'm at it.
Or maybe I just feel especially down today because I poured water... into the gods-damned coffee grinder. Whatever, it's already been an hour and a half. I'm going to skip the compulsive proof-reading and editing phase and go draw. (Edit: Compulsively proof-reads and edits for another hour.)
