Nonexternal
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Im still here - health update
🕑 Added 2023-03-11 01:38:11 +0000 UTCJust wanted to do a little update.
Still around and stuff.
The previous months have been very strange to me, a lot of ups and downs.
Now in retrospect i can see that it built up a lot of tention and even if i on multiple occations have "relaxed" i never really fully relaxed.
I think this is why i struggle to sleep as well, as I'm really bad at turning my head off now, compared to before.
BUT, I'm atleast aware of it now, and its become more and more obvious over the last 2-3 weeks where I've let myself off the hook more than usuall.
Yes it sucks to see patrons are leaving, but it's understandable that people don't want to pay for stuff when there's not much going on or no clear signs of when it will get back on track.
On that note, I think I'm starting to feel creativity seep trough a little bit more and that i'm able to do things without getting in my own way constantly. Its only been 2 days so its early to say, but this new momentum has been very befreeing to me.
But It's not yet something i can deem stable and make promises out of.
Because IK now, as i have before, but to a greater level; that setting expectations for myself in this current state just stresses me out more and more. So I don't want to make any promises
I sincerely belive this is the best way forward. Even if my past self from a week ago feels like there's so many things that "should've" been in place, learned etc. for me to support myself.
But yet again, I have to accept the reality, and that is that I'm less healthy than i constantly want to be. And stressing over not getting better just makes me worse.
I can imagine that from a outside perspective that it looks obvious and silly, but when u live in it, and it's become so normal for yourself to push urself constantly that u tense up. It's easy to think that less tense, but yet tense, means that ur relaxing xD
Anyways, thanks again for all the support - uncertain times ahead, but i remain hopeful and positive :D
Wish u all the best <3
