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Sourcebook Page 1 Alleycat
🕑 Added 2020-03-09 05:07:20 +0000 UTCCongrats, you get to be my proof readers
Comments
Ebonyleopard
No, Artica's agility is a 5 awhile Alleycat's is an 8.
Lordgriffin
So Artica has a greater Agility then Alley cat? I thought Alley cat was an acrobat
Ebonyleopard
God, past and present tense always gets me.
UltraFennec
In Powers, "slipping her molecules pass" should be "slipping her molecules past"
Shawn Savage
Great job! Can't wait to see more, especially Walice, CeeCee , Pandora & Micro!
Ebonyleopard
Nope, this is why I'm posting these. You all will help make these perfect.
Ebonyleopard
Fan participation! thanks. The more eyes on this will make it better.
MountainGoat
Aaand done ... sorry for the spam, I figured it would be easier to follow stream of thought rather than giving you one huge block.
MountainGoat
"She also can" should probably be "She can also" ... makes me wonder if that phrasing is a regional language difference :)
MountainGoat
"She can extend this effect beyond her immediate body to outward towards things she is touching." Try instead: She can extend this effect beyond her immediate body outward towards things she is touching.
MountainGoat
Potential extra comma: She was rescued by a group of vulpins calling themselves the Solarfoxes" You might actually be looking for a colon there ... She was rescued by a group of vulpins calling themselves: the Solarfoxes. No comma reads more naturally, colon makes it more presentational.
MountainGoat
Missing comma: During an attempt to flee, <--
MountainGoat
It would flow better to say, "giant hunter determined to either capture or eliminate her" rather than duplicate the 'her' there.
MountainGoat
It should be "and with dreams of becoming a writer"
Karl Maurer
That still feels a little awkward. I'm sure someone else can massage it a little more. :) But I am loving this sheet... and I always liked Alleycat.
Karl Maurer
Is it supposed to be Lost Angles? Which angle did they lose? The first paragraph of her profile could use a little re-wording. It comes across as a carry-on sentence and might need a little massaging. Other than my question about the name of the city and that first paragraph of her profile, it looks great. Here's my try at that paragraph: KATHERINE FELA HAD A PROMISING FUTURE AHEAD OF HER, BEING ONE OF THE TOP STUDENTS IN HER CLASS, AN ACCOMPLISHED GYMNAST, AND DREAMS OF BECOMING A WRITER. SECOND OLDEST OF FOUR, KAT WAS SEEN AS THE RESPONSIBLE ONE AND TRIED HER BEST TO LIVE UP TO THAT TITLE IN THE EYES OF HER PARENTS, AND TO THE EVER GROWING ANNOYANCE OF HER OLDER SISTER, CATRINA. HER LIFE WOULD TAKE A DRAMATIC CHANGE ON HER 16TH BIRTHDAY,
Maxx001
Kickass, another Sourcebook sheet! I'm really loving how these are turning out. It really helps with finally getting official stats on everyone. I can't wait to see everyone else's!
