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Sourcebook Page 2
🕑 Added 2020-03-10 19:35:10 +0000 UTCTyping for page 2 done. Give it a look.
Comments
Karl Maurer
"This lead to her developing..." should likely be "This led to her developing..." as it should be a past tense use of the word. Otherwise it would have been "This leads to..." or "This will lead to.."
MountainGoat
"Artica was the only offspring" ... to me reads like *Artica* is dead, because she *was*. If "Artica is the only offspring" then she currently the only offspring. That's my reasoning.
Ebonyleopard
Well you guys now now one of her parents is alive, but oyhers who read this might not know. Give it a new read.
MountainGoat
And that's it for me :) Looking good!
MountainGoat
"And her custom was fashioned by" ... you're missing a word there. I think you want 'custom uniform'.
MountainGoat
"Artica is armed with two wristbands that can convert ... which can act as aids". I would drop the second "can" there as to me it reads repetative. This is more of a nitpick than a grammar problem, I just think it reads nicer as "which act as aids".
MountainGoat
You could even do "cost her that one chance with Red" to really hit the point home.
MountainGoat
"This illness was due to the first .... and forever cost her her chance"... I would write this as "... and forever cost her that chance with Red" just to avoid the double-her there.
MountainGoat
Martial Status: Extremely popular with fans Kidding! "Artica was the only offspring" ... you probably want "Artica is the only offspring" so it's not an obituary.
