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That Time I Stopped the Invasion of Canterlot, Part 4
🕑 Added 2024-07-20 16:06:04 +0000 UTC"What do you think you're doing?" Dragonfly- she looked almost exactly like the others except for her wings, but I recognized the unique timbre of her buzzing voice instantly- zipped over to the group of normal-sized monsters who had apparently shepherded the truly enormous monster to this place.
"Hey, we wanna see a real fight," one of the escort creatures sneered. "Let's see Miss Tough Pony take down Cetonius!"
"Cetonius isn't a fighter!" Dragonfly insisted. "He's a digger! Whose idea was it to even bring him here?"
"The queen's, so you can shut your mouth," the sneering bug snapped back. "What, would you rather she had brought Pedipalp?"
"At least Pedipalp would understand what's going on!" Dragonfly snapped back. After a moment's pause, she added, "Well mostly. But you know Cetonius isn't- I mean, she's going to wipe the floor with him!"
I didn't know about that. For all the amiability in the sleepy-eyed smile the giant bug-pony was giving me, all he had to do was step on me to end the fight. And besides that, I'd been worn down by the previous fights to the point that I didn't care for my odds against a breezie, let alone the mobile wall with wings in front of me.
"If she does, it'll be good training for him!" Sneery Bug replied. "He hasn't done much yet, anyway. About time he saw some battle!"
"We found him in a pony flower shop," another of the escort squad chipped in. "Just sniffing flowers. Totally ignored the shopkeepers."
And then the mountain spoke, saying, "I like flowers."
That voice sent a cold chill down my spine, and not for the reasons the monsters might have thought. I'm sure you're aware of a certain unfortunate group of ponies who are... how shall I put this? They are born so that they will never have more than the mind of a child. They're generally amiable and sweet, but they can never be left unsupervised.
And apparently this giant, this Cetonius, had the same ailment, and based on his voice, and especially the slowness of his words, he had a particularly intense case of it.
"Okay, Cetonius," the sneery monster said, turning his back on Dragonfly and hovering down in front of the giant's face. He pointed to me and said, "There's the pony. Fight her."
"I don't like fighting," Cetonius drawled. "I like flowers. Flowers are sweet and pretty."
"The queen said we have to fight the ponies," Sneery said. "There's a pony. Fight her."
Cetonius cocked his head, then looked around the sneery bug at me. "Are you hurt?" he asked. "You look like you're hurt."
"Hey, don't talk to her!" Sneery said. "Fight her. You gotta-"
"NO!" I shouted, and then I flinched as Cetonius- this big, towering, terrifying bug- flinched himself. In a softer voice I added, "No, you do not have to fight me."
"You stay out of this, pony!" Sneery said. "The queen-"
"Is the queen here?!" I shouted again, stepping forward until I was as close to his face as I could get. "Would you care to point this queen of yours out for me? Because I would like to have words with any one who would send such a sweet, innocent creature into danger!"
The crowd of monsters on the rooftops around us booed- or at least quite a few of them did.
"SHUT UP!" I shouted back. "What is WRONG with you people? I'm a pony! I expect monsters to attack me! That's normal! And Ichneumon was an arrogant cretin who had it coming. I understand that. But what is NOT normal is sending a foal- or a foal at heart," I said, pointing a hoof at Cetonius, "to do your fighting for you when he doesn't want to and doesn't know how! WHY would you do that? Do you ENJOY seeing him get hurt? Do you WANT him to be sad? DO YOU?"
That silenced everyone, even Sneery Bug. (Forgive me for not naming him, but I didn't hear his name and very much did not want to know.) In fact a large number of the crowd, including a couple of Cetonius's minders, were hanging their heads, their ear-fins drooping.
I went over to Cetonius and gave him a gentle pat on the head, wincing as my shoulder told me in no uncertain terms how little it appreciated the effort. "Cetonius, dear," I said, "you go right back to that flower shop and smell all the pretty flowers you want. And don't let anypony other than your queen tell you otherwise! Off you go!"
One of the escort bugs- not Sneery- asked, "But don't you wanna fight him? He's really strong!"
"OF COURSE I DON'T WANT TO FIGHT HIM!" I wobbled on my hooves a little, so I took a couple of breaths to steady myself. In a more normal tone I continued, "I don't want to fight anypony! What did you think I was, anyway?"
"Well, you're some kind of wicked cool guard pony, aren't you?" one of the bugs in the audience said.
"Yeah! A super-spy pony!" another said.
"With all sorts of hot fighting moves," a third said. "Double-O something, License to Kick!"
"I'm a MUSICIAN!!" I shouted over the rising tide of speculation. "I'm just an ordinary classically-trained musician! I play music! That's all!"
"Then how come you're so good at fighting?" some other monster in the audience shouted.
"Because I'm a pony!" I shouted back. "There's a major monster attack somewhere in Equestria every month!"
"What's that got to do with it?"
I just gestured around me at the hundreds of bug-pony creatures watching my every move.
"Oh. Okay, that's fair." That particular monster sat down.
Another stood up in his place. "You're a musician? What instrument do you play?"
"I specialize in the cello."
"I thought that was a pony dessert!"
"No, no," another creature said. "It's like a fiddle, only bigger. I saw one in the music store two blocks down."
"You mean ponies have instruments that imitate Fiddlewing?"
"Pretty sure it's the other way around."
"Can't be! Fiddlewing can make sounds no pony junk can make!"
"Hey! Let's have a fiddle-off! Somebuggy get Fiddlewing!"
"Fiddle-off!"
"Fiddle-off!"
"FIDDLE-OFF!!"
"Hey! Hey!! HEY!!" I shouted, waving my forehooves over my head. "Perhaps you haven't noticed, but I don't have my instrument with me!"
"That's okay, we'll just steal one!" one of the creatures replied cheerfully. "About how big is it?"
I almost objected, but then I remembered Dragonfly's warning: I would remain at liberty only so long as I was entertaining. "About this tall," I said, holding a hoof about chin-height. "The neck extends higher than my head. It's the second-largest violin type, after the contrabass."
"No problem!" that creature replied. "We'll get you one. Don't go away?"
I looked around at the crowd, who had become all excited again after the prior lull. How, exactly, did he expect me to leave?
Comments
Andrew Denton
You know, I should not be surprised, but sometimes there is just not enough face-palming in the world. A very touching scene, there in the middle, before the changelings (once again) fail to read the room.
