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Chapter 175 (Draft)
🕑 Added 2021-10-18 19:46:00 +0000 UTCThe hug didn’t last long, considering how intense it was. After a few moments, we both broke off as if we suddenly realized what we were doing. It had settled me down a bit, but I still felt badly off balance, and in a way, this only made that worse. It wasn’t like I was used to hugs with my Mother even when she was still around.
I glanced around at our surroundings so I didn’t have to look at her for a moment. I didn’t recognize the place, but it was very bare. A few spirits lingered in the distance, but too far to bother us, and otherwise, we were alone except for my companions that Mother had brought. I noted that a few soldiers seemed to be missing. Perhaps they’d run too far away already, and hopefully, they were safely getting back to the rest right now.
Everyone had dropped to their knees and was looking at Mother.
’Rise, please,’she told them, though she didn’t spare them more than a glance before she focused back on me. She smiled. ‘I think we have a lot to talk about, Nari.’
I returned her smile, though it felt a bit awkward. “That we do,” I replied. “First things first, where are we? Are we safe here?”
“As safe as can be,” Mother answered. She was shifting into a more physical form as we spoke. It was fascinating to watch. “We’re in a crossing of pathways. Mior showed me how to get around here. Jideia can probably get here, as well, but I doubt he’ll go to the trouble. Still, it’s probably best if we don’t linger here.”
I nodded. That made as much sense as anything else that had been happening recently.
“I didn’t expect to see you so soon, Mother,” I said with a small smile. “But hey, I’m not complaining. Thanks for the rescue.”
She nodded. “I’m hardly up to, say, the Pioneer’s standards, but I’m not in danger of unraveling. I won’t be doing that again anytime soon, though.”
She paused and glanced at the rest of the people with us, who’d been respectfully keeping back. Now, Tenira and my other companions were hesitantly approaching.
“It is a great relief to see you alive and well, Your Majesty,” Tenira said with a bow.
Mother raised an eyebrow and quirked her lips. “No need for excessive formality, I’m not much of an empress anymore. It appears, though, that other things have changed.” She glanced at me briefly. “I see you two finally worked things out. And congratulations are in order? I might even be able to make the wedding.”
Tenira ducked her head. Despite Mother’s light tone, there was a subtext here, and for a few moments, tension stretched between them. I remembered that for Imperial culture, and probably where Tenira’s soul journey sent here, this was a bit of a thing.
“Yeah, fine, we technically got engaged without my parent’s permission,” I said. “That wasn’t exactly feasible, though. How about you just give us your blessing now and we get on with things?”
Tenira blushed, but Mother just chuckled. “Of course. I’m happy for you two, and if you need me to say it, I approve unreservedly.” She glanced at Yarani. “That goes for you, too.”
“Thank you, my lady.” Yarani smiled and bowed her head.
Mother nodded, then turned back to me. “We do have more important things to talk about, unfortunately.”
“Of course.” Hesitantly, I stepped to the side.
Mother and I went a few steps further while the rest of the group withdrew to give us some privacy on some unspoken signal. It wasn’t really enough distance to stop a cultivator’s hearing, but then again, there was a lot of qi in this place.
“So, I hear I’m still technically Empress,” Mother began. “Sort of.”
I pulled a face and nodded. “Yes. We did the best we could with the situation.”
“And you did well. You did use that will I left, and I’m glad to see Kiyanu stepping up like this. I’ll be glad once you reach the eighth stage and get officially crowned, but in the meantime, things are fine like this.”
I relaxed a little, releasing some of the tension I’d barely been aware was there. And her last sentence made me remember that, like me, Mother had probably never wanted to be Empress, she’d just been born and raised to the position. “I imagine it can be a relief to let go of that responsibility,” I said.
Mother hesitated for a moment, then nodded. “Yes. Especially since I didn’t abandon the Empire to a dark future. I’m a little anxious, but also very relieved,” she admitted.
I met her gaze, then looked away. “Well, there was a civil war and everything …”
“Yes, I know. You handled that as well as I could have hoped for.”
I turned back to her and raised an eyebrow. “How do you know all this? Did Mior tell you? Or, wait, how much do you know of what’s been happening?”
Mother smiled faintly. “Yes, Mior has kept me appraised of events. I’m sure they’ve left out some details, and I certainly don’t know everything, but I’m aware in a general sense of the state of the Empire and the war. Great work, by the way. I never would have expected you to be this deep inside the Dominion after this short a time. I don’t think I could have done.”
“You probably couldn’t have,” I told her. “Or rather, we probably wouldn’t have if you’d still been there. The situation certainly provided a lot of pressure.” And I’d leaned harder into the whole industrialization thing than Mother ever had.
She blinked, as if surprised by the thought. “Well, I suppose you’re right about that. I certainly can’t argue with results. I still feel bad about leaving you to fight this war, even with Kiyanu’s help.”
I gazed out into the darkness, staying silent. There was a dim, diffuse light lighting everything, but expect for qi, it was as if we stood on a featureless plain. Any other spirits had disappeared.
“Inaris?” Mother asked. “I said, I feel bad about you bearing this sort of responsibility.”
I turned back to her. “Well, you should.”
She twitched, just slightly. “I understand if you feel resentful …”
Anger was starting to rise in me now, calmly coming closer to the surface. It had been there before, brought into focus from when I saw her again. I clenched a fist. “Oh, you understand, do you?”
Mother hesitated. “Nari, I didn’t do any of this on purpose, you know. I wouldn’t have.”
“And that makes it all better?” I took a step closer to her, feeling my lips pulling back in a snarl. “That you were just negligent, not noticing what was going on in your own court? That you put your damnable infatuation with Carston above any sensible caution and got surprised when it blew up in your face? The people who died in the attempted coup, trying to protect you and us? The ruin it almost brought?”
“Nari -”
“I had to drag things out of the fire by the skin of my teeth!” I stabbed a finger forward accusingly, knowing that I was getting louder, but not caring in that moment. “You left me with a shattered palace, half an Empire, and no plan! You left me in charge of our family!” I paused for a moment, breathing heavily. “I had to tell Al and An what happened, Mother! I had to watch Al stew in his anger and try to get An oriented! Somehow make sure they were cared for when I had to go off to war. I’ve probably screwed things up in a dozen different ways.” I closed my eyes for a moment, shaking my head. “I was nineteen, by this world’s clocks! I was - am - in no way ready to raise children. But I suddenly had the responsibility for two younger siblings dropped in my lap, in addition to all the other shit, and I don’t know who’s worst off for it!”
I came to a stop, still breathing heavily, and felt my nails digging into my palms. Mother stared at me, her eyes wise. For a minute, we just stood there in silence. I unclenched my hands and got my breathing back under control, but I didn’t take my attention from her.
Finally, she spoke quietly. “I know.” She bowed her head, seeming to sag slightly. “You are right to be angry. There’s little I can say to this.”
I let out a long breath, feeling some of the tension flow out of me along with it. “Okay.”
Mother shook her head. “I don’t think I quite deserve all of this vehemence, but I can hardly blame you for it. I did fail you. I’m your mom, it was my job to protect you. Instead, you were the one who saved my life. Like I said, you’ve done better than I had any right to expect. And I know it’s not easy, but I’m certain that you’re caring for Al and An.”
I twisted my lips slightly. “I have Kei Yating taking care of An. He’s her father, after all, even if you never acknowledged that. I still haven’t officially recognized it, but everyone knows.”
She smiled wryly. “Good. Yating deserves to be with his daughter, if nothing else. I’m probably lucky that man chose to stay with me all those years. He certainly would have deserved better.”
“Yeah. Seems like there’s some of that going around.”
Mother straightened up again and clasped her hands before her. “I’ve done quite a few things I’m not proud of in my life, mucked quite a few things up. Perhaps ironically, I think I was a much worse mother than an empress. You know …” She exhaled softly. “I think I feel the most guilt about you, even if I never allowed myself to properly express it, or even acknowledge it to myself. My feelings towards you were always … complicated.”
I narrowed my eyes and cocked my head to the side. “What do you feel about me?”
Mother met my eyes again. “Love, anxiety, pride, guilt. Love has always been strongest. Believe me.” Then her eyes slid off me into the distance. “But like I said, also guilty. I am sorry, Inaris.”
“This isn’t about failing to see the coup,” I said quietly. I knew what it was about. Probably the biggest reason she called herself a bad mother. I realized, to the surprise of some part of me, that I couldn’t agree with that assessment.
“No. It’s about how you came to be, and how I used you.”
“You already apologized for that, I think,” I said slowly, grimacing a little as I thought back to that day. “I always said I understood. Which is the truth. I do. It never felt like it was the right thing, but I feel like I can’t blame you for doing what you thought was best as the Empress.”
Mother nodded. “I get it.”
“Well …” I sighed and shook my head. Then, surprising myself almost more than I did her, I stepped forward and laid a hand on her shoulder briefly. “That’s not all. It’s okay, Mother.”
She looked surprised for a moment, then smiled. She put her other hand on my shoulder. “Thank you, Nari.”
“You said something else that day. I’ve been cursing the fact that I was unable to respond since then. But now that we’ve seen each other again, I can.” I hesitated for a moment, then pulled her into another hug. “I love you, too.”
I felt Mother cling to me more tightly for a moment, before she relaxed. We embraced each other for a short while later, before we simultaneously pulled away. She smiled, and her eyes were brighter.
I returned that smile. I couldn’t remember ever initiating a hug with her, although I now realized how stupid that was. I knew that even before my soul journey, we probably hadn’t told each other those words often, and certainly never afterward.
It didn’t make me forget about what I’d said before. I still felt anger and resentment. But I realized that that was okay. You could love someone without liking everything about them. After all, we were family.
As we looked at each other, I felt like we shared that understanding. That there were still issues, wounds and scars that had been covered before but laid free by what had happened. But that we wouldn’t let that drive us apart.
“You should go now, Nari,” Mother finally said. “We’ve been here too long already, and I need to conserve my strength.”
I nodded and stepped away from her, finally glancing at the other people in this place. They were all turned away from us, but I knew better than to think they hadn’t been paying attention. Mother and I had talked in English, but we hadn’t exactly hid anything else about our conversation. I found that I didn’t particularly care. They were all loyal enough that seeing us display human emotion shouldn’t hurt that devotion.
Mother and I walked back to the group. I caught Tenira’s gaze, and gave her and Yarani a quick smile. They both seemed relieved that things had ended peacefully despite the shouting.
“Can you show us how to leave and where to go?” I asked Mother. It was probably best if we didn’t come back to the temple, though I wasn’t entirely sure where we really were at the moment.
“I can take you,” she replied. She smiled again. “Please give Al and An my love, Nari. Hopefully, I’ll be able to talk to them in the not too distant future.”
I nodded. “Of course.”
Then Mother’s qi surged, and as it wrapped around the group, the place faded around us.
