Patrefans
Masterfulhusband from patreon
Masterfulhusband patreon

Suprise... it's Chapter 21!

🕑 Added 2019-09-13 18:22:47 +0000 UTC

Comments

I'm about halfway done with it so probably Tuesday/Wednesday next week

When is the next chapter?

J B

On further thought, Kyrsten with her ‘sadly more experience than all of you together’ (from meeting Jay’s parents) might be the best one to introduce a more experienced Domme/Dom.

J B

Rereading it, I find myself impressed with Louise’s growth/changes, both as a character and as a wonderful exemplar of realism in kinky fantasy writing. I can see a strong possible future conflict between Louise & Kyrsten, if they get sexual alone and Louise tries her Domme role out, accidentally stepping in the (healing but not healed) cracks in Kyrsten. Would suck, but if no long term damage is done the make-up scene would be epic. I’m a little surprised that none of the characters, Jay, Alex and/or Madison in particular, haven’t gotten Jay talking shop with a Dom or Domme and Carly with a sub of theirs. Not to play, but to learn & discuss stuff. Reading between the lines Jay & Carly both have some experience in D/s relationships, but it also seems both are well beyond where they had gone before. A lil reassurance that they may be out there but they ain’t alone might be useful in helping gel the group dynamic. Bonus points if both scenarios occur simuLtaneously in the story line... 😜

J B

Re Hideo - I have hope that he might just step up - we'll see, he got a kind of a kick in the ass this chapter. Either he'll break and accept it, or he'll use it as motivation and try to take Sherry from Jay. I'm mostly concerned for him if he tries and fails.

"back of Maureen’s head then sauntered over" - missing comma "I sat on the couch, naked and kissed Carly" - missing comma "But that’s why I was so intrigued by you guys and it’s fucking hot." - the it's fucking hot seems a bit misplaced there "I knew enough from Carly… and from the thin walls… to know that Jay would be safe to scratch my itch." - This sentence reduces to "I knew... to know...". Maybe exchange the second "know" for "understand"? "I laughed… “Excuse me?”" - Through the whole chapter there is a lot of "...", it's a bit distracting and in many places, like here, unnecessary. "[Picture]<br>Maureen" - I suppose HTML-escaping is a patreon thing and literotica will show it properly? "“Thank you,” but it simply came out “Fmack oo athter,”" - This is a stupid detail, but it's asymmetric and it bothers me :D "She shot off almost immediately twitch and spasming" Maureen's kink reveal seems to be a bit abrupt, missing foreshadowing. Possible solution: Make Maureen an active participant of the reveal. Carly doesn't tell Jay what the kink is but instead calls Maureen IT. Jay notices, asks her and Carly prompts Maureen to explain. Maureen can lean back a bit from Carly's pussy and say something like "This one is just an object, Master. It doesn't deserve human pronouns," and can go on licking. This way, the reveal is gradual and Maureen feels like an active character. Just an idea tho. Love the Luise-Carly scene. The whole dynamic between these two is awesome. I am unsure how I feel about Hideo. He seems to be a bit too passive for my taste. I don't feel he is as happy as he could be with the arrangement. He is madly in love with Sherry, but I think he is in the relationship despite the cruelty, not because of it. I feel a bit sorry for him (in contrast to Dave, who I feel is exactly where he wants to be). EDIT: Huh, the line break tag got formatted properly in my comment, but not in the story.

J B

Oh holy hell.... OK, channelling Peanut, that was gooooOOOOoooOOOOOoood!


More Creators