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Journal #4
🕑 Added 2020-01-08 22:01:05 +0000 UTCI could’ve written last night, but was in a more negative headspace and didn’t want these to all be so depressing. I want to be true to myself and show a bit more inside my brain with you all (which is quite dark and morbid), but at the same time I don’t want you guys to think I’m constantly complaining and miserable. My brain is very much a rollercoaster. I’m waiting to get in to see better, more specialized doctors as well as getting an MRI to make sure everything is okay up there since the accident. Still have a few weeks yet, though, so I’m just trying to power through these days as best as I can. A couple months ago I found relief and clarity that I hadn’t felt in so long... I was distraught to see it leave me so quickly, but I’m holding onto that hope that I CAN feel and get better. :)
So this entry is dedicated to YOU. What your support has allowed me to do the last year: support several charities near to my heart, hire an editor, believe in love again, find (slowly, but surely) confidence, afford to see more doctors and work more proactively to get myself healthy, get through those rock bottom nights where everything is dark and I see no light at the end of the tunnel, stand up to trolls online and stalkers that have been quite explicit with what they would do with me if they found me one day, show my family even more so that what I’m doing IS good and can be beneficial for so many people, travel more to get outside my head and see different cultures and perspectives and of course traveling to conventions to meet more of you!!! Which has been the highlight of my year.
Thank you for your patience. Truly. Through all of these years, months, weeks - thank you for staying by my side and trusting that I’m trying my best. So many nights I truly feel broken... and I spiral and hate myself that I struggle so deeply when I have more than I could ever imagine or ask for... if it’s not for me, i want to get better for you guys. To show you how much I really want to give you of myself and what I’m capable of. Because I don’t think you’ve seen it yet, and it kills me inside.
Baby steps, though. While most people spent their young adult life making mistakes and spending time with friends or learning in college or jobs and making lasting relationships... I was trying not to kill myself. That is the true summary of 2012-2016 for me. And it’s difficult to look back and think “man why didn’t I do this or this or that” because I forget the trauma and mental state I used to be in and how far I’ve really, truly come because of all the things that have happened and I’ve done. Whether that be pushing myself or choosing to just exist in that moment and stop comparing myself to others and match their output. I’ve always wanted to be the superwoman type - that just keeps on and nothing stops me or trips me up. But the truth is, I’m mentally fragile. And I think that’s ok. I’m getting stronger and stronger by the day and finding that balance. Because the reason I am “fragile” is not just trauma or genetics or whatever else, it’s my ability to understand and empathize with other living things. I always looked at my deep empathy as a weakness and curse because things I could do nothing about would crush my heart and I couldn’t simply compartmentalize like seemingly everyone else could. But I’m getting better at it, turning my worry and anxiety into action rather than being paralyzed by it all the time. That’s pretty frickin cool if you ask me. I can see the progress I’m making and that I’ve made - I just need to stop and look at it sometimes to appreciate things and feel more hopeful going forward.
I couldn’t have made it in this world without your guys’ love, patience, support and understanding. I would’ve been crushed in a conventional career. I wish I could give you all what you have given me... hopefully the general workplace begins to take mental health more seriously and treats you right. You deserve it and so much more.
I believe in you. You’re doing amazing. Keep going! Keep trying! Keep saving and thriving! You are loved and appreciated beyond measure.
Thank you.
Comments
MUSE-Katze
Your empathy is no weakness but your most powerful gift! Without that you wouldn't be able to touch so many souls. Your honesty and your sharing help so many people - they help ME. I don't know where (or if) I would be without you. I wish all the best for you and I'm so proud of you!!!
Juan Ruiz
Your ability to understand and empathize with other living things is not a weakness, it's a blessing, we love you as you are, please, do not ever change ! except to feel better, stronger and happier to be the way you are ❤️❤️❤️
Tig
<3
Mohan kitten
I hope you know we all truly care for you. I for one have gotten a lot of really good cries in my life from being empathetic and thought it was a weakness, I was embarrassed by it because I'm a guy. We aren't supposed to cry right? I don't watch Disney movies with other people because i know the story will move me to tears, etc. So i get some of that feeling. But then some people accept you for who you are and you find out that you can be strong even when other's call you weak. I guess what I'm trying to say is i understand feeling weak because of emotions and it's not a weakness, it means you have a lot of love in your heart and it shows.
Phillip Coe
Proud of you, Lauren. You got this❤️❤️❤️
Justin S
Frivvi, I believe in you, you are worthy ❤️❤️ thank you so much for everything you do you are truly a ray of sunshine and you help me in so many ways and I'm proud to support you and don't plan on stopping anytime soon, thank you truly Frivvi I love you ❤️
I don't think anyone who supports you here would think you're constantly complaining and miserable. After all, I'm pretty sure everyone has seen your videos or streams, and seen the ray of sunshine you can be. I hope everything goes well with the doctors. You're not broken and you don't have to be superwoman, but honestly, I think you're well on your way there. Empathy is no weakness, but if you see it as making you fragile and still putting it out there, I can't think of anything more fitting for the phrase superwoman. And sometimes just being able to empathize with a person is doing more for a person than anything else.
Cavick
" I always looked at my deep empathy as a weakness and curse because things I could do nothing about would crush my heart and I couldn’t simply compartmentalize like seemingly everyone else could." I hope you appreciate how powerful this thinking is. Realizing your superpower isn't a curse, but just that a superpower. Sure your deep empathy may have downsides but it also has positives. Perspective is a powerful thing, and allowing yourself to have a different perspective about your superpower will be, well empowering.
💖🦊💖
Finnigan
The love you give unto us is the life we breathe into you. ❤
Lambent Regret
Some very good perspective there, Frivvi. We are glad and grateful you're here. Strength isn't being able to power through things, it's getting back up again. 💛
Charlie Jenkins
So, I made the serious mistake of trying to live without medication at a point my stress level got really high. This past November I was lying in bed almost 24 hours a day doing nothing, because even watching TV or even ASMR felt overwhelming. My dad was working from home, so I laid in bed next to him all day. Normally would have been weird for me, but at that point I needed a human connection badly enough I didn't care. Once Lexapro built up in my system I started being myself again. Working productively, eating, socializing, feeling optimistic. So the lesson I learned was: Remember that "you" are not a broken person or a fixed person. The real you lies underneath that. I bet there have been periods of time when you felt pretty excited about life and you were still you. Chemical imbalances can darken your whole outlook at a given moment, and yet if you take a Xanax the world will look pretty different to you in an hour. In that sense, even if it's not okay, it's okay because someday it will be. No matter how fragile you feel now it's probably possible for you to feel remarkably strong if you just be gentle with yourself. I'm teasing you but it's actually true.
Dima Horn
❤❤❤
drewwu
and YOU frivvi have helped me through some of the darkest periods in my life (so far) and I cant thank you enough for it. I think they call it a "symbiotic relationship" lmao
Somehow these journals make me feel safe. I'm not sure why, but thanks for writing them! I'm also glad to hear I'm not the only one with a disproportionate sense of empathy.
Stephen Lincoln
Funny thing, I've only known you since late 2016ish. You've done a lot for me and my basket of impostor syndrome, anxiety, and other nonsense. If I could go back and support you sooner, I would, But I'm along for the ride now, and I don't plan on leaving any time soon. Thankya Friv.
Ciara Rose Richardson
Love u 💖
unleashluis22
🧡🧡🧡
Ember Rose
Love you friv! Keep it up =)
Mitch Connor
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Tony XM
💖💖💖
❤️❤️❤️
Asda of York
You have done such an incredible amount for me,thank you for keeping on, I love you <3
Cassie Orr
💜💜💜 gah my heart. Here take all the virtual hugs. 💜💜💜💜You can do this. “Just keep swimming” 😉
