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Zenith of Sorcery Test Chapter 1
🕑 Added 2021-05-05 23:42:37 +0000 UTCFirst of all, those who care about spoilers should skip this post. Fair warning.
Anyway: what you're looking at is the first chapter of Zenith of Sorcery. It's not the final version of the chapter - I intend to tinker with it for a while still. It may go through considerable changes and revisions later, or I may change very little in the final version, I don't know yet... but I am fairly pleased with it's current form.
The reason I'm posting this is two-fold. First of all, I'd like you to read it and tell me your thoughts about it. I am curious what my patrons think of this chapter. Do you think it works? Does it inspire your interest in the story? Secondly, it's kind of a showcase to you all that I keep working on this story, even if the updates are slow coming. I intend to keep working on these initial chapters for a while yet, and simply posting blanket assurances that yes, I'm totally writing stuff... seems a little hollow. I am aware, of course, that my fans have patience of steel, and don't need any extra assurances to keep waiting for the story to get finally posted, but I figured an actual test chapter might be of interest to some people, might result in helpful feedback, and shows that stuff is happening in the background.
With that in mind, I will post the chapter in question below the break line. Some of the formatting doesn't translate well to a patreon post, so apologies for that. As stated at the top, the whole chapter is kind of a spoiler, but no more than a real chapter 1 would be. In other words, it's a spoiler for the start of the story, not any deeper mystery that would ruin the story in general. And thus:
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Chapter 001
Homecoming
On the eastern edge of the Great Golden Plain, in a small border kingdom of little note, there was a poorly-maintained dirt road. The locals called it the Last Road, because there was nothing beyond it. Further west, past the towns and villages relying on the Last Road for their connection with wider human civilization, there was only a vast dark forest inhabited by all manner of wild beasts and monsters.
In the middle of this road stood Marcus, leaning on his staff as he slowly took in the sights around him. A few passing locals gave him strange looks, mystified at the look of wonder on his face. After all, the land around them was quite mundane, with little to get excited about. However, the quality of his clothes and the staff he was holding made them wary of him, and they hurriedly passed him by without saying anything.
After standing still and silent for a few minutes, Marcus suddenly broke through his daze and turned to take a one last look at the forest to east of him. A line of tall, dark green trees greeted his sight. This was where he had come from – a wild, shadowy forest that covered the entire center of the continent. Most people only ever ventured into the periphery of this dark forest, and now Marcus truly understood why. Even for him, traversing the place on foot took several weeks. Although the dangers he encountered were nothing to a mage of his caliber, he had greatly underestimated the mental pressure of spending several weeks alone in a dense wild forest where the light only barely reaches the forest floor. He had always thought of himself as a loner and a man not easily spooked, but this journey had truly tested his limits. He was never doing that again if he could help it.
He shook his head and turned away from the line of trees. Regardless of everything, he had managed to cross the Sea of Leaves on foot – something few people could boast about. And now... now he was finally home.
He reached for his backpack and reflexively checked it to make sure the straps were secure. The weight of it pressing on his back was reassuring; carrying it had become second nature to him by now. Mages were often stereotyped as physically weak and fragile, but anyone who spent years of their life travelling and surviving in the wild was guaranteed to develop a measure of physical fitness, whether they wanted that or not. A heavy backpack was hardly an issue for Marcus.
Backpack, check. Staff, check. That was it, as far as his belongings were concerned. Picking a direction at random, he started following the road in front of him. Truthfully, he only had a vague feeling about where he had ended up with when he emerged from the forest. He could tell he was on the eastern border of the Silver League, but he didn't see any obvious landmarks that would let him narrow things down. Sadly, very few locals seemed to be using the road at the moment. It was a clear summer day, and the sun was near its zenith. The heat was oppressive, the sun burning... Marcus didn't mind, as it was a nice change of pace from the shadowy forest he had just left, and his clothes were enchanted to give him a measure of comfort at all times, but the locals probably found it hard to stay out in the open under the conditions.
More frustratingly, what few villagers did use the road took pains to avoid Marcus, giving him a wide berth and ignoring his greetings. It was very annoying; how was he supposed to ask them where he was if they wouldn't speak with him?
What was that about anyway? He rubbed his chin experimentally... yup, still clean-shaven. A quick sniff told him he didn't stink either. He couldn't look that bad, could he? Then again, he had spent several weeks in the wild, and people sometimes didn't realize how bad they'd let themselves go in such circumstances. Convenience magic can only go so far.
He spotted a pond in the distance, not too far from him, and quickened his pace towards it. He didn't have to go far off the path to reach it – the pond was close to the main road, and there was a small dirt path forking from the main road to enable easier access to it. It was probably used by the locals to water their animals when they passed by. A few trees grew on its banks, including a particularly tall and impressive oak.
Marcus approached the pond. It seemed like a nice place, peaceful and secluded. He left his backpack at the foot of the big oak, stretched his shoulders a few times, and then approached the water. Most of the pond's surface was covered in duckweed and water lilies, but after some walking and pushing lily pads aside with his staff, he managed to fine a reasonably reflective patch of water. He stared at it, moving his face this or that way and checking his clothes. He looked the same as he always did – a tall, physically fit man with short brown hair, dressed in fine silk clothes and carrying a metal-capped staff. He might be a little biased, but he thought he looked pretty good. Very obviously a mage, though. Was that the problem?
Stepping back from the water, he tapped his staff on the ground thoughtfully. Strange. While mundane people did possess a healthy level of fear towards mages and other adepts, it was never to this extent. Did something happen in the six years he had been away?
He eventually shook his head. There was no point in guessing. He would get his answers when he eventually reached a town or an inn by the road. There was always someone willing to talk if there were plenty of people and alcohol present, especially about things that were common knowledge.
Putting the mystery at the back of his mind for a moment, he went back to the base of the oak tree, where he had left his backpack. He brushed away a few ants trying to make their way inside the backpack and was about to put it back on when he paused. He looked around the place again, once again noting how pleasant the place seemed. Perhaps a short break was in order? It really had been a long journey, and this was as good place as any to take a nap in the shade.
In the back of his mind, an imaginary voice informed him that there was something very amusing about Marcus being so very glad to be finally out of the forest and its dark atmosphere, yet only a few hours later he was taking shelter in the shadow of a tree. Marcus promptly shut the imaginary voice up. It was unhealthy to hold imaginary conversations with yourself – a bad habit he had picked up in his long, solitary journey – and anyway, he had never felt any ill will towards trees. He detested the isolation and the unnerving atmosphere of his journey, not the trees that made up the Sea of Leaves. The trees were fine.
He liked trees. His magic was based on them, after all.
He placed his hand on the trunk of the oak, feeling the coolness of the bark on his palm.
Before Marcus could cry out or even blink, the oak tree rushed at him and swallowed him whole.
- break -
His consciousness was rushing through the void at high speeds, stars spiraling all around him, a dizzying variety of sights speeding past him. A disc of multicolored gas was orbiting a blue sun. Two spheres, one green and one red, were circling around each other at high speeds, constantly inching ever closer to a collision. A titanic chunk of ice floated soundlessly in the void, its surface dotted with black towers of clearly artificial construction. A swarm of glowing jellyfish navigated through a field of grey rocks arranged into a diffuse sphere. Each sight entered his range of perception only for a fraction of a second before disappearing behind him as he hurtled towards an unknown destination.
He didn’t currently perceive his surroundings with his own familiar senses, he realized. His consciousness spread out like a cloud around him, acting like a million eyes pointed in all directions, letting him see everything around him simultaneously and giving him access to a multitude of sensations he did not understand. Even though the places he was speeding past were distant and visible only for a moment, his new perception allowed him to capture impressions from them in an instant and keep doing so over and over without fail.
It was wondrous and exhilarating, but his mind wasn't built to handle this. It quaked under the strain, his thoughts growing more muddy and fractured with every passing moment.
Finally, his long journey ended, and he came to a screeching halt in the orbit of a planet. It was green, blue, and white – a life-bearing world full of life and civilization, much like his own. If he still had a body, the sight would have taken his breath away. It was one thing to know in a scholarly sense that he lived on a sphere of rock and water floating in an empty void, and an entirely different matter to see it. Especially see it with his new senses.
Was this his own world? No, the landmasses didn’t match the maps he’d seen over the years. For a moment, he simply soaked up the majesty of the sight in front of him, but then a change occurred.
He didn’t understand what was going on. The godlike perception he was using went absolutely crazy, sending him wave and wave of sensations that he was at complete loss to interpret. His mind, already straining under the weight of his new perception, started to unravel under the pressure. Instinctively, he tried to recoil from the scene, but some alien force wrenched him back, forced him to look. No words were exchanged, but he knew this was non-negotiable. He had to stay. He had to see.
Even if he ended up losing his mind in the process.
As he struggled to keep himself awake and whole, the planet in front of him became dimmer and smaller. Well, not really – visually, it hadn’t really changed at all – but that was the thought that floated into his tortured mind. It was as if the world had lost some crucial part of it, and was now just a hollow shell of its former self.
But he didn’t have to wait long – things did start visibly happening as well. Red dots appeared all over the surface of the planet, spewing endless plumes of smoke into the atmosphere. The clouds became thicker and darker from all the smoke, and the continents became covered in a growing network of black lines.
The planet was falling apart. Vast stretches of land began to break off from it, ignoring the force of gravity and floating away into the void. They looked tiny from his vantage point, but they must have been truly massive in reality, the size of entire countries.
Before the planet could slowly disintegrate before him, however, some critical limit seemed to have been reached, and the whole thing just… imploded upon itself. The geometry of it was mind-bending and incomprehensible, but everything in the vicinity seemed to just fold in unto itself and disappear, leaving nothing but a pitch black wound in the fabric of the universe, devoid of any stars and matter.
Accompanying this collapse, another wave of incomprehensible information hit his tortured mind, sending him into mental convulsions. Mercifully, whatever alien force was keeping him here seemed to have shown him what he needed to see, because he felt it loosen its grip on his mind.
He immediately blacked out.
- break -
When Marcus woke up, he had a raging headache and he was no longer next to that pond and its oak tree. The floor beneath him was smooth and hard, nothing like the grass and soil next to the tree. He tried to open his eyes, but found it exceedingly painful and instead settled for rubbing his face with his hand as he tried to figure out where he was. He eventually realized he was lying on his back on some kind of wooden planks and that everything seemed to be vibrating slightly… or were the vibrations just his headache playing tricks on him?
No, wait… this sound was familiar. He was in the back of a horse-drawn wagon, wasn’t he?
“You’re awake,” an unfamiliar voice stated. “I was starting to get worried.”
Forcing himself to open his eyes despite the pain, Marcus found his backpack and staff lying beside him – something that immediately set him more at ease. He sat up, fighting the urge to vomit at the sudden movement. He was indeed riding on a wagon, just like he suspected, though it was drawn by oxen and not horses. Aside from him and his belongings, the wagon was mostly empty. A pair of small wooden crates and some cloth bundles was the only cargo carried by the wagon.
There were two people sitting at the front of the vehicle – a clean-shaven, middle-aged man and a teenage boy. Both were looking at him, watching for his reaction.
“I’m awake, yes,” Marcus said, taking a deep breath. “I apologize for any inconvenience I may have caused you. How did I end up here, if I may ask?”
The middle-aged man laughed in a friendly manner.
“I am Pellast from Sycaruse, and this is my son Elid. We found you passed out by the pond when we stopped to water our oxen,” he gestured towards the two animals pulling the wagon. “I couldn’t just leave you at the mercy of the elements and wild beasts like that, so we carried you to our wagon. I am not a physician or a healer, and I couldn’t really help you recover, but I figured you were safer with us than you were by that pond. I hope we have not offended you through our actions.”
“No, no, I am humbled by your kindness,” Marcus said politely. Nothing would have happened to him, but they couldn’t have known that. Their reasoning was sound. “I am Marcus King, a mage of the Great Sea Academy. Thank you for helping me in my time of need.”
The teenager, Elid, visibly became more interested in him, his eyes lightning up at his introduction.
“Great Sea Academy?” Pellast said slowly. “That is quite far from here. What brings you this far east?”
“I just returned from the Eastern Lands, all the way on the other side of the world,” Marcus explained. “I’m really just passing through. While we’re on the topic, where are we exactly? I can’t tell how long it’s been since I passed out, and the roads here are unfamiliar to me.”
Yes, Marcus – play dumb and pretend you weren’t lost to begin with, blackout or no blackout. Thankfully, his benefactor didn’t see anything wrong with that admission.
“You haven’t been out for long. A few hours at most,” Pellast assured him. “We are not close to any major town, but we should reach Maiden’s Rest in a few hours.”
“Maiden’s Rest… that doesn’t sound familiar to me,” Marcus admitted.
“It’s a small settlement, barely even a village, but we should be able to find food and shelter there,” Pellast explained. “It’s close to the Blue Springs Monastery, if you know where that is.”
“Ah! Yes, I do know where that is,” Marcus confirmed, very pleased with himself. He finally knew where he was, and he didn’t even have to admit to the man he was lost.
“Once we get there, you can decide whether to part ways or continue accompanying us,” Pellast casually added.
…continue accompanying us? Marcus gave Pellast a scrutinizing look. Now wasn’t that interesting. He could pass over them picking him up after finding him unconscious as a simple kindness, but this was something else. Pellast clearly wanted him to continue travelling with them for some reason.
“There… there is safety in numbers, sir,” Pellast said, coughing into his fist uncomfortably. He had clearly noticed Marcus’s scrutinizing gaze on him. “Especially in turbulent times like these.”
“Turbulent times?” Marcus asked.
“You don’t know?” Pellast asked, surprised. “Oh wait, you did say you’ve just returned from the Eastern Lands. Of course you don’t know, such journeys take years to complete. Do you know about the First Academy War?”
“FirstAcademy War?” Marcus asked, frowning. “I know about the Academy War. I departed the Silver League lands not long after it ended.”
In fact, he played a crucial role in ending that conflict. It was one of his proudest achievements. Hard to forget something like that.
“That was the First Academy War,” Pellast said, nodding. “There was a second one, which ended just recently. Mere months before our meeting, in fact.”
“But Veldoran is dead,” Marcus protested. “Why would there be a second war? Did he get resurrected through dark magic?”
“No, Veldoran remains dead and buried to my knowledge,” Pellast said thoughtfully. “Though you can never be sure of anything when magic gets involved. And it’s not like mages explain much of anything to us common folk. At the end of the day, I’m really just a small-time merchant from Sycaruse.”
Marcus shook his head, dropping the issue. Pellast was right – only a mage or another adept could tell him what this ‘Second Academy War’ was about, and even then not all of them were qualified to know the details.
“So what does this have to do with safety in numbers?” Marcus asked. “The war is over. Shouldn’t have things calmed down by now?”
“Somewhat,” Pellast said. “Unfortunately, having two major conflicts in the span of six years seems to have drained Great Powers of their manpower, and they’ve withdrawn their presence from many border areas. Such as this.”
“Ah,” Marcus said.
“Bandits and other villains are now everywhere these days. I am told that rogue mages have been wandering the lands, claiming to represent various organizations, demanding ‘contributions’ and generally bullying people. Terrible times, really.”
Terrible times, yes. However, Marcus was in no real danger from these kinds of vultures menacing travelers and outlying settlements. What’s more, Pellast and his son couldn’t provide him any support if they did end up encountering any such dangers. If Marcus ended up travelling with Pellast and his son, that would obviously be good for them, as they would suddenly get a powerful mage accompanying them on their journey… but what would Marcus get out that?
Absolutely nothing, that’s what.
That said, his head still ached and he didn’t want to rush back to the Great Sea Academy until he found out what this ‘Second Academy War’ thing was all about. Perhaps taking some time to recover and gather his bearings would be a wise thing to do.
“Where are you travelling to, anyway?” Marcus asked Pellast. “I want to travel west. Towards the Great Sea Academy.”
“We’re also travelling west,” Pellast quickly said. “Towards Crystal Mountain Academy. We can travel part of the way together and go our separate ways when the time comes.”
“Crystal Mountain Academy? You’re taking your son to apply as a student, there?” Marcus guessed, glancing at Elid, who was entirely quiet up until now. Marcus assumed he was uncomfortable talking in front of the scary stranger, unlike the older and more gregarious Pellast.
“Yes, exactly,” Pellast nodded. “There is some time before the examinations begin, but it’s a long journey and I figured it would best to set off early to ward off any accidents. Besides, the early bird gets the worm. Ha ha, I closed many a deal in the past by making a move before my competitors even arrived on the scene…”
Pellast seemed to be a really talkative and friendly man. He launched into a series of tales about his previous trade adventures, treating Marcus like they were old friends rather than recent acquaintances. For the life of him, Marcus couldn’t decide if this was just a cynical ploy to make him friendlier, and thus more willing to act as their bodyguard on this journey, or if the man was really just that kind of person.
In any case, he decided to accompany the father and son due for a little while longer.
- break -
Their stay at Maiden’s Rest was brief. Like Pellast said, the place was barely even a village. It was a roadside inn with 4 other houses beside it. The three of them ordered a quick meal at the inn and decided to be on their way the moment they were done eating.
The good news was that Marcus was gradually recovering from… whatever that vision was. He was still not fully fine, but his headache was subsiding and his thoughts were less muddled and erratic now. Now that his mind had cleared and he had time to think, he could reach some conclusions about what happened to him, and he didn’t like any of them.
The oak tree was irrelevant, he decided. He was tempted to rush back at the pond and examine the oak tree in more detail, but he knew he would find nothing there. It was just an oak tree. The vision he witnessed was clearly divine in nature. No one could convince him that there was no god involved in the incident. If the oak tree was in any way related to the divines, he wanted nothing to do with it. He didn’t want to be anywhere near it! An examination of a divine conduit was certain to reveal nothing, and may very well provoke whatever force sent him that vision.
As for the idea the vision was just a random hallucination, he dismissed that notion immediately. His memories of the vision were confusing but vivid. They were burned into his memory with irresistible, unnatural force. But what did this all mean? Was the dead world in his vision a portent of things to come? Surely not. Besides, what could Marcus do about an event of such magnitude? What could anymortal do?
Was the message meant for him specifically? Then, how did they know Marcus would chance upon that specific oak tree when he did? How far back was this whole thing set up? Or was the vision set to trigger for anyone who happened to touch the oak tree in question?
Maybe he should have put up a warning next to the pond. ‘Beware of apocalyptic visions.’
In times like this, he appreciated Pellast’s incessant babbling. The merchant’s tales distracted him from his heavy thoughts and occasionally even made him laugh. Act or not, the man had a way of setting people at ease.
“Are you really a mage of the Great Sea Academy?” Elid asked him.
The boy was gradually becoming more talkative as time went by. This was the third time he had asked him something, and all of it connected to mages in some way. It made sense, since Elid was looking to become a mage himself, soon enough.
“Of course,” he answered. What kind of question was that? Even if he was lying about his identity, why would he admit that in response to a simple question?
“What rank are you?” Elid asked.
“Fifth rank,” Marcus lied.
“Fifth!? You lie!” Elid accused.
“Elid!” Pellast scolded him loudly, before turning towards Marcus. “Forgive my son, sir, he doesn’t know what he’s talking about. He didn’t mean to question your honor.”
“But fifth rank, that’s like being a living legend!” Elid protested. “There must be less than 50 people in the whole Silver League with that rank. There’s no way that heis one of…”
Seeing his father’s worsening expression, Elid suddenly seemed to think of something and immediately lost his cool.
“Yeah, u-umm… I don’t know what I’m talking about,” the boy stammered hurriedly. “I was just shocked, that’s all. It’s not every day you meet a rank five powerhouse, ha ha ha…”
It was a smart reaction, in all honesty. Even if he was, say, a second rank mage, that was still more than an unarmed merchant and his teenage son could handle on their own. It was unwise for them to question his honor and power, even if they suspected him of being a bit of a braggart.
“Just be careful with your words in the future,” Marcus said casually, taking a metal bottle out of his backpack and taking a sip from it. “Anyway, I wanted to ask you something. Why are you applying to the Crystal Mountain Academy? The Sun-Moon Temple, Heartfire Academy, and Four Elements Academy are all closer to Sycaruse. Is there some specific reason Crystal Mountain appeals to you? They suffered a great deal of damage in the… First… Academy War. I doubt the second one helped them recover any faster. They’re probably not anyone’s first choice for academy applications right now.”
He didn’t mention Poisonwater or Raven Temple, as they had a poor reputation among many people, and it wouldn’t be strange at all if Pellast automatically discounted them from his consideration.
In any case, a strange silence answered his question. Elid shifted uncomfortably in his seat. What? What did he say? Were they still bothered by his claim of being a fifth rank mage?
“Oh, I get it… it’s because Crystal Mountain is in such bad shape that you want to go there,” Marcus mused out loud. “I guess you already paid someone to do test of Elid already. Bad results, huh?”
“I… I didn’t do badly at all!” Elid protested. “It’s just… I didn’t have anything special going for me. I have no special affinity to any of the elements, no dormant bloodline, no wildtalent, no nothing. Those jerks from Heartfire only care about special people! I could resonate with several foundation techniques, but it didn’t matter. ‘Only average’ they said. Hmph!”
Elid sounded really aggrieved at the situation, but Marcus could totally understand why the Heartfire representatives acted as they did. Heartfire Academy was arguably the most powerful and prestigious academy in the entire Silver League. Only the Great Sea Academy could claim to be their rival. Even if Elid had what it takes to become a mage, what did that mean to Heartfire? They had an endless stream of talent knocking on their door, begging to be admitted into such a prestigious organization. The competition for every available slot was intense, and a child of low birth and average potential, with nothing notable going for them, couldn’t possibly be admitted without causing a stir among the families of other hopefuls.
In fact, this was true for pretty much all Great Academies, not just the Heartfire Academy. Without something to make him stand out from the crowd of other hopefuls, Elid would be immediately turned away from all of them.
“Pher and Davell are my personal friends, and they conducted your examination as a personal favor to me,” Pellast told Elid. “They did not even charge anything for it. They don’t deserve you badmouthing them like this.”
Elid did not say anything to that, folding his hands over his chest in obvious discontent. He was clearly still bitter about the outcome of the examination.
Pellast sighed. “In any case, you hit the nail right on the head, sir. We are going to the Crystal Mountain Academy because they’re in a bad state right now and might be willing to give Elid a chance. Is this your payback for Elid doubting your rank? Truly, the might of a fifth rank mage shouldn’t be underestimated, even in a battle of words…”
Elid’s eyes widened in shock. He gave Marcus a disbelieving look, as if he couldn’t believe he fell for Marcus’s provocation.
Actually, Marcus didn’t plan any of that. However, he was going to pretend Pellast was right and that this was all his cunning revenge for Elid’s careless words. As such, he silently stared back at Elid until the boy looked away in fear.
Another victory for Marcus.
Before the conversation could continue, they were interrupted by an unholy racket coming from a black cloud up ahead. A huge flock of birds of all sorts was making their way towards them, cawing, chirping, screaming, and otherwise making as much noise as possible.
“What is that about?” Pellast wondered out loud. He didn’t sound too concerned. Birds could be pretty weird sometimes.
“No idea,” Marcus admitted. Although he spent a lot of time camping in the wilderness, he would never describe himself as an animal expert.
The flock soon flew over them, heading in the opposite direction to where they were going. The three of them thought nothing of it, regarding it as a mere curiosity, until they saw a herd of deer running in the same direction… followed by a pack of wolves running next to them, completely disinterested in the deer.
Even the oxen pulling the cart were getting unruly all of the sudden, as if wanting to turn around and run in the opposite direction.
Something was wrong.
“Stop the wagon,” Marcus ordered.
“I was just about to turn around, to be honest,” Pellast said. “These animals know something and I don’t want to face what they’re all running away from.”
Once the wagon was stationary, Marcus drew upon his mana reserves and activated his Keen Eyes ability. His eyesight instantly became sharper, allowing him to see over vast distances. His headache, which had mostly subsided by now, suddenly surged back into existence and demanded he stop what he was doing, but he ignored it. He placed his hand on the Orb of Flight hanging from his belt and activated its ability as well. He immediately shot up into the air, giving him a nice, clear vantage point to observe his surroundings.
He looked at the horizon in front of them and immediately swore at the sight. The anomaly was still faint at this distance, but with his enhanced eyesight he could clearly see the streams of multicolored light dancing across the sky, rapidly moving towards them. Like a multitude of rainbow rivers meandering across the heavenly firmament, merging and splitting.
He immediately descended back to wagon, deactivated both the Orb of Flight and his eye enhancement, and turned towards Pellast.
“It’s a chaos storm,” he told them. “We have to take shelter immediately.”
“What? No… no, it can’t be,” Pellast protested, his expression paling. “It’s not the season for them!”
“Season or not, chaos storms are by nature unpredictable,” Marcus told him seriously. “This isn’t the first time one of these came ahead of schedule. We have to act fast; I trust I don’t have to explain to you what will happen to us if it catches us out in the open like this.”
“But we’re in the middle of nowhere,” Elid protested weakly. “There is flat ground all around us, barely even any trees. Where are we going to go?”
“We, we have to turn around,” Pellast said shakily. “If we abandon the cart and the oxen and run, maybe we can reach–”
“There is no need,” Marcus said, looking around them once more. Just like Elid said, they were in a really bad spot at the moment, far from any convenient cover. “I will make us a shelter.”
He hopped off the wagon and picked a spot by the road nearby. Tapping into his mana reserves once more, he cast the Shape Earth spell, and the ground began to move around him and solidify. It took a while, but gradually a great dome of hardened earth began to take shape.
By the time he was finished, the streams of rainbow energy had already started to approach their position and the oxen were panicking.
“Done. Bring the oxen and anything corruptible into the dome, quickly,” Marcus ordered.
Pellast and Elid did not argue with him. Actually, they seemed to have already unloaded everything from the wagon while he was shaping the earth, and were ready to bolt in with their belongings the moment he gave them permission to do so. In but a few moments, everything living or edible was brought inside.
Marcus had just about sealed away the entrance when a fox suddenly bolted inside, making a dash straight past Marcus to make it into the safety of the artificial cave. It ignored Elid’s shout of surprise and promptly hid itself in the back of dome, behind the two frightened oxen shivering on the floor.
Marcus decided to ignore it. It would be pointlessly cruelty to throw it back into the chaos storm outside, and he somewhat admired its boldness.
A tense silence descended on the scene. Although it was named ‘chaos storm’, the phenomena wasn’t overtly violent. There were no rain or heavy winds, usually – just a curtain of vivid colors flowing across the landscape, accompanied by weird tinkling sounds, like a thousand unearthly chimes swaying in invisible wind.
Plants fared better than animals, which was fortunate. Marcus had no doubt that all life on the planet would have perished by now if the chaos storms affected the plants the same way they did people and animals. Most plants couldn’t move, let alone take shelter when they sensed a storm approaching.
“You… you really are a mage…” Elid eventually said, breaking the heavy atmosphere.
Marcus laughed at the inane observation.
Pellast simply sighed at the scene, not even bothering the scold his son like he probably wanted to. This sudden disaster clearly left him emotionally drained for the moment.
Marcus glanced at the oxen at the back of the dome. He had feared they might go berserk from the storm, but they seemed pretty docile at the moment, content to huddle together and wait. The fox peeked out from its hiding spot to assess the situation, but immediately hid behind the oxen when it saw Marcus looking back at it.
“It’s pretty dark here,” Elid complained.
“Hmm, you’re right,” said Marcus. “It kind of is.”
The pointed his finger above his head, and a fist-sized sphere of white light materialized above it. Following his mental command, the sphere flew to the top of the dome, from where it illuminated the entire space.
“Better?” he asked.
“Much better,” Elid confirmed.
After that, everyone settled down into a tense but comfortable wait, listening to the sound of unearthly chimes faintly audible through the earthen walls of the dome. When the sound stopped, it would be safe to come out.
Until then, they could only sit back and wait.
- break -
By the time the chimes fell silent and the chaos storm passed, night had already fallen. Marcus unsealed the entrance of the dome and walked outside, where he took stock of the situation.
There was no sign of devastation… not that he expected there to be any. Chaos storms did not leave a trail of destruction behind them unless they were combined with more mundane disasters.
He looked at the night sky, and found it gloriously empty. Not only were there no colorful rivers making their way across it, there weren’t even any clouds obstructing the stars. They shone particularly bright tonight.
Also clearly visible was the moon. The moon was full tonight – a perfect circle of pale white light illuminating the night. It made the network of black cracks covering the entire surface of the moon particularly stark and obvious. The cracks resembled a spider’s web, radiating outwards from the seeming center of the moon, and were said to be created by the Spider Goddess in ancient past, to seal away the moon’s madness and protect the people below. In the center of the Moon’s Web, the stories said, there was a magnificent Moonlight Palace where the goddess dwells to this very day, keeping everyone safe.
The moon and its web of cracks were not a new thing by any means, and Marcus had witnessed this sight many times in the past. Even children would regard the sight as fairly mundane. Nonetheless, Marcus found himself drawn to the sight now, lost in thought. The divine vision he had received recently also featured a series of cracks spreading across a celestial body – and it resulted in the total destruction of said planet.
Those two things couldn’t possibly be related, though, could they? The moon’s face had been marred by cracks for an unfathomable amount of time now. Even the elves and the selenites said the spider web on the moon had existed for as long as their people had been making recording history. The cracks on the moon had always been there, for as long as anyone could remember, and never caused issue for anyone.
Still, the vision he experienced was burned into his mind. He couldn’t forget it, no matter how much he tried. It demanded to be taken seriously, bubbling to the forefront of his consciousness from time to time. So he kept staring the moon, trying to glimpse some kind of clue on its scarred surface.
“I shudder to think what would become of us if you hadn’t been there with us,” said Pellast, approaching him from behind. “We would have had to abandon our wagon and all our belongings, and who knows whether we would have reached shelter in time or not. Our meeting was clearly ordained by fate. The Pale Lady is watching over us. I will build her a shine when I return home and pray to her every day for a whole year for this mercy.”
He gazed at the moon reverently for a moment before bowing his head, closing his yes, and clasping his hands in front of him in silent prayer.
Marcus frowned slightly. Although he found his reaction a little overdramatic, it was kind of true that their meeting was a result of divine intervention. If he hadn’t been stricken with that vision, he would have never lost consciousness, and thus wouldn’t have ended up being taken by Pellast’s wagon to recover.
However was Telaneith really the one responsible for this? She was the goddess of the moon and fate, and patron to magic workers, so it made sense for Pellast to attribute his luck to her. However, Marcus received his vision through an oak tree, and they were associated with Perun. Perun was also the god Marcus prayed to most often. However, sending visions was something Telaneith was more likely to do than Perun…
After a few more moments of indecision, Marcus decided to give a brief prayer to both of them. They were both a part of the Illuminated Pantheon, so there should be no harm in honoring both of them, and this way he didn’t risking offending either of them.
His prayers done, he turned to his left. There, he found the fox from earlier staring at him.
“What it is?” he asked it. Pellast gave him a strange look.
“Thank you for letting me stay in your cave while the storm lasted,” the fox said, speaking in a very natural human-like voice. “I don’t have anything to give you, but if fate wills it and you need my help in the future, I will remember this kindness.”
“You’re welcome,” Marcus said, unsurprised that it was intelligent and could talk. He had suspected as much from the beginning. “Next time, be polite and properly introduce yourself, instead of skulking around like a thief.”
The fox’s snout twisted into what was unmistakably a grin. Then, without another word, it bolted away and disappeared into the night.
“Did that fox really talk just now?” Pellast asked in disbelief.
“Yes. It’s just an awakened animal,” Marcus told him. “It’s not a big deal. They’re rare, but not that rare.”
“First time I ever saw one,” Pellast countered.
“Maybe. Or maybe you’ve seen more of them in the past, but mistook them for mundane animals because they didn’t deign to talk to you,” Marcus said.
“Hrm. Maybe,” Pellast conceded. “What a strange day. I think I will just retire for the night now.”
“I guess I should do the same,” Marcus said, suddenly aware that he was not exactly in great shape. His headache had never fully subsided, and he even felt physically tired. He didn’t know why a forced vision would induce physical exhaustion in someone, but there was no denying reality.
“I don’t like sleeping out in the open like this, though,” Pellast said, clacking his tongue. “What if something or someone attacks us in our sleep? The two of us should alternate between sleeping and keeping watch.”
“What about me?” said Elid, approaching them. “I can watch over the campsite while you sleep. I don’t feel tired at all!”
“Son, you are my pride and joy, but I don’t trust you with this at all,” Pellast said. “How many times have you said this to me in the past, only for me to wake up in the morning and find you snoring beside me? Given how strange this day has been, I dare not take chances.”
“It was just once or twice…” Elid mumbled, embarrassed.
“Honestly, there is no need for any of us to stay awake in my opinion,” Marcus said. “If anyone tries to hurt us, Chompy will defend us.”
“Chompy?” Elid asked curiously. “Who is that?”
“Another talking animal?” Pellast guessed.
“No, it’s my summoned earth elemental,” Marcus told them. “He has been trailing us below ground all this time, ready to defend me if I encountered any danger.”
Sadly, ‘hostile visions’ wasn’t something Chompy recognized as a danger. Though if Pellast and his son had been vicious enough to try and kill Marcus while he was unconscious, the elemental would have crushed them to death before they could even scream. Same with any wild animals that tried their luck with him.
He tapped his staff on the ground in a specific pattern, causing earth to tremble beside him for a moment. A second later, a large worm made out of soil and rocks broke out of the earth, causing virtually no disruption in the surrounding earth as it did so. It coiled around Marcus like a snake, swinging its head in all directions to check its surroundings. Its head was eyeless and ringed with triangular, pearly white teeth – when it pointed it towards Pellast and his son, they immediately backed away a couple of steps.
Thankfully, they were made of slightly sterner stuff than most common people, and didn’t run away in panic. Marcus was gratified that his faith in them wasn’t misplaced. It probably helped that Chompy didn’t make any obviously aggressive moves towards them.
He patted the worm’s head lovingly, and Chompy squealed in a high pitched manner that didn’t appear to belong on this kind of horrifying creature.
“This thing has been beside you all this time?” Pellast asked fearfully.
“Yes,” Marcus confirmed. “Earth elementals can glide effortlessly through the earth, so it was no trouble for him to follow me around as we moved. Admittedly he’s not that strong, but he can ward off wild animals and other simple threats. Even if we get attacked by something he can’t handle on his own, he’ll raise a lot of noise and wake us up. Best of all, he doesn’t need to sleep. He can watch over us during the night easily.”
“That’s not… I mean, what would have happened–“ Pellast tried. “No, no matter. I’m tired. This has been a long day. I’m going to sleep.”
“Umm…” Elid hesitated, before deciding not to say anything. He just kept throwing Chompy fearful glances until the earth elemental sank back into the earth and disappeared from sight.
Uncaring about their mental anguish, Marcus retrieved a blanket from his backpack and quickly set himself a makeshift bed with practiced ease. He had been sleeping in the wild for several weeks now, so this was perfectly ordinary for him.
He fell into deep sleep almost immediately after lying down.
Comments
Domagoj Kurmaic
Hi Dragon Master. It's definitely not too late for feedback. There is a reason why this is titled 'test chapter'. Nothing is finalized yet, and I definitely intend to rewrite this chapter (and the rest) before eventually posting them. You definitely have a point with the opening. However, I haven't found this kind of iconic opening section for Zenith of Sorcery yet. You're right, it should be further east. In general, the geography of the land seems unclear, since I have received a lot of comments about it being confusing. I'm still considering how to change it to make more sense. In regards to typos, they are certainly useful to point out, but this is not the final version of the chapter so I'm not too concerned by them yet. This is why I haven't fixed any that have been pointed out - I have copied the typos into a document and I will check to see if any of the pointed stuff still remain after the changes to the chapter, but I don't have any intention of fixing the typos in this post itself.
Hello. Just subbed to your Patreon today after finishing Mother of Learning not long ago. A bit late - maybe very late - to the party but perhaps you're still taking feedback. Who knows. My first concern is about the opening lines/paragraph. I encountered a notion in which having a very rememberable opening line, either plot-relevant or something eccentric or quirky that the reader can take back with them and ponder over and even recognise on sight. MoL had that. The opening lines of Kirielle waking him up and those same lines repeated over the duration of the time-loop was fantastic to me. In contrast, while the opening lines here only introduced the setting and nothing else. Maybe change that into a witty introduction of Marcus? Just a thought. Now on to some other bits. >a life-bearing world full of life and civilization, much like his own. The clause 'much like his own', IMO, should be deleted as it's quite redundant, especially since the following paragraph asks 'Was this his own world?', and on a tangent here, perhaps it can be changed to an internal thought of Marcus something along the lines of "Is this XXX" with XXX being the name of the planet in which Marcus lives in. It provides a step of world-building and seems logical that Marcus should know the name of his planet. Onto a problem regarding the world's geography. As far as I understand it, there is the forest, the Sea of Leaves, in the centre of perhaps this continent, and Syracuse is a small nation on the eastern edge of the Great Golden Plains, bordering this forest. And I suppose the Silver League is a country-level or perhaps higher political entity of the surrounding regions, comprising of the magic academies and what other powers there exist. Now, I hope I'm not misunderstanding this due to my own lacking reading skills, but here is the problem I found: >Further west This should be east? Since the forest is in the middle and Marcus is seen leaving with the forest 'to the east of him', I assume he is now on the western side of the forest. So for the road to get closer to the forest, it should be saying 'Further east', to punctuate going east of the eastern edge, into the Sea of Leaves. Some typos I noticed, though I don't know if they matter since I have seen other comments noting some of them but they are yet to be changed. Perhaps you plan on rewriting it sometime? Who knows. >he managed to fine a reasonably Again, I hope this is not my misunderstanding (knowing me, it probably is) but this should be 'managed to find'? >“FirstAcademy War?” Marcus asked Missing space between the words. >Such as this.” Thought this could be 'Such as here', since Pellast is talking of the region is he currently in. Not really a typo since both are fine, just that I think using 'here' would be better. >the father and son due Duo not due. >What could anymortal do? Missing space between the words. >There’s no way that heis one of Missing space between the words. >someone to do test of Elid already Should be 'someone to test Elid'? Or 'someone to do a test of Elid'? Something similar? >I will build her a shine Shrine not shine. >However was Telaneith Missing comma after 'However'.
Simon
When you say 'considering the circumstances' I'm really looking forward to know more about those. About being lost I did get the feeling that he was either fairly content being lost and/or being lost didn't matter to him much. So that's fine op wise too. You could say that he's strong enough that being lost is no danger at all.
Domagoj Kurmaic
The pond thing is an interesting point. Casually making a mirror does seem like a plausible and neat show of magic. I do think it's entirely reasonable for him to be lost, though, considering the circumstances. He's not all knowing.
Simon
I had fun reading this. I was going to wait until we had more content but I couldn't wait any longer. I had no issues getting into the story pacing wise. I agree I don't really get the vibe of a truly powerful mage from him and really more like a journeyman like it was mentioned in another comment. While you said that you can't do much to show his true power level easily I think what would show it would be him not being concerned by normal issues and limitations. The elemental is pretty good in that regard as well as how easily he built a shelter. The more solutions to pressing concerns of traveling he has the more op he'd seem. Like enchanted bag with lost of stuff. Enchanted water canteen etc. I would have counted Navigation magic among those things but apparently he needs to be lost. For example I was surprised he needed a pond to see what he looked like. I was expecting him to conjure a mirror or watch himself through some sight ability. I realize he is trying to appear weaker than he is and needs to be at the pond but you could always have him not be happy enough with his reflection in the pond and decide to use some spell anyway after confirming nobody is around or something. Anyway I liked what I read and the above is just food for thought.
Domagoj Kurmaic
No. It's a completely different planet/setting. I don't have a good idea for another story in Ersetu at the moment. Nothing that really captures my imagination, in any case. The closest thing to to what you describe is a vague idea of a human expedition sent to the interior of Blantyrre, and it's really just a basic idea at the moment.
Nathan Rice
Just for clarity, Zenith of Sorcery doesn't take place on Ersetu? Considering all the world-building that you put into it, I thought another book would also take place there, accept maybe with different characters and in a different section.
Sterban Friz
Well the planet explosion description befuddles me, but that's just me, I am heavily invested in this and it appears there will be just as much twists and turns as mother of learning
Mikhail Gorodetskiy
> Do you think it works? Does it inspire your interest in the story? Yes and Yes! It really shows exactly how strong and confident Marcus is. He was just out of monster-laden wilderness and he treated this like "I'm really tired" and not "HUMANS! Finally!". He got apocalyptic visions out of nowhere and he was only a little bit unnerved and mostly curious. Sudden Chaos Storm was a minor inconvenience. Really shows how confident he is. Well, he was the key to end the First Academy War. The one thing to make it perfect is to compare his abilities with other mages. Fairy tale talking animal future helper feels unexpected but not out of place. Overall, it's a slow start and yet I want to know what's next without any cliffhangers.
Been following for a while, I like it. Noticed the xianxia influences and personally I like the high fantasy meets industrial revolution style of world more, but you've proven capable of constructing interesting worlds. Compared to mother of learning the start feels smoother and faster. Overall I'll be keeping an eye on this, and am looking forward to excellent worldbuilding and character development I've come to love.
Janders
The pace is to slow for my taste. The chapter can be summarized as; a bit of world building (which is great), he got an apocalyptic vision (OK), and traveled a bit (boring). Not interesting enough to hook me, also, I really don't dig the "op character from start" trope (but this is just personal preference). A couple of points that annoyed me: He lied about being a fifth rank mage, not really meaningful if I don't know the ranks. The worm is introduced too late, an ideal place to his introduction should have been wen he was going to nap at the pond. Overall, your writhing stile makes it a nice read but the contents are a bit dull, maybe a bit more to the point would help.
BramBora
Fair enough, it is too soon for me to write as if I knew where the story will go. I suppose I am mostly commenting on the feel I got from the story in this regard.
Domagoj Kurmaic
I don't intend to go too heavy on the Xianxia influence, so hopefully I fulfill that hope. :) There will be some politics later, though I'm not sure how prominent it will be in the end. The first chapter doesn't seem like a good place to start with that, since this is not primarily a politics-oriented story and it takes some background information for people to become even slightly invested in the political landscape of a story.
BramBora
I like it. Xianxia infuence is noticeable - I hope do not go overboard with it. (Or more precisely I see that Xianxia could become a little too noticible-mostly with academies backstabing eachother often and such) Also, I would say that while it has a hook, it is missing that couple sentences that would give it the right kind of edge. I have to say I kind of hoped you would go more towards interaction with nobles and a bit of politics, not mystic sects.
Zach
I'm interested, it took a little to get into the chapter, but by the end I was ready for the next. Here are a few suggested edits: “First Academy War?” instead of “FirstAcademy War?”, "It was as if the world had lost some crucial part of it," get rid of "of it", What could anymortal do? should have a space between any and mortal.
Zach
While I understand how you are connecting to Pokemon, league is often used in a alliance of states, instead of the sport use.
Very enjoyable read! I appreciate the sort of slow-burn way of revealing Marcus's capabilities. The vision bit was very interesting. I'm super eager to find out more about it. Same goes for the pantheon and general power levels in-story. Not a lot of action, but that's ideal for the very start of what might be a rather long story. I like how we are being eased into the setting and events surrounding it. I think we are off to a really great start! Super excited!
Domagoj Kurmaic
Maybe. After I publish more chapters (for real, not just on patreon), and if the readers show any interest in the worldbuilding of the story.
Andrew Browne
Feedback (trying to log my experience as a reader) First few paragraphs I was confused about the layout of the Great Golden Plain and dark forest. I thought the Great Golden Plain is the thing beyond the end of the road. As I check back to write this I'm only now figuring out that the villages and the road are on the Great Golden Plain, and the desolate area beyond the road is the forrest (I didn't appreciate "Sea of Leaves" until thinking about it now). > However, the quality of his clothes and the staff he was holding made them wary of him When initially reading, I was unsure if this meant he had superior quality clothes, or terrible clothes until a few paragraphs later when silk is mentioned. The vision is the first part that was getting mildly interesting. Chaos Storm (and how animals and people handled it) and the awakened animal, such cool sounding and interesting ideas. This is the point where I'm getting hooked and want more. World building is excellent: - Academy War? Ok, intesting - Silver League? Makes me think of pokemon (gym=academy silver league=indigo league) Also interesting - Chaos storm !?!? cool, very interesting - Awakened Animals cool, very interesting - Chompy :D - Sea of Leaves (after having thought about it and realize what it describes, it wasn't interesting on my initial read)
holothuroid
As for the rest of the chapter, again nothing much happens. Marcus doesn't experience any real conflict. The vision is strange sure, but other than that nothing much happens to him. The text stresses several times that Marcus is not in danger. Like you go out of your way of killing tension. I therefore expected some wham line at the end.
holothuroid
This felt like nothing much happened. I mean Mol starts with such an iconic scene. It's so good it's played to several times in the story. This not so much.
Desidia
Are you going to make a Worldbuilding page for this story too?
I really liked the chapter. Can't wait for more. :)
Christopher Roberts
I thought that he exited the forest into a small kingdom on the edge of the plain was pretty clear. I also thought the implication that when he lied about his rank he was under-reporting it was clear, though that may only have been because you've told us that the story was going to be about an archmage
Domagoj Kurmaic
I see your point, though it's not like Marcus is forced to use his best magic in the chapter. The only real dangers are the vision and the chaos storm, and he can't do anything about either of them. So this is hopefully something that will improve with time - I don't think there is much I can do to convey his real power level right from the start. Especially since Marcus is *trying* to appear less powerful than he really is.
ParadoxFox
> “I guess you already paid someone to do test of Elid already. Bad results, huh?” I guess this means he paid someone to administer Elid's test? A bit confusing since it might be interpreted as paying someone to take the test in Elid's place. Wouldn't the tests be conducted by the Academy itself? Not sure I understand how this works. > “What it is?” Probably meant "What is it?"
One thought is that Marcus doesn't seem to quite put out the vibe of an 'incredibly powerful archmage' (as his character was described in the initial post on this topic). Maybe it's because we're seeing things from his perspective in this chapter and he is very used to his powers, or because mages are just relatively underpowered generally in this setting (or we don't know what a powerful mage looks like in this setting), but the feeling I get as a reader is that Marcus is a competent journeyman mage, not a continental powerhouse.
Doodlyboy15
As I understood he just exited the forest to return to the great plains after a 6 year journey, made sense to me. Thanks for explaining that chompy was the reason he felt safe passing out by a pond, I wanted to know if he had an amulet or spell in place.
Domagoj Kurmaic
I tried to keep the geography as clear as possible, but also didn't mention it much, so I'm not sure it confuses some people. You aren't the only one to express that opinion. I'll see what I can do about that when tinkering with the chapter. The moon is not connected to our discussions, though I can see the resemblance now that you mention it. The origin is that I wanted to have a goddess of magic, spiders, weaving, veils, moon, and fate... and connecting it to the actual moon seemed perfect.
Mr R
The geography was a bit confusing. Is there a forest between him and the Great Golden Plain? Also, I appreciated how you provided some detail on the civilisational progress of the continent as well as some facts about their scientific capabilities. Nicely done. And so many mysteries. Though admittedly the divine vision was a bit suprising, I like the rapid pacing. And I've also got a bunch of conjectures, and I am curious how they will turn out. And there's also an insane moon. Was that something you were thinking about before our discussions?
Domagoj Kurmaic
There is definitely some Xianxia influences on the story, not gonna lie. But not too much, hopefully. I aim for a blend of genres with this, to borrow your term, rather than a straight Xianxia story.
esteban albo
I liked it. I found the vision part confusing because it seemed to come from nowhere, we don't know the character or anything of this world so to give him something like that seems rushed and i didn't understand what was happening. It would have been more logical maybe if he did have this vision in the forest, so that it is his reason to leave it or something. I m looking forward to this new story!
Shawn Liu
Enjoyed the chapter a lot! It's clear how much you've grown as an author just comparing this first chapter with MoL's first chapter XD My one main thought/suggestion for the story however is I hope mc has a clear goal established at some point. I feel like its significantly easier to be invested/engaged in a story when I know the protagonist has an end goal they hope to achieve.
Domagoj Kurmaic
Well, the confusion part at least is entirely intended. So I'm glad I evoked the intended feeling in you when you read it. :)
Nicolai Buch-Andersen
I really liked the (preview) chapter. Looking forward to the rest of the story! Having the MC return home after a prolonged absence is a clever way to let the reader discover the setting along with the protagonist, even though the MC is older and more experienced than the usual orphaned youth. Looking forward to a different kind of MC. At first I got kind of a traditional D&D-ish vibe in how the MC was introduced, his name, him being a mage and so on. But the more I read about the Great Academies and their behavior, the more they sounded like Sects straight out of a Xianxia story. I wonder if that's deliberate or just me projecting my recent reading onto a new story? A blend of the genres could be interesting.
Darker
> It was unhealthy to hold imaginary conversations with yourself No, an internal monologue is a very healthy thing to have; wouldn't trust someone without one. I really like what I've seen so far and am consequently now in anguish at not being able to read the next chapter :Ü™
Matt S.
Thanks for the trial chapter! I like it so far and am eager for more. The only real point of (minor) contention for me would be that I thought the vision was a bit too sudden (apparently literally "deus ex machina" considering it's probably a God's doing) and left me asking for why this is happening (especially since we don't know that it is a vision and that he wasn't portaled to an isekai or something). And it happens first thing after the character is introduced. It makes me ask "why is this happening? what is happening? And why is it happening now in the story?", i.e. a lot of confusion. "Because he is the MC and he needs a plot device to kick off the story" is maybe not a too satisfying answer, or at least not one that is intrisically motivated by the flow of the story, but I'm honestly unsure how to do it differently. I might also be overreacting on this, but you asked for input. :) Minor corrections: a one last look / one last look to east of him / to the east of him ended up with when / ended up when to fine / to find more muddy / more muddied(?) father and son due / father and son duo bothering the scold / bothering to scold The pointed / He pointed
Daniel Häggström
Awesome chapter! I like the characters so far and the worldbuilding looks promising.
Causal Chain
Usually style isnt a big concern, but as this is the first chapter... The first paragraph is not very engaging. This article comes to mind: https://kajsotala.fi/2021/03/open-loops-in-fiction/
Causal Chain
> No, wait… this sound was familiar. He was in the back of a horse-drawn wagon, wasn’t he? “You’re awake,” an unfamiliar voice stated. “I was starting to get worried.” Wasted opportunity to use "Hey, you, you're finally awake"
Domagoj Kurmaic
No. Though it is available for patrons only. I'll charge for the chapter when I post it publicly on RR/Fictionpress.
Domagoj Kurmaic
Yeah, there will definitely be more worldbuilding and explaining how magic works. It will be slightly trickier to put it in since Marcus is a grown man and an expert mage already, but I'm confident I can slot it in naturally. We'll see if my faith in my own abilities is misplaced.
Domagoj Kurmaic
Ha ha, yes, I always leave a ridiculous amount of zeroes in the chapter number. I have grand dreams. Chapter 999 here we come!
Callum
I would prob remove the bit about checking his reflection its very much overused to describe the character. I really like the idea of the advanced mage returning to civilization and things are different.
Dario
Is this a paid post?
DiabolicalGenius
I think it's pretty good as is, so I don't see any need for changes. I'm assuming we'll get more world building as we go along, such as his own past and how magic in the setting actually works? In which case it's a perfectly good way to start the story. I like how Marcus' lack of common sense is on the subtle side rather than being exaggerated. He couldn't figure out how the ordinary folks living close to the place like that forest would react to a strange mage walking out of it as though he was on a regular journey through populated lands. Especially when it's common sense that the forest it extremely dangerous. Same with how regular people would react to something like an earth elemental having been shadowing them the entire time and what it might have done if they unwittingly did something it didn't like. So yeah, it seems interesting. I'm more bothered about how long we might have to wait for the continuation~
Longhaul
I'm very happy to have this chance to read your new book.
I already love it! Even it's first chapter, glimps of magic, politics, nature and society were introduced. The main character is enjoyable, his "won" over Elid in their discussion, his resentment to reveal that he was lost... I like all of it. Something happening in the country, the whole world could be doomed, what else do I need? Thank you!
Andrew Single
Thank you for sharing this. I'm looking forward to the story. I'm also encouraged that you've left space for as many as 999 chapters.
Leaf
Ooh! Will give this a read. Thanks!
IShallRiseAgain
Nice first chapter. If had to give any feedback, I'm not sure if the concept of awakened animals needs to be introduced right away (assuming they are rare), the chapter is already pretty dense with world building/character development. I'm only mentioning it because you asked for feedback though. Also you used "shine" instead of "shrine".
Armo
Nice! I’m looking forward to this! I like the content I see here :)
Very excited to see something new.
