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Chapter 148: Dry-humping a Fossil
🕑 Added 2019-05-06 20:52:05 +0000 UTC***Alicia***
So is it just me, or does it seem like Edward Bergstrom isnt Edward Bergstrom? Tad asked, putting his feet up on Eds coffee table while he waited for his experiments to bake.
He can use magic. Caitlyn said.
Obviously. He hadnt been subtle about it since we got here. Your smelter is literally made of wood. Half the shit here is. He pointed at the voluptuous bartender who was watching them with inhuman stillness. Shes made of wood.
What?
Go look real close, shes got a grain.
Caitlyn went up to the bar, where Mrs. Banyan gently smiled and gave her hand to the young Mcdonnell to study.
By Kolath, youre right. What do you think he brought us here for? To use us in profane experiments? Eat our souls or something? Can I get a daiquiri?
Ms Banyan started mixing the drink.
Probably not. Seems like the accommodations wouldnt need to be so fancy. Ooh, check this out. He grabbed the coffee table and lifted the surface up, where it swung up and in on a series of hinges.
Alicia, you dont seem to be very surprised that your boyfriend is at the very least, a plant by the royal family, and more likely a rogue wizard.
Alicia noticed Caitlyn flinch at Tads words, nearly tripping.
I already knew, Alicia said, smug in her intimate knowledge of the young man.
She took a drink of wine, using the opportunity to try weaving mana outside the mana-rich practice area. She smiled as she saw the tiny ripples she was able to make in the alcohol in front of her nose.
Its coming along.
Did you know hes nine hundred years old?
Alicia coughed, the wine spewing across the table.
What?
Thats a TeeVee. Tad said as if it explained everything.
Whats a TeeVee? I kinda just spaced it out when he was introducing the place. I thought it was some kind of mirror. Caitlyn said.
I dont really know. Tad shrugged. I remember reading a brief mention of watching TV in an ancient story I read once. The story was from before the fall of man.
You read books? Alicia asked.
Something wrong with that? Tad shot back.
Seems odd for a Williams.
Tad snorted and turned back to the TeeVee.
Maybe you have to do something to it. Caitlyn said, stepping up to the black, shiny surface, running her fingers around the edges of the screen, frowning and poking it in various places.
Allow me, Mrs. Banyan murmured, wiping up the spilled wine with a cloth before picking up a small black rectangle from the table and pointing it toward the table.
An instant later the TeeVee flared up with light and the sound of an entire orchestra blasted out of nowhere.
Caitlyn squawked and toppled backwards, landing in a tangle of limbs against the coffee table, making the entire thing buck, spilling Tads drink into his lap. Not wasting a second, she drew her pistol and fired three shots into the screen where a metal man was standing, with a similar metal weapon.
Three steel ball bearings studded the screen, but rather than pin down the images like it should have, they simply kept flowing without a care.
Above him was an odd word: Robocop.
Please, children, Mrs. Banyan said, cleaning up the second spilled drink. Theres nothing in this place that can hurt you.
I could stick my hand in the smelter. Tad said.
Theres nothing in here that can hurt you as long as youre not an idiot. She replied, walking up to the TeeVee and tugging the steel balls out by hand before giving them back to Caitlyn.
In seconds, the dents in the TeeVee healed, restoring the complete picture again, showing a melting man get smashed by some kind of box on wheels.
Its interesting all right, but it keeps repeating.
Youre still on the dvd menu. Mrs. Banyan sighed as she pointed the little black box again. A moment later the screen went black, then a strange logo appeared. What followed was a strange, disorienting play, where the audience shifted every five seconds or so, making Alicia a little sick to her stomach.
This doesnt prove hes nine hundred years old, Alicia said, stubbornly trying to hold on to the image of the young man shed built in her mind.
He said he made these from his memory, Tad said, eating a handful of popcorn. Tell me where you can watch one of these, let alone he used the remote to pull up the menu. Six hundred and fifteen, including series. Anywhere except mans golden age.
Alicia put her hand on her forehead, her image of Edward shattered. She had considered the possibility that he might be older than he looked, back on the first field trip, but it had been maybe a dozen years or more.
Now she realized shed been practically dry-humping an ancient fossil.
An ancient fossil with a nice body who can heal mortal wounds, survive tussles with legendary creatures, kill people without moving a muscle, and summon gold straight from the ground at his leisure.
Alicia took a deep breath and looked back up at the screen. Im strangely comfortable with that. If anything, it tipped the scales further in his favor, giving her a framework for the boys inexplicable power and confidence.
One thing was for sure: Maggie didnt know what she was getting into.
Can you imagine all the things he knows? Caitlyn said, wiggling in excitement. I mean, I was stumbling through recreating the weapons of the ancient humans and he immediately knew what it was and had suggestions! He might know spells that dont even exist anymore! He might know someone famous from the fall of man!
Caitlyn gasped in the middle of her rant He might have met the first Emperor while he was still just a man! Just think, he was around while legends walked the earth!
Might be one, Tad said quietly into his drink, so low that Alicia almost didnt make it out.
Thats a good point. There werent any immortal people wandering around nowadays whose biographies included the words: didnt do anything of note.
Mrs. Banyan, who is Edward, really? Alicia asked.
Edward Bergstrom is the seventeen year old bastard son of Oliver Bergstrom. He likes blueberry pie and sports and riding horses. She said mechanically. He most certainly isnt an eight hundred and seventy-five year old wizard. Mrs. Banyan gave a wink.
Alicia groaned.
***Garth***
No one? Garth asked. come on, theres no rules, no limits, no reprecussions. Any way you can make me spill that one drop of blood. Give me your best shot.
The young men were silent.
I thought Paul brought me the most ambitious street urchins in the city, but I guess that doesnt amount to much.
The recruits in front of him bristled at the provocation, glaring at him. Ah, youth.
The largest young man, a good five inches taller than Garth stooped to pick up the dagger in front of him, testing its edge.
Itll break the skin. Garth assured him. Unless youre afraid to be holding a real weapon?
Tall Lad A charged Garth, holding the blade in stabbing position. Garth met the boys lunge with his own, wrapping his fingers behind the guard and slamming his shoulder into the other kids body with inhuman force.
He tumbled away from Garth, leaving the blade in Garths hand.
Whats your name? Garth asked, holding his hand out above the groaning boy.
Greg, he said, taking Garths hand and pulling himself to his feet.
Greg, I appreciate your going first, Garth said. At the very least I know one of yous got balls. Garth took a Red Fern BOGO coupon out of his pocket and slapped it into the youths hand.
Next? Garth tossed the dagger back into the earth in front of them.
Another young man charged forward as soon as the dagger hit the ground, holding his left hand in front of him, and the dagger behind him, out of Garths reach.
So hes aiming to use his left hand to poke a hole in my defence and hit me with a quick slice. Not a bad idea, especially trying to just get a nick. Lets roll with it.
Garth raised his hand to block and the kid grabbed it, yanking Garths hand aside.
Garth let him.
A fraction of a second later he swung the knife forward. Garth grabbed the hand holding his wrist and used his superhuman strength to tug the kids arm in front of his own slash, effectively blocking it.
The recruit gave a cry of pain and fell backward, clutching his gushing arm.
Ooh, that looks serious
Mrs. Banyan, could you thanks. In a second, two Banyans had swept in to hold the boy still and bandage his wound.
Whats your name, bleedy?
Juan, he said through clenched teeth, his body shaking.
That was a good idea, Juan, and decisive. I like that kind of initiative.
He pulled out a laminated coupon and tucked it in the kids pocket. Thirty percent off any refreshments offered at the bar for life, a great value. He leaned forward and whispered That includes the drugs. He patted Juans chest and stood.
Any more takers? Garth asked.
Kinda pointless, dont you think? one of the kids said, his arms crossed. We cant compete with a noble.
Im glad you pointed that out, Givie McGiveuperson. Garth said, motioning to Paul, who brought out a heavy steel Yoke.
This, Paul tells me, Is a Yoke, often used to subdue nobility by making them no longer able to literally chew granite and shit out cement.
How do we know its real? one asked.
Good question. Garth said. Hold him down please.
The three boys standing beside the boy held him still while Garth put the heavy collar over his shoulders.
The kid dropped to his knees, barely able to keep his head up.
Whaddya think, does it work?
He nodded.
Cool. Garth took the collar off and the boy gasped deeply, like hed been too weak to breathe.
Now I could wear this, but thered be no more consolation coupons for attempting nightmare mode. Garth said, fishing the four remaining coupons out of his pocket and flashing them to the young men in front of him. Free Sunday Worship, Hump Day Specials, Flat twenty percent discount, and a Frequent Fliers card.
They stood, staring at him, when the shortest one raised his hand.
Ill give it a try, He said, stepping forward.
All right, show me what you got. Garth said, rolling his shoulders.
Shorty took the curved blade and put both hands behind his back.
Ooh, tricky.
A moment later he lunged forward, aiming a punch at Garths nose. A bloody nose would count if it touched the grass, so that wasnt acceptable. Garth easily blocked the strike, deflecting it with his palm while he waited for the trick.
I hope its a good one.
Shortys other hand whipped around, also empty, also aiming for Garths nose. Garth leaned his head out of the way of the punch and a moment later the kid splayed out his fingers, poking Garth in the eye with his pinkie finger.
Gah, Garth grunted, closing his eye.
In an instant, the kid whipped both hands behind his back and tore them forward again, aiming for Garths blurry right hand side.
There we go. Good trick.
Garth grunted and moved to block both hands, only to realize the kids hands were still empty.
Now! he shouted, clamping down on Garths awkwardly posed arms and dragging them bodily further to the right.
Another man swept in from the left, dagger in hand. He never had the knife at all, he gave it to someone else!
Damnit! Garth thought, tearing his arms out of the kids grip and intercepting the lunge with his hands. He was on the back foot, so there wasnt much he could do but catch it.
Garth caught the mans wrists with a triumphant grin. Just a little too slow kiddies. If hed been moving before you shouted, he mightve Garths thoughts were interrupted by a sudden stabbing pain.
Garth tore the dagger out of the mans hand and staggered backward.
Jutting from his chest and tickling his heart was a rather large switchblade.
Hows that, ya bitch? The short one said with a vicious grin. Guess Im the boss now.
The other young men gave the kid sideways glances, murmuring amongst themselves. Sheath gripped her short sword tightly, watching Garth with wide eyes.
Try harder. Garth said, pushing his blood back inside with magic as he pulled out the knife. The blade was clean.
The length of steel left behind a dark, dry wound in his chest. Went for a stab when you shouldve cut me, see?
In front of the pale onlookers, Garth jammed a finger deep into the wound and wiggled it around. Garth pried the wound open a bit and showed them. Nicked my heart a little though. That was a good try. Anyone else?
Garth scanned the remaining recruits, who stared at him silently.
Anybody at all? Garth asked. Ill wear the Yoke.
Continued silence.
Garth fanned the laminated coupons in front of Fred. Go ahead and pick two. You earned it, slugger.
Comments
Macronomicon
It's a boot camp for middle management. They were rivals before they got there, so he has to put them through some extreme team-building exercises (AKA boot camp) to have them bond with each other. The scene there was to imprint in their heads that he's not to be fucked with.
Thundermike00
So next chapter we see these guys become the future elders of the right hand of the great Garth in specializing in being in charge of each one of his business? At the same time that he makes them insanely strong and get them to indirectly worship him?
Macronomicon
Deffo’s a typo
C. Wilbs
Not sure if this is a typo or not.... "“No one?” Garth asked. “come one, ..."
Always the details.
